I think I hate my husband

[Guest mormonmusic]

I didn't read all of this, but if you look at your situation through the lends of the Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice site, the problem appears to be your husband's preference for angry outbursts as a conflict resolution technique. That saps love from the marriage, and that's why you think you "hate" him now. I'm sure there is more to it than this, but counseling which teaches him how to solve problems in a positive way sounds like it would go a long way to helping your relationship improve.

[hbgb]

I have been dealing with this same issue for years and have just gotten to the point where I can't take it any more. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and have 4 children. He is a convert and I was inactive. I got pregnant and just figured that I had to marry him. I loved him at first but because of so many issues building up for so many years, I ended up cheating on him in the hopes that he would find out and want a divorce. Yes, I know, it's stupid and I pay for that mistake every day of my life. I regret it and hate that I have hurt him.

I have since reconciled the situation but still cannot stand to be around him most of the time. I'm tired of being the one who puts all the effort into everything. He also has a terrible temper and has treated me and the kids terribly for years. He does everything halfway, including his callings in the church and his duty as the patriarch of our family, but what is the worst is that he gives me grief about the way I want to have FHE and family scripture study.

How do you accept the fact that you will be with this person for eternity when you can barely make it through the weekend?

[hbgb]

That's how I feel. I don't want to waste any more time or energy on our marriage. I have hurt too long and have been damaged so much that I just don't have it in me to try any more. I have turned my energies to becoming self-sufficient and getting to the point where I can financially, emotionally, and spiritually support my kids because I know he will never step up...after 14 years...still waiting

[Gramajane]

Well, it may or may not be a comfort to you,

but as it seems from what you say,

that your marriage is not on a celestial level here on earth?

(truly working daily to progress to become more Christlike etc)

---- since that same spirit and follow through, will be your norm after this life

and it seems the teachings of the gospel have not seemed to reach deep enough into your hearts,

(does "reconciled" mean- not fully repented of by confession to God, husband and bishop?)

--- then I rather doubt you have an eternal marriage, though you may have had a temple wedding.

We can not force others to change- we can only (with Gods help) work to improve ourselves. God bless you!

[hbgb]

Thank you for your response and I definitely agree with you. I believe that I have seriously tried to have that Christlike attitude towards him and our marriage. I pray every day that I can do what it takes to make it another day with him and learn to love him the way I should. My reconciled does mean that I have gone to the bishop, told my husband and have obtained good standing in the church.

I feel like I am held back by him and his attitude. I don't like the person that I have become because of the hurt that he has caused me. I don't understand why he has to put so little effort into everything or why he can't try just a little bit harder and do at least some things that I have honestly expressed are important to me.

I want to have a celestial marriage here on earth and I want to be like Christ but I feel like no matter what I do, I'm being held back by this feeling that I have for him and I have tried...I've tried more than I can explain.

[annewandering]

Just a sec. The OP did not take on an abusive relationship knowing what she was getting into. Her spouse is hardly trying to improve his actions. In fact he seems to be getting worse.

Anatess, your relationship concerning your anger issues is something you are WORKING on. You are doing all you can to control your anger and become a better person, wife and mother.

These two situations are not comparable.

The OP has tried to get the spouse to work with her on improving the marriage relationship. He just gets angry. If that doesnt change very soon then yes she needs to get out.

[NadiaStar]

You cannot be in an abusive relationship and figure you aren't "working hard enough" to improve the abusive partner.

[NadiaStar]

That's how I feel. I don't want to waste any more time or energy on our marriage. I have hurt too long and have been damaged so much that I just don't have it in me to try any more. I have turned my energies to becoming self-sufficient and getting to the point where I can financially, emotionally, and spiritually support my kids because I know he will never step up...after 14 years...still waiting

This is exactly what you should be doing!

[Guest]

Just a sec. The OP did not take on an abusive relationship knowing what she was getting into. Her spouse is hardly trying to improve his actions. In fact he seems to be getting worse.

Anatess, your relationship concerning your anger issues is something you are WORKING on. You are doing all you can to control your anger and become a better person, wife and mother.

These two situations are not comparable.

The OP has tried to get the spouse to work with her on improving the marriage relationship. He just gets angry. If that doesnt change very soon then yes she needs to get out.

