I want to move on but i Can't!

[Guest Dalbinder101]

I am so tired! I don't want to do it anymore! Here is my story

Ok, I have been in love with my best friend for 5 years. The day i met her i had an almost immediate attraction. I was 16, and she was just about to turn 14. The next 3 years we talked a lot. We never really hung out except for church functions. We IM'd a lot, we face booked a lot. We had a good friendship. Those 3 years my feelings grew more and more. Then it was time for me to leave on my mission. I knew i wanted to tell her how i felt before i left. So i met her at a park and told her how i felt. It didn't go that well. She didn't really tell me anything she felt. She didn't say she wanted to be friends or anything.

When i was on my mission i wrote her a letter asking for closure. She told me that she "loved me as a friend." So the next two years we wrote and stayed in touch. Throughout my mission i had moments of feeing like i was over her then suddenly i'd wake up and my feelings would be there all over again. The last month or so of my mission i started to get nervous because i didn't know what was going to happen. I was scared that the moment i would see her again i would fall all over again. She came to the airport when i came home and sure enough i took one look at her and all of my feelings for her came back and they were stronger than ever.

I've been home for almost a year now and my feelings are still there! I asked her on a date about 7 months ago and she said she would go and then a few days later i found out she was starting to date another guy (who she is still dating) and that hurt a lot.I told her to forget about the date and I talked to her about it and she didn't really say a lot (she is really shy) although she did say sorry for hurting me, but i don't think she realizes how badly she actually hurt me. I'm really sad because ever since she started dating this other guy our friendship has gone downhill. We rarely talk, i rarely see her and i sometimes feel like i don't know her anymore. Then the times i do see her it sucks because my feelings get in the way. I want to move on i want to date other girls but my feelings for her get in the way of that! I'm scared that if i date other girls and those girls find out about my feelings for my friend that they won't want to go on dates.... I don't know anymore. I'm tired of this i hate it i tell myself all the time to move on, to get over it, that it's not going anywhere but for some reason something is holding me back... I just don't know...

[Guest]

You'll move on by doing it. Get busy doing other things, and date other girls for fun. They don't need to know your dating and heartbreak history early on. From experience I'll tell you that the best way to get over her will be to get to know other girls and find out what you're really looking for. Then when you find it, chances are you'll see that while you cared about her, she wasn't right for you after all. I pined away for the wrong guy for over 2 years. Dated a lot, realized that there were other guys out there that were more compatible and realized what I really wanted. I found the guy I wanted and I'm sitting next to him now. 14 years of marriage, 5 kids, and we couldn't be happier. The other guy would have been so wrong for me. We couldn't have been this happy together.

Just give it time and get busy! :)

[FunkyTown]

You've been pining for this girl for over 7 years and nothing has come of it. She's dating another guy, whom if history is any indication in the church, she will probably marry.(7 months is a lifetime.)

So you've got some choices:

1) You can continue to pine for this girl. It will be safe, and you won't need to put yourself out for other girls. Lotta guys do that - Where you get stuck in One-Itis because it's easier than risking rejection. Very safe, but lonely.

2) You can date other people. This'll be tough and you might get rejected a few times, but it'll turn out better in the long run.

3) You can charge in during FHE and say, "We have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth! Marry me and not this backstabbing, two-timing, steaming cauldron of bodily waste!" to the girl. While this won't resolve anything, if you record it and put it online, I will at least get a bit of a belly laugh out of it.

It's all up to you, really.

[NeuroTypical]

I was 16, and she was just about to turn 14.

...

When i was on my mission i wrote her a letter asking for closure. She told me that she "loved me as a friend."

...

I've been home for almost a year now

...

We rarely talk, i rarely see her and i sometimes feel like i don't know her anymore.

Early '20's melodrama is the most melodramatic melodrama there is. Being friend-zoned is a particular sort of pain you just don't get anywhere else. Anyway, you're in good company - this happens to lots of people. So much stuff can happen in one head, it's just incredible that people outside of that head have no clue.

