I Think My Friend is an Alcoholic

[MorningStar]

I have never had a friend before who is a big drinker. It's a long story. I became friends with a woman who went through a major crisis and even during the worst time, she respected my boundaries. If it weren't for some very clear signs that I was meant to help her, I would have avoided the whole thing. She has PTSD and has used anti-anxiety meds that had bad side effects for her, so she started turning to alcohol, especially since she married her new husband. I talked to her one day in the afternoon and she said, "I should let you know that I'm a little buzzed right now, but not drunk." It was about 4pm and she wasn't acting quite like herself. A month or so later, I got a call from her at 2:30am and I decided to let the voicemail get it because I felt it wasn't an emergency. She was calling just to talk about how hard things were and I suspected she was drunk.

Again, I didn't hear from her for months because she has been depressed, but she called this morning at 4:30! I immediately decided not to answer. With any other friend, I would know it's an emergency, but I decided to ignore it. After voicemail picked up, she immediately called again, then again. I still felt like I should ignore it, but I did start to wonder if she had a child who needed to go to the hospital. I felt slightly guilty, but then I have two children who are sick and there's nothing I could have done for her.

So I talked to her around noon and she said she had been up packing all night and was drinking with her husband. She suddenly realized there were all of these things she hadn't told me and was excited to tell me some odd, but good news (long story).

I said, "So you called me because you were drunk? When people call at that hour, it terrifies me and I think someone died." She was embarrassed, but we did have a good conversation about things that were going on and she said she wants to come back to church, but isn't ready to live it yet. I said, "That's a start though. Maybe the desire will come later."

Still, I'm concerned about her drinking and am wondering if I should have just picked up the phone and said, "IT'S 4:30AM AND YOU'RE WAKING UP MY FAMILY!!!!" Being not experienced with drunks though, I don't know how much of that would sink in.

I know PTSD and drinking are a bad combo. Anyone have much experience with drunks? My plan for now is to say, "Call me later when you're sober."

I hate alcohol.

[Star_]

You could set your friends ringtone to no ring at night. She can still leave a message or text you. If it is real emergency she can always dial 911 or call someone else. It sounds like talking to her and being frank with her about late night calls might be a good option.

I would hesitate to tell her to call you when she is sober. Becoming sober, from my understanding, is a process. She could use a good friend's support. It won't be easy to support your friend though. You could tell her call you when she is sober. Maybe that will motivate her to become sober or maybe it will end your friendship with her. I guess you need to ask yourself how much this friendship is worth to you. It will most likely take her awhile to become sober.

Drunks have to want to change. They usually don't want to change and have to hit a turning point in order to change. Saldy, some hit rock bottom before changing. I believe it is possible to become and stay sober. Not easy, but possible. I know two people that were total drunks. They did stop drinking completely. One of them then helped many people through A.A.

[M_T_E]

When it comes to heavy drinkers, just as Star_ said. They have to want to change, whether it be through hitting rock bottom, having a major change in life, or on the rare occasion of simply opening their own eyes and coming to the realization of their self destructive habits.

I had a period of time where I was a heavy drinker, but I wouldn't of considered myself an alcoholic. Then that one special person came back into my life and saved me from myself so to speak. That was my life altering event. Now its rare I touch an alcoholic drink beyond a birthday or family get together.

AA has worked wonders on one of my friends, but he had the desire to change and better himself. He also got involved with his old church again (Baptist) which gave him a great deal of spiritual support too.

Wanting to return to church is a good first step.

[Iggy]

MorningStar ~ during the years I was inactive I was a heavy drinker. Starting 2 years after I left the church (1973 to 1983) I pretty much drank from noon on my days off and after work (6 pm) until the bars/lounges closed 7 days a week. Plus during 8 1/2 years of that time I owned and ran a Tavern, after that sold, I bar-tended & cocktailed in two hard liquor lounges for another 8 years. Been there, seen it, heard it, did it and Praise God rotated out of it.

To this day I don't know if I could have been considered an alcoholic, I quit 'Cold Turkey' in 1983, and have never had a drink since. I never craved alcohol either, I craved sugar.

Back to your dilemma ~ if possible turn the ringer off of your land line, turn the volume down on your answering machine so it doesn't wake you or the children and continue to ignore her "after hours" phone calls. Once she is intoxicated, she has no concept of time, no concept of proper social boundaries and no concept that she is not the center of the universe.

I used to call my Mom after the bars shut down, because I was still in "Chatty Cathy" mode. Mom was generally up and awake at "O" Dawn Thirty any way - 30 years of Dad working through the night and she couldn't sleep without him in bed - but no one else I considered my friend and who were tucked away sleeping, didn't answer their phones. Plus back then very few had answering machines, let alone voice mail.

When you know she is "Stone Cold" sober, tell her point blank that her wee hour phone calls when she is drunk are not appreciated, are inappropriate and will continue to be ignored.

If you are considering dancing around the politically correct thin ice of not hurting her feelings for fear of her not coming back to Church, then you are doing her no good.

Don't sugar coat your feelings, and for heaven's sake DO NOT APOLOGIZE for turning your phone off and not taking her calls.

When she is drunk, she will not "hear" your request to cease with the phone calls. It just won't stick. When she is sober, she knows what she has done, and being told that her actions are inappropriate, unappreciated, and if they continue you will take measures to have her phone number(S) blocked permanently. So to answer your question: Don't even attempt to talk to her when she is drunk. Don't answer the phone, let your machine do that. If she asks you why you don't answer, tell her that you, husband, and your children's sleep is more important than ANY phone call that comes in after bed time. From (insert time you go to bed here) the phones are turned down, the answering machine volume is turned to off and any and all calls received may or may not be returned the following morning, depending on their importance. Then stick to it.

