not sure

[leming6]

I'm looking for advice on what to do about my relationship with my sister. It's a touchy situation so I won't get into it unless someone asks questions, I don't want my beliefs to offend anyone. It comes down to, we have completely opposite views on life, on family, on religion, on everything. We are twins so we grew up in the same situation. I understand that everyone will percieve things differently but there was no abuse or anything like that. My parents raised us LDS and did the best they could. They worked hard for what we had and as I am a parent now, I understand they did the best they could, as I believe every parent does. I am still LDS with a husband and kids who is working hard to provide for them and teach them what I think is right. My sister has left the church and in fact is extremely negative towards it. She is divorced with three kids and has made some selfish choices that has affected her family and her health. I don't want to make too much light of her choices because she was to the point that she was in a treatment center and is in recovery right now for an eating disorder. I firmly believe that life is about choices and being unselfish. I look at her as a series of choices she has made that has taken her down this path.

What I don't understand is how can someone blame everyone else but themselves for the choices they make? If she really hated so badly how she was raised, why did she do things that hurt her girls more than anything that happened to her as a child? Because of conversations and things that she's said and done after being released from the treatment center, I question the seriousness of the disorder. Why can't she understand that our parents taught what they thought was right just like she is doing with her girls, just becuase it isn't right for her it doesn't mean she should cut her whole family off. One thing she does is if a person doesn't do or say what she wants them too, she cuts them off. No one can have an opinion that is unlike hers, hence my belief that she is just selfish and self-centered. She always talks about her 'family' that loves her and supports her now and she feels so loved. Will she ever understand that she walked away from our family, not the other way around?

Sorry, this ended up longer than I planned. I tried to limit it. I'm not necessarily looking for answers to these questions because I don't know that she will ever change her perceptions and selfish ways. My problem is, do I keep trying to have a relationship with someone who only contacts me if it's about her and if I contact her it always turns into all about her? Do I try to keep a relationship with someone who is constantly negative towards the church and says things that aren't true but I could never convince her they aren't? I get upset everytime I read her blog or converse with her and I don't want this to affect my own life. Is there a way to have somewhat of a relationship with her without getting upset or frustrated?

[Guest BarcodeIIIlll]

I'm looking for advice on what to do about my relationship with my sister. It's a touchy situation so I won't get into it unless someone asks questions, I don't want my beliefs to offend anyone. It comes down to, we have completely opposite views on life, on family, on religion, on everything. We are twins so we grew up in the same situation. I understand that everyone will percieve things differently but there was no abuse or anything like that. My parents raised us LDS and did the best they could. They worked hard for what we had and as I am a parent now, I understand they did the best they could, as I believe every parent does. I am still LDS with a husband and kids who is working hard to provide for them and teach them what I think is right. My sister has left the church and in fact is extremely negative towards it. She is divorced with three kids and has made some selfish choices that has affected her family and her health. I don't want to make too much light of her choices because she was to the point that she was in a treatment center and is in recovery right now for an eating disorder. I firmly believe that life is about choices and being unselfish. I look at her as a series of choices she has made that has taken her down this path.

What I don't understand is how can someone blame everyone else but themselves for the choices they make? If she really hated so badly how she was raised, why did she do things that hurt her girls more than anything that happened to her as a child? Because of conversations and things that she's said and done after being released from the treatment center, I question the seriousness of the disorder. Why can't she understand that our parents taught what they thought was right just like she is doing with her girls, just becuase it isn't right for her it doesn't mean she should cut her whole family off. One thing she does is if a person doesn't do or say what she wants them too, she cuts them off. No one can have an opinion that is unlike hers, hence my belief that she is just selfish and self-centered. She always talks about her 'family' that loves her and supports her now and she feels so loved. Will she ever understand that she walked away from our family, not the other way around?

Sorry, this ended up longer than I planned. I tried to limit it. I'm not necessarily looking for answers to these questions because I don't know that she will ever change her perceptions and selfish ways. My problem is, do I keep trying to have a relationship with someone who only contacts me if it's about her and if I contact her it always turns into all about her? Do I try to keep a relationship with someone who is constantly negative towards the church and says things that aren't true but I could never convince her they aren't? I get upset everytime I read her blog or converse with her and I don't want this to affect my own life. Is there a way to have somewhat of a relationship with her without getting upset or frustrated?

