Multi Religous Marriage & Kids

[LT04]

The topic title is harsh for my situation. I was raised in the church, my wife was raised catholic. My callings keep me busy. My wife's calling keep her busy. Both of us are active in our faiths. Both of us attend each others out side of Sunday activities.

What tips do mixed religous marriages use to 1) both of you advance in our faiths, 2) not step on each others toes of faith, 3) now throw kids in the mix what do you do?

[rosie321]

The topic title is harsh for my situation. I was raised in the church, my wife was raised catholic. My callings keep me busy. My wife's calling keep her busy. Both of us are active in our faiths. Both of us attend each others out side of Sunday activities.

What tips do mixed religous marriages use to 1) both of you advance in our faiths, 2) not step on each others toes of faith, 3) now throw kids in the mix what do you do?

Some things that have helped me...

Love and support one another in your righteous endeavors. Seek to bring out the good. Follow the admonition of Paul (13 article of faith)

There are many principles that cross faith lines. In your case it is much easier because you both have a faith system that believes in Christ. There is much you have in common. Focus on the similar fundamental truths. Minimize the emphasis on the more controversial or devisive things as it will be hurtful. Why would you want to bring pain to your spouse? Love your spouse as Christ loved the church. Share what you have in love. I learned this today and I did that. Watch each other grow and blossom and praise God. As they see you growing they will take notice and praise God too.

You cannot hide your beliefs. Don't expect your spouse to cover up theirs either. Their faith is a deep reflection of who they are. Pray for one another. Trust that God will lead you in truth to where you need to go and for the knowledge of what you need to do.

Everyone is learning truth one step at a time. Some may take some different twists, paths and turns but trust that if your heart is sincere God will lead you to where you need to go. Trust that in God's time even the crooked paths will be made straight leading right to him.

[LT04]

I agree a good example goes a long way. My lovely wife and I have a baby on the way, a good exaple is great for a silent observer.

What do I do when the baby can talk?

How do we make LDS / Cotholic decisions. What I mean by that is on TV the other night a guy said "Marriage is about comprimise. She wanted a cat, I didn't so we comprimised and got a cat."

There isn't such a thing as a "Roman Mormon" (aside from LDS members in Rome). I am stronly aposed to making this the baby's problem, b/c thats alot to leave up to a baby.

This wouldn't be so hard if my wife was a "Easter, Christmas" Chatolic, or I was an inactive member; however, this isn't the case we are both very active.

So what are some practices you folks use to "effectivly" compramise?

[rosie321]

I agree a good example goes a long way. My lovely wife and I have a baby on the way, a good exaple is great for a silent observer.

What do I do when the baby can talk?

How do we make LDS / Cotholic decisions. What I mean by that is on TV the other night a guy said "Marriage is about comprimise. She wanted a cat, I didn't so we comprimised and got a cat."

There isn't such a thing as a "Roman Mormon" (aside from LDS members in Rome). I am stronly aposed to making this the baby's problem, b/c thats alot to leave up to a baby.

This wouldn't be so hard if my wife was a "Easter, Christmas" Chatolic, or I was an inactive member; however, this isn't the case we are both very active.

So what are some practices you folks use to "effectivly" compramise?

When you come from different backgrounds break it down to basic values and truths. List what are incompromiseable values to each of you. What defines you. What is most sacred. Focus on the unifying principles. Always be willing to give and take a little. Pray for strength and wisdom.

If you are focused in on the unity and righteous goals your children will only be blessed. It will not become the babies problem. Sure it may pose special challenges for them but they also will be getting diversity training and lessons that will help them later on. They will see your example of working together, loving and serving despite all is. This will be more of an example to them then all the church attendance or church doctrine can ever give.

Give each other lattitude to grow in. Identify what lies beneath all the traditions. What do you hope that your children get? Don't worry about what so and so thinks your children should have. Hopefully basic morals and values, love of God, learning how to communicate with God, service to others.. will become a part of them. It will not become a problem but a tool they are given to better understand and appreciate others.

If you get caught up in religious divisions, I'm right your wrong, do it my way thinking you will not find sucess. A house divided cannot stand (or certainly will not be as secure). Unity is the big word. Communicate with one another that hurt. Let your partner know my line is drawn there if its a sincere problem. There is more alike amongst people than not alike.

Hardships and trials will come. Its inevitable in any relationship. Pray together. Thats something Catholics and mormons can do. Pray for healing, unity and strength. YOu will not be denied by Heavenly Father.

Most Catholics have Saturday services perhaps why not go saturdays with your wife and go on Sundays to LDS for sacrament? Support one another as much as you are able without breaking major gospel standards.

