Is this fishy?

[Suzanne627]

Does he treat you well? Is he considerate? Does he make you feel like a million bucks? Is he normally responsible and reliable?

Is he verbally or physically abusive? Does he drink too much or use drugs? Does he neglect you and your daughter, while partying with his friends?

Most of the answers are "no". He is just neutral, unless I show him how much he has hurt me. He works hard for about a week to show me that he is sorry, but if I have to point it out to him that he needs to respect me- it isn't really respect that I am getting, is it? He doesn't drink, do drugs, or watch porn (that I am aware of). But he doesn't put me (or our daughter) first, he is sometimes moody and makes me doubt myself.

He has been trying hard this week. He has stopped calling me "insane" and "retarded" for my suspicions and has told me that he sees that the things that concern me come from valid points, but he is adamant that nothing happened.

But again, going back to the temple recommend and priesthood holder. I wan to talk to my bishop about my temple recommend. I seriously doubt I am worthy of getting it right now, but I also thought for sure that I would have my sacrament privileges revoked because of my living arrangements. He did not see that as necessary. We got a new bishop 2 weeks ago, sadly Mike was just warming up to the idea of getting counseling from the previous bishop.

Anyways, he is not a bad guy. He is selfish, which he acknowledges, and he does work hard for our family. I'm still just not feeling it. I am continuing to pray on the idea.

Thank you all for your input, advice, and council. It helps make my heart not as heavy.

[slamjet]

It sounds like you feel you have all the input and advice you need. For what it's worth, I feel that you are going about this in the right way. You are being careful and deliberate in your decisions. You are not making any rash decisions and are looking out for the welfare of you and your child.

Just remember that you don't go into, or keep a relationship to change a man. You never will, guaranteed. Also remember that God loves you and will give you an answer in the right time and place. Just keep on the correct path and you will get your answer, guaranteed.

[rameumptom]

Suzanne,

If he's calling you "insane" and "retarded", then he IS abusive. You do not want to raise your daughter thinking that it is okay for the man to belittle the woman.

He needs counseling on how to be a good spouse and parent, if he's to be one to marry. If he only does good for a week or a month, and then returns to his selfish ways, then he isn't really changing. If he will do counseling (perhaps couple's counseling), you may be able to work many things out.

But the status quo is not working. And over time, would probably be detrimental to your daughter.

[Gwen]

Most of the answers are "no". He is just neutral, unless I show him how much he has hurt me. He works hard for about a week to show me that he is sorry, but if I have to point it out to him that he needs to respect me- it isn't really respect that I am getting, is it? He doesn't drink, do drugs, or watch porn (that I am aware of). But he doesn't put me (or our daughter) first, he is sometimes moody and makes me doubt myself.

He has been trying hard this week. He has stopped calling me "insane" and "retarded" for my suspicions and has told me that he sees that the things that concern me come from valid points, but he is adamant that nothing happened.

But again, going back to the temple recommend and priesthood holder. I wan to talk to my bishop about my temple recommend. I seriously doubt I am worthy of getting it right now, but I also thought for sure that I would have my sacrament privileges revoked because of my living arrangements. He did not see that as necessary. We got a new bishop 2 weeks ago, sadly Mike was just warming up to the idea of getting counseling from the previous bishop.

Anyways, he is not a bad guy. He is selfish, which he acknowledges, and he does work hard for our family. I'm still just not feeling it. I am continuing to pray on the idea.

Thank you all for your input, advice, and council. It helps make my heart not as heavy.

i agree that the name calling is verbal abuse. one thing i think you need to pray more about and ask more questions till you find an answer that satisfies you on is the "good for a time and then going back". it could be a sign he's not really trying or it could be a sign he's trying and it's very hard for him. would you give anyone trying to change a habit (and yes name calling is a habit) a few chances to get it right? i don't know where his heart is but personally i'd want to know which it was a symptom of.

another thought, if you want to go to the temple and you are living with a man you are not married to you can not go. what if you put things on the line, make him show you which he really wants. let him know you are willing to fight for things, you are not giving up but you are going to do it differently. move out. let him know it's because you want to prepare to go to the temple and you can't do that in a sexual relationship, not because you are giving up on him. if he offers to get married so you don't have to move out then let him know why you can't marry him right now. the verbal abuse the not telling you the whole story, etc. otherwise keep doing some things the same. take turns cooking and get together in the evenings for family dinner, go out, do a lot of things like you always have. i really don't think it will take long for him to make the decision on what he really wants. he will start working to be the kind of man you want to be married to or he will get very upset about it and push you away for good. he's made the choice, you have the answer and can move forward.

i had another thought but i'll pm it to you.

[Guest]

And I would like to see statistics on how many kids from bad/abusive marriages end up repeating that abuse cycle as compared to those who live in stable marriages. There are two sides to every coin. Looking only at the divorce leading to divorce side gives a skewed perception.

You're missing my point ryah. I never said I wouldn't get divorced (I said in my post that sometimes that's out of our control). I did say that I'm not going to remarry.

Okay, so I should have stated it as: Statistics on people who have multiple husbands/wives how many of their kids end up divorced versus statistics on people who get divorced/separated but not remarried versus statistics on people who have stable households.

[twort]

LM- I knew you'd head that route :). He WOULD marry me and he WANTS to marry me. Thinking of my daughter, I do not want her to see how he treats me and think that is okay. I do not want her to see her mother working hard on everything while her father plays video games all day every day and pushes her away from him (physically). I do not want her to see her mother disrespecte and think that is okay. I also want to be sealed to my daughter and he is not someone who will take me to the temple.

How long should I endure and pay for mistakes that I made when my heart was not in the right place?

Backroad- Your thread gives me hope that there are faithful LDS people who are willing to look past someones failed relationship. While I would not jump into the dating scene right away, I do worry that I will not find an LDS man willing to accept my daughter and I . I also realize that it is not fair of me to ask that.

There are lots of good LDS men who would be honored to have you. I don't know your situation, maybe he was worried that you wouldn't like him partying, or maybe something more. You might have nothing to worry about. If you really want a good LDS man then your boyfriend will probably not ever be that man, but he could be a great husband and father some day. Maybe just figure out what you really want and act on it. I know that I would not have been afraid of having a relationship with a woman with your background, and neither would most of my friends. But to be honest, a perfect life long straight arrow might have a problem with your past... something you may want to consider.

I know you'll find happiness one way or another. Good luck and godspeed!!

twort

[NeuroTypical]

But to be honest, a perfect life long straight arrow might have a problem with your past... something you may want to consider.

I got a kick out of this. There's no such animal on planet earth. Just folks trying to be a straigher arrow than they've been in the past. When we run into someone claiming to be a perfect life long straight arrow, we know we've enountered someone lying or delusional.