New Marriage issues

[NewConvert]

Hello all. this is my first post and I am loocking for some help/advice. I am confused. As you can see by my name I am a new convert. I am also newly married as well. I will try to keep it short but I am long winded and prone to details so thanks in advance for reading this.

Short story first. I have been in a long distance relationship (3 years now) with a woman who was raised LDS but has been away from the church for awhile. We were married just over 1 month ago (civilly by her Bishop). As soon as we left where she was living and got back to where I live, she said she thinks she made a mistake in marrying me. She said she loves me more than anyone she ever has, that I am her best friend and she trusts me more than anyone she has ever met but that the spark we had when dating isn't there anymore. When she first told me this, my faith was tested and I almost responded with well then, get out. I tried not to be upset but it was a challenge for me. Before she left she said 90% of her doesn't want to be with me. She went home to visit her daughter, and while she was gone she said 60% of her doesn't want to come back. Again, i almost told her to stay if she doesn't want to be here, I don't want to force anyone to be with me if they don't want to. I received my Patriarchal blessing and it speciffically mentions her and what is required of me is standing by her. So I stopped all thought of letting her go and am basically doing anything and everything she needs in order for her to work things out.

After seeing her regress (stopping daily reading, and all church activities) and hearing her talk about her need for her old Bishop, and needing to get back to her addiction class (at her home), I asked her if she wanted to go back home and work this out. She left a few days ago. We are going to try this again at a distance while she works with her bishop and a psychiatrist (she has many severe issues from previous marriages she thought she had resolved). She still is not 100% sure she wants to be married and cancelled all talk of the temple wedding we were working towards but still tells me how much she loves me, how much she trusts me and how I am her best friend.

Hopefully, you can see why I am confused. Being a new convert doesn't help because most people I know (nonLDS) would tell me to just move on. She has too many issues or doesn't really care for you. I know of her past issues and how she is very messed up inside, but I am trying to stand by her the best I can and be a good husband / Priesthood holder for her. I guess I am just asking, Am I crazy for doing this?

[rameumptom]

You are not crazy. Marriage is for better or for worse. In our day, the world encourages us to run away from relationships that are not perfect. Yet it is often in the struggle that we create the best marriages. As long as she is getting help and willing to work on her problems, be patient. A year from now things may be much better, and you would be her hero for sticking with her.

And if she is even more insistent on divorce, you can always give it to her later. For now, encourage her and love her, then focus on your own spiritual and emotional growth.

[NeuroTypical]

I would submit that one popular choice for folks in your situation is really not a good option and should be avoided at all costs. Please, for the love of pete, do NOT bring an innocent child into this rocky and unstable situation. Lots of folks make that choice, in the hopes that the burden of a child will get the other spouse to 'wake up' and change their behavior. Unfortunately, it doesn't often succeed.

Since there are no innocent lives involved yet, it seems to me that your two legitimate choices are to try to make the marriage work, or get a divorce. I figure you have to pick one and go for it. No idea which one you should pick, but good luck.

[rex8499]

My wife's first marriage had some similarities to your situation.

He was a 2-yr convert to the church, she was lifelong. After they got married, 6 months later he decided that he didn't want to be religious anymore, didn't want to finish college, and didn't want to be married anymore. He threw his entire life away. All he wanted to do was play video games and drink beer essentially.

She was devastated and tried her best to stay a faithful wife for him, but ultimately he followed through and divorced her. It was the old saying, "if you love someone you have to let them go." She loved him, but she wasn't going to fight him and try and make him stay. But she did what she could to hold things together.

I don't understand how someone can fall out of love so quickly or give up on the 2nd biggest commitment they will ever make. I'm committed until the end, through hell or high water. Through any trial. Nobody will ever be able to say, "Rex8499 wasn't committed to his wife and didn't give it his all."

"Divorce can be justified only in the rarest of circumstances. In my opinion, “just cause” for divorce should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship that destroys a person’s dignity as a human being." -President James E. Faust

Second Counselor in the First Presidency

LDS.org - Ensign Article - Enriching Your Marriage

[skippy740]

You are 100% responsible for 50% of the marriage.

Yet, in its infancy, you are insulted and rejected. What kind of foundation is that? Addictions? Previous marriage(s)???

Somehow having a ceremony and getting a legal piece of paper has triggered something in her... because I assume that things were okay for the previous 3 years.

I don't know either of you... but on the surface, this looks like a bad idea.

I don't know what is mentioned in your blessing, but I sure hope the blessings are good for you to help her get through this?

I would go through counseling yourself along with her. You have been emotionally wounded by her words and actions, so I would recommend doing some joint counseling, if possible.

[NewConvert]

Just wanted to say thank you to those who responded. I was caught in a short period of weakness and doubt. Thank you for the support.

[findingmyway]

Yes you are crazy. You are crazy for being faithful , for being a good honest man. Whats crazier , is the thought of you two getting sealed someday...... when youre really ready. Even crazier is if you two are strong in the gospel. How crazy is that ? Stand by her side, worry about who you are and do all you can do. Help her, love her. Shes priceless , just like you are.

Im sure knowing her past , you knew it wasnt going to be easy. Youre a brave one, stay strong. I pray things will work out.