Big Sister Trying to Fix Big Family Problem

[naturegrl94]

Hi all,

I've never posted anything like this before, but I have a rather delicate situation that I just can't go to family about (like I normally would). In sum, my youngest brother is getting married in the temple in June, and it doesn't sound like he's planning on inviting our mother to the sealing, to stand in the reception line with the rest of the family, or even to attend the reception later that evening. As the big sister, I just want to make everything better, and I just don't know how to in this situation.

Since, of course, the situation is not that simple, here is the background, as short as I can make it. Our parents were married about 40 years and got divorced, after being separated about 2.5 years, this past Fall. Our mother remarried a very loving, LDS man ("Richard") a few months later. Although our mother was verbally and emotionally abused by our father for a very long time, both of my brothers feel that our mother should have given our father another chance after she left him. Both of them, but especially the youngest brother, have taken the the divorce and especially the remarriage very hard.

Our mother wanted the divorce for a long time, as the her marriage to my father was not a happy one and was filled with a lot of fighting. But, because she was worried how it would impact us children, she waited until all of us were grown and out of the house to leave. Our mother, myself, and both of my brothers are active in the church. The thing my brothers find hard to forgive of our mother is that she met Richard prior to the divorce with our father being final. She met Richard at church after having been separated from our father about 2 years, so it's not like Richard was the cause of the breakdown of our parents' marriage, and she certainly wasn't looking for a new man. She simply met him at church. By the time our mother met Richard, he had been single for many years. But, understandably my brothers are having a really hard time. My mother has since taken care of any wrongdoing in meeting and getting to know Richard (prior to the divorce being final) with her bishop. She holds a current temple recommend, and her bishop finds her worthy to go to the temple.

But, my brothers, especially the youngest, cannot forgive her for leaving our father. My father has told us all several times that our mother "left the family," not just him when she chose to go, and I know my youngest brother feels abandoned. I really believe my father has turned my brother against our mother. My mother has done everything she can think of to re-establish ties with both of my brothers (letters, phone calls, emails, visits), and the youngest will not have anything to do with her. Since I still have a relationship with all of my family members, I have tried on a number of occasions to intervene and try to help things out, but I feel I only make things worse. Prior to my mother leaving, she and my youngest brother had a very good mother and son relationship. So, it just breaks my heart that things have come to this.

I realize that it's my brother's marriage, and his choice, as to who he wants to invite to be at the sealing and later, at the reception. But, gosh, I can't help but think that someday, when he looks back at this (if he can ever find it in his heart to forgive our mother), he is going to regret doing this and acting this way. What can I do when he just won't listen to me? And, what can I do to comfort my poor mother? She is just beside herself with grief.

[Guest]

Nothing you can do except pray, love both of them with all your heart, and give honest, loving advice when the opportunity arises.

But, prayers can go a long way...

What does the future sis-in-law say? She could be the key to all this. :)

[naturegrl94]

Hi anatess,

Thanks for that. The future sis-in-law is only 19. Unfortunately, I live on the opposite end of the country (assigned here with my work) and have only met her once, very briefly at a family member's funeral. Due to the nature of things with the family, I do not even know her last name. She seemed like a very nice girl, just very young, and it was very clear she only knew what my brother was telling her. I never had an opportunity to talk to her alone and was only able to tell her that we had been raised by a loving mother.

[Guest]

Hi anatess,

Thanks for that. The future sis-in-law is only 19. Unfortunately, I live on the opposite end of the country (assigned here with my work) and have only met her once, very briefly at a family member's funeral. Due to the nature of things with the family, I do not even know her last name. She seemed like a very nice girl, just very young, and it was very clear she only knew what my brother was telling her. I never had an opportunity to talk to her alone and was only able to tell her that we had been raised by a loving mother.

I know a lot of very upstanding 19-year-olds with a good head on their shoulders... and then, I also know of some crazy 19-year-olds...