I think you should keep trying for a relationship with her, family is very important, and the way she is acting, she will probably grow out of it

Personally, when i had low self esteem and i would shut up about how bad i was for ages, my best friend stood up, emotionally slapped me in the face and was telling me to get it together, this really helped me out, to realise what i was doing

maybe you should try that? just a suggestion.

this may not answer your whole question, but i hope it helps a little

Barcode.

[JudoMinja]

We all have relationships like this at some point in our lives. If you cut yourself off from her, you will be doing the same thing you are complaining about her doing to you. Cutting people off from your life because they do not agree with you is hurtful. It is possible to get along with someone you do not like for the sake of showing them Christ-like love.

This does not mean you have to be walked all over, though. If, in communication with her, you find that she is attempting to use you- stop that dead in its tracks. For example, let's say she wants you to lend her money for something. You can refuse to lend her the money without cutting her out of her life entirely. If she chooses to cut you out because you did not lend her money, that is her choice. You, however, can always leave the door of communication open, making it clear that you love her and will do whatever is in your power to help her and in a manner that you deem fitting.

The reason her actions upset and frustrate you is because you feel slighted. She grew up in the same setting you did and has rejected what you embrace. You are taking her choices personally, which is not abnormal, but it is something you need to recognize. Her choices are not meant to hurt you. They are just her choices. You can disagree with her choices and still love her. You cannot change her or make her conform to the life you are living; you can only accept her for who she is and make every effort to be there for her.

My older brother is excommunicated. He smokes, drinks, and gambles. We have both been in abusive relationships, and he continues to interact with his abuser while I do not do so with mine. He is constantly in need of help financially and with child-care. There was a time when I felt very hurt by his choices. That is behind me, now. We have a fairly agreeable relationship, even though there are times we disagree.

When we were both working through our divorces, he asked if I would be willing to share an apartment with him, to make it more affordable for both of us and easier to handle child care. I refused. I knew, from his habits, that should I agree he would miss payments on bills and dump his kids on me unannounced. I did not, however, refuse to help him. I shared with him the information about the resources I had used to get help with getting an apartment of my own and subsidized child care. He was upset with me for not agreeing to do things the way he wanted, but he got over it.

We are going to Sea World together this weekend for his oldest's birthday. It is possible to get along with a sibling who is not living a healthy life-style. Just don't feel that you need to control their decisions, and do not allow their decisions to hurt you.

[sweetiepie]

I am a twin also, so I understand how painful it must be to have such a strained relationship with your sister. My twin is part of me, so if she was doing what your sister was doing, it would hurt very much.

I can only say that you have to let her make her own decisions, and make that separate from you. I know how hard it is to let go of resentment, but that is what the Savior is for, and He can help take that from you if it is too much for you to do on your own. I promise that if you ask Him in sincere prayer and honest intent to take this hurt and resentment from you, He will.

Pray for her and hope someday she comes back. If she keeps dragging you into things that you don't want or need to deal with, then say you are there for her when she needs you and when she is ready to get her life back. Until then, you aren't going to help her push everything good away.

You can't convince her of anything, this is all up to her, and you staying angry and upset with her is what Satan does to push her family and support further from her. Sneaky, ain't he? Do what you can for you, and for you to keep the spirit within you.

[NeuroTypical]

What I don't understand is how can someone blame everyone else but themselves for the choices they make? If she really hated so badly how she was raised, why did she do things that hurt her girls more than anything that happened to her as a child?

...

Will she ever understand that she walked away from our family, not the other way around?

So, important question - what difference would it make if you had answers to these questions? If you could understand why your sister acts as she does, what would be different? Maybe she's selfish. Maybe she's hurt and afraid. Maybe she was offended by someone. What is different about your relationship with her, if you understand her motivation? Does it help you love her more, or give you ammunition to use against her, or help you talk her into something different, or what?

I guess my question is, are you looking for advice on how to change her, or how to love her? You really might just have to pick one or the other, ya know...

My problem is, do I keep trying to have a relationship with someone who only contacts me if it's about her and if I contact her it always turns into all about her? Do I try to keep a relationship with someone who is constantly negative towards the church and says things that aren't true but I could never convince her they aren't?

If you are out to change her, no. If you're out to love her, then probably yes.

Is there a way to have somewhat of a relationship with her without getting upset or frustrated?

Yes. Either accept her and love her, or stay away from her. Because you can't change her.

LM

[LDSVALLEY]

Yeeesshhh.

