Squashy Posted August 2, 2011 Report Share Posted August 2, 2011 I have only been attending church for six weeks and have been baptized but inspite of struggling with my eating disorder this whole time I feel I am beginning to lose the battle. I have had this problem since I was a young child. My mum used to restrict my food due to her own mental health problems and I would steal from bins for food. I became such a scavenger and food obsessed that it lead to me binging and then throwing up. Yes it is disgusting and its a sin but I am struggling every meal time. Eating is pretty much torture for me and it seems the church events have lots of food related stuff which isn't helping. There was even food at my baptism which made me feel bad. I couldnt eat it cos I knew I would find it difficult. Out of all mental health problems eating disorders have one of the highest suicide rates and I can understand why. I don't know what to do next except maybe pray for forgiveness. I am at the end of my tether and can tell nobody.I want help but I am beginning to feel there is no hope for me and my faith is not strong enough. Cry for help? Cry for forgiveness. What will happen to my spirit after I am dead if I commit suicide? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted August 2, 2011 Report Share Posted August 2, 2011 Squashy, yes you can tell somebody. You NEED to tell somebody. The church has counseling services. You can access them through your bishop. Why do you feel this is a sin? You have an illness and an illness is NOT a sin. I wish I could fold you up in my arms and help you find the right people to help you overcome this issue. Please call somebody. Even a suicide hotline. Please get help!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squashy Posted August 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2011 Thank you for your kindness but I work in a Mental Health Hospital so I know what happens to people like me. I can't bear this struggling and pain. It is my fault as missionaries have prayed for me and blessed me but I still fail. The way I treat food is a sin. People are starving all over the world and I waste food. I don't deserve to have any food. My first fasting sunday I was in total turmoil. I am so selfish. Suicide is selfish too so I am not surprised I am tempted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted August 2, 2011 Report Share Posted August 2, 2011 Thank you for your kindness but I work in a Mental Health Hospital so I know what happens to people like me. I can't bear this struggling and pain. It is my fault as missionaries have prayed for me and blessed me but I still fail. The way I treat food is a sin. People are starving all over the world and I waste food. I don't deserve to have any food. My first fasting sunday I was in total turmoil. I am so selfish. Suicide is selfish too so I am not surprised I am tempted.You don't need to be in a mental health hospital to get help. I worked in psych. Our psychiatrists and psychologists saw people with eating disorders all the time. If someone was hospitalized it was usually to feed them.Please get help.I can't stress enough that you're not sinning. You are ill. There is a difference. You can continue with the negative self talk or you can reach out for help. Please Please Please...call somebody Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squashy Posted August 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2011 The hospital I work in know I have an eating disorder they just don't know bad I feel. They would be shocked if they knew but I guess they can't help if they are not aware. I could call The Samaritans but that is more for emergencies. I have been thinking about it for months now and I suppose if I was going to do it I would have done it by now. Sorry for sounding so negative. I will have to get help soon as I am feeling so unwell physically as well as mentally. Please pray for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted August 2, 2011 Report Share Posted August 2, 2011 Warm warm vibes sent your way. I struggle with bulimia and have for many years. I sought help about a year ago and it's helped me make amazing changes in my life. I can't stress enough how important and vital it is to get yourself help. There are so many resources out there that can help make a difference in your quality of life. Going to therapy has been a first step for me. I am 7.5months pregnant now and gaining weight has been a terrifying reality for me. I've been working with a support group and counselor that helps me keep my head on during my pregnancy. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't got help for myself at this point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squashy Posted August 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2011 Thank you for the vibes and I hope your pregnancy goes well. After being folded up in Applepansys arms and vibed by you Bini I somehow strangely feel a little better. I wish this feeling would last. The feeling I had after my blessing lasted several days and I did not feel afraid. I was feeling really scared earlier but not so bad now. You really are so kind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted August 2, 2011 Report Share Posted August 2, 2011 You are in my prayers Squashy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squashy Posted August 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Thankee you! