The Truth Of Consequences

[StrawberryFields]

The Truth of Consequences

By Carol McAdoo Rehme

When my husband and I changed the way we reacted to our children’s behavior, we found that the natural consequences of their actions taught them more than our scolding ever had.

Carol McAdoo Rehme, “The Truth of Consequences,” Ensign, Apr. 2000, 31–32

“I’ve had it with these kids!” My hands shook as I filled the dishwasher. My husband stopped beside me on his way out the door. Planting a kiss on my lips, he nodded knowingly, shrugged, and hurried off to work. I turned again to the sink. I felt discouraged. In fact, we both felt overwhelmed by the ongoing challenge of appropriately disciplining our children. It seemed we were spending more time punishing than praising, more time chastising than commending. Parenting felt like a difficult game with complicated rules, and we were losing.

Like many parents, we struggled with discipline. We knew we yelled too quickly, threatened too often, and grounded too easily. At times not only our children seemed out of control but also our own responses. We needed to do something different.

After discussing our concerns with the children and with each other, we took our problem to Heavenly Father and asked to be led to information that would teach us to be better parents. We were astonished at the powerful answer that came: Change had to begin with us.

With that, my husband and I began studying the words of the prophets and reading self-help books on parenting. As we looked for answers we finally conceded that our problems stemmed mainly from two weak areas: lack of consistency and failure to reward appropriate behavior. But how could we discipline consistently when the misbehavior varied from child to child? from day to day? from hour to hour? And how could we reward good behavior when we focused primarily on what our children did wrong?

We came to value many precepts taught in the scriptures, including this verse: “Whom the Lord loveth he correcteth” (Prov. 3:12). Yes, we needed to “correct,” but how? As we studied further, we learned about applying natural or logical consequences, and we set a new goal to allow our children to experience the repercussions of their actions—good or bad.

Rewarding the Good

Rewarding good behavior sounded easy, but it required changing our outlook. At first we found a need to create opportunities to offer praise and give credit where it was due. Since everyone needs positive feedback, we became vigilant observers, alert to small acts of obedience and deeds of kindness, and we were lavish with our compliments.

We discovered that the younger children needed to see immediate results for their actions, and they soon began thriving on our renewed applause. The older ones sought our approval for their choices, our appreciation for their efforts, our admiration for their accomplishments. How had we missed this before?

To our amazement, we saw our children respond to our new emphasis with a desire to please us. Agreeing with the Psalmist that “praise is comely” (Ps. 147:1), we cheered them on.

New Ideas for Old Problems

Working on natural consequences as a form of discipline, however, involved a different tactic, a new mode of thinking. We began by reworking our house rules, making them simpler and easier to understand. The new rules, effective immediately, required cooperation and support from everyone. They included such things as treating each other with respect and treating others’ possessions with respect. We also eliminated the word punishment from our vocabulary and used consequence, result, or effect instead.

With rules in place, we also had to think of new, natural consequences when something went wrong. Each time a child broke a house rule, we attempted to find a repercussion appropriate to the action. As parents, we needed to slow down and learn to act instead of react to a situation. Knowing we had a plan helped us defuse our own short tempers, and this newfound skill allowed us to step back emotionally to review each circumstance and decide what to do.

Many solutions to poor behavior were easy to spot, especially with young children. A child who couldn’t sit still in a chair? She stood to eat her meal. Toys left scattered about the room? They were confiscated for a length of time. A son who tracked in mud? He wiped it up, learning in the process how long it took to mop an entire floor.

Discovering practical consequences for our older children was somewhat more complicated but inevitably effective. In a classic example of sibling rivalry, our 10-year-old son raced from the rear seat of the van to claim the empty front seat. In the process, his foot smashed a cake baked for a visiting teaching assignment. Consequence? He tended the other children while I baked a replacement, and he was banned from front seats for three months. Effective? Yes. While we wondered if we had been too hard on him, he admitted the consequence seemed fair.

Feelings of fairness, justness, and impartiality have appealed to us all and helped us continue applying natural or logical consequences. We better understood the scripture that says, “He that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done: and there is no respect of persons” (Col. 3:25). When the children saw the unbiased, consequential result of their actions, they were willing to continue supporting the new rules. Now when we ground a teenager, we know it is appropriate to the behavior, and we don’t waste our breath on idle threats. Even better, my husband and I realized we didn’t need to yell—we needed to think first, then discuss behavior calmly.

Clear Calls on Cloudy Issues

Some behaviors such as name calling, hitting, and temper tantrums required creative thinking to find logical consequences. Some of our solutions sounded silly even to us. But they worked.

