Effective counsel for in-law

[Tyler90AZ]

How can I be a good son in-law? What should I do?

How can parents be good mother-in-law and father-in-law?

The proclamation also gives this counsel: “Extended families should lend support when needed.” The most successful in-law relationships allow married children to receive and parents to offer spiritual, emotional, or even financial support as needed, but must not limit the children’s ability to act in their own fundamental roles as husband, wife, or parent. The role of the extended family in any marital relationship is to offer “support when needed” and not to give unwanted direction.

Building Good In-Law Relationships - Ensign Mar. 2000 - ensign

Does that counsel hold true?

[applepansy]

Tyler, Are you looking for talks to give to your MIL?

The talk is a good one but it won't be well received. "A person convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." --Unknown

Speaking from personal experience, you cannot change anyone but yourself. Your MIL will choose to respect you or not. You then have the opportunity to choose your response. But trying to change her mind about you isn't a good idea. It doesn't matter if your are right and have all the past Prophets on your side. She gets to choose how she feels about you. You can influence but not change her mind.

The best way to influence anyone is by our actions, not our words. Model the behavior you want to be defined by. I suggest setting appropriate boundaries agreed upon by you and your wife. Let your wife deal with her mother. Don't argue about it. Just act in a Christ-like way to protect your family.

Eventually ... hopefully ... your MIL will come to see you for the person you want her to see.

[NeuroTypical]

How can I be a good son in-law? What should I do?

You can move to another state, and help your wife honor her father and mother from arms length, from a position of strength. I am constantly amazed how much garbage and nonsense and grief we no longer have to go through, with 668.6 miles and a big honkin' mountain range between their front door and mine.

How can parents be good mother-in-law and father-in-law?

Heh - that's only a valid question from you, when your kids get married.

[Tyler90AZ]

No, not at all what I was trying to do. I was wondering if that counsel is good counsel for MIL, as I believe some lds forum members are MILs. I was also looking what I could do to be a good sil. I am not worried about how she feels about me, I am concerned how she is jeopardizing my marriage and children's health. I am basically trying to figure out if her actions are appropriate as a mil and mine as a sil. Also if she visits this site maybe she will take heed to the counsel.

[Guest]

My husband loves his MIL. :) My parents stay out of things. They live 20 minutes away, but don't inject themselves into our lives. She calls to see how I'm doing, I call her, we visit so that they can see the grandkids. They only offer advice when we ask for it, and even then it's from a "here's what I've done/would do" and then they leave us alone to make the decision. That's the kind of in-law I want to be.

My MIL would be overly involved in our lives if we let her. They live close, but over the years I've established boundaries. They know we prefer them to call before coming over. They know I expect them to treat my kids fairly (they used to play favorites really badly, but that stopped with my kids when I let her know in no uncertain terms what would happen if that continued). They used to want to know way too much about how much DH made, what we did with it, what we were doing at any given time, etc. But because we refuse to indulge that (for the most part. . . DH still tends to share too much), they've learned by our actions that things are smoother and they see us more often when they mind their own business.

You need to make and enforce boundaries with them. Not to teach them a lesson, but to have harmony within your marriage and your life. If you can't create that distance while living nearby, create it physically. Your energy trying to teach them or convince them is entirely wasted. You can only control what you can do.

[applepansy]

No, not at all what I was trying to do. I was wondering if that counsel is good counsel for MIL, as I believe some lds forum members are MILs. I was also looking what I could do to be a good sil. I am not worried about how she feels about me, I am concerned how she is jeopardizing my marriage and children's health. I am basically trying to figure out if her actions are appropriate as a mil and mine as a sil. Also if she visits this site maybe she will take heed to the counsel.

If her actions are unselfish and Christ-like then yes. If they aren't then no.

I hope if she runs across the article that it will be helpful.

[Guest]

Eowyn, not to rag on you girl, I just want to take one of your statements as a springboard to what I'm going to say. I didn't quote it directly to make sure it is clear that I'm not directly responding to you.

"They know we prefer them to call before coming over."

This is such an alien concept to me. I am lucky that my husband understands the difference in our culture. In Filipino culture, family don't have to call to come over. They can just show up anytime they feel like visiting. Of course they also know that I don't have to talk to them when they come over if I don't feel like it.

My parents live with me 6 months at a time. Yes, they sometimes overstep boundaries, yes, they sometimes have negative comments about how I raise my children, yes, they sometimes get in-between my husband and I's arguments, yes, they sometimes become critical of my husband and children... but they're family! They're entitled to their own opinion. Yes, I left them to marry and have my own family, but I didn't stop being their daughter when I got married. I never have to call to go visit my parents, so they don't have to call to come visit me. I still have my old room in their house that I can crash in, my parents have a room in my house they can stay in. Nothing much has changed in our relationship.