After I had quit drinking, one of ex-hubbies friends started calling us in the wee hours of the morning, always after he had been drinking. My Mother and two sisters were in failing health- so turning the land line down seemed to not be an option. My oldest brother told me to go ahead and turn it down. IF Mom or one of the sisters went into to the hospital, or passed- not picking up the phone wasn't going to stop the death or illness. 8 AM was plenty early to be calling for that. He or little brother would be the caller and they just knew not to call until after 8 AM.

Eventually I had to pay the phone company for the feature to block calls. The few dollars a month were well worth it ~ only did it for three months. That was long enough for hubbies drunken friend to get the message. Had to block all of the bar phones, pay phones outside of all of the bars, plus his home land line.

The reason I quit drinking ~ I experienced a couple of black outs after drinking for 8 hours. I woke up at 9 AM and found myself home, naked on my living room floor. Husband was no where to be found. My car was not in the driveway. My purse was missing. Also my clothes were on the front porch. I called our friends and husband had spent the night with them, drinking until dawn - he was passed out in the yard, and no I had not been there with him ~ I had disappeared around midnight.

I had had intimate relations with someone- never knew who he was. From that day on, I never drank again. I also went to the Dr as soon as I could to be tested for SDT's. Never told husband about that either. When he demanded to know why I wouldn't drink anymore, I just told him ~ Someone had to be in control, and I was through NOT being in control of me anymore.

[NeuroTypical]

When my wife works with alcoholics, she uses a disposable cell phone with a disposable phone number. She's switched cell phones more than once.

Here's what she's willing to do:

* Person comes to her with hard luck story.

* She helps person find resources and help.

* She is willing to put up with late night phone calls, 3am crisis help, favors, whatever it takes - as long as the person is PROVING they're taking advantages of the help and resources and favors.

* Once the person starts missing meetings, or deviates from the agreed plan more than once or twice, then my wife says goodbye, and if necessary, ditches the cell phone.

Because for every one person who genuinely needs and accepts help and gets better, there are twenty people who basically live lives of constant promise-breaking and lying about needs. These people stay broken - it is their 'normal'. These folks move leechlike from host to host, bleeding them dry one body at a time before moving on to the next host.

It's hard when you know and love one of these people. But it's important to know what help looks like, and what justifying or enabling destructive nonsense looks like.

Morningstar, people who are friends with alcoholics are very, very familiar with your story.

Again, I didn't hear from her for months because she has been depressed, but she called this morning at 4:30! I immediately decided not to answer. With any other friend, I would know it's an emergency, but I decided to ignore it. After voicemail picked up, she immediately called again, then again. I still felt like I should ignore it, but I did start to wonder if she had a child who needed to go to the hospital.

I can't begin to number the times I've heard the exact same story. One lady my wife was working with decided she liked staying drunk more, so my wife said goodbye, and then the lady found my phone number and started calling me at 3am.

It takes about 3 weeks of silence, and then two months later it will start up again requiring more silence, and then one last time maybe 6-12 months after that. Then they start to get the hint.

If they threaten suicide, you threaten to call the police. If they threaten to go driving if you won't help or listen, you threaten to call the police. If they call you from the ER because 'you wouldn't help', call whatever party has stewardship over them and tattle on them. If they are supposedly grown adults, then yeah, it just takes being strong.

Edited January 20, 2013 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[MorningStar]

You could set your friends ringtone to no ring at night. She can still leave a message or text you. If it is real emergency she can always dial 911 or call someone else. It sounds like talking to her and being frank with her about late night calls might be a good option.

I would hesitate to tell her to call you when she is sober. Becoming sober, from my understanding, is a process. She could use a good friend's support. It won't be easy to support your friend though. You could tell her call you when she is sober. Maybe that will motivate her to become sober or maybe it will end your friendship with her. I guess you need to ask yourself how much this friendship is worth to you. It will most likely take her awhile to become sober.

Drunks have to want to change. They usually don't want to change and have to hit a turning point in order to change. Saldy, some hit rock bottom before changing. I believe it is possible to become and stay sober. Not easy, but possible. I know two people that were total drunks. They did stop drinking completely. One of them then helped many people through A.A.

Thanks! What I mean is, "Don't call me when you're drunk."

[MorningStar]

I really appreciate your input! Yes, this is our landline phone. I'm thinking I should turn the ringer off on the base anyway because it's in our room and I've had several friends try to text me, thinking it was a cell phone, which they also do at awful hours.

I'm not worried about offending her, but I don't want to end our friendship over her drinking. I talked to a friend today and she said maybe I should be gentle with her about it because she's fragile and I said, "No, I think it's OK if she knows I'm mad. She will have to recognize a pattern of ill behavior due to her drinking. But I'll still be her friend." The consequence of calling someone in the middle of the night because you're drunk is that they get angry.

[Iggy]

The consequence of calling someone in the middle of the night because you're drunk is that they get angry.

Ignored too.

[MorningStar]

Sweet, sweet ignoring. I've actually been working on my ignoring skills, so I think I can handle that.

[Guest DeborahC]

Wow Iggy. I thought I was the only former wild child in the house. Thanks for your honesty! And for the good advice.