Hello, I am new and I need some advice, Please.

[happiness12]

So I am dating a boy and before we met he was not LDS. It wasnt till after we met and started dating he took the missionary lessons and converted. I was rasied LDS. Before we met he had many sexual partners. Many just very casual and a few girlfriends that he had sexual relations with. A while After he was converted we came close to having sex but did not. It went on for a while. And now we are both working with our bishops to get back on the right path to marry in the temple. I am having a hard time though with his past sexual relations and the fact that we didnt make the appropriate choices for our situation. I am having a hard time knowing that I will not be the only one he has shared the most sacred part of him self with. And that we did things during our relationship even though it was not sex. I dont know what to think of all this. These things eat at me everyday. I want to be able to deal with this though because I do love him, and I do want to spend eternity with him, and I know I can deal with his past and our mistakes. I just dont know how. And I dont want to enter in a marriage with him while I am still hurting everyday knowing that I wont be the only one he has shared that sacred part of himself with and knowing what we did together before marriage. It hurts and I dont want to put him through me being so hurt everyday.

Edited October 8, 2012 by happiness12

[Vort]

My advice to you is to keep on the path you're currently walking.

At some point, you will need to decide how important your future husband's virginity is to you. You may decide it is an absolute requirement. If this is the case, you will have to break things off with your boyfriend. If instead you decide that you can accept a repentant sinner (in the sexual arena -- we're all sinners, and hopefully repentant, but some things are harder than others for some people to get over), then put it behind you and go forward. But in either case, don't let it eat at you. When the time comes, get it resolved in your own mind and heart.

[Misshalfway]

Welcome to the forums. It's nice to meet you.

Well, you aren't the only one whose struggled with these feelings. In fact there was another thread about almost the exact same thing.

I think that I can understand a little of what might be bothering you. If I may....I'd like to ask a little more about exactly what bothers you. Is it that you feel your sexual relationship is somehow tainted or are you worried that he might compare you to someone else?

One thing I know for sure, we all are broken in some way. We all have sins that need the help of Jesus Christ. I wish that all of us would enter marriage with a perfect law of chastity record. But many of us don't. Some of us marry someone whose been married before and is experienced that way. I don't know. We tell ourselves that we need to have that perfect story to be happy. And the truth is that none of us really gets the perfect story. Unless of course we change the way we define it. If we really believe in the Atonement then our scarlet sins becomes white as lambs wool and the Lord remembers them no more. What could be a more beautiful story than two people who understand that first hand and who enter marriage with that testimony.

Mourn the loss of what you hoped your marriage would be. And then be grateful for what you are getting. All is well. But it sounds like you need to learn how to forgive your fiance before you can fully realize that.

[Backroads]

1. Congratulations on stepping up to the plate to work with your bishops at the repentance on the current issues. You're on the right path.

2. As far as his pre-baptism sins are concerned, they are nada. He has repented of those, sounds like he is currently repenting on your current issues. Pray for the ability to look past his past mistakes.

3. Decide how crucial virginity is to your marriage qualifications. Yes, I do consider this a separate area from #2. (A personal note on here: I married a divorced guy--which meant he was not a virgin. I thought this was a boon--he knew what to do in the bedroom.)

[happiness12]

Thank you. I am not worried he will compare me to someone else. I dont know how to explain it exactly. . . I just get so upset and sad about his past. You know the most sacred part of ourselves thats only meant to be shared with one person. The person were going to spend forever with. Well the part of his self wont be only shared with me. He has shared it with many others. Other girls he didnt even care for and some that he did care for. I saved myself. I guess I may be jealous that I am not the only one that he will have shared sex with. You know? And that we did inapropriate things together before marriage.

[happiness12]

To Backroads. Thank you. I guess I have never exactly thought about how crucial virginity was for my marriage qualifications. I dont know how I feel about that? I do know though that I do not want to end things with him for that. I want to be able to deal with that.

[Misshalfway]

Thank you. I am not worried he will compare me to someone else. I dont know how to explain it exactly. . . I just get so upset and sad about his past. You know the most sacred part of ourselves thats only meant to be shared with one person. The person were going to spend forever with. Well the part of his self wont be only shared with me. He has shared it with many others. Other girls he didnt even care for and some that he did care for. I saved myself. I guess I may be jealous that I am not the only one that he will have shared sex with. You know? And that we did inapropriate things together before marriage.

Well, I'm not sure sex is THE "most" important thing we share with our spouse. It's certainly one of them. But when I got married, I dropped my guard on lots of things. Not just my sexuality. Marriage invites intimacy that means sharing all parts of yourself like fears and failings and all sorts of feelings right along with all the hopes and dreams. I call this part emotional intercourse. So.... maybe he didn't give it all to those girls. Sounds like he gave part....and took part from others. What I'm saying is there is still some sacred left for you to share with your husband (if in fact he becomes your husband. :) )

My husband was experienced before we married. He was young and stupid and he knew better. It was hard for him to tell me at first. He thought I'd freak. I didn't freak but we had to work through that and he had to learn to trust me and to forgive himself. But in the end, it made our bond stronger. Now we look at those early struggles and we laugh cuz we thought it was so big and hard. Trust me. Life can get way harder. Premarital sex is a serious sin, don't get me wrong. But it just isn't a hopeless thing. The Atonement is really does restore what was lost. It can restore that for you and your future sweetie.

