Lost and frustrated

[slimeng]

I am 29 and have been married for 5.5 years. I have a 2 year old and I am 14 weeks pregnant currently. Dated my husband for a year before getting married. He was raised LDS and I attended church while growing up but didn't get baptized until 6 years ago. I'll admit I missed some red flags while we were dating because I was naive. Husband told me he use to be a drug addict but he had been clean and he was attending church and wanted to get married in the temple.

We had a civil marriage because it was too early for me to go to the temple. Things changed really quickly after we got married. He started smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol and has been smoking weed off and on. I never realized what it really meant to be an addict and what the warning signs were.

We went to marriage counseling twice since we have been married. First time didn't help. The second time we went to LDS Services and I thought things went great but my husband dislikes counseling. I had already graduated with my Masters degree before we got married so I worked full-time and put my husband through school. He recently graduated with his Bachelors.

We recently moved to new town and I was hoping this would be a fresh start for both of us. But I now realize nothing ever changes. He wants to be able to drink alcohol occasionally and he still smokes cigarettes and he denies that he smokes weed. Honestly I don't trust anything he tells me. I work full-time and he currently stays at home with our toddler. He is suppose to be looking for a job but honestly I don't think he has even looked for months.

When he isn't using any type of substance he is a really great guy. He was never much of a talker but we got along really well. I feel like I don't know who I am married too. I wanted to get a divorce and he wants to be married. I want to go to the temple and get my endowments. He wants to keep drinking and partying and stay out with his friends. And he doesn't see a problem with it.

Basically I am staying for the kids. He has no desire to be active in the church or go to the temple. I've decided I'll take my toddler and go to church without him. He doesn't want to change and he doesn't see that he has a problem. I really don't want to work things out because I am tired, exhausted and heartbroken and feel like I have exhausted all my options.

My last bishop told me to wait to get my endowments until my husband was ready even if it I am 50+ years old. I have lost hope that things will turn around. Basically I feel lost/numb because I feel stuck and not emotionally ready to do anything drastic like file for divorce but I am not happy with where I am now. I feel alone and like I have no one to talk to because I feel so embarassed about the situation I am in.

I am glad that I found this forum and have somewhere to vent.

[shdwlkr]

First find a counselor for you and get yourself taken care of.

then if you just can't see staying with your husband because of what ever reason move on.

You have to look out for what is best for you and your kids and your eternal progression if your husband just can't seem to get his act together then you have to decide if you want to stay married to him no one can answer that question but you.

Lastly pray a lot before you do anything and get a solid answer to what you should do in this situation. The answer might not be what you expect then again it might be.

Most of all realize that the challenges of this life have a reason, doesn't mean we understand them but there is a reason.

I am in a on going divorce and may never be able to see my kids again and it is stressing me out but I will get through it because I have too. Sometimes there is just no easy answer to what comes at us in this life and we have to be strong enough to accept what we can change and humble enough to tolerant what we can't change.

[Man_on_the_Hill]

Your salvation has nothing to do with your Husband...

Ask yourself,, Why are you with him? Love, Security, Children, Obligation.. all of the above? Can you be happy with him the way he is.. making subtle changes over time for the rest of your life? Or will you only be happy if he is someone he is not?

There are worse things in the world than alcohol and smoking. Is he patient, kind, helpful, trusting, supportive, hard working, grateful, cheerful, protective, persevering etc?

[rameumptom]

You said you are staying with him for the kids' sake. Yet he uses drugs and alcohol. You need to determine if this really is a safe situation for the kids, as many people are wonderful when sober, but can become very dangerous while under the influence. There are plenty of recent stories in the news about people who harmed or even killed their kids while under the influence of alcohol/drugs.

When you married, he told you what he was going to do: including going to the temple and be active in the Church. However, he now seems to have sold you a story line to make you happy. You need to discuss this with him. You married him with the intention of an eternal family, and he has reneged on it. He changed the program, not you. That is not fair to you.

Second, if he's using weed or other drugs, it leaves you open to arrest, or to lose your children. How is that in their best interest?

Finally, the counsel in the church manual is different than what your former bishop recommended. Go get your endowments and the blessings of the temple for yourself. Once the rule was a sister wait until she's old to get her endowment, but that position changed many years ago. We now encourage single sisters to get their endowments, and for sisters in part members/part active families to get their endowment as soon as they are ready.

You need to give him a clear line of what is acceptable and what is not. Whether that includes his attending Church and living the Word of Wisdom is something you will have to decide. But you definitely have to draw the line on things that put your family at risk. If he refuses, then you have no choice but to protect yourself and your kids from his choices.

Edited November 22, 2010 by rameumptom

[Gwen]

i would not consider my children safe with someone that is doing drugs (especially if he's doing them while watching the kids). recently read an article about a woman on drugs who threw her newborn in the wash with the laundry. the baby died before anyone knew what she did.

i personally disagree with the counsel to make your salvation dependent on your husband. you do what you feel is right, there is no need to wait on him if that's what you feel inspired to do.

[mrmarklin]

You probably need to leave the marraige, taking your children with you. He has shown no sign of repentance or desire to change. You and your children deserve better.

BTW what were you thinking getting pregnant under these circumstances??????????

[GeneC]

First of all YOU have worked too hard to settle for less than you deserve. Second of all YOU owe it to your children to have the opportunity to live in a clean, safe LDS environment. Third of all YOU owe it to YOURSELF to break the chains of Satan and make a clean break before your children are old enough to be really damaged by your husbands behavior. It's your responsibility to protect them from your husbands actions and addictions. It sounds hard and will be difficult but very much needed. My parents divorced in my mid teens but it was the years that led up to the divorce that did the damage and took their toll on all of us. I'm still affected by it all to this very day. Thus I waited till I was 30 to get married the first time *(because I wanted it to be right). It didn't work and I'm now going through my third divorce right now.

You and your children deserve happiness A prophet of the Book of Mormon said: “… men are, that they might have joy.” (2 Ne. 2:25.) You and your children deserve joy and exaltation.