Look at the Catholic traditions around Easter, Lent Christmas etc. They celebrate the birth, death and sacrifices of our saviour. Those are truths that mormons can appreciate to. Just break things down to basic principles and ideas. Who cares if you come up with the new Roman Mormon if your family is happy and growing in gospel truth? Ultmately aren't we all children of God despite what label we place upon ourselves? Get away from the labels and into the heart of things. Its ultimately between your family and God.

Whatever is good......... let your mind dwell on these things..

In a case if you or your partner is not desirous to talk over their values and limits try and find out where their limits are. Try and identify them and respect them. It goes along way. Say for instance your wife, she knows your mormon-no coffee or tea well don't ask you if you want a cup of coffee or lay a guilt trip on you for not having one. (why don't mormons drink coffee.... blah blah blah .. Its not such a big deal). Instead respect that you are trying to be obedient to what you feel the Lord is asking. You are willing to go against the crowds to do it. You are a person of honesty and integrity.

Hope that helps some

[mom_of_jcchlsm]

I guess one issue staring you in the face is baptism. Catholics perform infant baptisms, and while it might be easy from an LDS perspective to say "well, that doesn't mean the baby can't be baptized again properly when s/he is 8," I believe the baptism of an infant, while considered a saving ordinance by Catholics, imposes more of a covenant upon the parents and/or God parents: namely, they make solemn poromises to raise the child in the Catholic Church, to see to it that the child will study catechism, etc. As a firm LDS, I would oppose my spouse making such a promise. As a firm Catholic, she probably wouldn't consider skipping it.

I realize my post doesn't actually help you any, since I'm not offering a solution or compromise. I know all about the cat situation, but fortunately in our family, it's just about cats, not about eternal salvation. There are a lot of choices for which there is no "between" - think of Solomon's offer to cut the baby in half.

[rosie321]

I guess one issue staring you in the face is baptism. Catholics perform infant baptisms, and while it might be easy from an LDS perspective to say "well, that doesn't mean the baby can't be baptized again properly when s/he is 8," I believe the baptism of an infant, while considered a saving ordinance by Catholics, imposes more of a covenant upon the parents and/or God parents: namely, they make solemn poromises to raise the child in the Catholic Church, to see to it that the child will study catechism, etc. As a firm LDS, I would oppose my spouse making such a promise. As a firm Catholic, she probably wouldn't consider skipping it.

I realize my post doesn't actually help you any, since I'm not offering a solution or compromise. I know all about the cat situation, but fortunately in our family, it's just about cats, not about eternal salvation. There are a lot of choices for which there is no "between" - think of Solomon's offer to cut the baby in half.

mom_of_jcchlsm I see your points.

The ideal would be two parents of the same faith always. But when that isn't the case what are the options? Try and make it work as best in the gospel or break up. I think the latter should and can be avoided.

I was baptized twice. Can it really hurt for the baby to be baptized for the one partners sake when an infant and rebaptized later on? Double protection. If the person believing in infant is right the child is protect then and if wrong the child just got wet. Letting the baptism occur can show respect and love for the partner. It shows knowledge and respect for your spouses desire of wanting to do what is right. To have the child baptized in the name of Jesus Christ and follow a good path. To say I don't care what you think the baby is getting baptized at 8 in my church would appear devisive and arrogant to the non believing partner. Hopefully, instead, the child will come to love and appreciate the spirit of the law rather then the letter if compromises and respect is shown for the other partner. The child will see the love that the parents have for each other in that they are willing to risk all and sacrifice all for their partner. Its all in how its potrayed and managed. IMHO. The religious gap can be bridged when Christ and the will of God is in the middle :)

Ultimately there always needs to be more sensitivity to how things are communicated then what is being communicated. The things felt by the heart will always rule out a bunch of words , IMHO of course

[shanstress70]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but did you guys talk about this before getting married? "Or before bringing a child into the mix? Not to say that different religions can't mix in a marriage, but it is hard and many marriages have ended bc of this very thing.

[LT04]

In the end I think it would be great if the child was raised Mormon, but I don't think any one needs "Gods authority" to put the following into practice: 1) loving one another, 2) servinging others, 3) following the teachings of Christ and lastly 4) seting a good example. If your Mormon, Catholic or any other Christian this should be all you strive for.

Do you guys/ gals think that statment is one of an apostate? I have been told in my ward it is. I don't want to do the wrong thing, but I have to let the childs mother have a say also. Is that carzy?

re: shanstress70

When we got married 5 years ago she and I didn't go to church at all. It wasn't a big deal. In the past few years we both have become very active encouraging each other to practice our faith more. Then we came to the road block of childhood.

I was told in the Army when I was a combat engineer that "obstacles are not going to keep us out of where we want to go. they are there to buy the person who put them there time. Obstacles are ment to be overcome." He was a hooah soldier he was talking about land mines and such but I read a double meaning.

