crisis, marriage , step children

[alla]

Hello everybody

I need urgent an advise

I dont even know from where to start but the present state of my marriage is getting me

out of field.

For more than 4 years my husband is not having a job. He says he is looking hard to find something, but due to the crisis he is still unemployed.

we've been married for 7 yrs, together for almost 10, having together a son of 7 years old.

For almost 2 years his son of 17 yrs, from a previous relationship has joined us, despite the financial difficulty we have been going through. Initially I accepted the situation because the step son was out of control and his natural mother was disperate. Being a mormon I thought I am doing a right christian thing.

So the expenses become bigger. I was and still sacrificing everything , even my own smallest pleasure like going to hairdresser. During these 2 years my husband never brought a penny. He is stressed , I can see that , but I am very exhausted and tired of this kind of life. I think is not fair towards me. I have tried to talk to him about my feelings

but we are always ending fighting and few times he even slapped me.

All these make me to think about my marriage. I have no happiness returning home from work I am doing it only because my own child needs me and needs his father.

Very often dark thoughts of separation are passing through my mind.

I am very confused and tired. I am losing my sensibility as a mother and as a woman in general . I am feeling like working like a dog and not having no pleasure, having only obligations.

What would you do in my situation????

[Guest]

Hello everybody

I need urgent an advise

I dont even know from where to start but the present state of my marriage is getting me

out of field.

For more than 4 years my husband is not having a job. He says he is looking hard to find something, but due to the crisis he is still unemployed.

we've been married for 7 yrs, together for almost 10, having together a son of 7 years old.

For almost 2 years his son of 17 yrs, from a previous relationship has joined us, despite the financial difficulty we have been going through. Initially I accepted the situation because the step son was out of control and his natural mother was disperate. Being a mormon I thought I am doing a right christian thing.

So the expenses become bigger. I was and still sacrificing everything , even my own smallest pleasure like going to hairdresser. During these 2 years my husband never brought a penny. He is stressed , I can see that , but I am very exhausted and tired of this kind of life. I think is not fair towards me. I have tried to talk to him about my feelings

but we are always ending fighting and few times he even slapped me.

All these make me to think about my marriage. I have no happiness returning home from work I am doing it only because my own child needs me and needs his father.

Very often dark thoughts of separation are passing through my mind.

I am very confused and tired. I am losing my sensibility as a mother and as a woman in general . I am feeling like working like a dog and not having no pleasure, having only obligations.

What would you do in my situation????

I sometimes wonder how my husband would feel if I quit my job and let him be the only source of income in our house.

Oh wait... that is the normal thing for most LDS families.

Who says that the husband HAS to be the one to bring home the bacon? Would you have felt terrible if your husband was the one working and does not make enough income for him to go to a hairdresser?

Just because he is out of work doesn't mean that he has it easy. Yes, you have it hard - but he has it hard too. So, you might want to think about what you contribute to the atmosphere of the house when you get back home from work to understand why he got frustrated enough to slap you.

So, sit down with him and talk with him so you can make sure you understand the roles you both have to play to get the household back in order. Review the budget so that you can have a clear picture of where your money SHOULD go. Then let him do the normal "mom" stuff (like taking care of the finances, taking care of the kids, etc.), you do the normal "dad" stuff (like going to work and helping with household chores) and all will be well.

Don't forget to go to God everyday for strength.

Good luck.

[Bini]

I'm a bit disheartened that your husband has raised a hand at you. In my mind, this is totally unacceptable. No matter how much I drive my husband nuts—he'd never touch me in such a harsh manner. If you haven't already (and even if you have) try or try again to talk about what and how you're feeling. I think when a family is desperately trying to make ends meet, it's fair to suggest that BOTH partners take on work to help bring in additional income, as opposed to just one breadwinner. Keep in mind that it doesn't have to be a high profile career or job (like he may have previously held) but anything that can help contribute to bringing in some money to help support the family and cover at least basic needs.

If you're finding that you cannot talk with your husband, perhaps consider seeking counsel from your bishop and maybe he can help in your situation. Hang in there.

[alla]

Bini thank you very much. you have understood a part of my problem. raising the hand on me was unacceptable. What makes me more crazy the fact that his own son from a previous relationship is in our house and I am not ready to sacrifice the most beautiful years of my life on teenage problems.

My own son is still young and i am not ready psychologically to be a mother of a teenager.

