Young Women Interview

[mnn727]

.sibling sexual abuse (a form of incest) is a huge problem in the church.

Really?

[Anddenex]

1. Because it's not necessarily our place. I like the idea posited earlier of having a fireside for parents about talking to your kids about these things.

And for parents who are unwilling to talk with their children even after these firesides, then what?

What defines place? Do our stewardships define our place? Will I be held accountable before my Lord, if I would have had the courage to ask an "uncomfortable" question, but I didn't because it was uncomfortable?

Isn't a bisopric's responsibility to teach correct doctrine? To teach about sin, and what constitutes sin?

2. Because in many cases, we're not as equipped to step in as we think we are. Isn't the statistic that something like 25% of females are victims of sexual assault before their 18th birthday? In that kind of situation, do I really want to start talking to sex about every teenaged female in my ward? The bishop may have to; I don't see why a counselor or any other male in the ward should have to step into that minefield.

I definitely understand any other male in the ward, however all men in a ward do not hold the same stewardship as does the bishopric. A random male member speaking with the young women, one-on-one, would be out of their stewardship, especially sensitives topics like LOC.

Thank you JAG for your thoughts. I have had two interviews thus far. I didn't speak about LOC with them. They were wonderful meetings, spirit filled.

I just think it very interesting, with regard to stewardships, when I asked our young women's presidency what should be discussed, all were in unity -- define the LOC and what it is and what it isn't.

None of them seemed weary about the conversation. One of our counselors because her parents wouldn't speak with her she shared, "When I was younger I honestly thought if a male kissed me I would get pregnant."

I have two daughters, and it would not bother me one bit for a bishopric member to reinforce the LOC with my daughters. It would add a second witness, besides "Mom and Dad."

However, I would be bothered if a random male member, took my daughter aside and began telling her about chastity.

My comfort is stewardship.

So many different thoughts and opinions, which I am grateful to read, so to better understand others and figure out what is best.

:)

[MarginOfError]

when I asked our young women's presidency what should be discussed, all were in unity -- define the LOC and what it is and what it isn't.

This seems odd to me. If they are so unified in thinking that this needs to be defined for the young women, why haven't they taken steps to define it? Or are they too afraid to have the uncomfortable conversation as well -- in which case, they need to be encouraged to recognize their stewardship and step up.

[Anddenex]

I don't mean anything against your parents here, but this was primarily a failing on your parents' part--not your priesthood leaders.

None taken, thank you for being candid. I agree, my parents should have been more open. I personally feel, it was a fail on my priesthood leaders also.

Having said that, I will reiterate that if you feel such is an issue in your (or even if you don't), then it would be prudent to schedule a fireside for the parents. You will have much better results if you can teach and inspire the parents of these girls to talk about uncomfortable topics than you will if you try to fill the hole. Remember, leadership isn't about doing--it's about helping others do for themselves.

Also, I'll add that if you really think someone needs to clarify to the young women what the law of chastity entails, that's probably handled better by a) a fireside where the information can be disseminated to the group all at once, and b) if it needs to be done on an individual basis, the young women leaders are probably in the best position to do so.

This fireside option is a great idea. I will be speaking with the bishopric regarding this. My concern, what about the parents that don't come?

I have a lot of information to discuss with the young women's presidency from the conversations here.

This will be good, to gather their thoughts about all that has been discussed today.

I am reminded constantly of Elder Brough's words, GA, when he visited our stake. He mentioned, he felt part of the plight for our young women, is that as fathers and priesthood holders we don't value the young women's program enough, to send his point home he asked one brother to stand up and quote the young woman's motto. No priesthood holder was able to stand up and quote it.

I can quote it now. I can also quote the young woman's theme. I am currently progressing through the Young Women's Personal Progress. By the end of the year, I should have earned it.

[MarginOfError]

None taken, thank you for being candid. I agree, my parents should have been more open. I personally feel, it was a fail on my priesthood leaders also.

This fireside option is a great idea. I will be speaking with the bishopric regarding this. My concern, what about the parents that don't come?

This is why I suggested asking the young women if they have talked about it with their parents. If they answer no, then I would recommend having a sit down with the parents and reminding them of their parental responsibilities. I'll admit that this is a more difficult, more time consuming, and more frustrating approach. But if pursued, I promise it will have a more enriching effect on the relationship of the parents with their children. That's definitely worth pursuing.

I have a lot of information to discuss with the young women's presidency from the conversations here.

This will be good, to gather their thoughts about all that has been discussed today.

I am reminded constantly of Elder Brough's words, GA, when he visited our stake. He mentioned, he felt part of the plight for our young women, is that as fathers and priesthood holders we don't value the young women's program enough, to send his point home he asked one brother to stand up and quote the young woman's motto. No priesthood holder was able to stand up and quote it.

I can quote it now. I can also quote the young woman's theme. I am currently progressing through the Young Women's Personal Progress. By the end of the year, I should have earned it.

