Confessing to Your Spouse

[MorningStar]

A lot of people have come here asking if they have to tell their spouse about their infidelity (physical or emotional), pornography use, etc.

I know it must be terrifying, but as members of the church, we have been taught from our childhood that part of repentance is confessing to the person we wronged and making things right with them. As my husband and I talked about this subject and the people who say they don't want to confess because they don't want to hurt their spouse, he said, "They already hurt their spouse."

I thought we might post some scriptures, conference talks, etc. supporting the counsel to confess to one's spouse.

Here is a great talk on emotional fidelity.

Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think - Ensign Sept. 2009

The weekend after Jane met with her bishop, she asked her sister to watch her children so she could speak to Aaron alone. Although she had not committed a physical act of infidelity, the serious nature of her actions and her desire to fully come clean, repent, and rebuild her marriage inspired her to confess to Aaron. It was difficult, but she finally managed to explain the situation. Aaron told her he had noticed her pulling away but didn’t know what to do about it. Jane apologized and committed to change the dynamics with her co-worker immediately and to work at rekindling her marriage relationship.

Even though there was no physical infidelity, talking to her husband was part of the process. This whole article is great for anyone to read and can help us examine our own loyalty to our spouses.

From The Meaning of Repentance:

The Meaning of Repentance - Liahona Nov. 1988

Naturally, the confession that precedes repentance for serious sins should be made to a bishop or stake president who has the authority to hear such confession. Forgiveness must be sought from others affected by the sin.

From When "I'm Sorry" Isn't Enough: Teaching the Principle of Restitution

When “I’m Sorry†Isn’t Enough: Teaching the Principle of Restitution - Ensign Oct. 1984

Restitution has always been a part of the gospel plan. We read in the law of Moses that when one has sinned against another, “he shall even restore it in the principal, and shall add the fifth part more thereto.” (Lev. 6:5.)

From The Miracle of Forgiveness, Chapter 4

Teachings of Presidents of the Church: SpencerW. Kimball Chapter 4: The Miracle of Forgiveness

When a person has experienced the deep sorrow and humility induced by a conviction of sin; when he has cast off the sin and resolutely determined to abhor it henceforth; when he has humbly confessed his sin to God and to the proper persons on earth—when these things are done there remains the requirement of restitution. He must restore that which he damaged, stole, or wronged. 18

The repentant sinner is required to make restitution insofar as it is possible. I say “insofar as it is possible” because there are some sins for which no adequate restitution can be made, and others for which only partial restitution is possible.

A thief or burglar may make partial restitution by returning that which was stolen. A liar may make the truth known and correct to some degree the damage done by the lie. A gossip who has slandered the character of another may make partial restitution through strenuous effort to restore the good name of the person he harmed. If by sin or carelessness the wrongdoer has destroyed property, he may restore or pay for it in full or in part.

If a man’s actions have brought sorrow and disgrace to his wife and children, in his restitution he must make every effort to restore their confidence and love by an overabundance of … devotion and fidelity. This is true also of wives and mothers. Likewise if children have wronged their parents, a part of their … repentance must be to right those wrongs and to honor their parents.

As a rule there are many things which a repentant soul can do to make amends. “A broken heart and a contrite spirit” will usually find ways to restore to some extent. The true spirit of repentance demands that he who injures shall do everything in his power to right the wrong. 19

Also in The Meaning of Repentance, I thought this quote was very helpful.

As a General Authority, I have prepared information for the First Presidency to use in considering applications to readmit repentant transgressors into the Church and to restore priesthood and temple blessings. Many times, a bishop will write, “I feel he has suffered enough!” But suffering is not repentance. Suffering comes from the lack of complete repentance. A stake president will write, “I feel he has been punished enough!” But punishment is not repentance. Punishment follows disobedience and precedes repentance. A husband will write, “My wife has confessed everything!” But confession is not repentance. Confession is an admission of guilt that occurs as repentance begins. A wife will write, “My husband is filled with remorse!” But remorse is not repentance. Remorse and sorrow continue because a person has not yet fully repented. Suffering, punishment, confession, remorse, and sorrow may sometimes accompany repentance, but they are not repentance. What, then, is repentance?

