Hospitality

[curiousheathen]

So I had an interesting experience last night, and thought I would address it with you guys to see if this a Mormon-general-thing or a regional/cultural thing.

My religion has what we call the 9 Noble Virtues. One of these virtues is hospitality. My fiance and I strive to be the best hosts we can. We welcome each guest, immediately ask them to sit, see if they need a drink or something to eat and engage them in conversation and to see how they've been doing. I am told so often that my small home makes everyone feel welcome, that it is always bright, cheerful, just home-y I guess, and that they never feel crowded. We are religiously and culturally motivated to show our appreciation for our guests by being the most gracious hosts we can. We have only a few rules for guests: don't take the last of something without asking, but everything else is fair game, and don't slam doors. Both of our families have always been hospitable.

So last night an old friend (acquaintance really) who I've stayed in contact with since high school and visited off and on over the years sent me and email telling me she was worried she'd offended me and all sorts of things since I never visited or accepted invitations anymore. I emailed her back letting her know that reason for my declines were largely that she continually invited my ex boyfriend (and I would view putting my fiance and an ex who asked me to marry him in the same room would be totally rude and cruel), and that I'm just really busy. So we make plans to visit last night.

This is where the hospitality question comes in: not once did she ask if we wanted a drink or a place to sit. Not once did she ask how our lives had been going. She didn't walk us to the door when we left, nothing. It felt very awkward (which it never has before) and crowded. Her house had no pictures or decor of any kind except for one portrait of Jesus (the one that a lot of LDS families seem to hang on the wall). Now in my experience, most people in this area follow basic rules of hospitality. You make sure your guests are comfortable, make sure they don't need anything, etc. We felt that they were rather poor hosts, and they didn't even respond when we thanked them for a great evening. This has happened when I've visited other strong LDS homes (though I've visited some that were warm and welcoming too, so I don't mean to sound as if I'm bashing you guys or anything, that's definitely not my intent!).

What are the Mormon views on hospitality? Is it religiously encouraged or one of those depends-on-the-area things?

[KrazyKay]

I think it depends a lot on the area as well as how the individuals were raised. I was raised to always invite guests to sit down, offer a drink (usually water, sprite, A&W Rootbeer, milk, and koolaid are things we usually have on hand), and engage in small talk. Afterwards, always say thank you for visiting and walk the guests to the door.

I live in SE Texas... some people's homes I visit do that when I visit, and others do more like your friend did.

You might feel my house is crowded just because we have so much stuff. I've been slowly working on getting rid of stuff - which has been hard. Not to mention we also have 4 cats and 2 dogs that are ours, and 3 puppies we are trying to find homes for, lol.

[HiJolly]

Hospitality is not a core teaching of the Church, other than as an aspect of "loving our neighbors". Indeed, in the New Testament of the Bible Martha, a very careful hostess, was not valued more than her devotional sister, quite the contrary.

HiJolly

[LDSJewess]

My home has a pretty open door policy with friends and those that I am close witth and that visit often are comfortable just coming in and sitting whereever they choose and help themselves to the fridge.

If it a more formal get together with friends that are not as close or more of friendly acquaintences, then I offer them a place to sit and offer a choice of drinks available which for us is primarily sugur free lemonaide, juices and iced herbal teas. And Ill put out a plate of fruits or veggies or nut breads etc.

Just my opinio but I find if we get too fussy on the ediquette, it compromises the comfortable atmosphere and free flow of conversation.

I do agree with the poster above that Hospitality per se is not one of the core chuch teachings.

A quick side note about inviting an ex when the other ex or their significant other is also invited; that should only be considered if all parties are consulted ahead of time and it is in the comfort zone of all concerned. I know a lot of people that would be fine with that (including my husband and I), but that is not the case with everyone. Always good to ask first.

[mightynancy]

I imagine it's an individual thing.

I grew up LDS. I don't especially love having people over (introvert), but when I do I am hospitable, doing all I can to help my guests feel welcome and comfortable. I don't have any religious art (not my style).

[pam]

It's not a Mormon versus other thing. Perhaps she hasn't entertained much and doesn't know any better. Perhaps it was her way of saying.."Okay you're here now it's time to leave." :)

I've been in homes of both Mormons and non Mormons and I've seen both ends of the spectrum whether LDS or not.

