Incapable of making friends

[strugglinganonymously]

I don't know why, but I feel like I am incapable of bonding with other women. I have lived several different states, with liberals, conservatives, mormons, nonmormons, career-driven women, stay-at-home moms, and for some reason, I never make any friends. I feel as though I am totally incapable. People are really nice to me in the beginning and reach out to me for a while, but then, a few weeks later they find someone else to hang with, despite my efforts to continue to befriend them. It's like I can't get close to them. Like I don't really have a personality. I'm just there, and I don't know how to change it... maybe I don't really know who I am. Thoughts anyone?

[Guest mormonmusic]

Hmnmm... you might try reading the book "How To Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. It's old, but it's a staple for people that want to make friends. Also, remember the Bible says Jesus "Grew in favor with God and man" as he grew older -- Ezra Taft Benson says Jesus did this through service. So, take an interest in the lives of other people, and do things to serve them, expecting nothing in return.

You will find yourself awash in friends as you do kind things for them, forgetting yourself for a while. Also, offer to help work alongside people on various Church tasks -- that will create interaction that can develop relationships and friendships.

[strugglinganonymously]

Yes, I have thought of the whole service thing, and have completely immersed myself in service. I even won an award in college for completing 500 hours of service. But, I still don't feel I've made any progress. I also find that particular book offensive because I don't think there's a recipe for making friends like it suggests.

[Guest mormonmusic]

Well, like most books I read, I would suggest reading several books on the subject and taking those parts that seem to make the most sense to you. Out comes your own brand of things to try. Some will not work, others will be OK, others will be stellar. Out will come your own electic way of making friends.

I also watched a couple people who were really good at making friends. I watched for patterns in the things they talked about with others, how they connected with people, and then took what I felt I could do honestly from their suite of techniques. One person would focus on things of general interest -- like the holiday season, ask about what people thought of current issues (non-political), or other things of a general nature. Another picked something interesting or sensational that happened to them and brought that up with multiple people. "A kid threw a rock at my car today". "I'm going to see Modern English at the SkyDome this weekend! I'm excited!". Those are things that worked for me; watch others and find your own.

I actually have to sit and think for a few minutes before I talk to someone I don't know very well and who I don't bond with very well. I reflect on the last time I met with them, what might be on their mind, and what I might bring up to deepen the friendship, or at least, keep the conversation going. I go into the conversation with a battery of questions to fall back on in case there are long silences.

I also keep a bunch of interesting quotes in my mind because I read a lot, and I bring them up when they fit conversation. Tonight someone asked me to write them all down because he needed them for an event he was speaking at this week!!!

I often ask them if they have interests in music, and get them talking about themselves. There you can learn where to take a conversation so they stay engaged and find you to be an "interesting conversationalist".

Edited September 16, 2011 by mormonmusic

[LeKook]

I don't know why, but I feel like I am incapable of bonding with other women. I have lived several different states, with liberals, conservatives, mormons, nonmormons, career-driven women, stay-at-home moms, and for some reason, I never make any friends. I feel as though I am totally incapable. People are really nice to me in the beginning and reach out to me for a while, but then, a few weeks later they find someone else to hang with, despite my efforts to continue to befriend them. It's like I can't get close to them. Like I don't really have a personality. I'm just there, and I don't know how to change it... maybe I don't really know who I am. Thoughts anyone?

I realize you're struggling anonymously, but would you share just a little bit about your situation? Approximate age, are you married, kids, single, married to a church member, that kind of thing? I'm struggling with a similar situation in my own life, that's why I ask. I'm almost 50, married to a non-member, no kids, so opportunities to really get to know other women don't come along much.

Hang in there! :)

-LeKook

[LittleWyvern]

In a social sphere there's a concept of being "out there." If you don't make a consisous effort to be a part of a group (or somebody's life, even) then your area in that social sphere will be necessarily small. It may seem like everybody is ignoring you but they're actually not: they just rarely cross your area of influence. Think of it like going to college: if you come in as an incoming freshman then of course it seems like everybody is ignoring you but that's just because there's thousands of people and hardly anybody knows you. You can try to meet people you see, that doesn't create area growth by itself, it just creates an opportunity for area growth. You need to do something with these people you know, and that's called networking. As you really get involved with a friend (this is much easier than some friends than others depending on how your interests are alike), you'll start meeting your friend's friends. They'll start getting to know you. They'll get involved with you on stuff. Then, their friends will get to know you. See how this starts to snowball? So my advice would be to go beyond just getting to know somebody. If somebody you know shares an interest, pursue it together! Do group activities. If a friend is stubborn, do some service, shake them up a little bit. It's all about reaching and going beyond acquaintences.

