Dad With Custody

[idahodad]

Ok so here's my question. I recently found myself single after almost 11 years of marriage. We were both return missionaries, and sealed in the temple. One day out of the blue she told me she wanted a divorce and within weeks she moved out and in with her boyfriend. She stopped wearing her garments, handed her recomend back to the bishop and said she didn't want to be a member anymore. She left me with full custody of my 3 kids (10, 8, and 6) and barely sees them anymore. So now as a single dad I wonder how I'm going to be seen by women in the church. Are they going to avoid me because of my kids? I've gone to a few singles firesides but that's about it. I just worry that when they find out I have full custody of my kids they will run! Anybody with any experience like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[miztrniceguy]

no experience, but i wish you the best of luck.

[Brother Dorsey]

Ok so here's my question. I recently found myself single after almost 11 years of marriage. We were both return missionaries, and sealed in the temple. One day out of the blue she told me she wanted a divorce and within weeks she moved out and in with her boyfriend. She stopped wearing her garments, handed her recomend back to the bishop and said she didn't want to be a member anymore. She left me with full custody of my 3 kids (10, 8, and 6) and barely sees them anymore. So now as a single dad I wonder how I'm going to be seen by women in the church. Are they going to avoid me because of my kids? I've gone to a few singles firesides but that's about it. I just worry that when they find out I have full custody of my kids they will run! Anybody with any experience like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Well, Brother...I went through a similar situation a number of years ago.....although at the time neither of us were endowed...she left me after 15 years and moved in with her boyfriend and had her name removed from the church records...she also left the children with me...7 and 9....! I can tell you how to get through this...DO NOT GIVE UP...endure this trial in your life...be a dad...be a priesthood holder and the Lord will bless you and your children with an eternal companion and a loving stepmother. I was 40 years old when this happened.....and it took me less than a year to find the one I am now sealed to...she is a wonderful mother to my children, a faithful member of the Kingdom and mine all mine!!!! DO NOT GIVE UP....trust me, he will bless you...take your time.....go to stake and ward singles functions....check out LDS singles on line.....don't be in a hurry.......I commend you for your faith and fatherhood......the Lord will reward you....he really will! May God bless you and your children in your search!

[rosie321]

So now as a single dad I wonder how I'm going to be seen by women in the church. Are they going to avoid me because of my kids? I've gone to a few singles firesides but that's about it. I just worry that when they find out I have full custody of my kids they will run! Anybody with any experience like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated

.

Some might cut and run.. but all you need at this point is one to stay.

You may have to go through a lot of junk to find the special treasure that is there for you. "All things are possible, all things aren't profitable"

Don't expect people to cut and run automatically. That could turn people off. It says a lot for the guy who is willing to stick it out and do the best he can for his kids. Single parenthood is VERY hard and its much harder for guys since most programs and activities are geared towards moms and kids. Women are less apt, I think to be turned off since they are by nature more nurturing and compassionate (unless your kids are complete hellians and you don't try to direct them at all. Then even the best may be pushed away). Women would be drawn to that nurturing side of you.

Its so much more challenging for a guy to even get custody of the children. So that says a lot too about you as a person.

Your kids would probably be an assett to you in your efforts then a hindrance.

If you made any mistakes with you ex then learn from them but don't let them weigh you down in your future relationships.

Always be very careful of not comparing a new partner or potential one with your ex.

Maybe its just me , but I think I would be more fearful for a women being in this predicament not being able to find someone. Women tend to be more compassionate and sensitive, guys more legalistic. They would probably be less likely to want to take on the added responsiblity.

Its too bad your ex threw everything away and doesn't care. These type of stories upset me because I have dealt a lot with the aftermath of such situations. Unfortunately its becoming all the more common...

Hang in there. Stay faithful. Keep pressing forward being a constant strength and guide towards your children.

Will be praying for you its defineately not an easy spot to be into.

[Fiannan]

Are you joking? I have known men who have volunteered to watch their nephews and nieces, take them to the park or mall, and wind up with several phone numbers from attractive women each time they go on the hunt (kids are chick magnets as my sons would say). Yeah, there are a few women who will run away from you but there are many more that will run towards you. There are even some you might want to watch out for that will want a relationship with you just FOR your kids -- if she loves you that is fine but some will want to marry you despite of you.