I suggest one final bit of melodrama. Write her a letter telling her what she means to you, and how long you've felt that way. Propose a time and a place in case she feels the same. Tell her if she doesn't feel the same, she doesn't need to come to the place at the time to tell you so - not showing up will be the same thing as telling you so.

Then come back here and tell us how it went.

[EarlJibbs]

Perfect Video for you. (everyone else should watch it also)

FRIEND ZONE 'D! (And How To Escape) - YouTube

Honestly, just move on. You have given her chances. I dont know that I would ever mention it again to her. If she is the shy gal you explain, most likely she is going to feel pretty bad for hurting your feelings. But take her feelings into account, which she has already made known to you. I could be wrong and this could end up being a great hollywood sounding ending where you fought for the girl you loved and in the end she finally saw the light and came running to you.... but most likely not.

[ClickyClack]

You'll move on by doing it. Get busy doing other things, and date other girls for fun.

Yeah. "Getting over" someone often takes a conscious decision and effort to do so, not just passive waiting and hoping.

[Misshalfway]

Do they have a "She's Just Not That Into You" ?

Edited September 17, 2012 by Misshalfway

[Guest]

I'm a girl. This may not help you, but this is how I think... maybe this will help you get over her or something.

You say this girl is shy (I'm not).

So, there's a guy who likes me. If I'm shy and super non-confrontational, I would say things like "I love you as a friend" when this guy bares his soul to me instead of saying, "Nope, not interested", just so I won't hurt the dude. But I'm not shy, if this guy would have bared his soul to me I would say, "Don't waste your time. I'm just not into you.", hurt him once with a quick slice so he can start to get over it much quicker.

Okay, so let's follow the story...

This guy gets a hint that I'm not interested especially after I started hanging out with other dudes. So, the guy pines and gets depressed yet does nothing about it. If I ever find out about it, I'm going to lose respect for that guy. That would be my definition of "loser". Now, if the guy would pursue me (hey, I'm not married yet, I'm fair game!) trying to win my heart over... I'm going to make a double-take and think, hmm... this guy is willing to do all that stuff to be with me! Respect elevated to the 100th degree! Now, when the guy starts doing stuff to creep me out, then I'm going to think... Stalker alert!

Now, you get to decide - do you really love this girl for HERSELF or you're just loving the idea of being in love? Because, if you really love the girl and not just the idea of being in love with a girl, and you think she deserves everything you can give her, then GO PURSUE HER! Show her she deserves somebody like you! But then, I'm hoping here that you got something really great to offer the girl of your dreams. If you don't, then stop moping over a girl and work on being somebody who the girl of your dreams deserve to have.

Now, let's say you pursued her and she still goes and marries the other guy. Oh well - her loss. You gave it all you got. You spend a few days or weeks licking your wounds, improve on yourself, and get yourself ready for when you bump into the "true" girl of your dreams at the mall or something. This girl may be the one who deserves your goodness better and appreciate what you got to offer.

So yeah. Hope this helps somewhat.

Edited September 17, 2012 by anatess

[jb789]

I could be wrong, but I've read, and found through personal experience, that unhealthy attachments to other people (as in your case, that prevent you from moving forward) arise when we allow ourselves to attach to other people. Buddhist thought teaches that attachment and love are two very different things - attachment is when we feel we cannot be without someone - in essence, we don't really love them, the pain is actually self-pain: we are pained because we think we cannot live without them.

True love of a spiritual nature is not so - it respects the agency of others, and does not feel the need for reciprocation.

Anthony de Mello once said (I paraphrase), that others cannot hurt us - only our incorrect attachments and views cause us to hurt ourselves. The truth of this can be very hard to see at times, it took me several years to finally see it, but it is true nonetheless. One of the greatest things to learn is that attachment and love are two different things - attachment leads to sorrow and frustration, love leads to peace and happiness.

[idahommie]

Sorry Bud, Man up and find a woman that will love you back..........