BUT... what has changed is the addition of my husband and children into the family. My husband is as much their son now as my brothers and that position demands respect. But, my parents' bad interference/actions/etc., is not my husband's problem. It is my problem. If my husband has a problem with it, then I have to do something about it - either to try to get my husband to understand, or to try to get my parents to back off. Either way - it is my problem and I have to resolve it. My husband's interactions with my parents are always positive.

My dad is the most controlling person on the planet. That's just the way he is. I know that since I lived with him all my life and I know how to handle it. My husband is new to that but he learned that that's just who my dad is, unfortunately. So, my dad tries to control us, my husband makes his position clear to me, I get to be in the terrible spot of having to figure out how to be stronger than my dad without disrespecting him. It is difficult but it can be done. It's really not much different than standing up to him while a teen-ager except, when I was a teen-ager I had to pull all this dramatic effects like staying out overnight, skipping school, etc. (yeah, young and stupid). I'm more mature now and can stand up to him with a smile on my face.

My mother in law is something else. I was devout Catholic. She tried to get me to convert. Hah! So, I told my husband in no uncertain terms. If I'm at her house and she tries to talk LDS to me, I'm walking out the door immediately. And if she's at my house, she's getting kicked out. My husband dealt with it, I never had to worry about it.

We're not too possessive of the children. Friday night is date night. In laws get to have the kids. They, of course, have a different idea of how to raise children. I shouldn't be surprised, my husband and I are the product of their "raising technique" and we know how they raised us... which is exactly why we're trying out our own method in the first place. Anyway, we decided to leave the kids with in-laws, we therefore respect that they're going to do what they want to do with the kids. It's fine with me. The children knows the difference between grandma's rules and our rules. What they learn in my house supercedes anything they learn in grandma's house. Well, if grandma is living with us, it's a bit trickier.

But hey, I'm Filipino. We're a different culture.

[Guest]

Yes, you are Filipino, and that's a totally different culture. But it's also specific to the people we're dealing with.

Maybe it's an injustice that I don't care if my parents drop by. But they don't abuse that. With DH's family, we have to overshoot so that they'll land somewhere in an acceptable middle. I also know that if my mom comes over and my kitchen is a mess, she's not going to say something snarky to make me feel badly about my housekeeping. She'll get that I get bogged down with 2 babies and my other kids, and she'll probably even help clean it. MIL, on the other hand, has made nasty underhanded comments, and if she ever lifted a finger to help me, I'd probably pass out from shock. She just likes to tell me that she doesn't remember it being that bad when she had twins. Well, she had hired help, and also has a selective memory. . .

I didn't start out this way. They used to live out of town and I'd gladly take them in for weeks at a time with little notice. But after all of the nastiness I've been on the receiving end of from MIL and her daughter, I built up big strong walls because I needed to for my sanity and eventually for my kids' literally safety and well-being.

Call it rewarding good behavior or punishing bad or whatever. There are good reasons I haven't even touched on that we do things the way we do. I wish we could just have an open-door policy with all family, but the fact is, we can't. This is our home. Our home and the people in it will be treated with respect, just as we do in others' homes, or the door is over there.

[Bini]

How can I be a good son in-law? What should I do?

How can parents be good mother-in-law and father-in-law?

Regardless of your title (Husband, wife, MIL, FIL, etc) having "respect" should apply to everyone and that's what makes the difference in our relationships.

My husband and I have been married for about four years now. Both our mothers can be extremely nosy and in-your-face. My husband is much more tolerant of their antics but he's a patient man in general. I, on the other hand, have a short fuse and am easily riled up by both of them. But what has saved us is the terms and conditions we have decided upon as a "couple" when interacting with his mother and my mother. No matter what, he's got my back 100% and I got his back 100%, even if that means hurting mum's feelings. Of course, you never intentionally want to hurt others feelings but when it boils down to picking a side, it should be with your spouse. As time has progressed, both MILs have learned that my husband and I have an unwavering support system for each other. In addition, they no longer try to privately pull us aside individually and talk us into stuff without the other (me or my husband) knowing because all the decision making involves both of us, and nothing is ever decided upon without consulting each other first.

All that said, it's not easy being around either MIL for an extended period of time. What helps me, as an individual, is to remember that when I am a guest in her home, I am respectful towards her and I don't challenge her ideals and beliefs. If I feel I am being taken advantage of or being attacked, I have the freedom to walk out her front door, without having to get into a verbal sparring match. Likewise, with our (my and DH's) terms and conditions, we only request the same courtesy and respect in our home when they visit us. If they don't, they are not welcomed back. Plain and simple.