I typed out a long comment then felt I was still off track so there goes 15 minutes.

Did it a second time. If it doesn't work this time I give up.

People when the screw up often deal with it by blaming someone or something else to avoid the guilt. Which creates a vicious circle that just grows and grows.

Since your family was raised LDS when your sister rejected the church she also rejected her upbringing, her family, her system of core beliefs and her sense of security in knowing who she is and what she stands for. All of this leads to more rejection. I am not suggesting that she ignores her family only that a gulf has been created that makes her the outsider in her mind.

You can only control your response and desire not hers. I will assume that you wish a relationship with her. From experience with a Father who is an alcoholic I will offer the following:

Every time you get in contact with her do it with the intention of simply talking about her life and her problems. It might not seem fair but realize she looks at it like you have it great and she doesn't.

The next time you converse with her and she starts lashing out at the church set a ground rule. Let her finish her rant without comment. When she is done tell her that you realize that both of you disagree about the church and it obviously upsets both of you. Therefore you will not bring up the church in conversation and request that she does the same thing. That way you can both enjoy each others company without ire.

You might have to work hard at first to avoid mentioning it, if you slip up apologize for doing so and call her on it when she goes anti and doesn't apologize. When you talk to her don't try to help just be her loving Sister without judgment or disapproval. Focus on her issues, how life is going, the children etc.

I have found that when someone feels 'safe' with a situation that they will slowly turn around. The issue is showing that Charity never Failith to your Sister. If you keep things focused on her either she will get what she needs that might help her in her trials. Or she might slowly begin to change and after she feels you have a true interest in her life she will start to return the favor.

It might not see fair that you have to focus on her needs only. But that is what charity is about, helping others even if it does not directly help ourselves. I know from experience how hard it can be to keep doing, but I have seen the results when I have done so. Even if they never change the Lord helps us when we help his children and we can look forward to the blessings each call gives them and us.

[bert10]

Live and let live. We all reap the fruits of our labors. Sooner or later it will dawn on your sister that the fruits of your life is far different then hers. And one day she might make a comment on how lucky you are. If you live "Unconditional Love" towards your sister...you will love her enough to allow her to make mistakes in her life.

That is not to say that you cannot counsel her when she needs it. But if she is not listening then leave off. Prayer and knowledge that God is still working with her...can help you.

And God can use her mistakes later on in life to reach her.. A famous ex-cop, and NHL coach once said that the cancer that was killing him served to make his heart tender.

He learned obedience by suffering so do all of us.

bert10

I'm looking for advice on what to do about my relationship with my sister. It's a touchy situation so I won't get into it unless someone asks questions, I don't want my beliefs to offend anyone. It comes down to, we have completely opposite views on life, on family, on religion, on everything. We are twins so we grew up in the same situation. I understand that everyone will percieve things differently but there was no abuse or anything like that. My parents raised us LDS and did the best they could. They worked hard for what we had and as I am a parent now, I understand they did the best they could, as I believe every parent does. I am still LDS with a husband and kids who is working hard to provide for them and teach them what I think is right. My sister has left the church and in fact is extremely negative towards it. She is divorced with three kids and has made some selfish choices that has affected her family and her health. I don't want to make too much light of her choices because she was to the point that she was in a treatment center and is in recovery right now for an eating disorder. I firmly believe that life is about choices and being unselfish. I look at her as a series of choices she has made that has taken her down this path.

What I don't understand is how can someone blame everyone else but themselves for the choices they make? If she really hated so badly how she was raised, why did she do things that hurt her girls more than anything that happened to her as a child? Because of conversations and things that she's said and done after being released from the treatment center, I question the seriousness of the disorder. Why can't she understand that our parents taught what they thought was right just like she is doing with her girls, just becuase it isn't right for her it doesn't mean she should cut her whole family off. One thing she does is if a person doesn't do or say what she wants them too, she cuts them off. No one can have an opinion that is unlike hers, hence my belief that she is just selfish and self-centered. She always talks about her 'family' that loves her and supports her now and she feels so loved. Will she ever understand that she walked away from our family, not the other way around?

Sorry, this ended up longer than I planned. I tried to limit it. I'm not necessarily looking for answers to these questions because I don't know that she will ever change her perceptions and selfish ways. My problem is, do I keep trying to have a relationship with someone who only contacts me if it's about her and if I contact her it always turns into all about her? Do I try to keep a relationship with someone who is constantly negative towards the church and says things that aren't true but I could never convince her they aren't? I get upset everytime I read her blog or converse with her and I don't want this to affect my own life. Is there a way to have somewhat of a relationship with her without getting upset or frustrated?