I think the gesture of my husband to bring his teenage son , without having a job or at least a hope of getting a job was veru unfair towards me. To put all the mistakes of his past everything on my shoulders

[Guest]

Bini thank you very much. you have understood a part of my problem. raising the hand on me was unacceptable. What makes me more crazy the fact that his own son from a previous relationship is in our house and I am not ready to sacrifice the most beautiful years of my life on teenage problems.

My own son is still young and i am not ready psychologically to be a mother of a teenager.

I think the gesture of my husband to bring his teenage son , without having a job or at least a hope of getting a job was veru unfair towards me. To put all the mistakes of his past everything on my shoulders

No alla, it is MORE THAN FAIR. IT IS HIS SON. You married HIM. That includes HIS SON. Put yourself in that poor teen-ager's shoes. You basically just denied him his father because you are too caught up in your problems to see the consequence of your choices.

And yes - raising a hand to a woman is bad. But, men are not saints. Provoke them enough and they snap. I know this first-hand because my father - a very sweet even-tempered guy - smacked my mom after a slew of verbal abuse my mom was spitting out. There's a giant difference between a physical abuser and a man who has had enough. "He slapped me once" doesn't ding physical abuse in my book. Bini - on the other hand - is a survivor of physical abuse - her posts would be colored in that way. Bini's ex-husband did not just slap her once.

When you say you are balking at "sacrificing the most beautiful things in my life" for your husband's son, you are not only SELFISH - you are putting a CHILD'S life in the gutter. And you wonder why that kid is a mess. Going from one unloving home to another. I fear for the kid's spirit.

I sure hope that if I die when my kids are teen-agers and they get a stepmother that they are treated better!

[alla]

I am not mistreating his son.I can understand that even for him is not easy. We are having a very good communicatioan and he is confessing me more thing than to his own father.

The only thing I accumulated too much inside me and now I am at a boiling point. I think my husband is not doing enough to get a job. That's all. I am sure that my way of thinking is selfish, but i have only one life and i think for 2 years I had tried enough. it was enough time for my husband to get at least something doing. he has not only one child he has 2 now. If for the first one he has contributed at least something , for our own son he never gave a penny. So all these is just unfair to me. i just think I have done the biggest mistake of my life.I am in depression and I do not know what to do. I hope you can understand my point

[Guest]

I am not mistreating his son.I can understand that even for him is not easy. We are having a very good communicatioan and he is confessing me more thing than to his own father.

The only thing I accumulated too much inside me and now I am at a boiling point. I think my husband is not doing enough to get a job. That's all. I am sure that my way of thinking is selfish, but i have only one life and i think for 2 years I had tried enough. it was enough time for my husband to get at least something doing. he has not only one child he has 2 now. If for the first one he has contributed at least something , for our own son he never gave a penny. So all these is just unfair to me. i just think I have done the biggest mistake of my life.I am in depression and I do not know what to do. I hope you can understand my point

Alla, this is what I'm trying to say. Just because you are a woman and he is a man doesn't mean that he gets to work and you don't. That's why I asked you - would you feel different if you were not working and he was? If you think that's ok, then why is it not ok the other way around if it so happened that he can't find a job and you can? Switch roles. Let him take care of the children and the house and you get to bring home the bacon!

It is this "role reversal" that is getting you in a snitch. Look at it from a different perspective and you will see that there is NOTHING unfair about that situation.

Okay, here's a personal story. My good friend is working her husband is a stay-at-home dad. Their kids are 9 and 7 years old now. My friend's husband couldn't get a job that pays more than his wife's or justify the cost of daycare. So, he stays home... almost 10 years now. Taking care of the house and the kids. Yes, they struggle, like a lot of us do. But - like my husband and I - we don't look at the money as "her money" or "his money". We look at the money as "the family's money". So, if the family budget can't afford hairdressers, then there are no hairdressers in this house.

Yes, there are the ribbing and jokes and such - my husband likes to tease him - about being a "houseband" or a "kept man". And yes, there are the challenges when the kids were toddlers (they are the same age as my sons) because all of the things around town are "mommy and me" stuff and the other mothers - and especially their husbands - do not like a guy running around with their wives. But we all got used to it. My friend is one of the greatest women I know. She doesn't make much, but her dedication to her husband and kids is admirable. She would come home on a Friday night tired from an entire week of work (I used to work with her, so I know how bad it can get in there) and she would shoo her husband out the door so he can spend some "guy time" with his friends. Her husband has been taking care of everybody he doesn't have time to be a "man". And her husband is one amazing father. He puts up with all the crap from everybody, including a sometimes all-stressed-from-work-whining wife because he knows that it is the best thing for the kids.