This I commend and applaud. I've been telling myself for years that I need to learn these things, but I never do (probably because I take the young women program about as seriously as I take the young men program).

[dahlia]

What is this interview? Why do you have it and when? Do young men have it as well?

[MarginOfError]

All of the youth, both young men and young women, are supposed to meet with the bishop each year around the time of their birthday. On the six month mark, each youth meets with a member of the bishopric. For 16 and 17 year olds, this member is the bishop. It's supposed to be a time to check in and ask about how they are doing, and keep involved in what they have going on. Generally speaking, anything that can be said about young women interviews also applies to young men interviews.

[Wingnut]

True; though I'd want to be careful not to go too far with that. Young women should serve missions if they want to; but shouldn't be pressured into doing so. As I understand it, missionary service is primarily a priesthood duty--no priesthood = no duty. It seems to me President Hinckley touched on this in during General Conference a few years ago.

I agree, but I still think young women should prepare for missions just as much as young men do. Such preparation can only help them in life.

This seems odd to me. If they are so unified in thinking that this needs to be defined for the young women, why haven't they taken steps to define it? Or are they too afraid to have the uncomfortable conversation as well -- in which case, they need to be encouraged to recognize their stewardship and step up.

I very much agree with this. And not even thinking about it as a stewardship issue. As I mentioned before, my bishopric didn't really have any relationship with my young women while I served that calling. There were times when we, as a presidency, felt that certain topics needed addressing with certain young women. Sometimes we were concerned about chastity, but usually it was something else. But I think it's always uncomfortable when you have to address an issue head on and reprove, even with love. Unfortunately, we didn't feel that we could really lean on the bishopric, because their relationship with our young women was non-existant. I sought counsel on how to address certain issues, but my bishop usually didn't understand the context or history, because he was uninvolved with the youth. As a presidency, we almost universally agreed that one of us was the best candidate to address these issues, because we knew that our girls trusted, respected, and looked up to us. We had built relationships with them. They knew that if we had to whip them into shape (for lack of a better expression), that we still loved them, and that they weren't going to be in trouble. They didn't know that about the bishopric. Obviously, parents are always the best people to have uncomfortable-type conversations with their children, but many of my girls had inactive or non-member parents, and we were the only righteous female role models many of them had.*

I am reminded constantly of Elder Brough's words, GA, when he visited our stake. He mentioned, he felt part of the plight for our young women, is that as fathers and priesthood holders we don't value the young women's program enough, to send his point home he asked one brother to stand up and quote the young woman's motto. No priesthood holder was able to stand up and quote it.

I can quote it now. I can also quote the young woman's theme. I am currently progressing through the Young Women's Personal Progress. By the end of the year, I should have earned it.

Good for you. I'm pleased to hear this. :)

*I realize that I probably sound pretty negative about my bishop(ric). My bishop was amazing. He was a "man of the people" and not an administrator. He truly inspired people to change, which is (in my opinion) the foremost hallmark of a good leader. He taught us to think differently, and to minister to people. Learning from him served me well in my calling as YW president. He just didn't have much of a relationship with the youth, and neither did his counselors.

[Guest gopecon]

I'm the camp of if the YW leaders think their girls don't know about something (in a knowledge sense), they should be the ones who address it (or at least make the attempt). If there is a current behavior/worthiness issue, then the bishop can be brought into it.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

So not talking about LOC would be uncomfortable but talking about sibling sexual abuse would not be? I realize you said "in general" but the question was asked about in an interview with Young Women.

I was just brainstorming. When I was growing up, we talked about LOC at church ALL the TIME. I used to have bad dreams that I had broken the LOC, though I didn't remember doing so, I just knew that I had and I was in great dread of talking to the Bishop.

Statistics are that 1 in 3 girls experience some form of sexual abuse before they are 18...I think that is a higher number of girls than those who struggle with the LOC, and yet we almost never tallk about that at church. And if we do, it is not specifically to the potential victims.

I don't have any specific ideas how we can change that, but I feel passionately that it needs to change.

However, I am not comfortable (now as a mother) having my daughter discuss such sensitive topics 1-1 with a man in a room alone. I think it is perfectly acceptable to make standard that a YW leader, or parent, is also present for such sensitive natured topics. I cannot imagine what reason would oppose it. The same could also be done for YM if there is a concern with boy-man ratio regarding topics of a sexual nature.

I agree. I don't want the 1st or 2nd Counselor talking to my daughter one on one about sex. Although imagining either of them doing so really gave me a good laugh. They would be more embarrassed than she would I think. I speak to her openly about sex. Yes, we have talked about sexual abuse, and even that among siblings. I can't think of anything we haven't covered.

I agree that, as an adult male, you're going to get a lot of squirming and discomfort asking a young woman about the law of chastity. In my opinion, as a counselor in the bishopric, you shouldn't do it*. Instead, I would recommend asking a question like, "Have you discussed with your parents what it means to keep the law of chastity?"