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 I agree with apple that you need to change how you think about your situation, counseling can help greatly with that and you can see one through church services. Once you can see the situation for what it is instead of your current preception I think you will have greater success in your goals.An illness isn't a sin, it can not be fixed with prayers or blessings."The way I treat food is a sin. People are starving all over the world and I waste food. I don't deserve to have any food."This line of thinking, that so many parents put on their kids, is very dangerous. I knew a girl that struggled with her weight. She did not eat all her food and in response to being told that kids all over the world are starving and she was going to throw it away said, "Then box it up and send it to them. I'm full. How is it turning to fat on my body going to help starving kids?" We can't treat food sinnfully. We can treat ourselves bad. But food is just there. When we feel we don't deserve to eat, a basic need of survival, we treat ourselves bad, it has nothing to do with the food.Remember you treat yourself badly because of an illness. Not a sin. It's an illness passed on to you from your mother's illness. It's a cycle. You have the power to break that cycle. Get the help you need. Be kind to yourself and understand such cycles can sometimes take time to be broken. Do the best you can and let god do the rest.A couple of quotes from this Ensign article Myths about Mental Illness - Ensign Oct. 2005it must be emphasized that in many instances aberrant thoughts, actions, and feelings result from mental illness and not from sin. They come from disease, not transgression. They are not God’s way of punishing the sinner. To assume they are is not only overly simplistic but also contrary to the teachings of the Church. We must understand, however, without in any way denigrating the unique role of priesthood blessings, that ecclesiastical leaders are spiritual leaders and not mental health professionals. Most of them lack the professional skills and training to deal effectively with deep-seated mental illnesses and are well advised to seek competent professional assistance for those in their charge who are in need of it. Remember that God has given us wondrous knowledge and technology that can help us overcome grievous problems such as mental illness. Just as we would not hesitate to consult a physician about medical problems such as cancer, heart disease, or diabetes, so too we should not hesitate to obtain medical and other appropriate professional assistance in dealing with mental illness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sumiejenkins Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 · Hidden Hidden i moved to south Carolina a yr ago because my step dad was dying and he eventually did die of cancer so my mom was alone and she to was sick so i moved here to help her 11 mths ago my brother took his life in a dog wood tree in my front yard i have 4 kids and due to taking care of my mom and her house and rent plus my own i cant afford school cloths this yr or school supplies if you could just take a moment and share my link i would be so blessed thanksPay it forward Link to comment
FunkyTown Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 · Hidden Hidden Spambot. To the OP - If you're considering suicide, then what you really should do is go to the Doctors. Food disorders are a scary thing, and difficult to overcome on your own. Once you've gone to the Doctors, the church also has an Addiction thing. It's pretty awesome. Link to comment
Squashy Posted August 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Thank you for that I am starting to believe that what I do is because of illness rather sin. I feel a little better today and was not so preoccupied with food today. I managed to do a whole 12 hour shift in work today without being sick and it was not such a struggle. I will speak to the Bishop on Sunday and try to get help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 I have stuggled with this as well. (On my mission of all places!!) I, too am pregnant and suffer fron Hyper-emisis Gravitum. This is where the throwing up and other symptoms are really bad and last the whole 9 months. This is my third child and having a past of bulimima and hyper-emisis is very hard. But I too will keep you in prayers and recommend some help. Blessing from the missionaries are great, they help you know that you DO havethe strenth, with Heavenly Fathers help, to make it. Please keep in mind you body doesn't know what else to do, other than purge. You really need to re-train it. It takes some time. Get the help and start the process. You are LOVED! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Someday Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Thank you for your kindness but I work in a Mental Health Hospital so I know what happens to people like me. I can't bear this struggling and pain. It is my fault as missionaries have prayed for me and blessed me but I still fail. The way I treat food is a sin. People are starving all over the world and I waste food. I don't deserve to have any food. My first fasting sunday I was in total turmoil. I am so selfish. Suicide is selfish too so I am not surprised I am tempted.First of all, I admire your courage to post about this and ask for help. Secondly, mental illness is NOT a sin, please keep telling yourself that. I am not sure where you are located, but you should be able to ask your bishop for a referral to LDS Family Services. They have great counselors there that can help. Also, working in a Mental Health Hospital can give you a very skewed view of reality (I used to work with emotionally disturbed high schoolers in a non-public school), so please don't go judging yourself based on what you deal with on a daily basis.A word of advice (I am not a counselor), I would skip fasting for right now until you are able to get some help. Fasting may tend to reinforce some of the feelings that you are having. Of course, that doesn't mean that you can't pray and bear your testimony or do any of the other things that you would do while fasting - you can still do that, just eat regular meals for now. While this won't solve anything, it is one less thing to worry about for the short term.I wish you luck and hope that you