If I could give you their phone number, I would.

[ryanh]

It is always so much easier to think we see the solutions from the outside of the situation. It is so much different, and so much more difficult actually being in the various nuances of each individual situation. My heart goes out to you for the struggles you are having. I've experienced something similar, and it is so very difficult.

What would I do in your situation? I would week firm and clear guidance from Heavenly Father. He will answer and guide you if you will seek Him out appropriately. I fully trust that is the case. (the trick is for us to be able to hear and recognize the whisperings) Everyone's situation is so unique, and we mortals cannot see the results of our own (or other's) choices. In situations as critical as yours, you need His guidance.

My personal feelings are concern that it seems you are not able to voice how you are feeling without physical retribution. That makes cooperation and resolution very difficult, if not impossible. Is there a way to let him know you are starting to consider ending the relationship without it causing you harm?

[ryanh]

Alla, this is what I'm trying to say. Just because you are a woman and he is a man doesn't mean that he gets to work and you don't. That's why I asked you - would you feel different if you were not working and he was? If you think that's ok, then why is it not ok the other way around if it so happened that he can't find a job and you can? Switch roles. Let him take care of the children and the house and you get to bring home the bacon!

While every situation is unique, and there are times that role reversal is appropriate, espousing it as applicable to the general population would appear to be contrary to the Proclamation on the Family.

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.

[Guest]

While every situation is unique, and there are times that role reversal is appropriate, espousing it as applicable to the general population would appear to be contrary to the Proclamation on the Family.

Nope, I never said it is applicable to the general population. When a spouse is thinking of getting divorced, it's high time you try to see the problem from a different light.

Because - the Proclamation to the Family cannot apply when you are separated.

[ryanh]

"When a spouse is thinking of getting divorced", there clearly is a whole lot that is going wrong. But to present it that it is only the one considering the divorce that is the source of the wrong is plain foolish. Its akin to accusing a rape victim of being the reason she/he was raped.

You have great advice, but I think you must not understand that the way you present it in relation to marriage woes will almost always cause the person hurting to reject it outright because of how condemning it comes across.

You may think that divorce is never an acceptable option, and thereby harshly judge those that are contemplating it, however, I agree with Elder Oaks far more than I agree with your stance - there ARE times that divorce is not only acceptable, but good.

[Guest]

"When a spouse is thinking of getting divorced", there clearly is a whole lot that is going wrong. But to present it that it is only the one considering the divorce that is the source of the wrong is plain foolish. Its akin to accusing a rape victim of being the reason she/he was raped.

You have great advice, but I think you must not understand that the way you present it in relation to marriage woes will almost always cause the person hurting to reject it outright because of how condemning it comes across.

You may think that divorce is never an acceptable option, and thereby harshly judge those that are contemplating it, however, I agree with Elder Oaks far more than I agree with your stance - there ARE times that divorce is not only acceptable, but good.

Ryan... in all cases where somebody is seeking advice - you cannot give advice to "change the other person". The only advice you can give is to have the person seeking advice do something.

I based my answer on 2 facts:

1.) Her problem with the teen-age child is not a problem with the teen-age child, nor the husband. The problem is her acceptance of the teen-age child. I gave advice on a different way of thinking to make it "easier" to accept the teen-age child.

2.) Her problem with her husband is based on his inability to seek employment for 4 years. There is no fact given on why he can't find employment for 4 years suitable to support a family. There is fact given that SHE has the ability to find employment suitable to support a family. You cannot change the husband. It would be great if he can find a job - but it's been 4 years, chances are, it's not gonna happen today. So, advice is given for her to find acceptance to this hand that she is dealt with.

Leaving a husband because he can't find work when the woman is capable of finding the same is horrible. This is not an "acceptable" reason to divorce.

I have been married 13 years. Mostly uphill and then some. A common theme that kept our marriage going against the odds is that both of us are willing to set aside our "selves" for the good of the "family".

We can't ask the husband to do anything. We can only ask the wife to do something - to set aside her "self" for the good of the "family". It is the right thing to do.