If I was in your position, I would probably try to feel out what the 19-year-old thinks on the matter. A phone call would be sufficient. Just a "hey, I was just wondering, what is your opinion about my mother's role in your wedding?" and just listen for her answer without offering your opinion on the matter. Make sense?

[naturegrl94]

Hmm. . . that is an idea I hadn't thought of. Since I only met her once and don't know her last name (don't have her email, phone number, or any other contact information), it will take some doing to try to figure out how talk to her about this. I feel like I should probably establish some type of relationship with her first because just going into this - otherwise, I'm sure she would find it strange that I was contacting her only for this, and my brother would get really mad (which wouldn't help). But, that's a good idea. I think I'll pray for some opportunities to get to know her somehow/some way before the wedding. Perhaps I could talk to my brother and let him know I'd like to get to know her better and would like to start with an email correspondence thing or something and go from there??

[Gwen]

i understand the desire you have to keep the family together and the intentions behind wanting mom there but stay out of it. it's his wedding and if you push something then he will just push you away too. if the opportunity comes up to be discrete then comment that you think mom should be there, how mom feels about it, and leave it at that. he has that right.

i have some similar issues with my family. there are some members that don't talk anymore. one day one of them asked for the phone number of someone that they weren't on speaking terms with. as much as i think family ought to have each other's number i didn't give it out. i asked the person first. the answer was no. i respected their wishes and didn't give it out. i didn't like it but it was the right thing to do.

it's your brother's wedding, respect his wishes. yes it's easier said than done. i would suggest you talk to your mom, see if she can call him or write him a letter. not to guilt him into inviting her but to really pour her heart out, tell him how she feels. let him know that she will respect his wishes and not show up if it will ruin his day and express her unconditional love for him. then pray he will have a change of heart.

[naturegrl94]

Some good things to take into consideration, Gwen. Thanks very much for your input.

[ryanh]

Your brother has to resolve his own feelings. It really is up to him, and try as we might, often it is just not possible to help a person see the correct path unless they want to see it.

What comes to my mind is the question of if your brother truly feels worthy to enter in to the temple and enter into such a holy ordinance with such ill feelings in his heart. Does he really understand the moat and beam parable? That the greater sin is in him right now?

Does he not understand the necessity of forgiving others before he can be forgiven of his own follies? Matthew 6:

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Your brother may not yet be mature enough to understand how this concept applies to him. But from a distance, with what you have said, it does sound like he ought to take a deep look at whether or not he is pure enough to enter the temple.

'O man, forgive thy mortal foe,

Nor ever strike him blow for blow;

For all the souls on earth that live

To be forgiven must forgive.

Forgive him seventy times and seven:

For all the blessed souls in Heaven

Are both forgivers and forgiven.'

Lord Alfred Tennyson

I have tried on a number of occasions to intervene . . .

Perhaps the attempt to intervene is why you have not been successful. If you are coming to your brother, pleading your mother's case, what he is going to hear is that you are a representative of the 'enemy', and therefore not a friend to him. Have you just listened to him? Let him process with you what he is feeling without telling him he's wrong, or misunderstands, or interjecting with your mother's or your position? Perhaps if he has some genuine loving help to process his feelings, he can let go of them sooner.

[Jennarator]

It's hard when people don't know "that whole story." Even parents, tho meaning no harm can "brain wash" thier children into thinking one parent is better than another. My husband's ex does this, my cousin's mom does this. These parents think they are doing what is best for thier children. They are not, but try to "fix" things and it can make it worse.

If you father was verbally abusive to you mother, she most likely made the right choice in leaving. Verbal abuse can be just as, if not more, harmful in many ways than physical abuse. (Although we don't know the details. And I don't want to "take sides.")

This one is up to your brother. If chance presents itself, you might want to mention that there are two side to every story and let your brother think about that. Saying it lovingly.

