Eternal Perspective On Marriage

[brokendoll]

I recently attended a Strengthening Marriage class presented by a BYU professor and author. He really put eternal marriage into perspective for me. He said that before we came to this earth we spent eons of time preparing for this life. Our Heavenly Father and Mother created us with the express purpose of sending us here to attain our second estate. The two most important tasks that we must accomplish here are first, the covenant of salvation, namely baptism and second, temple marriage, the covenant of exaltation. Those who do not keep their second estate will not have the privilege of eternal increase. The only beings who will be sexual in the world to come are celestial beings who are married and who have been true to their covenants. If people truly understood this doctrine, there would be no divorce. Temple marriage is the number one important thing for us to accomplish here! The rest of our eternity depends on it!

I knew this. We all know this. But still I have made poor decisions throughout my life. My parents divorced when I was five. My mother dragged me through many of her relationships with different men and a marriage to a child molester. When the child molester kicked her out, we moved far away and found the church. I grew up alone mostly, taking care of my half sister. It was a lonely childhood, but I did have the church after a time. I had my first child out of wedlock with a man (returned missionary) that I didn't love. He said he loved me. I felt unattractive and rejected having reached the age of 25 with no suitors to speak of. I was graduating from BYU and I guess I was desperate and full of pent up frustration and lust. It started out with my just wanting someone to go out with and then someone to make out with. I was just using him. I didn't understand how relationships were supposed to be. I didn't understand my personal worth or how to act with others, especially men. I ended up marrying him in the temple a year later when our son was three months old. But I didn't love him. I guess I was trying to make things right even though I didn't like him as a person. I was too weak to give my son up for adoption. That is what I should have done.

It took five years and two more children to realize that I was growing to hate my husband. Why did I have more kids with him? I was still a mess then. I wasn't thinking of them or him, just myself. I had always wanted kids and even though I couldn't stand him, I truly fell in love with our children. But I see now that it was pure selfishness. I developed a crush on some other guy and divorced my husband. I didn't get with the other guy. But once that was over I didn't want to go back to my husband.

A few years later I met someone else, a non-member someone else. This time I was completely in love with him and we got along great. I ignored a lot of things that are causing me grief now. His belief system and his family traditions were totally the opposite of what I really wanted. But, following this pattern of not so great decisions, I married him anyway. He actually ended up getting baptized and I thought we were on our way to hopefully going to the temple together. However, we went through all the steps and the answer never came. Now we have three children. My older children live with my mother in another state because they wanted to go to college there.

My second husband got baptized and seemed to be progressing in the Gospel. He was called as the Ward Clerk. However, it was a struggling ward. There were few strong members and these few had to pull the weight of the whole ward. My husband got to see the difficulties that are inherent in such a challenge. He became disillusioned with the church. He started reading anti-Mormon literature. In short, I don't think he ever really had a testimony. I suppose you might think that I never had a testimony either, judging from my long history of bad behavior. But I do know the Church is true. There is obviously a disconnect between what I profess and what I do.

The consequences of my actions have fully come to bear upon me at this point in my life. My older kids have left the church. My younger children have a greater affinity for my husband's way of doing things, since he really is much more patient and kind to them than I am. That is not to say that I am horrible to them. I am not. I love them dearly and they love me, too. He just has a gentle way with them that is so convincing. That is a big part of why I love him. He is very good at building good relationships in our family. I really have a lot to learn from him.

But I feel a little hopeless. I want to figure out why I go to church and say I believe in all of this yet I have not made the right decisions to ensure my keeping of my second estate. They say that Christ's Atonement can heal any wrong. I believe it is so, but how in the world can I repent of all this stuff? I can't go back to my first husband to whom I am sealed, nor do I wish to. I am quite discouraged in my current marriage because my husband is so negative about the church now. He is pulling my little children away from the church. I don't even feel comfortable praying in front of him or teaching our children important truths that I know it is my responsibility to teach them. I pray and pray because I am so troubled. I am writing this to help me figure it all out. Any thoughts anyone?

[NeuroTypical]

Repentence is an interesting deal. It hinges on you doing everything you can - and not one bit more - and not one bit less.