[applepansy]

Eowyn, Your story sounds like mine in a broad sense. Not the specifics.

I finally had to t ell my MIL if front of FIL, hubby and kids "if you can't call before you come over, don't come." It just got to be to much.

Anatess, Open door policies aren't just Filipino. My husband's family believe in always being able to walk in. It hasn't mattered that my in-laws have been asked repeatedly by other in-laws and grandchilldren to PLEASE call! They have even walked in the door and on into my bedroom more than once. My MIL once walked into my BILs house to find his wife cleaning the house ... but she was naked. LOL That cured her from not calling before visiting there.

Its easy to have an open door policy with people who respect boundaries. Its impossible with people who don't.

[applepansy]

My sister has this sign... I want one too.

[Guest]

Yes, you are Filipino, and that's a totally different culture. But it's also specific to the people we're dealing with.

Maybe it's an injustice that I don't care if my parents drop by. But they don't abuse that. With DH's family, we have to overshoot so that they'll land somewhere in an acceptable middle. I also know that if my mom comes over and my kitchen is a mess, she's not going to say something snarky to make me feel badly about my housekeeping. She'll get that I get bogged down with 2 babies and my other kids, and she'll probably even help clean it. MIL, on the other hand, has made nasty underhanded comments, and if she ever lifted a finger to help me, I'd probably pass out from shock. She just likes to tell me that she doesn't remember it being that bad when she had twins. Well, she had hired help, and also has a selective memory. . .

I didn't start out this way. They used to live out of town and I'd gladly take them in for weeks at a time with little notice. But after all of the nastiness I've been on the receiving end of from MIL and her daughter, I built up big strong walls because I needed to for my sanity and eventually for my kids' literally safety and well-being.

Call it rewarding good behavior or punishing bad or whatever. There are good reasons I haven't even touched on that we do things the way we do. I wish we could just have an open-door policy with all family, but the fact is, we can't. This is our home. Our home and the people in it will be treated with respect, just as we do in others' homes, or the door is over there.

The very first time my mother stayed with me for 6 months after I got married, the first thing she says every morning is, "I can't believe you still don't have a cream and sugar server!". And then... "you call this breakfast? No wonder your husband is so skinny!". And to my husband, "You need a better job. My daughter is an engineer, she deserves better!". My husband and I just look at each other and laugh. My husband's reply: "Oh mom, you have such a funny accent!"... anyway, she's just being Mom - she has her daily idiot moments. My husband and I are practitioners of the you-can't-change-anybody-you-can-only-change-how-you-react-to-them church.

So then, my mom and I would get into this screaming argument (I have anger management issues) and I would go to my husband to get him to side with me and he just says, "don't look at me, she's your mother."

And then there was this one time that my dad got upset with my husband over a chess game and started ranting and raving and calling the airlines because he's going back to the Philippines that same minute... It was sad and funny at the same time. Anyway, my husband signaled to me he's just fine, so I let my dad carry on. I learned long time ago that my dad is all bark, no bite. Anyway, my husband, poor guy, sat through the verbal attack and after my dad ran out of steam, all he said was, "so, you want to finish the game?" like nothing happened.

OK, I have to say, I have the best husband on the planet. My family is very important to me and they are quite dysfunctional. I am super blessed to have a husband who accepts their weaknesses and loves them regardless. But then, I'm the worst one in the family and he's married to me. You know, I think it's my husband's supreme self-confidence and self-esteem that makes him this way. Like when my mom ragged on him about his job, it doesn't offend him because he is secure in the knowledge that he's taking care of our family just fine. You know, I guess my husband is kinda like Tebow... He gets harassed week in and week out and it doesn't faze him. But then, my family is not super bad. They just have their moments of insanity. If they were just plain cruel, I'm fairly certain he'll declare our house Fort Knox.

[Tyler90AZ]

Well I have it set up where we can be out of here within 24 hours, with nothing significant lost. However, I am going to give this situation one more try, for my wife and schooling. If it gets significantly better I don't ever see us moving from Az, to Utah at the most. If it sorta gets better I will wait until next semester to move. If it doesn't get better, I will move quickly.

My new game plan:

Thanks to enlightenment from God I have come up with this plan. I call it the overly sympathetic plan. I will have sympathy for her situation, maybe her life isn't the way she wants it. Therefore, she has to control my life. Maybe she is depressed or something worse. Every time she does something against my marriage or children, I will think to myself she has problems in her life, therefore, wants to make mine heck. This plan will help me be slow to anger, since I feel bad for her. I think it is not only a good strategy, but the truth. What a blessing!