Something that I would consider very important is to ask how they are doing in school. Are they having trouble in any classes? Do they have long term academic goals? have they thought about what kind of degree and career they would like to prepare for. And remind them that there is more to life after high school than university. There are community colleges and trade schools they may consider.

You should also encourage them to consider if they'd like the option of serving a mission and help them understand what they can do to prepare now.

MOE, these are awesome suggestions!

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

Let me share from my perspective. My parents never talked with me about sex. What I learned about sex was from school and from friends.

Don't forget TV. Oh boy, the terrible messages I got from Happy Days!!! Thank goodness, the church taught me the LOC. My parents never talked to me about sex either. BUT I don't think it is the job of a Bishopric member to have that discussion.

Isn't the statistic that something like 25% of females are victims of sexual assault before their 18th birthday? In that kind of situation, do I really want to start talking to sex about every teenaged female in my ward?

Yes, this is a good point...for a young girl that has been molested, having a male authority figure talk to her about LOC in a one on one situation could actually be very triggering!

And for parents who are unwilling to talk with their children even after these firesides, then what?

Young Women leaders!!! I think they are whimping out by asking you to do it. The best information I got about sex was from a recorded fireside talk. She explained to us that petting means touching the opposite sex where clothes are normally worn. She added, "You can take that down to a modest bathing suit if you want, but Young Men, you keep your hands off the daughters of God, and young women, you keep your hands off the Sons of Adam."

It's not that hard to explain petting. Simple. With my own children, I specify that french kissing is included in petting because it tells your body, "turn on the engine, we're going for a drive." Since you are NOT planning to go for a drive, do NOT turn on the engine.

This seems odd to me. If they are so unified in thinking that this needs to be defined for the young women, why haven't they taken steps to define it? Or are they too afraid to have the uncomfortable conversation as well -- in which case, they need to be encouraged to recognize their stewardship and step up.

AMEN!

I am reminded constantly of Elder Brough's words, GA, when he visited our stake. He mentioned, he felt part of the plight for our young women, is that as fathers and priesthood holders we don't value the young women's program enough, to send his point home he asked one brother to stand up and quote the young woman's motto. No priesthood holder was able to stand up and quote it.

I can quote it now. I can also quote the young woman's theme. I am currently progressing through the Young Women's Personal Progress. By the end of the year, I should have earned it.

Yay for you and Elder Brough!

Anddenex, I hope you will follow up and tell us how future conversations with the other leaders in your ward go.

[Tough Grits]

I work in three different schools every week. Two PK-5 elementary schools and one middle school.

Times have changed. We have had boys masturbating in the bathroom, children exposing themselves to each other, and sexual talk...at the elementary!! It has gotten so bad at one elementary, that the 4th and 5th grade girls and boys cannot intermingle in the cafeteria. Girls sit on one side, boys on the other. Students in 4th and 5th grade have to be escorted to the bathroom in groups with teachers standing "guard" outside the bathroom.

By the time the kids get to the middle school, they have moved on to having intercourse. One pair was caught in the bathroom last year in the middle of intercourse (middle school students).

Growing up in Miami, I never remember seeing a girl pregnant in school.

In the small rural town where I live, one year we had as many as 12 girls pregnant starting from 6th grade up to the high school. Most of the pregnant girls were at the middle school.

Girls are starting to wear make-up and inappropriate clothing in 3rd grade. By fourth and fifth, they are acting like 8th and 9th graders would act 20 years ago.

LDS children are just as guilty as any other group in my town. LDS girls wear non-standard clothing on a daily basis, and especially in pageants, homecoming, and prom. LDS youth have full-time boyfriends and girlfriends at FOURTEEN AND FIFTEEN. Is it any wonder they are getting pregnant or violating the LOC?????

We have lost a grip! I don't blame the Church, or the general, stake, or local leaders. I don't blame society.

I blame parents. Period. Because what is society made up of? A whole bunch of parents who are not honoring their solemn obligations and sacred duties.

I have to be extra vigilant with my own children, because other parents are being too lenient.

I am frustrated and upset that I can't even count on the LDS parents to stand firm and stick to the standards in my area.

Parents buy the clothes, parents buy the make-up, parents allow the children to have boy/girlfriends, parents buy the music, parents pay for the cable/dish, parents buy the cell phones, and parents buy the computers.

It all starts with parents and the home. Yes, no matter how great the parenting, children have their agency. But as a parent it is my duty and responsibility to teach my children that agency from God IS NOT the same thing as permission from God.

All I can do is follow the Spirit, follow the commandments, and teach my children how to hold to the iron rod no matter how thick, how dark the mist of darkness gets as they grow older and enter new, and more challenging phases of life.

I just wish that in my area, there were more parents (of all faiths, all cultures, and all ethnicities) teaching and expecting higher standards of their children.