I know we will make together and that this is just an obstacle ment to over come. IF you do your home work first and don't deal with it when you get to it.

[mom_of_jcchlsm]

In the end I think it would be great if the child was raised Mormon, but I don't think any one needs "Gods authority" to put the following into practice: 1) loving one another, 2) servinging others, 3) following the teachings of Christ and lastly 4) seting a good example. If your Mormon, Catholic or any other Christian this should be all you strive for.

Do you guys/ gals think that statment is one of an apostate? I have been told in my ward it is.

Well, that's all well and good, but the saving ordinances are required, and must be performed in mortality, either by the person or by proxy. What? You plan to outlive your child and then do his/her ordinances in the temple? If the child is not raised making and keeping the Lord's covenants, s/he is very unlikely to leave posterity that will.

And I assume you and your wife are not sealed. Is it OK with you to spend this whole earth life perfecting a marriage which ends with death? To not have your children sealed to you? Ever?

I think maybe you should encourage your wife to take the missionary discussions. And if she doesn't convert, ask her to take them again in five years. And keep at it. Since you are already on this road, and you don't want to turn back (divorce and remarry within your faith), you need to make every effort to make this marriage count and to have your children raised with your beliefs.

Of course, her friends at church and her family are trying to tell her the same thing. So you have to somehow make compromises. Like maybe: we'll go to my Church and you can pick the names of the children, where we live, all our pets and their names, and what I'm supposed to wear every day for the rest of my life. (joking there, but I don't really see anything worth choosing in life that has equal value as your faith.)

[rosie321]

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In the end I think it would be great if the child was raised Mormon, but I don't think any one needs "Gods authority" to put the following into practice: 1) loving one another, 2) servinging others, 3) following the teachings of Christ and lastly 4) seting a good example. If your Mormon, Catholic or any other Christian this should be all you strive for.

Do you guys/ gals think that statment is one of an apostate? I have been told in my ward it is.

A lot depends on who you choose to listen to. The church will always be against mixed marriages for its people because it creates many challenges and heartache. On the other hand marrying inside the church for time and all eternity isn't a guarantee to happiness either as is reflected in the divorce and abuse rates. While your situation may not be the churches ideal that doesn't mean you can't try to put as many of the christlike principles you can into practice and be as faithful as you can. Doing the right things, like the ones listed above, will be what helps you keep and maintain a healthy relationship

Well, that's all well and good, but the saving ordinances are required, and must be performed in mortality, either by the person or by proxy. What? You plan to outlive your child and then do his/her ordinances in the temple? If the child is not raised making and keeping the Lord's covenants, s/he is very unlikely to leave posterity that will.

And I assume you and your wife are not sealed. Is it OK with you to spend this whole earth life perfecting a marriage which ends with death? To not have your children sealed to you? Ever?

If he has taught righteous principles do you not think the child will recognize truth and do what is necessary when the time comes? Same with the wife. Do you not think that God has the power to call out His elect? If he tries to coerce his wife into going to church or guilt trip her into going how is that different from Satans plan? I've seen many miserable LDS marriages. Time and all eternity is not all that it is cracked up to be if there is not a good foundation there. Love, service, Faith and following Christ all good bases that can be developed and helpful in growing a strong marriage. The ordinances are worthless without the heartfelt knowledge and christlike understandings. The Pharisees and Saducees were very good at following the letter of the law and making sure everything was done correctly but showed that there is more to life than just the ordinance and law. While LT04's path is not one for everyone, nor should it be, what is wrong with him working things out with her in the way he is suggesting? She'll be much more open to respecting his faith as he respects hers. One day through faith and prayer, who knows the ordinances might be able to be performed in their family. I don't see how they can be denied. Someone will be brought forth to do them if they are not able in this life.

I think maybe you should encourage your wife to take the missionary discussions. And if she doesn't convert, ask her to take them again in five years. And keep at it. Since you are already on this road, and you don't want to turn back (divorce and remarry within your faith), you need to make every effort to make this marriage count and to have your children raised with your beliefs.

You can't make someone join or listen. If you push them when they are not ready they will dig their heels in more. No one likes to feel coerced into something. She believes strongly in what she does and that it is right. Why should his faith automatically win over hers? All that will happen by him forcing her is that she will rebel and hate him rather than care what he has to offer. Then she will develop only hatred toward the faith too because it was not what it should be.

Of course, her friends at church and her family are trying to tell her the same thing. So you have to somehow make compromises. Like maybe: we'll go to my Church and you can pick the names of the children, where we live, all our pets and their names, and what I'm supposed to wear every day for the rest of my life. (joking there, but I don't really see anything worth choosing in life that has equal value as your faith.)