To find the answer to this question, we must go to the Old Testament. The Old Testament was originally written in Hebrew, and the word used in it to refer to the concept of repentance is shub. Shub means “to turn from.”

The message of the Old Testament is to shub, or to turn from transgression and back to our loving Father in Heaven—to leave unhappiness, sorrow, regret, and despair behind and turn back to our Father’s family. There we can find happiness, joy, and acceptance among his other children.

The fact that you feel terrible is not an excuse not to tell your spouse. I have never read a single account in the scriptures or church publications suggesting that the spouse doesn't need to be told about these things.

To any of my brothers or sisters who come here having a dilemma over this, I care about your spouses and you. Not telling them hurts both of you. It hurts your marriage and as a consequence, your children too. It can physically harm your spouse if you don't tell them and they may be wondering why they feel so insecure lately. Telling them may give them relief in one way, that they weren't feeling that way for nothing. Recently I read that when a spouse confesses adultery, their husband or wife immediately knows who it was with. They could already see that something wasn't right there.

Your eternal happiness is at stake. It's probably one of the scariest things you will ever do, but many people have and many marriages have survived infidelity. As many times as your spouse might have said, "I would leave you if you did that!" it is often not true. I believe they are more likely to leave if you lie and give them no reason to believe you anymore.

I think you know what you have to do and I will pray for anyone here to gain courage to do so, but please don't ask people here for an excuse not to confess to your spouse.

Please share some more links on this subject. Thank you! :)

[slamjet]

...examine our own loyalty to our spouses.

Now there's the line that should end all discussion on the matter. This is great work. Sticky worthy.

[MorningStar]

Now there's the line that should end all discussion on the matter. This is great work. Sticky worthy.

Thanks. :) None of us are immune to temptation and all of us should regularly evaluate our marriages. I feel like we're going to be answering the same questions over and over again here, so thought I would dig up some articles to refer people to so we can avoid being a broken record. It's been good to read the articles for my own sake. I don't ever want to grow apart from my husband.

[Jennarator]

Thanks. :) None of us are immune to temptation and all of us should regularly evaluate our marriages. I feel like we're going to be answering the same questions over and over again here, so thought I would dig up some articles to refer people to so we can avoid being a broken record. It's been good to read the articles for my own sake. I don't ever want to grow apart from my husband.

Me neither!!

[slamjet]

Me neither

Oh wait, what don't I want

[Jennarator]

Me neither

Oh wait, what don't I want

Your dessert.

[classylady]

Morningstar, I'm glad you mentioned the Ensign article "Fidelity in Marriage: It's more than you Think" Sept. 2009. This is such a great article! I remember after reading that article, that I then read it out loud to my husband. It's such a good reminder about setting boundaries with coworkers, friends, etc. Thanks for the great post!

[slamjet]

Your dessert.

OOoohhhh, you are so not nice sometimes

[MorningStar]

I think it's a great idea to have a canned response ready for awkward situations with co-workers. Something like, "Thanks for the invite to lunch, but my husband would have to kill you!" You don't want to offend the person by implying that something inappropriate would happen, but you really shouldn't put yourself in that position.

[MorningStar]

Your dessert.

Wait. What about dessert? What kind of dessert?!

[slamjet]

I think it's a great idea to have a canned response ready for awkward situations with co-workers. Something like, "Thanks for the invite to lunch, but my husband would have to kill you!" You don't want to offend the person by implying that something inappropriate would happen, but you really shouldn't put yourself in that position.

Funny, that reminded me of a time my former wife was being flirted on by a co-worker. She put my picture up and when he came in to flirt again, he looked at the picture and said "Whoa, I don't want to mess with that." And that ended it. When I went to visit about a month later, he was in the office. My then wife introduced me to him. His eyes were big! He excused himself and just about tripped over himself to get out of the front office. I was left wondering what was going on until she explained it to me.