What is your age? One problem age for men in the Church is the 30s. You are seen as too old for the young singles activities but you are way too young for the depends crowd that many stakes have in the "special interest" groups. It's no problem in an area with a large LDS population, but if LDS are few and far between you need to maybe consider things like LDS Singles or other LDS singles meeting places online. A friend of mine with 4 kids and in his mid 30s put his profile on one of these sites and got hits from interested LDS women ranging in age from 18 to his age. He finally met someone there and married her and they have several kids of their own now.

[idahodad]

Unfortunately I find myself in that age group that fits into that empty space that lies between singles groups in the church. I'm 33 and with 3 kids I don't really fit in with the 18-31 group because most of them have never been married and have no kids. And most of those in the 31 to infinity group are closer to infinity than they are to my age. I guess that takes the pressure off of me when I go to singles activities in the church. It's kind of like dancing with my mother most of the time! I've only been to a couple of activites but I usually find myself to be the youngest one there.

In my area they don't have a single adult ward so really the only choice is to go to the dances every Monday, Wednesday, some Thursdays, and Fridays. Oh and those on Saturdays too. And I forgot the dance lessons on Tuesdays! I think that pretty much covers all of the singles activities in my area. Not being much of a dancer that kind of leaves me on my own!

I admit the one good thing about being divorced is that it has made my testimony grow so much recently. It's allowed me to open my eyes and see my kids for who they really are. It's allowed me to want and try to become the father that I always wanted to be. I feel like I've grown so much recently. It makes me so glad that I am a member of this church.

It is funny how people at church seem to avoid me now. I think it's because they don't know what to say for fear of making me feel bad, or hurting my feelings somehow.

I just hope that in the future I will find someone who will love my kids as much as I do. And I hope to love her children as much as I do my own.

[Fiannan]

Idahodad, you are only 33? You could be dating women from 18 to infinity!

I was once told by a patriarch that age doesn't matter -- even if you are dating a 20 year old she may be older than you if you could the pre-existence.

As long as you aren't one of those guys who figures he has kids and all he wants is a young wife (but she can just forget about you giving her any kids of her own) then find ways to meet the younger women.

[idahodad]

As for having more kids, well before I got divorced I had pretty much decided that I was done. But now I think that when I get remarried I will probably want to have more with my new wife. But I don't know. I guess I am up for the possibility. As for dating an 18 year old... well my little sister is 20 and dating someone her age just seems.. well seems kind of young. But then again her boyfriend is 25 so who knows!

[Winnie G]

Dear Idaho dad

I think your amazing! I have a son-in-law who is in your shoes.

I going to tell you what I tell him, women are not crazy about seeing a good thing un-married for too long.

To LDS women its like blood in the water you let a few of your married buddies know your looking and their wife’s will do the rest. They will make it happen.

Go to every ward function, be out there, they cannot find you if your not there.

The Lord will provide,

[Brother Dorsey]

As for having more kids, well before I got divorced I had pretty much decided that I was done. But now I think that when I get remarried I will probably want to have more with my new wife. But I don't know. I guess I am up for the possibility. As for dating an 18 year old... well my little sister is 20 and dating someone her age just seems.. well seems kind of young. But then again her boyfriend is 25 so who knows!

33? Your 33? Your just a kid! Dude, if I was 33 and divorced and had 3 kids I would definitely be hanging out with the 18 to 31 year olds....you might just be really surprised. Here's a secret...when most LDS women reach 26-27 and are not married they start getting desperate....just kidding. I'm just saying don't limit yourself to one certain age group within the church. Take your time, be a father first and a priesthood holder.....keep the faith and the Lord will provide.

[Dror]

Ok so here's my question. I recently found myself single after almost 11 years of marriage. We were both return missionaries, and sealed in the temple. One day out of the blue she told me she wanted a divorce and within weeks she moved out and in with her boyfriend. She stopped wearing her garments, handed her recomend back to the bishop and said she didn't want to be a member anymore. She left me with full custody of my 3 kids (10, 8, and 6) and barely sees them anymore. So now as a single dad I wonder how I'm going to be seen by women in the church. Are they going to avoid me because of my kids? I've gone to a few singles firesides but that's about it. I just worry that when they find out I have full custody of my kids they will run! Anybody with any experience like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My situation is not the same as yours--I'm a widower, and don't have kids--but I do share a similar concern: how do women see me? I'm in my late 30s, and so too old for the YSAs, and too young to fit in at the local Single Adult activities.