Well, see, that's the thing... we don't really know her situation. We just know what we interpret from what she says.

People who are not intentionally abusive but end up being so usually don't know they are abusive. They can't see it. So, if the communication between spouses is broken, then the abusive husband may not be getting the proper feedback from the wife and may just dismiss her complaints as "her fault" instead of his. We can't really know this - only the spouses can know this. Just because he gets angry doesn't mean he's not "working on it". Anger may be his way of "working on it" because he doesn't know any better. This will not change until the husband realizes there's a better way to express himself... and that cannot happen if you leave the husband to his own struggles. He needs help, whether he realizes it or not. So saying, "if that doesn't change very soon... " may very well be just throwing the towel now. Because, unless the proper tools are put in place to give the spouses the means to change, it's not gonna happen no matter how hard both of them try.

That's why I presented my case - to give the OP a different perspective.

[Guest DeborahC]

I'm thinking and thinking about this...

So, I'm thinking about this and I wonder - if my husband was an abusive person, would he have been able to hide it from me in those 2 years? I don't think he can.

Oh yes he could!

It is a pretty common thing for an abusive man to be wonderfully romantic, kind, and loving UNTIL he gets you caught in his web! Then his verbal or physical abuse beats you down, down, down until you can't make a simple decision without his input. When he begins getting upset because you're talking to your Bishop... remember you are a grown woman and are perfectly capable of making good decisions, which you did when you spoke with the Bishop.

It is NOT your job to make your spouse into a loving person.

It's not YOUR job to get him into counseling.. it's his.. and if he's not adult enough to want to change, then why are you still there?

He either is or is not.

It's your job to be a kind, considerate wife, but if he makes life hell, I don't feel there's any pressure on you to put up with it. You desert a good loving husband.

Been there, done that.

Because she so desperately wants to believe him, the abused wife often returns, and returns, and returns, after each abusive episode because he promises things will be better and brings flowers, kisses, and love.. then she goes back and it all starts over again until one day, he maims or kills her or her children.

Happens ALL the time. Read any story written by an abused wife and the first thing she'll tell you is how wonderful he was in the beginning.

I suggest you call a hotline for abused spouses and let THEM find you a counselor who is familiar with this type of relationship.

I'm not saying it can't be saved, but in the end, you have to protect your own life.

There is no way I'd stay with someone who treated me so horribly...

life is just too short!

If I lived next door, I'd be helping you pack your bags...

[Timpman]

I would bet he views pornography. 90% chance. That's usually where the "cold shoulder" comes from.

[MarginOfError]

I would bet he views pornography. 90% chance. That's usually where the "cold shoulder" comes from.

I don't think that's true as often as you might think. In, I would wager that the majority of relationships in which a partner views pornography are perfectly functional. Even in cases where one partner is addicted to pornography, it isn't uncommon for the spouses to enjoy an active physical life.

The kind of "cold shoulder" that was referred to isn't indicative of a pornography problem; it's indicative of an attitude problem. Even when a spouse is giving the cold shoulder sexually, it's cause will more often be non-pornography related than it is pornography related.

[Timpman]

I would wager that the majority of relationships in which a partner views pornography are perfectly functional. Even in cases where one partner is addicted to pornography, it isn't uncommon for the spouses to enjoy an active physical life.

I call rubbish on that :). Prophets have told us over and over and over again that pornography DESTROYS lives. Your view on this is way too peachy.

My wife hangs out on some other forum. She reads threads about a husband who is distant, cold, mean, a jerk, etc. My wife suggests that he may be viewing pornography. She often gets flack for it. People say "Oh, come on. It's not porn. Bla bla bla." So my wife convinces the wife to check his computer and she finds pornography. It has happened many times. This cold-shoulder thing is a classic symptom.

[BenRaines]

Just wondering out loud but how many times a cold shoulder from a wife drives a man to pornography? Not defending it but there are two sides to each situation.

Ben Raines

[MarginOfError]

I call rubbish on that :). Prophets have told us over and over and over again that pornography DESTROYS lives. Your view on this is way too peachy.

My wife hangs out on some other forum. She reads threads about a husband who is distant, cold, mean, a jerk, etc. My wife suggests that he may be viewing pornography. She often gets flack for it. People say "Oh, come on. It's not porn. Bla bla bla." So my wife convinces the wife to check his computer and she finds pornography. It has happened many times. This cold-shoulder thing is a classic symptom.

