No Kids

[curtishouse]

As some know on here, I am close to going to worship for the first time in the LDS church. A question that enters my mind though is this. Will me and my wife be looked down upon since we do not have children? We are both in our 30s and, chances are, we will never have children. I know how important family is in the faith and that is one of the things that have drawn me to it but we are childless. What will the reaction of the members be? Will we be encouraged to have children, looked down upon if we never do, or just be treated as every other member?

[Dravin]

It really depends, we're not quite the homogeneous group we appear from the outside. You might find the occasional snooty person but the particulars of having children (when, how many) is between a couple and the Lord and quite frankly none of 'our' business. There is an encouragement to have children (we believe the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth is still in effect) in the church but you shouldn't be pulled aside by someone in a leadership position and told something like, "You know, you really need to have a kid soon." or anything like that.

There is a underlying assumption that if you could have a kid you would, so you may face the assumption that you can't or that you are trying but are currently unsuccessful. This would obviously be more of an issue after/if you convert, most folks understand that investigators have a wide array of opinions and beliefs on various subjects.

Edited September 28, 2010 by Dravin

[Roseslipper]

I think its wonderful that you will be going to an lds service. just go and dont sweat, that you dont have kids, or anything alse as a matter of fact. Just learn, and listen, and feel. If u have kids great, if you dont have kids great. Like I said in chat its bewteen u and your wife and the Lord. I too was attrated to the church because of families...Let us know about your first experience in church and so forth. Looking forward to hearing from u again.

[Faded]

My wife and I have gone over 10 years without children. This was not our choice. We're both in our 30's. Thanks to the miracle of invitro fertilization, we're expecting our first child currently. There are a few couples in our ward who never had children as well. They are not looked down on or treated as less in any way. The only real problem in our experience is that Latter Day Saints do tend to have a good crop of children and so it's a major conversation point at church. Successful parenting gets a lot of focus in General Conference and in Sunday School -- because you're quite right, families are very important to us. Because we always wanted children but couldn't have them, it was a bit of a struggle for us to hear everyone talk about their kids and parenting experiences. We just sort of tuned out the Sunday School lessons focusing on being better parents at times. At times we listened because we never gave up hope. We both knew that nobody was actually trying to make us feel bad.

Having said that, as the Church is composed of flawed human beings with all the weaknesses and imperfections that come with that, I'm not going to promise that nobody will make you feel bad or uncomfortable for not having children. I likewise won't promise that you'll never hear an unkind word from a coworker, manager, etc at work. People are flawed and the do the wrong thing very often. The important point is that they shouldn't. It's none of their business, it's between the two of you and God. But I haven't experienced judgmental attitudes about childlessness anywhere I've lived as a member of the LDS Church: (Wyoming, Idaho, Utah, Las Vegas, California, Colorado, Missouri, Oklahoma, Illinois.)

Edited September 28, 2010 by Faded

[NeuroTypical]

I didn't have kids until I was 30. If there were churchfolk looking down their nose at me, I didn't notice.

Short answer - you can find judgemental busybodies everywhere - even in the LDS faith. If you encounter one, just love them like God commands, and move on.

LM

[jayanna]

Well, curtis, I don't know about where you are, but if you were coming to my ward, people would trip over each other trying to greet you. :)

Somebody might ask if you have kids, etc., but once you answer, word will spread and you won't have to keep answering forever. No one I know of would look down on you.

People occasionally still ask me if we are having any more. I just say ,"no" I have a heart issue which keeps me from being able to carry and deliver. Adopting is out of the picture too, since I can't even hold a baby and walk around, much less chase one. It is sometimes hard to see someone have a baby and not be a little jealous, but I know that I'll get cuddle time :) since babies are passed around quite a bit in my ward :) I can sit and play with baby toes!!! and peek-a-boo during sacrament with the babies in the pews around me.

[Guest]

Curtis, just go and don't worry about anything. Go in your most comfortable clothes - even if it is your favorite pair of Levis. Don't give a thought about anything besides Jesus Christ, the restored gospel, and the Spirit. Just go, listen to the talks, attend Sunday school, and try out the Elder's Quorom. You don't even have to remember anything being said, let alone what other people are doing/saying. Just listen to what the Spirit manifests to you while you're there.

Then come back here and tell us all about it!

[curtishouse]

Sounds good Anatess! I think I will! :)

[Bini]

Anatess is right. Don't over think this too much. Just be yourself and allow the spirit in. I think it's great that you're making the decision to attend church. I've been meaning to go now for a couple years but just haven't quite made it yet. Regarding the OP, I don't think anyone is going to hassle you about not having children, especially being new to the ward :] But there's always someone that puts their foot in their mouth and church members are no exception.

[Guest]

Okay, okay, here goes...

I am making it my personal mission to get my fellow Filipino, Bini, to sacrament meeting at least once this year.

:)

[Just_A_Guy]

I agree with LoudMouth. My wife and I had problems getting pregnant for the first three years of our marriage. No one ever brought our childlessness up with me, but my wife got some pretty judgmental comments from women who assumed we were deliberately putting off children.

All you can do is laugh it off and think of some snappy comebacks (my personal favorite being "What?! Do you know what you have to actually do to get pregnant? That's just icky!")

[Guest mormonmusic]

My wife and I were without children for four years, and although we were't looked down upon, we did have people go asking us questions about whether we were planning to have kids etcetera. It helps to have something to say to stop the conversation if you don't want to go there. Something kind but consistent with whatever boundaries you want to set around that topic. People outside the Church did the same thing, so you've probably already experienced what it's like in other contexts or groups you associate with.

We served as leaders in our Ward during that time, and had a full LDS Church experience, and we made a lot of friends, and had good spiritual experiences at Church. I expect the same awaits you....

[mnn727]

My wife and I are in our 50's and have no kids -- no one has ever looked down on us (that we know of at least).

hey LDS are people too, The Church is not a refuge for perfect people, its more like a first aid station for sinners -- we have all kinds of people with the same kind of faults you find elsewhere.

Edited September 29, 2010 by mnn727

[Bini]

Okay, okay, here goes...

I am making it my personal mission to get my fellow Filipino, Bini, to sacrament meeting at least once this year.

:)

Awwh! Thanks, Anatess. I'll have to take a photo of "proof" that I've actually made it to church :Þ Especially since I probably won't believe it myself when I do.