As for the kids, I can't imagine why a woman would run because you have kids. I'm sure you'll be able to find another companion without too much trouble.

BTW, I have a great deal of respect for you, taking care of your kids and all. It's no small responsibility. My mother was a single mother and I'm just amazed that she was able to keep afloat and take care of us like she did. Women understand that, I think, and will respect you for it.

Dror

[Fiannan]

Wow, I was just talking with an athletic, 31 year old blond Swede (who is actually into marriage and family -- yeah I'd better point out that she is into marriage with a man, as in Sweden you need to point that out) who is interested in meeting a man who is not wimpy (again, you have to know Swedish men to know the context behind that). She is not a member but I did ask her if the idea of learning about a religion might interest her -- and I pointed out that I am a member and that didn't turn her off -- I am the only member she knows but I told her that any LDS guy I might connect her with probably has about the same view of life and family I have.

Interested in an e-mail correspondance? Send me a private reply. I would be able to at least get you connected and you could take it from there.

[TXRed]

I recently found myself single after almost 11 years of marriage. We were both return missionaries, and sealed in the temple. She left me with full custody of my 3 kids (10, 8, and 6) and barely sees them anymore. So now as a single dad I wonder how I'm going to be seen by women in the church. Are they going to avoid me because of my kids? I've gone to a few singles firesides but that's about it. I just worry that when they find out I have full custody of my kids they will run! Anybody with any experience like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Idahodad,

I've not had to deal with your particular situation, but one of my daughters is divorced with two children, and I am aware of her concerns that actually parallel your own. In fact, she once said that she did not want anyone to know she had kids in the beginning, because she did not want them to fall in love with the kids first or for the kids to be hurt by someone who tried too hard to please her by trying to please the children to get to their mom. As a mom, her children have to be her biggest concern, and you have that same responsibility as a Dad and the primary care giver. Your kids need to be your number 1 focus right now especially at their age.

There is a man in my town that has custody of his daughter, and I have to tell you that just the fact that he has custody and spends so much time with his daughter and her friends taking them to the ball games, etc. really makes me admire this man. He is older, but his daughter is only 11, and he has been divorced for a number of years now, but he has yet to start dating. He just has not felt that it was his top priority in life.

My daughter has been separated from her ex for over two years now. The ex moved in with someone and married in less than a year from the actual divorce. The only time he wants to see or talk to the children is when he wants to try to bully my daughter.

She has gone on the singles internet sites, and she has chatted with a few people. She actually went out on a date recently, but the guy wanted to spend their time discussing their ex's which is a big turnoff. He also was extremely rude and did not even have the common courtesy to open the doors for her when they went into buildings. Daughter wanted to just go have an enjoyable evening with someone and not discuss their previous lives and woes.

She has been to some of the younger adult activities and some of the older adult activities. She feels like you do. . . . . .that she does not quite fit in in either group. (age 28)

As her mother, I worry about her meeting people on the internet, and I try to encourage her to be very cautious. I just wanted to tell you that, as her mother, if I met you and you seemed like a nice guy and one who goes to the Temple, I would be encouraging her to go out with you. The fact that you have custody of three children would weigh heavy (on the positive side) with my feelings about her dating you. To me, a man who is "man" enough to take care of his children and who actually has custody of them is someone who ranks high in my opinion.

My own background is that I grew up with men relatives who believed that children were to "play" with occasionally once they got to a certain age. These men did not believe that it was in anyway their responsibility to help take care of the children. In fact, they actually spent a great deal of time putting my husband down because he helped with caring for and raising our children. It was very comforting for me to know that if anything happened to me even in childbirth, my hubby would take the newborn home and take care of it and the rest of the children. He would not have allowed anyone to step in and take over which would mean that the children would have lost both parents at one time. (My aunt was raised by her aunt, and her sister was raised by a different aunt, because the father felt he couldn't cope when the mother died. So; my aunt actually lost BOTH of her parents and her sister at one time since she rarely ever saw her father or her sister.)