Actually, what you have is a classic case of selection bias. You've noticed a trend of distant husbands who view pornography. But how many computers have you checked from the non-distant husband group?

Remember, more than 80% of American men view pornography on a regular basis. Is your claim that 80% of American husbands are cold and distant?

[MarginOfError]

Just wondering out loud but how many times a cold shoulder from a wife drives a man to pornography? Not defending it but there are two sides to each situation.

Ben Raines

I actually suspect this has very little to do with it, but is just the excuse used to beat back the cognitive dissonance.

[Timpman]

Remember, more than 80% of American men view pornography on a regular basis. Is your claim that 80% of American husbands are cold and distant?

No. MANY of those 80% are not married. Also, the type of porn and the duration make a difference. Whatevs. I don't care to argue about this. I still say the OP should check the computer, though.

[guast]

I don't think that's true as often as you might think. In, I would wager that the majority of relationships in which a partner views pornography are perfectly functional. Even in cases where one partner is addicted to pornography, it isn't uncommon for the spouses to enjoy an active physical life.

The kind of "cold shoulder" that was referred to isn't indicative of a pornography problem; it's indicative of an attitude problem. Even when a spouse is giving the cold shoulder sexually, it's cause will more often be non-pornography related than it is pornography related.

I agree with you that a cold shoulder could be any number of things and doesn't inherently mean pornography (though it could).

I'm intrigued by your comment that the majority of relationships in which one person views pornography or is addicted to pornography are "perfectly functional" primarily because your word choices. I'm not really sure what you mean. I know a guy who is a raging alcoholic and shows up to work everyday and is able to functionally continue to work and do his job. I would label him a perfectly functional alcoholic who is a very unhappy person. If that is what you are getting at by saying perfectly functional then I agree with you -- but there is much that someone can't do without being "perfectly functional."

If you are suggesting that pornography use or heavy pornography use doesn't have an effect on a relationship and that couples can have just as happy of a relationship while one engages in that I'm going to have to call malarkey. MALARKEY! Because that's just absurd. Forget the gospel for a second - take a look at the NUMEROUS studies on the effects of pornography on an individual and his or her relationships. Sure, even addicts can maintain relationships and sexual lives but to say that the pornography doesn't have a negative and more often than not immensely negative effect on a relationship is just inconsistent with the studies on it.

Edited April 6, 2012 by guast

[guast]

Just wondering out loud but how many times a cold shoulder from a wife drives a man to pornography? Not defending it but there are two sides to each situation.

Ben Raines

Eh? I just saw a guy go to prison for the rest of his life and when he was sentenced he said that he hadn't had enough money for rent and if the government had just paid his rent he wouldn't have had to shoot and kill a complete stranger in a robbery-gone-bad. That was the "other side" of that story.

Cold shoulder ain't cool but blaming someone else for one's own sins is just weak. No cold shoulder takes away a person's ability to chose whether to view pornography. My take on it is that when it comes to our own choices there is one story: we are responsible for and have to own the choices we make NO MATTER what circumstances we are in. I'm not aware of any gospel principal that consists of "thou shalt or thou shalt not unless you're having a crappy go at things and then you're not as responsible for your choices.

Edited April 6, 2012 by guast

[Tyler90AZ]

Not saying anything about previous posters but the abusive line can be stretched a long ways. If somebody gets divorced what do you expect them to say? Oh my husband is the perfect man, I think not! They will most likely come up with any excuse to justify a divorce to those around them. It seems especially in this church when people are overly sensitive about their image it is worse. Everyone just remember there are two sides to every story.

[marie007]

I see alot of responses which say, How can you go from Love to Hate in 4 years, or what is it that you loved about him in the first place...............

These are common questions LDS members ask, like they have a clue about what's going on in another person's home. I have been in a loveless marriage for 24 years and I've heard it all.

When you get married and one person is constantly doing all the work, and another person is cold, distant, emotionally removed... it is a difficult place to be. And know amount of "so...what made you love that person to begin with is going to replace the hell, the person is currently living in."

I haven't left because I too have a temple marriage. But there isn't day that goes by that I wish I was dead, just so I don't have to carry the "divorce" stigma, or deal with the trials that come from being divorced. Sometimes I pray for it at night. It's a lonely place to be, and members can be so judgmental and cruel.