Marriage and the raising of children is an exercise in complete sacrifice and service. The same love that Jesus Christ showed all of us. When I got married, especially after I had children, I was ready to accept that my life is not my own anymore. I now have obligations that surpass that.

Divorce is illegal in the Philippines. There's something I can learn from that.

[Guest]

P.S.

I did sound condemning to her attitude towards the 17-year-old. Her thinking that the "most beautiful years of my life" does not include her husband's son is abhorrent to me. I apologize if the tone sounded too harsh. But I won't apologize for the sentiment.

P.P.S.

I find it odd that you would think it okay to suggest separation yet think it not okay to suggest that she keep working while the husband stays home. Especially since you brought the Proclamation of the Family as your supporting document.

P.P.P.S.

Take the advice as it is worth. Free. On the internet.

[Guest mormonmusic]

Alla -- I would see about sending your 17 year old step-son out to work in a part-time job to help make ends meet. Maybe he already has a job and this is a moot point, but that's what I would do.

Also, if I was unemployed for four years, I'd be taking just about anything to get by if I was your husband. Even if it meant having to live in a different city for a while until we could consolidate our situation. Even now I have 3 jobs, plus some hobby-teaching I do to bring in income -- all from being willing to do things I don't really enjoy (I have one job I really like, so it helps). I've always been able to find SOMETHING even if it wasn't my first choice.

Also, I do think the step-son comes with the territory of marrying your husband, as much as you feel some resentment toward the imposition of the stepson. These are risks we shoulder, just as we shoulder risks when we have children that they will develop chronic illnesses (like my son did).

Probably doesn't help much, I know -- and I've been in the dark place of contemplating separation many times in my life, particularly in the 90's and early 2000's.

I think finding ways of boosting your household income would help you, and I would focus on that first. That was one thing that helped my marriage survive -- was the fact we always had income to smooth over the rough spots. Perhaps even reducing expenses might help. I'd focus on that.

Also, try (and I said try) to look at this situation from the perspective of a 17 year old who has gone through a divorced parents situation. How would you like to be remembered by him? Can you find some charity toward him in his difficult teenage years, and view him through the lens of the future -- as an adult. What will he say about his teenage years? How can you become a meaningful force in his life, and act toward him with charity? We all have people we are in a position to influence in some way -- and he is one of the people placed close to you.....

[Bini]

Also, if I was unemployed for four years, I'd be taking just about anything to get by if I was your husband. Even if it meant having to live in a different city for a while until we could consolidate our situation.

Slapping is always an unacceptable form of communication, regardless, if at that time you felt the person deserved it. There are better ways to express one's self. But my other point was exactly what Mormonmusic posted. If you're in a desperate financial situation, your husband should be willing to take whatever job he can find, even if that means he scoops poop off of people's front lawns!

I think a lot of what you're venting are of a combination of various frustrations that have built up over time. Have you approached your husband yet? If you can't resolve your situation by talking it out, please consider the option I suggested earlier and talk with your bishop. Better yet, go with your husband as a couple if he is willing.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I agree that slapping isn't ever a good idea. I disagree with talking to one's Bishop however. In my experience, they are not trained to handle these situations and to give advice. I would speak to them on matters that affect my ability to hold a temple recommend for a required confession, but personal problems I've had have never been resolved by talking to priesthood leaders. If this Bishop was some kind of counselor for a living, and was trained, I might consider going to him. But most of them aren't. Our current Bishop works for the government; our previous one was a manager for the county, and the one before that was an entrepreneur. I think their responses wouldn't be much different than posting questions for advice on a discussion forum.

But for ecclesiastical matters that deal with your callings, your membership, ordinances etcetera, they are an appropriate source of counsel.

Edited February 10, 2011 by mormonmusic

[Bini]

I agree that slapping isn't ever a good idea. I disagree with talking to one's Bishop however. In my experience, they are not trained to handle these situations and to give advice. I would speak to them on matters that affect my ability to hold a temple recommend for a required confession, but personal problems I've had have never been resolved by talking to priesthood leaders. If this Bishop was some kind of counselor for a living, and was trained, I might consider going to him. But most of them aren't. Our current Bishop works for the government; our previous one was a manager for the county, and the one before that was an entrepreneur. I think their responses wouldn't be much different than posting questions for advice on a discussion forum.