My personal opinion:

Go to the Temple often

Pray constantly that the Lord will bring the right person into your life at the right time

Prepare yourself to be the best father and husband you can be

Honor your priesthood and let your children see how important your priesthood is to you

Don't worry so much about how others will see you. . . . do what you know is right and take care of your

family first

Do your best to do all of the things that the Church has taught you over the years and strengthen your family

Go to the Temple often . . . . . yes, I know I already said that one, but you can go pour out your heart to the

Lord there, plus, you never know. . . ... that may be the place to meet that special someone. (yes, I

know that you normally don't meet anyone while at the Temple, but when your ward organizes Baptisms

or Temple Excursions, a lot of times they will organize them with other Wards and will go out to

dinner afterwards where you can meet and talk. Plus, you might meet in the cafeteria and be introduced

by someone you know. It can happen if you leave it up to the Lord.

One thing about it, if you meet someone at the Temple, at least, you know they have a Temple

Recommend. Plus, if you are Temple worthy, there is no sense in dating anyone that is not.

Be sure to pray constantly even once you've found someone to date. And, after a few dates, consider

approaching the idea of praying together or going to Church functions together.

Once you find someone you enjoy going out with, be sure to go out with them in many different types of

settings. See how they act around your friends or around their friends. See how they act during various

activities such as bowling, dancing, horseback riding, etc., etc., etc. See if they only like expensive

dates or are they satisfied with various types of dates.

I always told my girls that if a guy does not spend money on you while you are dating, he sure won't once

you are married. One of my ex son in laws would take my daughter to a fast food joint and buy her a

child's meal. (while he ate whatever he wanted to) He rarely took her anywhere, and when they married,

he did not even support his family most of the time. (Plus, he was very quick to ask hubby & myself for $,

food, whatever he wanted.) Don't misunderstand, I don't want my girls to be money grubbers. I want

someone to treat them like they are special, because they are. I want the guy they date to take them to

nice restaurants (on occasion), take them on creative inexpensive dates but make them feel special,

spend time with them and with their friends. And, of course, for the daughters that are now single Moms,

I would want someone to get to know them well and then get to know their children.

Dating as a single parent is a whole different ballgame, and it just involves a lot more than dating as a single adult. It's a package deal. You not only have yourself to consider, you have your children's welfare to consider. Take it slow. Be prayerful. Be patient. The Lord has someone out there for you. You have to be patient and prepare yourself to be the best catch you can be, and then, HE will send the best one for you to you when you and she are both ready.

Peace,

TXRed

P.S. Remember that common good manners never go out of style

[Guest Monica]

Kids are awesome, and a man who takes care of his children after his wife abandonned them is irrestable. You are a good man and any good woman would love to have you and your children as her own.

[idahodad]

I have to admit that I am encouraged by all the replies that I got. When this all started happening a former bishop of mine asked me what I was going to do if this "went the distance"? He asked if I was going to draw closer to the lord or move away like so many do in situations like this. I'm grateful that he asked me that because it made me stop and think. This trial in my life as caused me to become so much closer to the lord than just about any time in my life before. It's driven me to become very active in the church. I've begun to go to the temple on a regular basis. And above all, I'm learning to become the dad I always wanted to be. I've opened my eyes to what is truly important in this life.

Anyways I'm hoping to meet someone who has a true testomony of this gospel. Someone who will honor the covenants made in the temple. I've kind of made myself a list of things that I'm looking for and church is #1 on that list.

I haven't done much looking because right now I'm mainly focusing on my kids and trying to get life back to a semi normal state. I've only been to a couple of activities, and they were quite interesting. I haven't been on any dates, and truthfully I cant wait to have someone that I can consider as my "girlfriend"! And after today I want someone even more. Because my little sister came over to my house to spend the night tonight. And we've spent most of the evening talking about her "Man"! As a matter of a fact as I write this it's 11:25pm and she's on the phone in the other room talking to him. And it looks as if they are extremely serious. His father was my bishop when I left for my mission. So needless to say I have the utmost respect for his family. So after talking to her and hearing how excited she is, it's made me realize how much I miss having someone special to spend time with.