[Guest]

Oh yes he could!

It is a pretty common thing for an abusive man to be wonderfully romantic, kind, and loving UNTIL he gets you caught in his web! Then his verbal or physical abuse beats you down, down, down until you can't make a simple decision without his input. When he begins getting upset because you're talking to your Bishop... remember you are a grown woman and are perfectly capable of making good decisions, which you did when you spoke with the Bishop.

I still don't think he can. You're talking about "dating" for 2 years... where a guy puts on his best outfit along with his best behavior and pretends he's somebody else for the 2-4 hours you're on the date. It's a "process of casting the net".

We didn't date for 2 years. My husband was in my circle of friends. We didn't go on our first "date" until about 3 weeks before we got married. By then, I've wiped snot off his face numerous times when he got so sick he can barely get out of bed to stop from retching on his pillows (what is it with guys and sickness - they're babies when they get sick!). Made the tough decision of dragging one of our drunk-as-a-skunk friends to jail after he ran out of a dui hit-and-run. Comforted one of our friends who was a refugee of the Bosnian military and was one of two in his troop to survive a landmine blast - we were in the hospital with him when the other survivor's legs got cut off. That was a terrible time. Gosh, both Bosnian guys were only 19 years old full of shrapnel scars old and new - they've been in the Bosnian military since they were 16! My husband was 20 then, only a few months older than those guys. It affected him quite deeply.

What else... gave him a spot on my couch after his room-mate took off with the rent. He was a struggling runway model on a "feast or famine" income. Watched him train his 2 male un-neutered doberman dogs - quite amazing dogs they were and a great example of my husband's natural leadership skills in action. Spent some time with his family and saw how he treated his mother and how his family treated each other. Got invited to Thanksgiving dinner where his mother put a roll of toilet paper on the table because she forgot to buy napkins and my husband turned red in embarrassment. He was inactive LDS, I was Catholic, he drank alcohol (even underage, yep!) and smoked until he decided to ask me to marry him (a few weeks before he asked me out on a date) and he just stopped cold-turkey. Just like that. No nicotine patches, gum, what-have-you. One day he was smoking, the next day he wasn't. Saw his "mind-over-matter" and decisive control in action. For our first "date" he took me to Church. That was his first day back to Church since being inactive. But, I already knew God is important to him. He was just in a phase where he doubted the religion he was in. And I also knew, he thinks that the Catholic church is not "it" either. I was okay with that. I learned then about his strong sense of purpose - that marriage is a covenant not only between us but also between us and God, so that before he can ask me to marry him, he has to first go back to God. And that divorce is not an option. No what-if's about it. Which is awesome because I believe the exact same thing.

No. There's no way he can. He wasn't out to get me on his web. We were friends drifting along for 2 years side by side trying to survive the challenges of this thing called Life.

Edited April 12, 2012 by anatess

[guast]

anatess -

It's great that you haven't had to experience what the OP has experienced and that you've been able to escape some of the struggles that others have had to go through. Consider yourself fortunate and don't take that for granted.

BUT - because you haven't struggled with the things others have gone through doesn't make another person's struggle any less real or any less difficult. And to be blunt, saying "I don't get it" or "it doesn't make sense to me" or "I've never had to go through that" isn't offering another perspective. It's simply myopic and incredibly insensitive. Doing that is no different to saying to someone who has struggled with lifelong weight-loss issues that they should just lose weight and you don't get why it's a big deal because you've never struggled with weight gain. It's insensitive and just makes the person feel worse. If you don't understand a struggle another person is going through, try. But even if you can't, don't minimize or dismiss someone's struggle simply because you don't get it.

[Guest]

anatess -

I'm glad that you haven't had to experience what the OP has experienced and that you've been able to escape some of the struggles that others have had to go through. Consider yourself fortunate and don't take that for granted.

BUT - simply because you haven't struggled with the things others have gone through doesn't make another person's struggle any less real or any less difficult. And to be blunt, saying "I don't get it" or "it doesn't make sense to me" or "I've never had to go through that" isn't offering another perspective. It's simply myopic and incredibly insensitive. Doing that is no different to saying to someone who has struggled with lifelong weight-loss issues that they should just lose weight and you don't get why it's a big deal because you've never struggled with weight gain. It's insensitive and just makes the person feel worse. If you don't understand a struggle another person is going through, try. But don't minimize or dismiss someone's struggle simply because you don't get it.