Impolite language violated a house rule. We responded, “If nothing sweet comes out of your mouth, nothing sweet goes in.” The consequence? No desserts or gum. The rudeness of one child toward another brought another consequence: “Since you can’t play nicely together, maybe you can work together.” The answer? Assigning a chore requiring cooperation. With a son on one side of a window and a daughter on the other, we watched the two stare each other down, then begin an ugly-face contest. Laughter followed as, teammates once again, they wiped away the dirt along with their bad feelings. Another favorite solution demanded that the offender serve the offended—literally—by taking over personal chores such as bed making.

At first tantrums stumped us. What was a natural consequence for losing your temper? In the past, we simply banned the children from the room or grounded them. With our new approach, however, we discovered a technique effective for any argument. “You wasted 30 minutes of my time and squandered 45 minutes of your dad’s time. Now you need to repay us.” The consequence? A list of jobs equal to the total length of tantrum time. We found it important that the chores be those parents normally did. Easy time-fillers negated the effect. Our children washed walls, cleaned baseboards, dusted bookshelves, and wiped down appliances.

Occasionally a behavior surfaced that defied an immediate, logical consequence. Then we found it best to pause, step back, and declare a time-out so we could act on rather than react to the situation. We freely admitted, “I don’t know what the answer is. We’ll discuss it in a while.” This allowed us as parents to prayerfully consider what should happen, and it also gave our children an opportunity to contemplate the problem too. Often a child would tell us what the natural result should be. We also learned the importance of remembering to follow through on a postponed discussion.

Smoother Sailing

Over a 10-year period, we worked as a couple and as a family to implement the technique of using natural or logical consequences. As we have done so, we have observed marked changes in our children’s attitudes and behaviors. Our family life flows more smoothly. Our children have come to understand an important principle: actions carry consequences which can be good or not, depending on the choices made. We have been grateful to Father in Heaven for helping us learn better ways to guide our children. Because of these changes, the difference in our home life today is tangible, even occasionally verging on the heavenly.

Gospel topics: discipline, parenthood, self-control

http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Mag...onsequences.htm

[Lindy]

Thanks SF for sharing that :)

It is really nice to know that others have had to sit down and think about child rearing. where were some of those thoughts and ideas when my kids were little? Some are just brilliant! :)

[thebomb7652000]

The best way to help a kid grow up in a way that is pleasing to our heavenly father is first the parents have to work together second there has to be a good set of rules and third set the right example,example is one of the most powerfull teaching methods out there and it has to start when the kids are very young.

[pushka]

SF, that article was brilliant...I think I ought to print it out and carry it around with me at all times! lol.

My kids are aged 13 and 17 and seem to argue constantly when they are together these days...unfortunately I tend to just shout at them to stop it, and then retreat to my bedroom/bed, and hide from it...the solutions that the family in the article came up with seem much preferable to my current practices!

[M98Ranger]

I wont pretend to be a profesional so far as child rearing is concerned. In fact it's kind of laughable that I feel like I have enough of a handle on it to state my opinion as I am an Engineer/Husband of 2 years/ have one child. But my father has a MSW and I did work as a group leader correcting children that were quite dysfunctional for over 2 years.

And I can tell you that USING natural consequences/TONS OF POSITIVE Reinforcement(ie looking for the things they are doing right)/HARDLY ANY NEGATIVE reinforcement(ie having tunnel vision for seeing things that your kids don't do perfect)/Being Consistent (IE both parents have to support each other, even if one parent makes a mistake, the other supports first then in confidence speaks to the person about it making sure that the child will never hear it)/HONEST/ LOVING(ie. increasing your child's self-esteem by letting them know through your actions that you value them)/PREDICTABLE(ie making sure the kids know what to expect and where the line is)/Not letting EMOTIONS go (ie...its okay to show love, sadness, hurt feelings, but it is not okay to allow your children OR IN MY CASE somebody elses children to push your emotional buttons. If they can push your emotional button, then they have control and the rest of your parenting skills will colapse shortly)

These are just a few of the things that helped me to be able to change kids that many adults in the school system and even their parents were not able to reach.....it took a couple years for some of them though, so don't be put out if it doesn't work immediatly. It behavior almost always gets worse before it gets better. Or I should say Behavior always gets worse when it is challenged.