Now, I myself am going through the exact same thing at BYU. I'm a sophmore, but I just came back from a mission so I know nobody. I used to be worried about this, but building a social network takes time and practice. Just try to reach outside your comfort zone and find somebody you can be a really good friend with. Your comfort zone (and your social zone!) will expand. But it's like how a tree grows. Sometimes you may not even notice there's a social network growing until 20 more people than expected show up at your house for a party because they heard it from a friend.

[strugglinganonymously]

LeKook, I would love to share a little about me. I just moved to a new area a few months ago with my husband who is going to school. We are both members. I am 24 and my husband is 28. We don't have any kids, and don't plan to for a while even though we've been married four years. We're from Utah originally, but currently we are in Boston, and there's a different east coast culture out here that I don't fully relate to. At first, people were friendly in the ward, but they have kind of formed their own cliques without me, and I am left kind of a loner at church even though I try to reach out...

[Bini]

Don't really have an answer for you. But my husband has told me that there's a certain attitude you find on the east-coast. He dated a girl from there for about a year or so and their difference in attitude towards things was just too different. He couldn't really explain it in other terms than that. Anyway, could be experiencing a culture shock? Have you tried joining a club? Maybe I missed that you have. With a club, you can meet all kinds of people, do an activity but not have to deal with the stresses of trying to maintain a close knit friendship..

[yodabrooke]

:) Ya know i'm sure your not the only one that feels this way in the ward. I'm sure if you look around you will see some people that don't really stand around and talk to every one. They are harder to notice because they are more quiet. You might try to reach out to one of them and find you are not the only one that feels that way. I bet you could make a real good friend and remember they don't have to be your same age they might be a grandma or an single mom or someone with a family but husbands in active etc. whatever it might be you will gain a friend and you might make someone feel like they have a friend in the ward too. I don't really feel I need to go out of my way for the ones that always have someone around them. i shoot for the ones that don't I get better friends that way. I'm 28 have and have a nonmember husband and two boys and I have a really good friend at church and she is like 60+ husbands passed away and kids grown up and i just love her. I do try to find people that are not in clicks and bring them to my end.... But I have caught myself not doing this when I am going threw a lot with my life or just think that i am i am less likely to talk to others

Edited September 16, 2011 by yodabrooke

[bettyjbass]

In a social sphere there's a concept of being "out there." If you don't make a consisous effort to be a part of a group (or somebody's life, even) then your area in that social sphere will be necessarily small. It may seem like everybody is ignoring you but they're actually not: they just rarely cross your area of influence. Think of it like going to college: if you come in as an incoming freshman then of course it seems like everybody is ignoring you but that's just because there's thousands of people and hardly anybody knows you. You can try to meet people you see, that doesn't create area growth by itself, it just creates an opportunity for area growth. You need to do something with these people you know, and that's called networking. As you really get involved with a friend (this is much easier than some friends than others depending on how your interests are alike), you'll start meeting your friend's friends. They'll start getting to know you. They'll get involved with you on stuff. Then, their friends will get to know you. See how this starts to snowball? So my advice would be to go beyond just getting to know somebody. If somebody you know shares an interest, pursue it together! Do group activities. If a friend is stubborn, do some service, shake them up a little bit. It's all about reaching and going beyond acquaintences.

Now, I myself am going through the exact same thing at BYU. I'm a sophmore, but I just came back from a mission so I know nobody. I used to be worried about this, but building a social network takes time and practice. Just try to reach outside your comfort zone and find somebody you can be a really good friend with. Your comfort zone (and your social zone!) will expand. But it's like how a tree grows. Sometimes you may not even notice there's a social network growing until 20 more people than expected show up at your house for a party because they heard it from a friend.

Hello LittleWyvern, I can truly understand the poistion of what you are saying. Because myself is a very closed in person, whom trust no one, when God, says trust no man. I have isolated myself from ever trying to be friends, which is like whispers in my own ear, unless it is God, voice that I constant pray to whom is my only friend. I believe that sometimes he interceed for me to reach out meeting people, but the many of issues with trying to trust a friend is hard for me, when evryone to me is so self negative and liars beneath my heart, mind to just not have friends, because of other thoughts and doubts that they really will be not a true friend. While it is hard to have a friend who would want to be fleshly and not spiritually! But if you were to see my friend list request on the lds web site, I only have one friend. Although i would love to say, as i am reaching out! Would you except me as a friend? Maybe this is our start as lds sister's to ask the question, who would love a good soild spiritual friend that I like to share everything with by conversating.