Guast... you're mixing posts. If you read all my post on this thread, my "other perspective" is my struggles with anger management (yes, unmedicated manic depressive here) that my husband had to go through with me. I was trying to present that just because I struggle with anger and sometimes get abusive with it when it goes beyond my control (that the OP presented her husband also does) it doesn't mean that I am not working towards a good marriage.

The "I don't see it" is my introspection of the way my husband and I chose our spouses and how it could lead to us not knowing if our intended spouses are abusive without us knowing about it until after the marriage. My husband is not abusive. I knew that going into marriage so I couldn't imagine being blindsided by abusive behavior if he turned out to be one. I am abusive (anger management issues) but my husband knew that going into marriage so he knew exactly what he was taking on. With this in mind, we got married with a promise that Divorce Is Not An Option. No what-if's about it, abuse or otherwise.

I, in no way, minimized nor dismissed anybody's struggles, not only the OP's but also JudoMinja's and Bini's struggles with abusive spouses that led to their respective divorces. Make sense?

Edited April 12, 2012 by anatess

[guast]

Guast... you're mixing posts. If you read all my post on this thread, my "other perspective" is my struggles with anger management (yes, unmedicated manic depressive here) that my husband had to go through with me. I was trying to present that just because I struggle with anger and sometimes get abusive with it when it goes beyond my control (that the OP presented her husband also does) it doesn't mean that I am not working towards a good marriage.

The "I don't see it" is my introspection of the way my husband and I chose our spouses and how it could lead to us not knowing if our intended spouses are abusive without us knowing about it until after the marriage. My husband is not abusive. I knew that going into marriage so I couldn't imagine being blindsided by abusive behavior if he turned out to be one. I am abusive (anger management issues) but my husband knew that going into marriage so he knew exactly what he was taking on. With this in mind, we got married with a promise that Divorce Is Not An Option. No what-if's about it, abuse or otherwise.

I, in no way, minimized nor dismissed anybody's struggles, not only the OP's but also JudoMinja's and Bini's struggles with abusive spouses that led to their respective divorces. Make sense?

I've read all of your posts in this thread a couple times over because I wanted to make sure my response was appropriate and taking into account all of your posts. Problems with temper may result in emotional abuse but it not in itself abuse. I don't know if you are emotional abusive and your posts don't provide enough to indicate whether you are or not but a person can have a temper problem and not be abusive.

The "I don't see it" is minimization and/or dismissal. Whether intended or not it comes across as "I don't really believe that struggle is real" because you are essentially saying, I don't understand how that could be possible. Not everybody has a marriage with two people working towards a better marriage and if one person in non-participating then that creates an extremely painful and difficult situation for the one who is committed. And comments discussing how you don't get it because you and your husband work things out are neither comforting nor helpful. If you don't understand because you haven't been through it then offer your sympathies, try to offer support, whatever - but don't get into the "I don't get it" commentary.

Someone else posted a comment earlier that she has since removed that discussed how she was in the same situation as the OP and how these kinds of comments were incredibly hurtful to her. I have absolutely no doubt that you are making these comments with the best of intentions and don't realize how hurtful this comments are... so here's my different perspective for you: they are.

I used an example pertaining to weight loss earlier. Let me frame it another way - if a person finds himself lost, in need of direction and asks you for help then both of these responses are inappropriate and insensitive: 1) why did you get lost? and 2) I don't understand how you could have gotten lost because I've never been lost. And when someone finds herself struggling with a situation in her life, whether brought on by choices she has made or completely unrelated to choices she has made (and it doesn't matter which one it is), the inappropriateness and insensitivity of those questions is no less.

One thing I've figured out is that it was easy for me to be skeptical of another person's struggle from the outside but when I found myself going through it myself and discovering the depths and darkness of the struggle I found myself much more sympathetic to how difficult a struggle can be. Hopefully you will never have to experience the struggles others have had in their relationships in order to learn how painful and lonely they can be. But even if you are that fortunate you still chose to be sympathetic and try to be understanding rather than calling struggles you haven't had to face into question.