Sunday my bishop called me into his office and asked me if I was ready for a calling. I told him I would love to take any calling he gave me. He said he doesn't have anything for me yet, but he's thinking that I would be a good person to take over the wards single adult representive calling. Seeing as she just got married! I guess that would kind of put me out there on the "market" because I would have to go to most of the activities.

I thank you all for your replies and positive comments! And if any of you know of any single lds ladies in the Boise, Idaho area, well send me a message!

[TXRed]

And if any of you know of any single lds ladies in the Boise, Idaho area, well send me a message!

Sounds like you are working on the right track. She will show up when the time is right. Be patient.

Peace,

TXRed

[Gwen]

if you are getting called into singles then you must look into conferences. i don't know where all this is done, but here in the southeast we have all weekend conferences, most in the summer time or holidays. usually there is a fee for the conference and it covers several meals, and a hotel stay. you register on friday night, there is a dance, then breakfast (sometimes covered by the hotel), seminars, get to know ya activities, luch, free time, dinner and a dance that night, then a sunday sacrament mtg. the one's here are great. ppl come from all over. then there are the mini conferences, saturday only, find your own place to stay. and yes, all ages attend, most are combined ysa and sa so it's not to uncomfortable for the inbetween years. :)

for example, i attended conferences or saw ppl from all these places at any given conference.

Panama City, FL between christamas and new years

Dothan, AL in Feb.

Pensacola, FL in June (i think)

Atlanta, GA in July

Mississippi

Tenn

Carolina's

Even a car load from Texas

Huntsville, AL

Basicly all over the south east. i drove up to 6 hours for a conference. in fact i met my husband (who had a son by the way) at one i drove 3 hours to and he had driven 2 hours from the other direction. so it was a little difficult to date over 5 hours but that is what you do if you want a member of a certain standard and you don't live in the mormon capital of the world.

does anyone else have these conferences?

we have missionaries from out west ask us all the time, how do you find a member to marry around here, there just aren't that many members? i just laugh and say you learn to love driving.

[sgallan]

Well I don't know how it works in LDS circles, but I basically gave up on relationships and dating. I had no problems finding relationships but they were a mess. So I was no longer interested and then suddenly I had more than one wanting to date me at a time. All 10-15 years younger at that. Well I don't do the more than one at a time ting - it is rude- and wasn't all that interested. But one was so nice, and sweet, that I find myself a relationship, and seem to have picked up a couple of rowdy boys (2 and 3) in the bargain. I had mom and that family put them on a regular nap/bedtime/discipline schedule, and they seem to be settling down. Heck, I am in the process of relocating and she's even cool with that. Plus Reni loves her and likes the boys. Go figure how all this worked out.

FWIW, I am technically still married, but the ex has fallen off the face of the earth (she's a drug addict), so getting the actual divorce has proven problematic. I guess that sort of thing would be more problematic in LDS circles.

[Guest MrsS]

FWIW, I am technically still married, but the ex has fallen off the face of the earth (she's a drug addict), so getting the actual divorce has proven problematic. I guess that sort of thing would be more problematic in LDS circles.

Can't you place an ad in the legal section of the newspapers stating that you have filed for divorce and full custody of child, let it run the legal required amount of time and then when there is no response from said addict wife- you proceed on with the rest of the divorce proceedings?

I don't know what the law in Arizona is, in Oregon you must place the ad in your local newspaper and whatever paper you believe the errant spouse reads. In my case I put the ad in my counties paper and in the Oregonian. I had to let it run 3 months. Which is the same amount of time that I had to wait for the next step of the divorce proceedings had he been served in person.

As for the that sort of thing being more problematic in LDS circles - LDS are taught, cautioned, counseled and told YOU DO NOT DATE until the divorce is FINAL. So no it is not a problem. I waited nearly three years for my divorce to become final. NO - it didn't take that long legally - it took that long because I actually believed my EX when he said he would file AND pay for it. I kept waiting, and waiting. Then the "anvil" hit me in the head and I woke up- went and filed and paid for it myself.

Besides in my opinion, dating while you are still married is still committing adultery - it is a disrespectful thing to do to the person you are seeing.