Marriage and school

[Hheinze]

My circumstance:

recently married, part of YW, and going to community college.

So I have a wonderful husband but he is pursuing a lot too much... He's working ft and trying to complete a certification and the house is always a mess.. It drives me insane..

And I try to manage my time so efficiently but I feel it isn't enough. I don't feel like I have enough energy or time to take care of the home and studying. Part of it is also that I have been sick and so I have to catch up at school but I just can't help but feel like I am not enough sometimes.

My grades aren't doing well and I try so hard to keep them up but I just feel like a mess cause I'm so disorganized right now and I am not blaming just my husband, trust me... I want to change and I want my relationship with my husband to get more spiritual again...I don't manage stress well and I'm having breakdowns...

He says to just concentrate on my studies and he'll do the rest but it's like an itch I can't help scratching every time I see something messy.

My life I feel has lost complete order.

Please help.

[Guest]

Are you working as well?

I believe that whoever is home more should carry more responsibility to keep the house up. Maybe it would work for you to divide your responsibilities accordingly. Maybe it will be up to you to keep things picked up, and he can do deeper cleaning on Saturdays, for example. Or one of you shops and cooks, the other does the dishes. That type of thing.

Just remember to think of each other as partners, not rivals. Don't keep score. Seek to serve him and appreciate what he does, as he does for you. Also remember that sometimes you just have to let things go. If you're both going a million miles a minute, it's okay if there's some dust on the shelves.

[Guest]

Oh and most of all- make time for each other. Take advantage of these pre-parenthood days. Date at least once a week. Go on spontaneous weekend trips. Be embarrassingly affectionate with each other.

[Guest SquidMom]

I agree with Eowyn. If the house is a little messy, so what? It may help, at first, to make a list of chores for eachother so that both know who is responsible for what. Dedicate a certain number of hours for housecleaning, study, etc. And stick to it! If you don't get all the chores done, just let it go and finish tomorrow. Aside from dishes, maybe assign each room in the house it's own day to be really cleaned. One room, one day. The whole house gets thouroghly cleaned each week, but neither of you are wearing yourselves out.

Am I right to assume there are no children in the house? Take advantage of the fact that you are the only mess-makers, and appreciate it! Like Eowyn said, make time for eachother to relax and just enjoy yourselves. Put everything else aside for at least 30 minutes a day, an hour if you can. Go out once a week.

The fact that you are seeking to change things is a good sign. Alot of people act like problems will solve themselves, and before they know it things are spiraling out of control and they are so overwhelmed that they can't handle it. Make small changes, gradually, they will stick easier.

[Backroads]

I think this might be time to make a priority list. This is a rather chaotic time for both of you, and it might not be realistic to have EVERYTHING perfect at this time.

Spirituality comes first, followed by your relationship with your husband. Like others have said, date, be affectionate, really build the relationship foundation.

Next, school. In my opinion, that really ought to come first for both of you. I might be saying that simply because being tidy is a real effort for me, but education really needs to trump housework. However, you might need a tidier house than me in order to feel at peace and able to focus. Between you and your husband, settle on a level of order you can both live with that doesn't overwhelm you.

I also recommend The Fly Lady. She is very wise when it comes to household management and really knows how to break it down for the busy life.

[Guest]

I got through this stage of my life by just remembering this advice: "Don't sweat the small stuff.".

[Bini]

I got through this stage of my life by just remembering this advice: "Don't sweat the small stuff.".

I'm a person that sweats EVERYTHING. But to overcome this hurdle, I can only imagine the relief of not having that burden.

[RMGuy]

To the OP. I feel for you. School, work, newly married....those are a lot of plates to juggle, and it is not easy. I know that many others in the church (and out of it) have confronted these same issues.

The one thing we know is that our choices have consequences. We are told to follow the prophet and listen to his council. Sometimes I think we believe that if we do so things will suddenly be easy. Unfortunately, such is not the case. Getting married young, while still in school, on limited income is not easy. Far from it. There are many, many demands upon such a relationship. Getting used to each other and sharing decisions/responsibility with another person, balancing finances, housekeeping, studying, etc.

That probably isn't helpful, but at least it is honest. You'll get there.

-RM

[Vanhin]

We have a similar situation. I just try not to worry about it too much, and just let it be a mess. When I am home I take care of the job apparently everyone else in my house hates, the dishes... I try to keep it to myself, but I love doing the dishes, especially when the dishwasher is broke (which it is at the moment). It's just like playing in warm sudsy water, and I get to ponder the deep things of life while doing it. I love it when the counters and the floors are all clean and tidy, ready to be messed up again. Its too fun, but I try to look miserable when I'm doing it.

[Sunshine_Lily]

I completely understand your concerns because right now, my husband and I are in a very similar situation. We are both working full time and going to school part time. Our home always feels like such a disaster since we often don't have the time or energy to clean. There are many times we feel like we've bit off more than we can chew, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel....even if you can barely see it.

For me, the condition of our home was stressful because I can't stand having a dirty house. I can't focus on anything else if the condition of my home is chaos. My husband is the exact same way regarding our home. To make this situation better, my husband and I decided to keep atleast one of the main rooms clean - for us it was the living room since this is what people will see when they visit. Every day, we make an effort to focus on this one room and tidy things up, even if its just for 5 minutes. Just knowing one room in our house is organized and clean had made us feel so much better. We are hoping to add two rooms, but right now we can only focus on the one. Maybe this can work for you too!