get the help that you need soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squashy Posted August 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 Firstly thank you Jennarator and sorry to hear you have this problem too. When I was pregnant 18 years ago I was so ill I weighed less at 9 months pregnant than I did at my normal weight. I should have got help then. Secondly Someday you are right the people that I work with are very disturbed and it can be distressing to see thank you for your input also. Lately I have had terribly disrupted sleep getting no more than four hours a night and because I have been awake I have given in to hunger and binged. Last night I had the best sleep since I don't know when six and hours of it. I feel so much better for it. I will be attempting to fast this Sunday and if I fail I will still contribute the money for the meals. I will try not to beat myself up if I fail. I have the missionaries who taught me visiting on Sunday as I put my name down to entertain them. I know they will help me if I ask. Sorry for being so negative I can see there is a way forward now. It will not be easy but I want to change so badly I have to take that path. Much love joy and peace to all of you who answered this post and have given support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted August 4, 2011 Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 Firstly thank you Jennarator and sorry to hear you have this problem too. When I was pregnant 18 years ago I was so ill I weighed less at 9 months pregnant than I did at my normal weight. I should have got help then. Secondly Someday you are right the people that I work with are very disturbed and it can be distressing to see thank you for your input also. Lately I have had terribly disrupted sleep getting no more than four hours a night and because I have been awake I have given in to hunger and binged. Last night I had the best sleep since I don't know when six and hours of it. I feel so much better for it. I will be attempting to fast this Sunday and if I fail I will still contribute the money for the meals. I will try not to beat myself up if I fail. I have the missionaries who taught me visiting on Sunday as I put my name down to entertain them. I know they will help me if I ask. Sorry for being so negative I can see there is a way forward now. It will not be easy but I want to change so badly I have to take that path. Much love joy and peace to all of you who answered this post and have given support.I have lost 13 pounds, already, and I didn't start out weighing much..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squashy Posted August 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 Aw no poor thing! I am sorry you are suffering I will pray for you. Being pregnant can be stressful at the best of times I hope you will feel better soon. At least you will have a beautiful baby and something very precious to look forward to. I wish I could find the appropriate scripture to help. Take care of yourself please and let me know when you have your baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Someday Posted August 8, 2011 Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 So how did fast Sunday go? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted August 8, 2011 Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 I am prego & didn't fast. My kids did & thought they were going to die. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squashy Posted August 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) Fast Sunday was very difficult and cried most of the way through it. I guess I had a constant reminder of how weak I am. I spoke to the Bishop and told him I am feeling very bad at the moment. Not bad enough to end my life though and I am still here so I thats a good start. Thanks for showing such love checking on me. The Elders came and ate with me on Sunday and they are here next Sunday also. We watched a dvd and chatted. The dvd showed the story of John Tanner. It was very moving as I myself had terrible leg ulcers on both legs so that I was unable to walk for nine months. John Tanner thought he was going to die soon but he still gave his all to God. I wish I could be more like him. Until now the missionaries had been impressed by how much I learnt in a short space of time and how much I studied and read the Book of Mormon. They were amazed that after my first visit to church I wanted to be baptized. They are under no illusions now of what I am really like and how I feel. They were shocked by how upset I was. I had no way of hiding it any longer. I feel better for the tears because of the relief. I am sorry for the fuss I made though and feel ashamed. Poor missionaries they did their best. The rest is up to me now. Edited August 8, 2011 by Squashy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted August 8, 2011 Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 It might be up to you, but remember it's ok to get support, too!! You'll get there! Keep us updated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squashy Posted August 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 Thanks for your support much love to you. I will be back soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nadwin Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 This thread provide information about the Eating Disorders and suicide and this thread prove that healthy dieting is how much important in our life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squashy Posted November 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 I am still suffering because of this but I have had so much support from the church that I enjoy life as much as possible. I don't feel suicidal at the moment and I feel much stronger. Thanks Nadwin I hope you are feeling ok and are not suicidal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.