Parental allowance of steady dating

[splash]

I am strongly against steady dating while in high school. I don't want to allow steady dating. How much should a parent enforce no steady dating? Thanks.

Edited January 4, 2012 by Pegasus_

[Guest Anonymity]

Well, I'm not a parent, and that being said you can take only my opinion on the matter. I don't think it should be allowed. But you run the risk of a daughter/son going out steadily behind your back. Teenagers don't think clearly. haha But I can only tell you a quick story of a friend of mine. She wasn't allowed to date steadily as a teenager so she did go ahead and date steadily a boyfriend for about 3 years behind her parent's back. Because of this they had to find places to be unnoticed, unseen, out-of-sight, and ALONE. Because of their constantly being alone and their raging hormones as teenagers, one thing led to another and, well, you get the idea. They were both good members of the church too. So I don't know where that fine line is. Maybe it would be better for them to be "semi-steady" and be in your sight at all times than to completely forbid it and have them always gone. :S Its just a thought.

[Gwen]

I knew a family that had a no more than 2 consecutive dates rule (while in high school). They could go out with the same person twice in a row. After that if they wanted to go on a third date with that same person they had to go out with someone else first. I thought it was a neat rule from the first time I heard about it (I was a teen at the time).

[John11111]

I will not allow my daughters to steady date untill after highschool as well. I know what steady dating can lead to from personal experience.

Even though I was raised really well and had strong feelings of what was right and wrong steady dating can build strong feelings being young and not mature enough yet can lead to behavior which is only intended to be shared between married couples.

Im all for letting my daughters date but not with the same guy. I believe it is our resposibility to guard our children and make it a point to know where they are and who they are with.

I know it will be difficult but if I have to follow my girls around and install gps on there cars or phones to make sure they are where they say they will be I will do it. They may not like me for it but being a parent is not always about being liked lol. Ultimately it is on me for what happens to them while they live under my roof.

[JudoMinja]

I knew a family that had a no more than 2 consecutive dates rule (while in high school). They could go out with the same person twice in a row. After that if they wanted to go on a third date with that same person they had to go out with someone else first. I thought it was a neat rule from the first time I heard about it (I was a teen at the time).

This. I've heard of many situations where this rule was used successfully.

Also, I think having an FHE meeting on dating would be helpful, specifically so that everyone can get a chance to find common ground on just what "dating" means. It's amazing how many different ways that word ends up getting interpreted, even among members of the church. You can use your FHE meeting as an opportunity to stress the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet and establish the above rule from Gwen for your teen's dating habits.

If your child really likes a particular individual, they will have to make sure to find other people to take on dates in order to spend more time with him/her, and I'm sure their other half will help if it means more time together.

Emphasizing group dates is important too during high-school years. Encourage them to plan double-dates more often than single dates, possibly with a similar rule if necessary. And always, always, meet the people they are dating.

[Guest]

In a household with teen-agers, rules are begging to be broken.

I have a different philosophy: I teach the principle, the kids apply the principle. I then, need to make sure that the principle is very well taught and very well understood. The principle is not the "thou shalt nots" but the "whys and wherefores". And, I don't wait until the kids turn teens and have raging hormones before I teach the principles. I've been teaching the principles since they were old enough to understand words that are coming out of my mouth.

[Guest]

I knew I wasn't supposed to date steady. I was a good kid. A pleaser. I had a boyfriend in high school, anyway. It was the one thing where I kept quiet and sneaked around. HOWEVER, I was really careful about my chastity, to the frustration of my boyfriend. I think that's why he broke up with me after 3 years, but I also think I kept him from something to ruin his plans for a mission. His parents did enforce the 2-date rule, but again, we found ways around it.

My parents taught me principles and why they are important. Going to the temple and keeping myself clean and pure was instilled in me from the time I could understand. So though I had a boyfriend, I held to those things, even when he tried to push my boundaries.

One thing I add when teaching my daughters is the unnecessary heartache of having relationships so early. I went through a lot of emotional pain that I really shouldn't have at that age. I missed out on a lot of things (like school dances, because of his parents' 2-date, 2 dance rule. . . so he'd get to go, and I would be stuck at home or work because no one would ask out the girlfriend of the tallest guy in school) and a lot of people. I have many regrets on that end of it that I hope my kids will be willing to learn from.