[naturegrl94]

Perhaps the attempt to intervene is why you have not been successful. If you are coming to your brother, pleading your mother's case, what he is going to hear is that you are a representative of the 'enemy', and therefore not a friend to him. Have you just listened to him? Let him process with you what he is feeling without telling him he's wrong, or misunderstands, or interjecting with your mother's or your position? Perhaps if he has some genuine loving help to process his feelings, he can let go of them sooner.

Thanks, ryanh. Some really good points there that I will definitely heed. As you mentioned, I have had concerns of whether or not my younger brother is really ready to enter the temple with these hard feelings but have dared not mention them because he gets so upset. He told me awhile back that "he's just not ready to forgive yet" but acknowledges the commandment that we all must. I will be mindful in future conversations with him to make sure I really listen to him and that I don't try to push my thoughts onto him. Thanks again.

[Gwen]

you can't push him to deal with anything. i'm speaking as someone that has had ill feelings toward a parent. not as bad as your brother but i have siblings that do. my story is very similar to yours. listen to him and understand, even if he's "wrong". once you fully understand him you will either be able to help him better see another perspective or it will become something you can accept and not feel the need to intrude in things. understanding your brother will also put you in a better position to comfort your mom. i've been in that seat too. being able to say, "it doesn't matter what really happened, this is their perspective and this is what they need to overcome to restore this relationship" moves the conversation from complaining to something more proactive.

it's not your problem or business if he's worthy to enter the temple or not. that will be decided by those with that authority.

[naturegrl94]

it's not your problem or business if he's worthy to enter the temple or not. that will be decided by those with that authority.

Yes, absolutely. Agreed.

[MorningStar]

There were some grudges between my brothers-in-law and I told both of them at the same time that it doesn't just affect them - it affects all of us and it's not fair to anyone, so they better knock it off. Their parents were bawling on Christmas Eve because they had a fight. Ugh.

Maybe tell your brother after the wedding that you have had enough of this. Your mom can't go back and change things and she shouldn't have to. Maybe it would have been an easier adjustment if she had left the marriage years earlier. So sorry to hear about this situation.

[Guest]

I just can't reconcile the fact that somebody is going to enter the Temple with this bitterness in their hearts.

I know it happens, but I, myself, cannot do it. I can't enter the Temple asking for God's grace when I refuse mercy/forgiveness to somebody else.

But, that's neither here nor there.

[naturegrl94]

I just can't reconcile the fact that somebody is going to enter the Temple with this bitterness in their hearts.

I know it happens, but I, myself, cannot do it. I can't enter the Temple asking for God's grace when I refuse mercy/forgiveness to somebody else.

But, that's neither here nor there.

I know what you mean. I try to remind myself that while we must be worthy to go to the temple, we are not required to be perfect to enter. I'm sure you would agree that a worthy reason to go to the temple is sometimes to overcome struggles we have, and I'm sure that for some, those struggles may include some hard feelings they are working to resolve. In my brother's case, I think I would feel better about everything if I could just believe that he knows he has a problem with forgiveness and wants to work to resolve it. But, of course, that isn't very Christlike of me to make such a judgment because for all I know, perhaps he has. It's between him and the Lord, and I must mind my own business. It would just be so nice if I could wave a magic wand and fix it all.

[Gwen]

in the temple, at the prayer circle they ask that anyone with hard feelings for another present please not participate (i'm paraphrasing). so obviously it's not a sin to attend the temple when you are struggling with hard feelings toward another.

it may not be that he's being unforgiving, but that he can't maintain the relationship. it may not seem like a valid reason to you but it's not you.

an example you might be able to understand would be if someone molested my child.... maybe one day i might forgive them (not be full of anger and wish them dead) but you can bet i will never have a relationship with or trust them again. i wouldn't invite them to my wedding (no matter the previous relationship) but does that make me unworthy to enter the temple?

i just think worrying about another person's worthiness isn't much better than his having a hard time getting over what to him was obviously a trauma.