But for ecclesiastical matters that deal with your callings, your membership, ordinances etcetera, they are an appropriate source of counsel.

Perhaps I should expand.. The bishop may be able to point them into the right direction of someone who is a qualified counselor. That's more of what I had in mind when I was talking about seeking counsel from the bishop.

ETA: Though I could be mistaken (I'm not an active LDS and for many years now..) but through the bishop, isn't one able to find a counsel through LDS services of some sort? Maybe an LDS counselor is not so important but sometimes people with the same moral standings as yourself helps. I suppose a counselor or therapist outside of the church would be just as efficient in approaching such matters.

Edited February 10, 2011 by Bini

[alla]

Originally Posted by anatess

Alla, this is what I'm trying to say. Just because you are a woman and he is a man doesn't mean that he gets to work and you don't. That's why I asked you - would you feel different if you were not working and he was? If you think that's ok, then why is it not ok the other way around if it so happened that he can't find a job and you can? Switch roles. Let him take care of the children and the house and you get to bring home the bacon

[alla]

Anatess, I would defenitely feel diffrent. But the problem is not in switching roles. that one wasn't even disturbing me before and is not disturbing me now. The problem get complicated when his son arrived. He never asked me : "sweetheart are you ready add to your burdunand responsability another one ???

are you ready to pay his school fees and books, are you ready to be a mother for thim , when the diffrence between me and the step son is only 14 yers. are you ready to confront the world outside, when they are saying and thinking that the step son and me are the mother and the father of our own son? are you ready to sacrifice the small money which remain after the bill and rent is paid for him?are you ready to continue like for how long????? No that kind of discussion never took place . It was just give me money for his ticket, for his health problem, for his books , EVEN 100Euro for his birthday. But my small need as a WOMAN to go to hairdresser should be ignored. i never have time to go to doctor for a check up because I have to go to work and not to loose my work in order to sustaine the family. I can not talk about my feelings because the points I raise is not convinient for him . He is stressed and the discussion has to be finished with feasts into my mouth and head, slaps etc. I can not live like this. I am constantly afraid , I am hiding and pretending at work, with my parents . How much I will be hiding him???

I was always a good child and a good teenager, i was a brilliant student , I graduated my master having a scholarship. i am speaking 6 foreign languages. I never messed with my life and the life of others. But i decided to marry a man who has a lot of past and I think I dont deserve this.

In this situation, for mentaining the peace in the house. I just dont talk thing what is not pleasing him. Giving the impression that everything is fine. In this moment I have a parallel life . I start smoking , which I never did in my life. I am breaking the covenant with God which i took at my baptisime. I am feeling terrible , BUT I am ONLY A HUMAN and especially I am a woman.And I want to feel like a womanand not like a man who is pushing a train!

[alla]

I am sorry for my mistakes in english, but at the moment i just lost my sanity

[Gwen]

I was always a good child and a good teenager, i was a brilliant student , I graduated my master having a scholarship. i am speaking 6 foreign languages. I never messed with my life and the life of others. But i decided to marry a man who has a lot of past and I think I dont deserve this.

alla, if it helps any you are not alone in your frustrations. you aren't the first step parent to feel resentment, not just for the kid(s) but for the past of the spouse. does your husband get child support from the mother? if not i would start there. here in the usa it would be required with his changing homes. that should help with the increased financial burden of him moving in.

i have a step son, i know how hard it can be to be watch a significantly larger amount of money spent on him than the rest of you get (we pay child support as well as many other incalculable expenses). it's very easy to get caught up in resenting him for that. you have to decide how much you really want to resent a child that had no choice in the situation his parents left him in. do you really want to blame him so you can avoid blaming someone else?

the day i said yes i would marry my husband i stopped and thought about what that meant in relation to his son. i asked myself some hard questions and i answered them. i decided long before the "i do's" that he was part of this family. i decided what i wanted him to think about me and the children i would bring into the family when he was grown. when i feel frustrated about financial situations i try to remember those things. i also considered what i want my kids to think about my stepson when they look back at life. i keep that in mind as well. it's not easy. every decision, every frustration has to go through that filter. what is the long term impact on the relationships in this house? is this worth it?

now for the part of your post i quoted. i know those feelings too. that's what happens when someone without a "past" marries someone with a "past". yes you knew about it before you married. but the pain creeps up in ways you never imagined they could, don't they? it's not easy. who are you really mad at? him for his mistakes? yourself for being naive enough to think they didn't matter? god? life? just being mad in general, any excuse will do, cause it's a nice outlet for the bottled up emotions?

something that might help you start to have an honest conversation with yourself. read and pray about the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15..... go past the part we like to quote about the party for the lost son's return, to the elder son.

25Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard musick and dancing. 26And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant.

27And he said unto him, Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound.

28And he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and intreated him.

29And he answering said to his father, Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends:

30But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf.

31And he said unto him, aSon, thou art ever with me, and ball that I have is thine.

32It was ameet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.

the bold sound familiar? the father reassures the faithful son that his inheritance is secure "all that i have is thine".

do you deserve the consequences of your husband's past? not really. did you accept them and take them on as your own when you married him? yes. it's that simple. upon judgment day your husband will have to account for his past and you yours. and you will jointly account for what you did together. your emotions are normal, the hard question to face is "what will you do with them?"

i don't know if your marriage is worth saving or not. but if you walk, if you call it quits, if you create your own "past" it needs to be on honest ground; for what your marriage is or isn't. don't use your stepson as your excuse. don't use your husband's past as your excuse. if you leave on a self righteous pedestal it will crumble, you will bring that "past" into any future relationships. at that point you will deserve everything you get.

get honest with yourself and then make your decisions.

[MichaelCraig]

Dear Alla, I am able to see this situation from both views. I am the Dad (who has had the same job for 27+ yrs now thanks to Heavenly Father) I have my 19yr old son living with us and it has caused some issues with my 2nd and last wife. We do not have kids together. My wife was raised totally different than myself or my son. She was overly protected and lived a very sheltered young life. This was how she was raised and it is deeply engrained in her so all she understands and is comfortable with is the rules and ways that she had to follow as a child and teenager. My first wife left with another man when my son was 2 years old and I raised him by myself and did the best I could. Now I find that no matter what I do, how hard I listen, love, compromise, sacrifice...that I am the bad man in between who cannot win. That I can do NO RIGHT. I've never raised my hand to any woman. My way of dealing with high stress situations like those is to leave the property and return later when it has cooled down. I too have had the past few years, and STILL have strong feelings of divorce even though I strongly am against it. I feel this way I believe because it just seems so hopeless and I feel that everyone would be better off if we split, but, I think about it another day after looking at the big picture and I think maybe it is not so bad and to just keep praying, working, loving my family, praying more and more until my knees bleed. HF has given me strength to hold on these past 3 or 4 yrs but I still have my weak days when it takes all I can do to stop from packing my clothes and leaving forever. I am sorry for this place you are at in your life right now. Try to remember those words...AND THIS TOO SHALL SOON PASS. Yes, that is not easy to keep saying but it is true. Cling close to our Heavenly Father at this time and let Him know your troubles through prayer. Being a parent or a step-parent in a marriage is a very VERY hard thing but it can work with the help of His Holy Spirit. You know, He still IS in the miracle business and in my case I feel it will take nothing short of a miracle to help us repair and keep our marriage going. You are loved by many here and if it is ok with you, you and your family will be in my prayers.

[Guest]

Anatess, I would defenitely feel diffrent. But the problem is not in switching roles. that one wasn't even disturbing me before and is not disturbing me now. The problem get complicated when his son arrived. He never asked me : "sweetheart are you ready add to your burdunand responsability another one ???

are you ready to pay his school fees and books, are you ready to be a mother for thim , when the diffrence between me and the step son is only 14 yers. are you ready to confront the world outside, when they are saying and thinking that the step son and me are the mother and the father of our own son? are you ready to sacrifice the small money which remain after the bill and rent is paid for him?are you ready to continue like for how long????? No that kind of discussion never took place . It was just give me money for his ticket, for his health problem, for his books , EVEN 100Euro for his birthday. But my small need as a WOMAN to go to hairdresser should be ignored. i never have time to go to doctor for a check up because I have to go to work and not to loose my work in order to sustaine the family. I can not talk about my feelings because the points I raise is not convinient for him . He is stressed and the discussion has to be finished with feasts into my mouth and head, slaps etc. I can not live like this. I am constantly afraid , I am hiding and pretending at work, with my parents . How much I will be hiding him???

