Sharing unsavory family history?

[lizzy16]

I'm visiting with my grandma for the next few days until thursday. I've found a few documents and things while sorting through her shed. One of the documents was a psychiatric report from when she was trying for custody. My grandmother had me read it aloud basically saying it made her feel good because it said she was 'normal' and my grandpa wasn't.

This report said some things that were eye opening for me. i knew my mom had a rough family life. But, I never fully understood and now, being away and knowing this I love her more then ever. She's trying to break this cycle of abuse/teenage pregnancies/failed marriages/jail time ect that has affected her&every single one of my moms 15+ brother and sisters. All of her siblings kids are ending up messed up. My mom really tried to provide me and my siblings a stable homelife. Away from all this stupid family drama.

Anyways, in this document some things were said that really bothered me. I'd like to talk to her about it but it puts my grandmother in an unsavory light. It kinda horrifyed me actually. And, If my mom doesn't know about these things I don't want to tell her. I'd never want to view my mother the way i'm now viewing my grandmother.

Also, There was 40 pages of handwritting of my grandma. The first page i skimmed basically was talking about how everyone in her life failed her. Her ex husbad, the church her kids ect. The writing was directed to her children/grandchildren. It said something like "you kids." ect. It was clear she wanted her kids to read it. I took these papers and I'm going to read them And, after that i'll try and figure out if i'll give them to my mom. Or file them away from everyone.. I'm so interested in family history. And, my grandmother IS an amazing women. She is. She has this son who had a lot of medical issues and he's needed care his entire life. my grandma traded her life for his.

Is it wrong to talk to my mom about this document or the pages I'm going to read?

[Guest]

It was wrong of your grandma to make you read that.

[lizzy16]

Well, She didn't force me to. She handed it to me and said "read this aloud." I could have said no. But I didn't know what it was. And, by the time i realized I was just so wrapped up and curious.

[Guest]

I know she didn't hold a gun to your head or anything. :) But what she did was wrong. It was an unfair burden to place on you.

But now the cows are out of the barn, as it were.

You are a teenager, right? How are you dealing with it? Do you need to talk to your mom to help you process all of it? I would want my teenage daughter to come to me, not carry it on her own.

If you're wanting to talk to her for her benefit, just think about it for a bit. Think about what the advantages and disadvantages would be of sharing that information with her. Then ask her if she wants to hear it or talk about it. My dad didn't have a great upbringing, and he still doesn't want to talk about it much. He's opened up over the years, but it's very slowly and a little at a time. My mom, on the other hand, is very open about bad things that happened to her as a kid.

Either way, I'm more concerned about you than your mom. I'd be pretty mad if someone aired a bunch of dirty laundry to my daughter as young as you are without at least talking to me about it.

[lizzy16]

Well, I'm 17.I move into BYU-I on thursday. I don't NEED to talk to my mom. I'm not going through any awful mind trauma. I don't need a therapist. But, I'd like to. I'd like to. I knew my grandma was kinda crazy and messed up. I never really got how much...and now i'm wondering if my mom knew? I mean. I suppose she had to. I heard stories and things as I was growing up but i never fully understood it all.

Most of it I know she knows. But there is that one thing. And I just can't quite get over it. If i knew that about my mother I'd never see her the same way again. Ever. Next time I call I think i'll ask my dad if he thinks i should share this with her. Both my parents are in an intense RN program right now. I don't want my mom to be emotionally burdened at this criticical time. Or any time really. I think i'll talk to my dad about the specific thing. And then with the paper in general i'll just ask if shes read it or seen it.

[Iggy]

Well, I'm 17.I move into BYU-I on thursday. I don't NEED to talk to my mom. I'm not going through any awful mind trauma. I don't need a therapist. But, I'd like to. I'd like to. I knew my grandma was kinda crazy and messed up. I never really got how much...and now i'm wondering if my mom knew? I mean. I suppose she had to. I heard stories and things as I was growing up but i never fully understood it all.

Most of it I know she knows. But there is that one thing. And I just can't quite get over it. If i knew that about my mother I'd never see her the same way again. Ever. Next time I call I think i'll ask my dad if he thinks i should share this with her. Both my parents are in an intense RN program right now. I don't want my mom to be emotionally burdened at this criticical time. Or any time really. I think i'll talk to my dad about the specific thing. And then with the paper in general i'll just ask if shes read it or seen it.

Lizzy, why don't you put it on a back burner for a month or three. Give your self time to digest it, ponder and pray regarding it. It seems these papers have been unseen for years, a couple months or longer won't hurt.

If it were me, I would NOT destroy them. I would put them in a safe place for now, and wait until moved by the spirit as to what to do next with them, knowing full well that it could be months or even years.

[Guest shiva007]

your grandma is so nice.

[Gwen]

I was in my teens when I started learning about my mom's abusive past. I learned more and more over years worth of conversations. Yes it's hard to hear but I think those are things what when you become an adult you need to start learning to talk about them like adults. It's important to understanding your family and in some ways yourself. It's also good to know family history, addictions, mental illness, etc.

It doesn't sound like your grandmother used the best method but really how do you bring such things up. I think she is just seeing you are becoming an adult and might be time you learn these things.

[NeuroTypical]

I'd seriously consider burning those papers. It sounds like your grandmother is manipulative and a professional victim. Honestly grandma - poisoning a kid's perception of her mom? Making your own daughter look bad to her kids? Yeesh. I mean, if you were in danger, if your mother was evil, I could maybe see grandma doing something - but spreading bad stories really isn't it.

If she ever tried something like that again, I'd let her know that "honor thy mother" means something to you, and you're not interested.

I never fully understood and now, being away and knowing this I love her more then ever. She's trying to break this cycle of abuse/teenage pregnancies/failed marriages/jail time ect that has affected her&every single one of my moms 15+ brother and sisters. All of her siblings kids are ending up messed up. My mom really tried to provide me and my siblings a stable homelife. Away from all this stupid family drama.

...

Is it wrong to talk to my mom about this document or the pages I'm going to read?

It depends on your purpose for doing so. And it also depends on your relationship with your mother.

Maybe you mention in passing that grandma has a rather dark side to her you picked up on with this last visit. Then mention that you've gained an appreciation for some of her troubles, then give her a big hug.

[lizzy16]

I'd seriously consider burning those papers. It sounds like your grandmother is manipulative and a professional victim. Honestly grandma - poisoning a kid's perception of her mom? Making your own daughter look bad to her kids? Yeesh. I mean, if you were in danger, if your mother was evil, I could maybe see grandma doing something - but spreading bad stories really isn't it.

It didn't portray my mother in a bad light at all. I'm sorry if I gave that impression. It made my grandmother look bad, and it 'poisoned my perception' of my grandmother. It made me love my mom even more for having a mother like that. So really, my grandmother was telling me to read bad things about herself. Which maybe she though i knew. But, I had no idea. Or maybe she hadn't read the paper in awhile and didn't realize what was said. Although. I don't get how you'd forget a paper like that.

Maybe you mention in passing that grandma has a rather dark side to her you picked up on with this last visit. Then mention that you've gained an appreciation for some of her troubles, then give her a big hug.

When I see my mom at Christmas i'll do just that.

I called my dad and talked to him about it. He just said to leave it alone, sorry I heard all of that and it would be best not to bring it up now. But, as for the 30 pages he said if i wanted to read them he couldn't stop me but be careful in what I share with my mom, that grandma isn't stable, ect. And, if theres anything good to share it with my mom :) So yea.

thats the end of that :)

thanks for the advice!