How do I help my friend?

[Guest tbaird22]

My best friend of 17 years just decided/admitted that he was gay. However when he was telling me about his patriarchal blessing i distinctly remember that he would marry a daughter of God and his children would welcome back the savior. I suppose it means hes fallen away, but he wants to stay lds even though he's gay.

[Soulsearcher]

My best friend of 17 years just decided/admitted that he was gay. However when he was telling me about his patriarchal blessing i distinctly remember that he would marry a daughter of God and his children would welcome back the savior. I suppose it means hes fallen away, but he wants to stay lds even though he's gay.

One of the first places to start is ask what he wants to do, and what he expects from you as a friend. There are many gays in the church at different levels of openness and level of activity, being gay doesn't mean fallen away just by default. I was actually reading an article last night about a vast number of homosexuals who have started drawing a line between mormon and LDS. Mormon hold on to the culture and much of the belief system, while LDS is more associated with the church it's self. I know it sounds odd and i'd never heard of it last night but it seems to be getting more common as a way to keep cultural and some level of faith but avoid some of the other issues( and yes i am well aware it sounds like a cop out, and i don't truly understand it myself) Now back to your friend. If he wants to remain fully active then you have to be supportive and help him understand it means a life of being single. Just be there when the hard times hit and don't walk away, he may even stumble now and then, but you need to stand by him. There's a chance he's going to have people turn from him and walk away, so he'll need a good friend. Direct him to current church statements and talk to him about them, how he sees them, how he understands them. As for the marriage spoke of in the blessing, a reminder that not all things in patriarchal blessings come to pass in this life might be helpful. LDS theology says homosexuality will not remain after death so in the next life who knows what may be possible. Most importantly listen and be a friend. There might be times it's hard, but just think how much you value a good friend during hard times and be that friend back.

[NeuroTypical]

How do I help my friend?

Love him.

[Family_Man]

It doesn't mean a life of being single. Single people can still transgress sexually. It means a life of denying impulses his religion teaches are wrong. Lets say for instance he "stays single" but at the same time practice extra martial relations (gay or straight). In either case, he is guilty of grevios sins, and would be unable to fully participate in Church activities (temple, callings, sacrament).

As far as helping him, I would suggest you keep communication lines between you two open and friendly. Remember, you must love him, but that doesn't mean you must love his decision (OP posted he "decided/admitted" so i put decision. I realize the argument about choice is a hot topic).

[Soulsearcher]

It doesn't mean a life of being single. Single people can still transgress sexually. It means a life of denying impulses his religion teaches are wrong. Lets say for instance he "stays single" but at the same time practice extra martial relations (gay or straight). In either case, he is guilty of grevios sins, and would be unable to fully participate in Church activities (temple, callings, sacrament).

As far as helping him, I would suggest you keep communication lines between you two open and friendly. Remember, you must love him, but that doesn't mean you must love his decision (OP posted he "decided/admitted" so i put decision. I realize the argument about choice is a hot topic).

Staying single was meant to mean no relationships period. No love, no sex, nothing beyond friendship period.

[Family_Man]

Staying single was meant to mean no relationships period. No love, no sex, nothing beyond friendship period.

My mistake. I assumed you meant that there would be no offically recognized relationship within the church.

[Soulsearcher]

My mistake. I assumed you meant that there would be no offically recognized relationship within the church.

LOL nope, trust me i know church stance quite well

[jayanna]

Keep being his best friend. It's one thing to have those impulses, it is another to act on them. That is a hard road to travel, even harder if you have to go it alone. He is going to need his friends now more than ever.

[rameumptom]

Recent studies show that most homosexuals continue with those feelings throughout their lives. However, many can learn to also love someone of the opposite sex and have a fulfilling relationship with children. This is the direction that many LDS counselors are now going.

If the friend cannot learn to be lovingly attracted to a woman, he can continue as a faithful member of the Church as a single person. The Lord will give him all blessings in the next life as he continues faithful.