Remember the steps:

We Must Recognize Our Sins

We Must Feel Sorrow for Our Sins

We Must Forsake Our Sins

We Must Confess Our Sins (sometimes just to the Lord, sometimes to a Bishop or injured party)

We Must Make Restitution (to the extent possible)

We Must Forgive Others

We Must Keep the Commandments of God

From what I can tell, you, me, and everyone else here have a few of those we struggle with. I appreciate your post, because every time I go remind myself of these steps, I get renewed direction about what I need to do. My thoughts would be this: Pick one thing burdening you the most, and go through this process until you are ok with it. Then pick the next. Do this at a pace you can handle - and don't beat yourself up for how long it takes or how overwhelmed you feel. Don't get overwhelmed - take it at your pace. Would God ask for more than you can give? I don't think so.

[brokendoll]

The one most important thing that I wish to repent of is breaking my temple covenants. Since I divorced my first husband, I have regained my temple recommend. But I can't go back to my first husband. He is no longer temple worthy and I don't love him. My second husband has no testimony of the church and fights me on every point of doctrine, every commandment I wish to keep. I have placed myself in a very compromised position. I recognize now, too late, all of my wrongdoing. Now I am reaping what I have sown. And it feels as though I have failed this test. It just seems impossible to make things right. I've boxed myself into a place where a temple marriage is out of the question for me. I have no idea how this can be resolved.

[Vort]

Lead, Kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom. Lead Thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!

Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on.

I loved to choose and see my path; but now, lead Thou me on!

I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,

Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on

O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,

And with the morn those angel faces smile,

Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

[classylady]

Brokendoll, my heart goes out to you. All of us make make mistakes in our lives. We all have need to repent. One of the hardest things to do is to forgive ourselves. I know that for me, that has been the hardest. I've made some big mistakes in my life, and I couldn't forgive myself for the longest time. The only thing I could do was pray and pray about it and live my life the way I knew I should. I've finally found some peace--I will admit, not total peace, but some peace, because I've finally been able to forgive myself. Some of the decisions I have made in my life have eternal repercussions that have impacted my family, and I can't take that away. I can't control what they do. But, I can control what I do and how I live my life.

Continue to pray. Continue to love your husband. Continue to live your life being the best example that you can be. Your husband's testimony may return. Pray for him. Pray that his heart will be softened. Pray for your children. The Lord knows the intent of your heart. He knows of your sorrows. He is pleased that you have repented. Someday, things will all work out. We would like everything to be fixed, now. But, the Lord knows your husband and your children. He knows what will bring them back into the gospel. They will have life experiences and people sent into their lives that will temper them, and soften their hearts. Just, don't give up. Do what you can to be the best example of our Savior and of His gospel. I'm sending you hugs!

[Guest momabear]

You are not going to be doomed to live outside the Celestial Kingdom because of past mistakes! And Heavenly Father won't rip you and your husband apart because you made mistakes and he has had misunderstandings and misguidance! If you want to be together Heavenly Father and Christ are on your side. They will do everything they can. There is a perfect way to do things, but no one can do it, no one. Not even people who married the right way and stayed married till death. They didn't keep their marriage covenants perfectly and any sin annuls it. The Atonement is the reason we can all still make it to the Celestial kingdom. It can fix big and small. The only condition Christ asks of us is that we do everything we can. sometimes everything we can is nothing. Sometimes we don't know or understand what is right and so we can't do it. Temple marriage is about living righteously so we can be with the person we love forever. If you and your husband live the best you can Christ can fix the rest. Maybe it will take after this life. I know I have heard from General Authorities many times after you have repented to leave the past the past and move forward. so of course you should stay with your current husband.

[Guest momabear]

I forgot to say that your children will feel your testimony even if you don't get a chance to teach them much. If you try to be happy family that is what the gospel is about, the rest will come as you do the best you can.

[abb8279]

brokendoll,

Life is tough and you don't have anything to repent of. You are doing the best you can. Jesus said the two great commandments are love God and love your neighbor. Marriage is not the purpose of life. The purpose of life is to learn how to love. Marriage is an important tool in the process of learning to love. Frankly, I'm not sure I know what marriage in the afterlife is all about. If I die my wife can remarry and when she is dead, we're all dead she could be sealed that that other dude. She'd have two husbands in the afterlife. When you are dead someone could seal you to all husdands to whom you were legally married. Joseph Smith was sealed to several women and many of those women were already married. It does not fit our ideal for marriage that we currently have. You don't need to beat yourself up over your marriage difficulties. Just keep trying. Be honest and try to love people. That's all that matters.