[jayanna]

Well, there aren't any classes on 'how to be a good host' or anything. Some people don't have a checklist of good hosting, some do. While I do a lot of things for my guests (drinks, etc) I don't expect it when I go to others homes, nor do I feel offended if they don't do the same. I'm there to see them, not to be entertained. If I'm thirsty, I say, "Do you have some water?"

In my husband's family they bring their own drinks to functions, and it's considered rude to expect them to furnish you one.

My close friends, and there are very few, can come in and serve themselves...from getting their own drinks to fixing themselves a sandwich, or some popcorn!

[Guest xforeverxmetalx]

On whether it's an LDS thing or not, I pretty much agree with the others that it's not a specific teaching besides to be kind and loving in general.

But I wanted to add that not only does the type of occasion (casual versus more formal) matter in determining how to treat guests, but the guests themselves. Some (like me) would feel more awkward or pressured if someone asked me to sit or if I wanted a drink - I would prefer someone telling me to feel free to grab something if I wanted it, or a more casual way of offering a drink, such as going to the fridge and saying "I'm getting a Sprite, want one? We've got <insert names of other drinks> too".

I might just be weird, but I think it's more important to try and figure out what makes each particular guest feel most comfortable and welcome, rather than acting the same towards everyone.

[curiousheathen]

Thanks for the replies guys.

[Blackmarch]

So I had an interesting experience last night, and thought I would address it with you guys to see if this a Mormon-general-thing or a regional/cultural thing.

My religion has what we call the 9 Noble Virtues. One of these virtues is hospitality. My fiance and I strive to be the best hosts we can. We welcome each guest, immediately ask them to sit, see if they need a drink or something to eat and engage them in conversation and to see how they've been doing. I am told so often that my small home makes everyone feel welcome, that it is always bright, cheerful, just home-y I guess, and that they never feel crowded. We are religiously and culturally motivated to show our appreciation for our guests by being the most gracious hosts we can. We have only a few rules for guests: don't take the last of something without asking, but everything else is fair game, and don't slam doors. Both of our families have always been hospitable.

So last night an old friend (acquaintance really) who I've stayed in contact with since high school and visited off and on over the years sent me and email telling me she was worried she'd offended me and all sorts of things since I never visited or accepted invitations anymore. I emailed her back letting her know that reason for my declines were largely that she continually invited my ex boyfriend (and I would view putting my fiance and an ex who asked me to marry him in the same room would be totally rude and cruel), and that I'm just really busy. So we make plans to visit last night.

This is where the hospitality question comes in: not once did she ask if we wanted a drink or a place to sit. Not once did she ask how our lives had been going. She didn't walk us to the door when we left, nothing. It felt very awkward (which it never has before) and crowded. Her house had no pictures or decor of any kind except for one portrait of Jesus (the one that a lot of LDS families seem to hang on the wall). Now in my experience, most people in this area follow basic rules of hospitality. You make sure your guests are comfortable, make sure they don't need anything, etc. We felt that they were rather poor hosts, and they didn't even respond when we thanked them for a great evening. This has happened when I've visited other strong LDS homes (though I've visited some that were warm and welcoming too, so I don't mean to sound as if I'm bashing you guys or anything, that's definitely not my intent!).

What are the Mormon views on hospitality? Is it religiously encouraged or one of those depends-on-the-area things?

we are highly encouraged to be open, kind, and loving... how we go about doing that is up to us, and a lot of the time the small details like proper etiquette probably depend more on local culture and/or family upbringing........

That being said our leaders have been trying to pound into our heads for a long time that we need to do much more along those lines as a whole (being more loving, humble, outgoing and open to our neighbors, things like that).

In the case you said- I find its really strange that the person went tthrough all that trouble to get you to visit and then not do things like that... ya it'd be awkward and a little weird for me too.

Generally for me i've come across a couple forms that seem to be followed - that either the ones in charge of the residence will interact with you and help you feel at home, o r you get invited in offered a seat and then whoevers in charge goes and gets whoever you have business with and then leave so both of you have some relative privacy/personal room to do business, and it will be up to the person you're with to see to guest treatment. (usually in my case its Hiya, come in and have a seat, how you doin?... get down to business.. then "thanks, and have a good day" or "take care". Generally fairly quick and down to the point)