[Gwen]

be the friend you've always been. and yes sometimes it will be hard or even awkward. try to understand (usually means more listening than preaching) and remember understanding doesn't mean you agree with a choice he may make.

[Guest tbaird22]

Thanks guys. I was already planning on the whole communication and best friend thing, but i dont know if he's purely gay or has bisexual tendencies because he's dated and kissed girls and stuff. I mean he is a very strong church member and i used to rely on his testimony and my parents before getting my own so at this point im just going to be supportive.

[Soulsearcher]

Thanks guys. I was already planning on the whole communication and best friend thing, but i dont know if he's purely gay or has bisexual tendencies because he's dated and kissed girls and stuff. I mean he is a very strong church member and i used to rely on his testimony and my parents before getting my own so at this point im just going to be supportive.

This is why i suggested asking what he really wants and talk it all through with him. I dated girls, was engaged twice and all that wonderful stuff, but more cause i was trying to hide things and i finally got tired of it. As he figured things out someone to just listen and support exactly which direction he wants to go, while pointing out issues that he might not see is best.

[Soulsearcher]

Recent studies show that most homosexuals continue with those feelings throughout their lives. However, many can learn to also love someone of the opposite sex and have a fulfilling relationship with children. This is the direction that many LDS counselors are now going.

If the friend cannot learn to be lovingly attracted to a woman, he can continue as a faithful member of the Church as a single person. The Lord will give him all blessings in the next life as he continues faithful.

Just a reminder the many you are referring to is less than 10% of all who go through counseling and of those 10% many revert back to the previous attractions, if said person has married the marriage usually comes to an end at that point, leaving both parties damaged. The less than 10% figure applies not just to Evergreen but in general to all reparative therapy offerings, also it has been denounced by most of the medical community in general.

[Guest tbaird22]

I know that there are people who can love either sex and marry likewise, but i also know that many who think/discover they're gay dont believe they can love the opposite sex. I believe that isnt entirely true because i dont think many understand how powerful willpower alone is, not to mention throw a belief in God and the power of that comes through faith in the Savior, his atonement, his Father and even the priesthood. Though i suppose only time will tell for my best friend. Not that i care either way as long as he is happy. He could have been born that way, as the process of the development of our physical body is subject to corruption just as all things human are, for all i know-- meaning it could be classified as any other physical or mental mutation when it comes to the Gospel-- a weakness given to an individual that in turn could promote humility and faith in HF and JC.

[Soulsearcher]

I know that there are people who can love either sex and marry likewise, but i also know that many who think/discover they're gay dont believe they can love the opposite sex. I believe that isnt entirely true because i dont think many understand how powerful willpower alone is, not to mention throw a belief in God and the power of that comes through faith in the Savior, his atonement, his Father and even the priesthood. Though i suppose only time will tell for my best friend. Not that i care either way as long as he is happy. He could have been born that way, as the process of the development of our physical body is subject to corruption just as all things human are, for all i know-- meaning it could be classified as any other physical or mental mutation when it comes to the Gospel-- a weakness given to an individual that in turn could promote humility and faith in HF and JC.

Again you are right 8-10% of people who try to go from gay to being able to love and have attraction to the opposite sex succeed. That number is a combination approximation from all the EX gay ministries, mostly religious groups. the LDS group Evergreen shares the 8-10 percentage. These are people who want to change spending thousands of dollars for the therapy and having a strong faith in god. The only reason i focus on this is this might be a path he wants to try. Make sure he knows the numbers and the costs. On average the treatments go for years and cost around 10,000 for most of the cases i've heard about. I hope he does find happiness, though it might take a bit, i hope he finds it soon. Even with strong faith it can be hard accepting a life alone. Finding the strength to give up the chance of ever knowing even a loving embrace in exchange for your God is tough. I admire those who can do it and wish any one who tries all the best and the smoothest path possible.