need direction

[rollinblue]

I'm 31 and I have been married for 11 years. But my mariage hasn't always b.en the best. like the first seven years or so. I would say that since the downturn of the market that we have actually become stronger. I would like to become temple worthy again because of some issues that arose five or six years ago but I worry that in talking to the bishop about my issues he will want me to tell her my issues. I kow her well enough to know that the mariage will end if I did so. I have three beautiful daughters and It would destroy me to not raise them in a lobving home with loving parents. Our Mariage is great now but I know my issues would take that away. Any way that is why I am hear because I really am not sure what to do. Any help would be great thanks for your time.

[JudoMinja]

If the "issues" you speak of have a direct spiritual effect on your wife, then yes you will be asked to confess them to her. Your bishop should not force the matter though. Repentance is a process- a slow changing of heart to become right with God (and those we have harmed). If you are not ready for the confessing part of the process, your bishop will not "make" you confess. Just remember that confession is a necessary part of repentance and you will not be complete without it.

Now if your wife figures out what is going on before you are ready to confess... that's a different matter. Eventually, she will find out. There is no keeping secrets from your spouse forever. Seeing your bishop will give you the opportunity to start getting your heart in the right place so that you will be ready to confess, no matter how your wife reacts.

[estradling75]

Rollinblue,

You planted a bomb in your marriage, it is ticking away. You might think you can avoid it, hide from it, delay it, and maybe you can, for awhile. But it is going to be ever present weight in your mind, the knowing, the guilt. And the longer it goes the more you are going to have to lie to keep it hidden.

Go to your bishop, follow his counsel, and do your best to hold your marriage together through the fall out. Its not easy, but it is the best way.

The other option is to try to hide it, and let it eat away at your faith, testimony, and sense of self worth. You might be able to hold it together for the few years of mortality but you pretty much guarantee that you will be cut off in the eternities. That assumes it doesn't come out in some other disastrous way before then.

[Gwen]

The bishop might encourage you to talk to your wife but he should not go without your consent and tell her anything* yall talk about. You do have the right to confidentiality. If you want to start the repentance process without telling your wife you should have that right.

*this excludes confessions that put her in physical danger.

Depending on what exactly you did personally I might say you don't need to tell her. Every couple is different in what they do and don't want to know. If during a very hard time my husband got caught up in masturbation and lust for a coworker (but never acted on it and the feeling is totally gone now) I don't want to know. It won't help our marriage for me to know. If he actually had an affair I want to know.

[grantstine]

Talk to the bishop and recieve counsel. Jesus Christ suffered for us, take advantage. Repent. The truth shall set you free.

Edited May 6, 2011 by grantstine

[reader6213]

The same thing happened in my marriage, but I'm the spouse who was kept in the dark. My husband continued to act out because he figured, "I'm going to hell anyway. I can never tell my wife because she'd leave me for sure. My kids deserve to have a father." As a result he was "with" several other women over the course of four years. I had NO CLUE, so it is possible that your wife may never find out. I ended up finding out completely by accident, one of "the other's" info had not been deleted from his phone. IT ROCKED MY WORLD. I did end up leaving him temporarily. (4 month separation)

He quickly decided having his family back was more important than continuing in his addiction. It sounds to me like you are in this boat too~ you love your family and wife. I'm not going to lie to you and say that things are "hunky- dory" now, but thanks to some great counseling, we are putting our lives back together. I love him now more than ever, because he's done a 180. (I think subconsciously, because he figured he was on the fast-track to hell, he just stopped trying. He didn't want to spend quality time with us, had a short temper, screamed and yelled at us all the time.) He's finally back to the man I married 15 years ago.

I am in an excellent place spiritually thanks to my "new" understanding of the Atonement, and what my Savior suffered for me and all of us. This is what pulled me through, and it can pull your wife through too.

Counseling is a must though for both of you. There are so many people that are keeping secrets from their "Forever Friend". This life is the time to get it out. This is the "test phase".

Just speaking for myself here, but I'd be a lot more devastated when, in the after-life, I go with my Hubby to watch "his life movie" in front of all our family and friends, and all his lies and deceit pop up on the screen.~~ Just something to think about.

Best of luck, I'll be praying for you both.

Edited May 15, 2011 by reader6213