[tubaloth]

I wish I had an answer. I'm kind of in the same boat. Mine really all started from my Birthday being in September. This caused me to go to school a year later then everybody I was in Church/Primary/Sunday School. Meaning I had friends at school and I had friends at church but never had both (for the most part) and never really hung out with people unless it was a church function (and they were a year a head).

To this day I have a lot of people I know through the church and some I keep in contact with, but I never actually do anything with, or even call them. This had hurt in dating because I try to develop some type of friendship, but I guess I only take friendship so far, I guess after that I don't think anybody cares (or something).

For your situation it probably is hard being in a different part of the country. You might just start out small and see how good of friend you can be with your Visiting Teacher companion. If not that you might try inviting over some younger couple in the ward. This might actually take some time to find some friends that you click with.

You can also do this with Neighbors too.

[LittleWyvern]

Because myself is a very closed in person, whom trust no one, when God, says trust no man. I have isolated myself from ever trying to be friends, which is like whispers in my own ear, unless it is God, voice that I constant pray to whom is my only friend. I believe that sometimes he interceed for me to reach out meeting people, but the many of issues with trying to trust a friend is hard for me, when evryone to me is so self negative and liars beneath my heart, mind to just not have friends, because of other thoughts and doubts that they really will be not a true friend.

Keep in mind that social networks (I'm using "social network" in a pre-facebook sense) don't have to be large to be good! You can just find a core group of 4-5 friends you can really trust and be very satisfied. This is what I did in high school, where there were only about 4-5 young men my age in the whole town (this is Oregon, so town = 1 ward). I wouldn't worry so much and just take it slowly. Usually slow-growing networks end up being the strongest.

[johnnylingo]

You're not alone in your struggle to make friends. I've talked to many members who feel left out of the ward.

You can give yourself more time. It takes some people longer to make friends, and it's not because they're incompetent, it's just who they are and there's nothing wrong with it.

You can choose not be discouraged or offended. Keep reaching out, like you're doing now. If your efforts aren't reciprocated, don't take it personally. People are comfortable with their circle of friends, and it can be hard for them to get out of that comfort zone.

But one of the best things you can do it visit teach. You may not become best friends with your companion or teachees, but if you learn to sincerely love those sisters, it will make relief society a lot more pleasant to attend, and help you to generally be more sociable in a hundred different ways.

Edit: Moving in to a new place, we tend to focus our social efforts on church. It's a built-in social network. But often, people outside the church can be much more open to new friends. Volunteering, joining a community sports team, and attending group exercise classes or continuing-ed classes can be a great way to meet people.

Edited September 25, 2011 by johnnylingo

[LeKook]

Actually, I think the best thing you can do to make friends is to find all of the folks in your ward who are in the same boat (have difficulty making friends) or just be observant and notice the people who aren't really interacting when you're in church, and approach them, invite them for a visit, or include them in something you're already planning on doing by yourself (a hobby, or an outing, that sort of thing). Then we could take care of everyone who feels excluded! :)

[talisyn]

I wish you were in my ward! Actually, I'm one of the loners due to lack of ambition lol, and I totally admire people who try to make friends. Do you have a visiting teaching assignment?

I hate cliques. It's like the song 'High School Never Ends', and I had enough of that in middle school to even try in the adult world. If you have free time try volunteering in places like food pantries, libraries, and community centers. Cliche, I know, but that's the point, they tend to work lol. Just don't overthink! That usually makes people miserable. Y

You are a daughter of the Most High God, and are of infinite worth.

[LeKook]

I wish you were in my ward! Actually, I'm one of the loners due to lack of ambition lol, and I totally admire people who try to make friends. Do you have a visiting teaching assignment?

I'm kind of pushed into doing this sort of thing, otherwise I just don't "fit". Unfortunately there are cliques even in the church (sorry, sisters, but that's a fact!) and I'm a perpetual outsider. It's taking way more effort than I ever expected to even get to know anyone on a first-name basis. I guess I expected different, but you know, it is what it is.

I don't have a teaching assignment, no - nobody's even mentioned that to me or what it is.

Sorry if I'm starting to sound like I have a chip on my shoulder, it just gets to me, you're right, it does feel like high school all over again. Sometimes I want to walk up to people and say, "Sorry I'm not pretty to look at, but I assure you, I really DO exist." LOL!!!