[Elphaba]

and is in recovery right now for an eating disorder.

This is a clue to me that there's something more going on than her simply making poor choices. People don't "choose" to get eating disorders. If they did, they could simply "choose" to get rid of them, but they can't.

People with eating disorders are profoundly unhappy, and they tend to be very impulsive which is manifested by poor choices. It's not because they're bad people--it's because they're in severe pain and desperately want to get out of it NOW.

I understand you questioning the seriousness of it, but if she does, indeed, have an eating disorder, it IS serious. I'm certainly not saying this excuses her poor choices, or that you should accept them as such. I'm just saying it's not black and white.

When you say she just got out of treatment, what kind of treatment? Was it just for the physical illness, or a 12-step treatment, or something else? If it did address her psychologically, it doesn't sound like she's getting it yet, but that's actually very common. It might take her a few times.

Frankly, my heart goes out to her for having such an insidious disease.

Elphaba

ETA: I just re-read my post, and it sounds like I am dismissing how difficult this is for you. I really don't. People who have to always make it about themselves are beyond annoying, and it's exhausting. I don't discount that. E.

Edited December 13, 2010 by Elphaba

[Last_Daze]

Also, along the same lines as what Elphaba was saying, there could be some degree of mental illness going on here. Eating disorders are a lot like substance abuse disorders. She could be severely depressed; I was at one point in my life, and I made bad decisions and ruined a lot of relationships then.

This is not to say that it is not a choice thing; it is. We do have choices to make, regardless of our situation, and if she is making choices that effect you directly and hurt you, I would say that it is going to be pretty difficult to have a relationship with that her. You can't be in relationships family, friendship or otherwise, that are going to hurt you and bring you down. On the other hand, you mention that she is hurting her children (your nieces and nephews), who you probably feel some responsibility for, so that does complicate matters more than a bit.

The challenge when dealing with someone who has serious issues, whatever the kind, self-inflicted or not, is to treat that person with at least a modicum of charity and love without letting them suck you into whatever it is they do. Its a very difficult line to walk, especially when that person is family.

[leming6]

Thanks for all your thoughts and ideas. I was looking for advice on how to deal with her, not change her. I know that you cannot change anyone. I do not expect her to except the church or my beliefs. I am confused on the way her mind works and I'm just hurt when I have to hear some of the shall I say lies. I'm not angry with her in anyway, I'm sad for the choices she has made and how they are affecting her daughters. My problem is that I feel she is placing blame in the wrong direction although I really don't believe in blaming others. Like I said, I strongly believe that people make their own choices and hers just spiraled out of control. I don't know everything about her or her problems because she does not reveal much to me unless it's about her divorce and custody issues. When she started writing her blog is when I learned a little more, but that is also where I learned how she really did misconstrue things growing up. I do question the severity of her situation although I know I shouldn't. She's always been the type of person that wanted the attention and that everything revolved around her, that's why I question things. To me it looks like she found a way to get all the attention in the world. It's just more so now than it was when she was a child. But like I said, she doesn't say much and she's been in recovery for 2 and half years and doesn't seem to make progress. That's another reason I wonder about things. All that said...

I have decided I will be here for her if she needs it. I will keep coversations restricted to topics that will not upset either one of us, this includes religion, any mention of selfish activities, and putting down the family. I have always told her I'm here for her and she doesn't take up on it, but I will continue to tell her that and maybe one day she will use me as a support and realize I along with our family do love and support her. I pray for her everyday. I do not read her blog anymore and do limit myself as to not affect my feelings for her which does affect me in my life. Unfortunately, I do have to be a little bit selfish when it comes to that because I have a family that needs me and I can't let this stuff affect my family.

[leming6]

I want to clarify too that I do know eating disorders seriously affect a person's health. I have researched it to try to figure out how to deal with her. I have come across sites that have touched said that starting an eating disorder is a choice, which goes along with what I believe about choices. People make the choice to not eat, to throw up, to purge, to binge, to take laxatives. It isn't a simple choice to stop doing it, but it still has to be a choice to stop doing it, without making a choice, a person won't fully recover. That goes with everything in life. Choice can hurt or help a person, but it all comes down to making a choice.