He got married and is now a good family friend.

Boundaries. Even forced will work sometimes.

[slamjet]

Wait. What about dessert? What kind of dessert?!

I'm thinking the kind I cannot spiritually legally have. But then my mind is warped.

[Iggy]

I think it's a great idea to have a canned response ready for awkward situations with co-workers. Something like, "Thanks for the invite to lunch, but my husband would have to kill you!" You don't want to offend the person by implying that something inappropriate would happen, but you really shouldn't put yourself in that position.

Funny, that reminded me of a time my former wife was being flirted on by a co-worker. She put my picture up and when he came in to flirt again, he looked at the picture and said "Whoa, I don't want to mess with that." And that ended it. When I went to visit about a month later, he was in the office. My then wife introduced me to him. His eyes were big! He excused himself and just about tripped over himself to get out of the front office. I was left wondering what was going on until she explained it to me.

He got married and is now a good family friend.

Boundaries. Even forced will work sometimes.

I had a guy do that to me too, only he was persistent and just wouldn't take no for an answer. First time I politely refused, said I appreciated the offer, but I was happily married. Second time I politely said No. Third time, I said NO. Fourth time I sighed and said: Okay, fine, where do I meet you for dinner? He named a restaurant, I showed up with my husband. I found out he was married- so when the jerk asked me a fifth time I accepted and told him I was treating him to lunch. Then I invited his wife, her parents and my husband. He never asked me out again.

I always had customers asking me out - they knew I was married - didn't seem to bother them. What they didn't know was I knew they were married. Come on, the town only had a population of 850! I also countered with: Should I call "Mary" and set up a date and time with her, she will have to get a babysitter.

[Dravin]

Quoting Joseph from Genesis would make for a fairly dramatic line:

How then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?

[MorningStar]

Morningstar, I'm glad you mentioned the Ensign article "Fidelity in Marriage: It's more than you Think" Sept. 2009. This is such a great article! I remember after reading that article, that I then read it out loud to my husband. It's such a good reminder about setting boundaries with coworkers, friends, etc. Thanks for the great post!

I loved it! I'm going to read it with my husband. I was just thinking, sometimes I find myself telling my friends about my day and forget to tell my husband. No infidelity going on, but I should communicate with him more. Sometimes I just forget that I haven't told him something.

[MorningStar]

I had a guy do that to me too, only he was persistent and just wouldn't take no for an answer. First time I politely refused, said I appreciated the offer, but I was happily married. Second time I politely said No. Third time, I said NO. Fourth time I sighed and said: Okay, fine, where do I meet you for dinner? He named a restaurant, I showed up with my husband. I found out he was married- so when the jerk asked me a fifth time I accepted and told him I was treating him to lunch. Then I invited his wife, her parents and my husband. He never asked me out again.

I always had customers asking me out - they knew I was married - didn't seem to bother them. What they didn't know was I knew they were married. Come on, the town only had a population of 850! I also countered with: Should I call "Mary" and set up a date and time with her, she will have to get a babysitter.

He didn't like that?

[Jennarator]

Wait. What about dessert? What kind of dessert?!

Ice cream, and I have dibbs!

[Jennarator]

I know I was a few days late on that reply, but I have been busy, moving.

[slamjet]

I had a guy do that to me too, only he was persistent and just wouldn't take no for an answer. First time I politely refused, said I appreciated the offer, but I was happily married. Second time I politely said No. Third time, I said NO. Fourth time I sighed and said: Okay, fine, where do I meet you for dinner? He named a restaurant, I showed up with my husband. I found out he was married- so when the jerk asked me a fifth time I accepted and told him I was treating him to lunch. Then I invited his wife, her parents and my husband. He never asked me out again.

I always had customers asking me out - they knew I was married - didn't seem to bother them. What they didn't know was I knew they were married. Come on, the town only had a population of 850! I also countered with: Should I call "Mary" and set up a date and time with her, she will have to get a babysitter.

You are the BEST!!!

[slamjet]

I know I was a few days late on that reply, but I have been busy, moving.