[jayanna]

ooohhh I know it is really hard to watch someone you love make a bad decision.

You can fast for him, and put his name on the temple prayer roll. I have seen that work miracles, and so have my husband's nonmember family. In fact, when one of his siblings are going through something really terrible, they ask me to put their name on the temple prayer roll.

You might not want to argue on behalf of your mom, maybe just suggest to your bro. that maybe there are two sides to every story and encourage him to have a heart to heart with her. She probably expects something like this is going to happen, and might just have to console herself by being relieved that he is getting sealed in the temple. After all being sealed isn't something you do one day, it's something you decide to be every day.

Oddly, if he does still decide not to include her, you have to forgive him as well.

[naturegrl94]

Thanks all for the replies. I think there may have been a few misunderstandings on here though. I have always believed my brother is just doing the best he can with what is a difficult situation for all involved. Although he may make decisions I don't understand or agree with, I love him and always will.

My initial question was, more or less, is whether there is an anything "active" (beyond praying, fasting, etc.) I can do to bring this splintered family together, even a little. It's hard to see the people I love estranged from one another. Several of you have offered some really good, insightful ideas, and I thank you. I guess it would just be nice to believe that things will get better with time and the Lord's help.

[naturegrl94]

it may not be that he's being unforgiving, but that he can't maintain the relationship. it may not seem like a valid reason to you but it's not you.

an example you might be able to understand would be if someone molested my child.... maybe one day i might forgive them (not be full of anger and wish them dead) but you can bet i will never have a relationship with or trust them again. i wouldn't invite them to my wedding (no matter the previous relationship) but does that make me unworthy to enter the temple?

It is my hope that you mean well by this comment. One should never, ever compare a woman who left a toxic, abusive relationship after her children were grown and out of the house, to a child molester. You may have believed that to be a useful analogy, but it is just plain hurtful.

[pam]

It is my hope that you mean well by this comment. One should never, ever compare a woman who left a toxic, abusive relationship after her children were grown and out of the house, to a child molester. You may have believed that to be a useful analogy, but it is just plain hurtful.

While perhaps not the best of analogies, I don't think Gwen intentionally meant any harm. Though personally I can't see the corrolation between child molester and a woman leaving her marriage.

[ryanh]

Why I don't see any good "correlation", I do see Gwen's excellent point that our own personal weaknesses in forgiving are not automatically excluding of us from worthiness. Gwen can correct any misunderstanding herself, but I presumed the hypothetical was used not as something corollary to the situation, but to highlight a difficult situation where forgiveness takes time.

[Gwen]

ryan is correct. i was not saying they were the same other than there is a trauma of some kind that needs to be forgiven. i just wanted to highlight something i thought you could empathize with and see how not forgiving doesn't equal unworthy. i meant no offense.

you can't see why he would struggle with forgiveness from your perspective of what happened between your parents. that does not mean his perspective is not valid.

the process of forgiveness is all the same, doesn't matter the offense. some trauma's take time, for some ppl more than others.

as i said before i can relate to a lot of your story, i can see where both you and your brother are coming from. my mom stayed with my dad for the kids, it was a toxic relationship of verbal abuse, they divorced just shy of 30 yrs (after the kids were grown). there are things i still struggle forgiving my parents with, especially my dad. some of my siblings won't talk to him at all. i have a different view on family and insist on maintaining a relationship of some kind no matter how uncomfortable. i have siblings that won't do that. i think they are wrong, but i respect their struggle. though i maintain contact there are some things i have not forgiven.

sometimes the best we can do on forgiveness is not harbor hatred or enmity for someone. sometimes walking away is the best way to do that. if you knew forcing contact (pushing a timetable not his own) with mom was delaying his ability to truly forgive and possibly one day reconcile would you still want to "fix" this?

[naturegrl94]

I appreciate you clarifying, Gwen. Thanks.