How a little selfishness can help your marriage

[MrShorty]

I just finished reading John and Julie Gottman's "10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage." One section in chapter 3 carried the above title. Usually we say that selfishness is a marriage killer, but they suggest that a little might be ok. As the Gottman's put it:

Things tend to get worse...when they turn self-denial into a habit, when self-neglect becomes a lifestyle... Overwork and continual self-sacrifice lead to resentment, emotional distance, and loss of sexual intimacy.

It shows up in several ways through the book, but it is important to state your own needs/desires for the relationship so that you can get something out of the relationship, too.

[Guest]

My natural woman just loves to be a martyr. Usually that means smiling and putting aside my own needs and shoving the resentment down deep until I explode, then hubby gets hit out of nowhere with an enormous argument. I've gotten better at not doing that, and sweet man that he his, he recognizes when I start heading down burn-out road and makes sure my bucket gets filled. Now we need to work on him being willing to do the same for himself.

[Guest]

Well... I don't do self-denial. I don't do selfish either. Eveything I do, I do because I love my family. A happy family is a happy me. My husband does the same and the kids are learning to look at things in that perspective. So, in my family, there's no room for selfishness because - We are like the Borg. What he wants is what I want and what my kids want is what I want and what I want is what they want... So yes, I may not like football much but I was sitting right there cheering Alabama on right next to my football-fanatic husband because... it's actually super cool to see him so animated and excited and hugging me like crazy for Alabama's win! And yes, we have zero ties to Alabama - they're just closer to us geographically than LSU. LOL!

[Backroads]

I think there is something to it, though I think "selfishness" is the wrong word.

I heard once that if you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. I think sometimes people burn themselves out caring for others then wonder why they feel awful.

[Guest]

I think there is something to it, though I think "selfishness" is the wrong word.

I heard once that if you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. I think sometimes people burn themselves out caring for others then wonder why they feel awful.

Backroads, I think this is related to how my mother-in-law is... She's taken charity to a different level that she wouldn't make dinner for her family for months at a time because she's busy making dinner/doing service/helping out people in the ward that needs compassionate service! She actually feels very guilty for not doing something for a family in need yet have no qualms at all that the kids are opening a box of cereal for dinner again when dad is working at night. It's not really a SELF thing... but it kinda relates, you know?

Just want to clarify - I love my mother-in-law. She's a great woman. Her logical brain just doesn't work like most people especially now that she's on heavy psychological meds.

Edited January 10, 2012 by anatess

[MrShorty]

I think there is something to it, though I think "selfishness" is the wrong word.

Maybe, but I'm not sure what other word to put there. As I've thought about it, I see a kind of continuum:

self-sacrifice/self-denial --- selflessness --- ??? --- selfishness --- narcissism?

I just can't decide if there's another word to put between selfishness and selflessness that would describe what we are talking about.

[Jennarator]

Maybe, but I'm not sure what other word to put there. As I've thought about it, I see a kind of continuum:

self-sacrifice/self-denial --- selflessness --- ??? --- selfishness --- narcissism?

I just can't decide if there's another word to put between selfishness and selflessness that would describe what we are talking about.

Personal attention? Naw sounds weird....um...self indulgence? Yeah, I give up....

[Dravin]

Maybe, but I'm not sure what other word to put there. As I've thought about it, I see a kind of continuum:

self-sacrifice/self-denial --- selflessness --- ??? --- selfishness --- narcissism?

I just can't decide if there's another word to put between selfishness and selflessness that would describe what we are talking about.

How about self care or self-maintenance? One could even be slightly whimsical and call it emotional hygiene.

[Bini]

Selfishness is the wrong word for the concept in which it's being used. Taking a "time out" or a moment to focus on yourself doesn't equate to being selfish. The word selfishness means to care only for oneself. While there are people like that, I think many of us aim to put our loved ones before ourselves, and sometimes that can become overwhelming to a point where we need a break. There's a delicate balance involved in all this. It's far too complicated to draw the line but absolutely there's truth in that you must be able to love yourself before you can love others. This means caring for oneself emotionally, mentally and physically. And that doesn't mean we step on others to do it.

[MrShorty]

Taking a "time out" or a moment to focus on yourself doesn't equate to being selfish.

I think everyone likes a little independence / free will.

I think the concept, though goes beyond having a little "me" time. When this gets really hard is when the thing we need/want/expect is something that comes from our spouse. Sex might be the top example, because our sexual relationship has to be shared -- we aren't supposed to share a sexual relationship with someone else or ourselves (at least in a conservative religious community like ours). For some people, it requires a good deal of courage (and selfishness???) just to speak up and say, "I need/want/expect (blank) from you in order to stay engaged in this relationship. I know it doesn't seem important to you, and it feels like an imposition for me to ask, but Igenuinely feel that this is needed for our relationship to thrive."

As for the "word continuum" what do you think of the term "self-interest?" For me it carries mostly political science connotations, and kind of seems equivalent to "selfishness."

[little_dog]

My fiance is super attentive to my need and I to his. We have a very strong, communicative relationship. He began enforcing this because of 2 things. We are both advocates of the 5 Love Languages and his favorite analogy, which is this; I life guard tries to rescue a drowning person. That person begins to struggle and fight against the life guard, causing him to begin to drown as well. The life guard will swim away to save his own life, then try to rescue the swimmer again. Usually the swimmer will recognize the help and acquiesce to the aid of the life guard. But had the life guard not taken the time and space to ensure self preservation, both would have drowned.

There is definietly something to be said about taking care of yourself enough so you can take care of those you love as well. And if all are communicative about needs, then everyone can work for the same goals, be happy with themselves, and be happy and willing to help others :)

Sorry for the lengthy response, just my 2 cents

[Guest]

I life guard tries to rescue a drowning person. That person begins to struggle and fight against the life guard, causing him to begin to drown as well. The life guard will swim away to save his own life, then try to rescue the swimmer again. Usually the swimmer will recognize the help and acquiesce to the aid of the life guard. But had the life guard not taken the time and space to ensure self preservation, both would have drowned.

I thought you're supposed to just bop the guy in the head to render him unconscious...

[Bini]

I think the concept, though goes beyond having a little "me" time. When this gets really hard is when the thing we need/want/expect is something that comes from our spouse. Sex might be the top example, because our sexual relationship has to be shared -- we aren't supposed to share a sexual relationship with someone else or ourselves (at least in a conservative religious community like ours). For some people, it requires a good deal of courage (and selfishness???) just to speak up and say, "I need/want/expect (blank) from you in order to stay engaged in this relationship. I know it doesn't seem important to you, and it feels like an imposition for me to ask, but Igenuinely feel that this is needed for our relationship to thrive."

As for the "word continuum" what do you think of the term "self-interest?" For me it carries mostly political science connotations, and kind of seems equivalent to "selfishness."

I don't think talking about sex, and even asking for intimacy, is being selfish. Everyone has different ways of expressing intimacy and libidos. The selfish part comes in when one or both parties refuse to work something out or compromise. After all, a marriage is about giving of yourself and not keeping of yourself or refusing to nourish the relationship. Sex is apart of nourishing a marriage and keeping it healthy. Not sure if that was what you were asking but that's my thoughts on wanting/needing sex in a marriage.