[classylady]

I married a divorced man, and so he had a lot of sexual experience. I hadn't had any. And it bothered me. I thought after getting married it would get better, but it didn't. It got worse. Simply put, my husband had so many more experiences that our first time didn't even register with him enough for him to retain it in his memory. He remembers his first time with his ex wife. Wow, that's humiliating to me. I saved myself for my husband, and he doesn't even remember our first time. My husband tells me he wishes he hadn't been married before, so that our experiences would have been more meaningful to him, but he had pretty much already tried it all with his ex, so that with me it was just another chalk-one-up to the sexual experiences. I'm not saying that I wasn't special to my husband, I am, it's just that he had experienced sex so many times before, that our experiences weren't memorable to him, and didn't stand out in his memory.

You may have forgiven him, but that doesn't mean you can forget what he's done. And that goes the same for him. He has been forgiven, but that doesn't mean he's forgotten his past. It's part of his history.

Here's some advice I gave in a different post that is similar to your situation: If you decide to marry him, you will need to have a strong sense-of-self (self image). Ask yourself these questions, and I'm going to be blunt, to see if you can handle being married to someone who is sexually experienced.

When you make love for the first time, do you want to be taught, or do you want to learn together?

He will have someone else to compare you to sexually. Can you handle that? You say he won't compare you to others, and he may strive not to, but I can't see how he can help it. It's part of his history, part of himself. He's obviously going to be aware of how you respond during sex versus how some of his partners may have behaved. He can't take himself out of his past. It's there. It happened.

Every time you make love, will you wonder if he's remembering his ex partners?

If you want to try something new and innovative in your sex life, will it bother you if he's already tried it with his ex partners?

He has seen his ex partner's boobs, and other body parts. Are you going to be self-conscious when he sees you and can compare you to his exes, even if he isn't consciously comparing you?

When you buy a sexy nightie, and wear it for him, will he have any memories of his ex wearing a sexy nightie too? Is that going to bother you?

If you meet his ex partner/s one day, will you be able to handle it if they are beautiful, sexy, talented, smart, etc.? In comparing yourself to them is your self image strong enough to handle it?

Because of his experience he may have some definite ideas already in his mind of what he likes. For example, dancing for him. Will it bother you if he asks you to dance for him, and you know his ex partner danced for him?

These are just a few questions to ask yourself. There may be other questions that are pertinent to you specifically that you need to ask yourself. For some, these sort of things wouldn't bother them at all, but for others, these could be deal-breakers.

Edited October 12, 2012 by classylady

[davidg9035]

One of the things you may want to consider is that this is not only a "spiritual" issue. I can relate to this because of my own conversion when I was 20 years old. Up until the time I had converted, I was a touring rock musician - need I say more? In my case, I decided to serve a mission (at 22) and attended (and graduated from BYU). The spiritual change came very naturally to me, but the "cultural" aspect required a lot more time.

First, whether you end up marrying someone who is an active, lifelong member or a convert, you still need to do your best to measure their commitment to the gospel, since this will have a major impact on your happiness in married life (given your background). Secondly, recognize that in spite of our best intentions, habits formed over years are difficult to break. The commandment to remain virtuous before marriage does not only apply to members of the Church. And, as it does with the law of the land, ignorance of the law does not relieve us from the consequences of it, should we choose to disobey.

Repentance, which frees us from the eternal punishment associated with disobedience does little to make the consequences of our immediate sin go away. The way you describe your feelings concerns me. You mention being "hurt" several times in your message and the level of pain you seem to be experiencing leads to me to believe that you may, in fact, be setting yourself up for more hurt in the future if you are unable to resolve this in your own heart. So this really has more to do with you than it does with your boyfriend.

You have, appropriately, decided that there is a certain standard you require for your marriage. If the idea of your boyfriend's sexual experience beforehand hurts you like it does, you may be better off (especially since I assume you are young and still have many years of potential for finding a prospective mate) giving yourself some time, slowing down with the relationship, dating other people and seeing how you feel about it. There is no need for you to rush. Send your boyfriend on a mission - nothing could be better for him. Then reevaluate when he gets back. Take your time and pray about it. Avoid getting into compromising situations with this young man because it will cloud your own thinking and make it difficult for you to receive inspiration.

Above all, don't worry. You'll be fine.

[Henrietta1]

Hello,

I can understand your problem you are on the right way ........

I think you should not compare yourself with his past because he did it when you are not in his life after you entered in his life he only loves you......It's not easy to forget past thing but you can try to forgive his past and try to make a new unforgatable memories with him...

All the best!

[Pahoranite]

It sounds to me that you also need to forgive yourself. Although you didn't have intercourse, you mentioned that there was conduct for which you needed to seek repentance. If ultimately, you are not meant to be together and you find a new partner, what happens if that person has not gone as far as you already have? Does that mean you will not be worthy for him? Just another perspective to keep in mind.