Inlaw Advice

[girlygirl]

Does anyone have any advice on bridging the gap between yourself and atheist inlaws?

I am married to a man who got baptized a year after we were married and have a great relationship. Only problem is, is that we live very close to both our parents, and I don't get along with the inlaws. When we were just friends I really got along with them.

As soon as we started dating, and got married, the relationship has gone downhill. I feel like as soon as their son started dating a 'mormon' they became very suspicious of me and my intentions. My husband was raised atheiest and did not even believe in God before I started dating him (he has come along way, which is a very big blessing.)

I really am glad my husband was raised with good family values. However I really find it hard to bridge the gap between me and the parents. Not that this matters but they are well off and he is the oldest son in the whole extended family, the only one who has brought a girl home yet. It seems that having someone 'new' at their family get together seems like an intrusion and often I am ignored.

Yes, they are very social drinkers, can be crude, and although I try my best not to snub them, I get the impression they think I am being a snob when I refuse a drink or make a face when they crack a rude joke (especially when there are children around and I know one day my children will be there too.)

For the last year I really feel like as my husband has become closer to church he is becoming further from his family. The other day we went around to their home and his mom said she never sees us anymore (we live close.) And this really hit home with me. I do NOT want to be the wife to take the son away from his family. Although I haven't intentionally done this, I feel like my husband had without realizing it distanced himself because he sees I am uncomfortable around them, and perhaps he is getting to be the same way too.

What my question is, is how do I more properly support my husbands relationship with his family and even my own? I have suggested alot he go out and visit them but I think he always really wants me to go with him and if I don't he won't go. I really don't have much in common with them, when they are not drinking they are honestly bragging about what they own and what they are going to buy. I really find it hard to fit in there... And visa versa, I really feel like they have no clue what to talk to me about.. help??!

[JudoMinja]

Neither of my parents have a very strong connection with either of their families, so when problems with inlaws came up, well... It pretty much just became spend less time around the inlaws.

I don't see how distance is really a bad thing... It's good that you want to build and keep a good relationship with them, but I think that sometimes that just isn't possible if there is no solid common ground. My dad doesn't really like his parents much. They are LDS but very nosey and pushy and competitive. He's glad to be away from that. My mom doesn't really like her parents much. They are not religious at all. She tried and tried and tried for a long time to keep a good relationship with them, but things just kept falling apart and she eventually gave up. My parents are happy together and are still on good terms with each others parents, but they just don't spend much time around them or communicate with them much.

As the child who grew up without much interaction with grandparents... It didn't really have all that huge of an affect on me I think. I don't feel any major strong family ties, and I think it is a bit harder for me to feel the spirit of Elijah in regards to temple work, but otherwise... I'm still a solid strong happy person. I know all my grandparents and talk to them on occassion, but it's more just to keep tabs on what we are all doing with our lives right now.

So, this may not really be the advice you are looking for, but it is okay if you end up having a distant relationship with your inlaws. Keep things cordial and look for common ground where you can connect, but if no connection can be made it isn't really your fault and it isn't really a "bad" thing either. You can get along just fine without a strong bond with the inlaws.

As far as the religious differences... all you can really do is make it clear that you are respectful of their atheist beliefs and expect them to show you the same respect for your beliefs. Also, try to find ways to make it clear that your husband chose his faith for himself, and you did not "steal" him away.

[girlygirl]

Thanks Judo for your reply, and yes that's what my parents tell me is that I just shouldn't go around too much, which we don't. However this is the rub, I feel alot of value in his family. I never knew either of my grandparents. My family does get together now and then but they aren't that strong 'family get togethers' type. We really just all do our own thing. His family on the other hand has really strong family orientated values. They always keep in contact with each other and plan activities and outings (whole extended family). Part of me does really want to be apart of that, and have my kids part of that, because I wish my family was more like that, and my parents don't talk to most of their family. I feel guilty I guess and I feel like I have 'taken him away' even though I know it is his choice for when he wants to visit them and not.

As for the beliefs, I think that is one of the major wedges.. we plan on getting married in the temple next year.. that's definitely not going to help the situation that their son will be having a second 'mormon secret temple marriage', that they won't be invited to.

The main point is that I feel my parents have taught me to distance myself to anything that isn't working for me, family included, and I really want to work this one out!

[Jennarator]

This is the question that has been asked for gerations. I, too look for a good answer. Tho mine are LDS, they don't seem to like me, much.

[girlygirl]

@ Jennarator- yep, I'm sure everyone reading this probably has the same problem in some shape or form! ;P

[kimzirker]

Well, I actually have a better relationship with my inlaws than I do with my own parents! That's their choice, not mine. I've spent years and years bridging the gaps, but in the end they always find a way to dig another one. It's such a stress all the time. When I was really struggling with this I went to see my stake president and he told me that 'you can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with you.' That just really hit home to me. So my best advice is do the best you can. Be kind, be curteous, pray that your relationship will improve, and then give the rest to the Lord! I know this might sound callous, but the less I talk with my parents-the more peace I feel in my heart. Whenever my children were around them I cringed all the time. So many stories, jokes, behavior, movies, tv shows, language, etc that they were exposed to every time we were around them sent chills down my spine. We used to do a 'detox' session after each visit where we had to tell the kids that story gma told wasn't true, that show was inapproapriate, that language was not good, we love the people but we don't have to love their choices, etc. I didn't take all this lightly though. It took me about 5 years to really be ok with not having a relationship with my mom (dad died). It always bothered me, it always hurt. In the church we are taught to turn the other cheek, love and obey our parents, forgive, etc. But in the end, you can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with you--no matter how hard to try to force it to happen. Your heart is in the right place-so I'm sure that you will make the decisions that work best for you and your future family. Good luck to you!