I was always a good child and a good teenager, i was a brilliant student , I graduated my master having a scholarship. i am speaking 6 foreign languages. I never messed with my life and the life of others. But i decided to marry a man who has a lot of past and I think I dont deserve this.

In this situation, for mentaining the peace in the house. I just dont talk thing what is not pleasing him. Giving the impression that everything is fine. In this moment I have a parallel life . I start smoking , which I never did in my life. I am breaking the covenant with God which i took at my baptisime. I am feeling terrible , BUT I am ONLY A HUMAN and especially I am a woman.And I want to feel like a womanand not like a man who is pushing a train!

Alla... YOU SAID YES TO THE RESPONSIBILITY OF A TEEN-AGER when you married the man. Alla - think of this - when you married him knowing that he has a son, you EXPECTED him to abandon the son when things get rough. You actually APPROVE of him abandoning his son. Because you said you were ok when the son was not with him but now you're not ok with him in the picture.

But then now that he is abandoning his responsibility for you and your child, you expect him to do differently!

He is a loser from what you are saying. But you knew that when you married him. You can't change him. You can only change how you react to the situation.

The TRUE CHARACTER of a person is not how she succeeds when life is a bed of roses. The GREATNESS is measured by how she RISES above the THORNS. Good choices are easy to make when life is good. But, making GOOD choices when life is hard is how you follow Christ - pick up your cross and follow Me, He says. Right now you are making bad choices to deal with the very hard road infront of you. RISE ABOVE IT. BE STRONG. Christ can help you! PRAY HARD.

About your abusive relationship with your husband - first you said he slapped you once - so I didn't get there was abuse. Then now you're saying he punches you. I don't know what to believe - but it doesn't matter - YOU KNOW if there is abuse or not. YOU KNOW your husband. When there is abuse - SEEK HELP.

Alla - I know you are hurting right now and you can barely breathe for the rocks piled on top of your head. I know this will sound like a giant boulder slammed over your head on top of the rocks - but really, Alla, you will find happiness when you go beyond yourself in the service of others - especially the ones closest to you. When you can go beyond yourself and see the needs of others, you will realize life isn't so bad that it can beat you down. You can be strong. Even if it is not enough strength to fix your relationship with your husband, at least it will be enough strength for you to make GOOD choices instead of bad.

The thing you need to think about is - that teen-ager dropped on your lap is as much a VICTIM of your husband's disregard for his responsibilities as YOU ARE. DO NOT ABANDON THIS CHILD. LOVE HIM. PUT HIM ABOVE YOU if the water is too deep! Help him succeed! Because, alla - YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE that can help him. His loser parents abandoned him, don't do it to him too.

Maybe this video will help you find strength:

[alla]

Dear Gwen and Michael Graig i felt much more better after reading your posts. I will be praying harder so God can guide me and help me. In this our struggle ,I think if my husband could try more:like studying the language of the country we reside right now, to be more dynamic and agressive in looking for a job.It might help and allow him to get better results. But at the moment he is always waiting for me to talk, to ask, to get connections. In my eyes he is loosing the image of the man I married. the one who was ready to be a provider, a protector .... the way he was before moving abroad and asking me and our son to join.

In any case I will keep praying that the frustrations and the resentments I feel right now will minimise so I can come back on track to be the nice, cheerful person I was before. I will try to save my marriage despite all these mess.

The step son knows that I don’t have anything personal with him, but with the situation. He said once: ”if my biological mum would find herself in this particular situation, she can never resist one day and would separate from my father right away.”” For me it was a sign of admiration and I felt good that moment. It just gave me more courage and motivation to continue to push the train . Thank you so much all for letting me know that I am not alone in this crucial moment of my lifetime , here on earth. Thank you and God bless you all!!!!!

[Guest]

Alla, I know you think my posts are harsh. I re-read them all and yes, it is harsh. I apologize. My only excuse is that I am sensitive to the needs of children. And yes, I haven't been to the hairdresser for the last 2 years because of my children. I am happy with that choice and I can't understand why another mother wouldn't be happy with the same choice. But, I know everybody sees things differently and yes, it would be great if we can go to the hairdresser together. Maybe we can find a hairdresser in Alaska - it's halfway between you and me.

Just consider me the "bad cop" in a "bad cop, good cop" routine in this thread.

I sincerely apologize if I hurt you even more than you already are.