God wants us to be happy and he knows life is hard. That's why he gave us Jesus. I don't think God wants you to beat yourself up over your difficulties. Just try to love your kids, your husband and be happy.

[LDSJewess]

Brokendoll,

When I saw your screen name I thought, wow if I have had the discipline and time to write a book about my life, I could use that screen name as the title to the book.

I can certainly identify with you. My story is not the same as yours, but suffice it to say that when we start our lives in a disfunctional family, ir often results in us making poor choices that in turn can have a snowball effect later on in our lives.

To be brief (not always easy for me) LOL, I was not conceived in love, never knew my biological father, birth mother dropped me off on a street corner in a baby buggy (literally), and I wound up being raised by a well meaning couple that unfortunately had some serious mental and emotional problems and a very distorted view of religion which in turn caused repeated violence and suffering for all who lived under their roof.

I spent my childhood surviving and patiently waiting to turn the magical age of 18 so I could flee from that home and make my own life. Only problem is, I had no skills and no clue as to how I was going to make my own life. The good part is that survivors like me tend to be very self preserving so I never got caught up in drugs or alcohol or anything that could cause me harm.

So I got married because higher education was not encouraged for girls back then except for the priveledged. And since like your situation, loving and well functioning family skills was not a part of my frame of reference, I had no clue how to be a wife and mother. Unfortunately my very young and naive husband had no clue how to be a husband and father. Needless to say the marriage failed miserably.

Now the differences between you and I is that I was not a member of the church when I married the first time. And I did not remarry for quite a long time and by choice opted to raise my children in a single parent home. I think I searched out just about every religion there was trying to make sense of what my purpose in life really was and what if anything was God's plan for me. But for much of my life never being sure as to where I belonged physically or spiritually.

When I first began investigating the LDS church, I actually felt uirritated by an LDS video that said something about how Heavenly Father sent us to earth to have bodies and he sent us "kind and good" parents to love and guide us. I used to think HUH????? Where were my kind and good loving parents??? I also had a hard time relating to the desire to be sealed to an eternal family. I could not imagine spending an eternity as an instant replay of my childhood.

I also spent a good deal of time torn between feeling guilty for my incorrect choices of my young adult hood, or blaming my childhood for making the incorrect choices in the first place.

Eventually, I had to learn to repent for my own bad choices because no one made them but me. But I also had to do a lot of forgiving. The repenting was much easieer than the forgiving part, and you may also find that to be so.

You see we can repent to Heavenly father and if we believe in his plan we know when we choose to repent and choose the correct path, we are forgiven. But forgiving those who have wronged us can be even more difficult. For one thingm, we cannot control the actions of another person, and they may not even believe they have wronged us. Then we may not want to forgive them. Or they may not want to accept our forgiveness.

Another part of the forgiveness process is to let go and forgive ourselves. No excuses. If we are repenting and expecting Heavenly Father to forgive us, then if we don't forgive ourselves we are defeating the purpose.

When it comes to the Temple marriage, although my situation is different as I was sealed to my second husband when I eventually remarried. But I have a close friend that was married in the Temple when she was young and had three kids, and they divorced. She eventually married another man and was unsealed from the first husband to be sealed to the second and they had a child together. She is now divorced from the second husband. Her children are now grown and after a period of being single, she is engaged to be married again. I have no idea how all the sealing and unsealing works and who is sealed to whom when we are all gone from this world. But I think it is Heavenly Fathers plan and he will figure it all out just fine.

In the meantime, we can do the very best of our abilities to be as worthy as we can be in the sight of God. We cannot be worthy for someone else, nor can we make someone else worthy; not our spouses, children or anyone else.

So my suggestion is to pray, read the scriptures, attend church, be involved in Relief Society, ask for a home teacher, and a visiting teacher, and surround yourself with other Saints who will help to strengthen you throughout your challenges.

Set as good of an example to be a loving and nurturing wife and mother. Your husband and children will need to become responsible for their choices but when they see you living in peace and harmony within yourself, some of it may just rub off on them a little. But don't be impatient if it doesn't all happen when you want it to.

I wish you love and all the joyful blessings that we all know Heavenly Father has planned for us even when we don't see it yet or understanding how it is all going to work out.