[Guest]

One thing I add when teaching my daughters is the unnecessary heartache of having relationships so early. I went through a lot of emotional pain that I really shouldn't have at that age. I missed out on a lot of things (like school dances, because of his parents' 2-date, 2 dance rule. . . so he'd get to go, and I would be stuck at home or work because no one would ask out the girlfriend of the tallest guy in school) and a lot of people. I have many regrets on that end of it that I hope my kids will be willing to learn from.

Oh goodness! This is soooo true! And, my 5th grader, learned that first-hand just 2 months ago.

I have to tell you this story. It's kinda wild!

So, when my son was in 4th grade, a bunch of his classmates and friends in school went on this phase of girlfriend/boyfriend thing. They paired themselves up, declared themselves in a "relationship", which meant they get to sit together at lunch and the boyfriend gets to push his girlfriend's swing at recess. Harmless stuff but perfect lesson opportunity.

Anyway, my son comes home one day and tells me he has a girlfriend. My mom-sensor fires up and I ask him to tell me everything. Anyway, I go volunteer to chaperone a field trip to observe what these kids are doing, I got to meet the girl and she tried her best to avoid me and my son. I got curious... anyway, I ask my son about it and he told me that she got upset that he told his mom about the "relationship" because they weren't supposed to tell their parents. My son, of course, tells her his mom is cool (yeay! but then, he was only 9. Mom's are cool at that age) but she wasn't buying it and she nagged him all week long about it. So, my son decides to sit with other people at lunch because he got tired of her talking about nothing else but how she's mad at him... and she gets even more mad. Anyway, he breaks up with her because he got tired of having to deal with it and she went crying and pouting and got all her friends to make it rough on my kid at recess... My son tells me this and he's getting really frustrated. So, I tell him, yeah, girlfriends can be such a pain. And he tells me, yes, they are. I'm not having a girlfriend anymore until I'm ready to get married. (Let's see how long that lasts...).

Anyway, 5th grade rolls along and the girl joins the safety patrol... and last November, this girl decided to take it upon herself to write up a safety patrol ticket for my son for him calling her names. My son comes home super frustrated because he has to go to the vice principal to "defend himself" when he has done nothing remotely close to calling her anything. They're not the same class, they have different lunch hours, they barely see each other except when they pass each other in the hallways. Anyway, my son tells me he doesn't call people names ever. Anyway, he told me he can handle it himself and that he doesn't want me involved because then they'll have to call her parents too and he suspects she never told her parents about last year... Anyway, after a whole lot of "he said, she saids", it came out that she couldn't get her story straight so the vice principal "threw the case out". She ends up crying again and giving him evil looks which still goes on today...

Anyway, after he finally got through all that, he comes home and tells me, Mom, you won't have to worry about me as a teen-ager. There's no way I'm going through all that again ever! Girls are pests... So yeah, we had to have a talk about how girls are not pests and how his mother is a girl... but, I'm thinking that was a really good life experience for him.

Edited January 3, 2012 by anatess

[Blocky]

Emphasizing group dates is important too during high-school years. Encourage them to plan double-dates more often than single dates, possibly with a similar rule if necessary. And always, always, meet the people they are dating.

This is really good. I wasn't allowed to date, at all. Once a boy called the house, and it was a BIG deal, with my parents not very happy. It was so hard for me to be able to act normal around guys, my parents had me petrified of them. I really wish they'd encouraged healthy interaction with boys and in mixed sex settings. Then there was the no dating in college rule. Not just steady dating, any dating. Well, once I was 18 and out of the house, how do you think it went? Lets just say I broke the rule, plus some, and it was a hard confusing time for me.

[Bini]

The bottomline is: you can't supervise and control every aspect of your teen's life.

I was a super rebellious teen. I won't get into all the dirt but I had pretty much been there and done that, all before I turned 18. The interesting thing is, both my parents are supportive and loving individuals. I was raised in the church and taught the gospel at an early age. My parents made clear to me the rules of our house and the consequences that come with breaking those rules. And yet, I still did what I wanted to do.. So to reiterate, the bottomline is, you can't supervise and control every aspect of your teen's life. Your teenager is going to do what he or she is going to do. All that pointed out, that doesn't mean give up on encouraging right decision making etc etc. Be there for your kids, be compassionate when they make mistakes and realise they've goofed up.

[splash]

Thanks everyone for the responses!

Edited January 15, 2012 by Pegasus_