[miztrniceguy]

"At first tantrums stumped us. What was a natural consequence for losing your temper? In the past, we simply banned the children from the room or grounded them. With our new approach, however, we discovered a technique effective for any argument. “You wasted 30 minutes of my time and squandered 45 minutes of your dad’s time. Now you need to repay us.” The consequence? A list of jobs equal to the total length of tantrum time. We found it important that the chores be those parents normally did. Easy time-fillers negated the effect. Our children washed walls, cleaned baseboards, dusted bookshelves, and wiped down appliances."

Ok, so what do you do if the child refuses to do the prescribed consequence? ie; wont mop the floor?

[M98Ranger]

"At first tantrums stumped us. What was a natural consequence for losing your temper? In the past, we simply banned the children from the room or grounded them. With our new approach, however, we discovered a technique effective for any argument. “You wasted 30 minutes of my time and squandered 45 minutes of your dad’s time. Now you need to repay us.” The consequence? A list of jobs equal to the total length of tantrum time. We found it important that the chores be those parents normally did. Easy time-fillers negated the effect. Our children washed walls, cleaned baseboards, dusted bookshelves, and wiped down appliances."

Ok, so what do you do if the child refuses to do the prescribed consequence? ie; wont mop the floor?

AND IT WORKS!!!....Right on! I can testify that it works.

[hairdye]

Ok, so what do you do if the child refuses to do the prescribed consequence? ie; wont mop the floor?

I'd love to know how some of you deal with this...the stubborn ones who blatantly just refuse to take the consequences. The 13 year old son for instance.

[Gwen]

i was thrilled to read this talk, it help to re enforce what i've been trying to do with my children.

I have a 5 yr old that is very stuborn. he takes after me. LOL my frist approch to getting him to stay in time out was to hold him there. my attitude was " you get your stubborness from me, you want to play, we'll see who wins, i can sit here as long as you can" i know real grown up of me. anyway, i have other children the truth was i couldn't sit all day. the first thing i did was tell him if he couldn't use his choices to listen to me, then he would get no choices. he couldn't pick what to watch, or what to have for snack, etc. i made his choices, and i made sure they weren't desirable ones. but then it still came to time out. one day i told him he didn't have to go right away, he started at 5 min (one for every year) and then i watched the clock. if it took him 10 min. to listen and take his consequence of timeout then he had to stay for 15 min. i would periodicly let him know how much time he had added up. he even spent 45 min, in his room one day, i think it was harder on me than him. but after a few times he got it, it's better to go ahead and take your 5 then have 15. the biggest thing i have found is sticking to it. the day i don't enforce a rule is the day i start over from the beginning and it is twice as hard the second time.

i know i am talking about a 5 yr old and that is very different from a teenager. I know the principle of sticking to it is best at any age. you may have a huge fight on your hands until they understand you are serious and things are going to change. I have also thought about what will happen when he becomes a teenager, so i also look forward to responses from parents that have been there for advice as well.

[Guest MrsS]

One thing I learned is give them only the choices YOU as a parent can accept.

Example:

Frank, today you have three choices to pick from in helping the family clean our home.

You can:

1. Pick up all the dirty clothes in your room and put them in the hamper

OR

2. Pick up all of the books/paper in your room, sort through them - tossing what you don't want to keep in the trash.

OR

3. Mop all of the moppable floors in this house with: then state EXACTLY what they are to use and how to use it.

If you give them this old craw: You will clean up your room or else. They are going to pick or else.Why? Because Or Else is undefined and harmless, and it is the lesser of the two evils.

Be absolutely literal in what you want them to do. Don't go on and on with a psycological explanation of the whys and where fores, unless of course you are talking to a Psycologist!

In the above example if the child is only capable of finishing any of these tasks in a single day - then don't demand that he do more. If the child is capable of finishing within an hour - then stipulate that you want this done in one hour. Micro-manage him.

Praise the job - even if you could have done it better. IF he has done the job you have asked him to do, within the time frame you have set - then PRAISE him. Praise is a wonderful Good Consequence.

If he has not done the job - then follow through on the consequence you have set out for that job. Make sure that the consequence as punishment fits the child. That it will really be a punishment.

[LionHeart]

Ok, so what do you do if the child refuses to do the prescribed consequence? ie; wont mop the floor?

I'd love to know how some of you deal with this...the stubborn ones who blatantly just refuse to take the consequences. The 13 year old son for instance.

13 is a bit too old to administer a sound beating, isn't it?

If it were me, I would prescribe a consequence which he has no control over; for example, no dessert for a week, or no friends coming over for a while, etc. This would continue until he submits to the original prescribed consequence. And perhaps he will need some time to think it over to fully realize the hole he's digging underneath himself; so be sure and give him that.

L.H.