Mother in Law Question

[legalwriting]

I was wondering if I could get some advice. My wife and I are both very active in the church and we have 2 children ages 7 and 5. My parents are divorced and my wife's parents are also divorced so our kids have 4 sets of grandparents. My mother was baptized in the church when I was younger but is no longer active and very antagonist against the church and our beliefs. I could provide a lot more details but basically my mother is causing problems in our marriage. We believe that she is not a good influence on our children.

Genesis 2:24 states "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." I also talked with my bishop and he shared that his father is also not a good influence on his children so he limits contact.

Ideally, we would like no contact but I would like to limit contact to maybe one short visit for a few hours once a year with both my wife and I present. My mother also wants to talk to the grandkids once a week on a phone and my wife gets really upset each week when my mother calls. I would like to end the weekly phone calls. We live about 5 minutes from my wife's father and his wife (who are very active in the church) and we have a good relationship with them. My mother lives in California and we live in Utah. I also have a decent relationship with my father and his wife even though he is not a member of the church. Does this seem like a fair approach? Any other thoughts?

[Guest]

Have you approached her with the problem and given her a chance to stop the bad behavior? I think it would be reasonable to call her on it, tell her you'll be listening in on calls periodically (or always), and that if things don't change, she'll have very limited contact with them. You are the parents. You make the boundaries, and either she respects them, or she loses access to them. I think what you're proposing is fair, but only if she's aware that you have an issue with her and she hasn't been willing to change.

[Iggy]

I agree with Eowyn, but because of the ages of your children, I would put it on speaker and you and your wife listen in on ALL calls, and don't be shy about snatching up the receiver when she steps over the line.

You are the parent, YOU hold stewardship over your children. If Mom can't behave herself, the consequences are- no contact for 3 months. If she does it again, then 6 months. Does it again, one year. Does it again, NEVER again.

[NeuroTypical]

Yeah, being able to clearly identify specific behavior, and being able to unambiguously say it will no longer be tolerated, is 90% of the battle here.

Put your mom on notice that you will no longer tolerate [whatever] from her. She will believe you are bluffing, and do it anyway. Make the consequence clear and immediate.

Some moms are trainable, others aren't. Give her the chance to show which one she is, then treat her accordingly.

[Backroads]

Yes, I think it would be best to approach her and set the standards for the phone calls. I do hate the idea of denying a grandmother any contact with her grandchildren, but ultimately you are the father and it is your duty to take care of your children.

[sister_in_faith]

I agree with the others. Don't worry about what is 'fair', worry about what is right for your little ones. I already know that if I were to have children, my mother would NEVER have unsupervised contact with them. EVER.

[Guest mormonmusic]

Yep -- this is your baby, so to speak -- you have the right to put whatever restrictions and monitoring on the situation you see fit -- and to set boundaries. I'd try to talk it out with the MIL first and be kind but firm. As they say, Firm, Fair and Friendly.