There are ways to make compromises while still getting ordinaces done. A few ideas-Why can't he go to church with her on Saturday and go to his on Sunday? Or maybe make sure he fits in Sacrament on Sunday and goes to her on Sunday too. That way they are going together and growing together. The differences will come out but not in an extreme way.

If she is truly devout Catholic then let the child be baptized but then the child will also be baptized LDS at the age of choosing. By the time the child has to worry about the temple they will be old enough to make their own decision. Hopefully they will love and respect their parents if they have not seen them battling over religion and will have a strong relationship with Christ and gospel principles

[shanstress70]

When we got married 5 years ago she and I didn't go to church at all. It wasn't a big deal. In the past few years we both have become very active encouraging each other to practice our faith more. Then we came to the road block of childhood.

Well that explains it, then. All I can say is good luck! I believe it is possible to have a successful marriage, but at some point someone's got to give unless your child will be baptized in both churches, and I'm not even sure either church allows such a thing.

[LT04]

Without saying it to each other (remember we were 18 & 19, when we got married) we were hoping the other would convert. If that didn't work we were going to wait out the second coming when Christ made the "Christs church of all Abraham's descendants first church and employment company."

I agree with Shan, a convert or die attitude should have died with the third crusade. Hopping that the child will be baptized at age 8 I'm afraid may also be to ambitious, thats when Catholics receive the sacrament of confirmation, where they put the same outfit on that umpteen grandparents ago had when they came over on the mayflower. (not that bad, but you get the point.) I think something very traumatic may have to occur to shake her belief system to its foundation to make a swicth. Only time will tell all I can do is keep on keeping on.

I would still like to hear from you guys / gals on the matter you have had good ideas on finding middle ground.

[shanstress70]

Any chance of you becoming Catholic? I just asked bc it seems like you came here asking questions about some issues you have with the LDS church. Perhaps there's more of a chance of you converting than there is for her?

[Maureen]

Any chance of you becoming Catholic? I just asked bc it seems like you came here asking questions about some issues you have with the LDS church. Perhaps there's more of a chance of you converting than there is for her?

I was thinking the same thing. :)

LT04, you have a unique relgious situation with your wife, so you ultimately will have to decide together how you will work it out. Since you are both active in your respective religions, maybe you could take turns attending church services together. That way you will both have a small perspective of each other's religions to make decisions about what you both think are important. I'm sure it will be a little difficult but not impossible.

M.

[rosie321]

LT04, you have a unique relgious situation with your wife, so you ultimately will have to decide together how you will work it out. Since you are both active in your respective religions, maybe you could take turns attending church services together. That way you will both have a small perspective of each other's religions to make decisions about what you both think are important. I'm sure it will be a little difficult but not impossible.

M.

I agree with Shan, a convert or die attitude should have died with the third crusade. Hopping that the child will be baptized at age 8 I'm afraid may also be to ambitious, thats when Catholics receive the sacrament of confirmation, where they put the same outfit on that umpteen grandparents ago had when they came over on the mayflower. (not that bad, but you get the point.) I think something very traumatic may have to occur to shake her belief system to its foundation to make a swicth. Only time will tell all I can do is keep on keeping on.

Your situation with your wife is unique.

So that leads me to some questions.

First are you wanting to stay with your wife and honor those commitments? Does she want you to stay with you despite your religious differences? Some marriages just cannot handle the religious divide. So far I get the impression that you both are in it for the long haul which is in accordance to what scriptures would have you to do. 1st Corinthians 7:12-16 is something for you to read. 7:14 indicates to me that your children will be protected and made holy despite a situation that could render them unclean or lost.

2nd What good is the salt if it loses the saltiness? I think you need to stay faithful to what it is you believe. I don't think that you should stop especially being that your wife is ok with it. If at some time you don't believe the LDS church is right then leave it. From what I've seen you came here with a struggle of what to do to make your less than ideal family situation right in the sights of the Lord. You also came here to vent your frustrations about the churches social aspects. Not of key doctrines or anything. That is what troubles you. Why can't you just go to your wifes church where all know your name? Where they teach good values.... But that isn't good enough for you. Inside you know there is more for you at the LDS church right now. To deny that part of you right now would do more harm ultimately for your family than good. You'd be miserable. So my advice is to stick with the church. Even if the church were to be false I think there's a lot of truth there that could benefit your family. I think you'll learn a lot of things that will bless your family than hurt it. I guess my advice would be stick to the basics in the gospel at church. Avoid those things that weigh you down and don't be overcommitted in a way that will hurt your family. Where the church is becoming priority over your family. Do good whether it be with activities that make you feel comfortable in your church or hers. or even on your own. Seek understanding with your wife. Your children will be blessed by your righteous example of seeing you stick to what you think is true despite an easier path.

3rd. Your children have the ultimate choice of where and what they do. Don't think honest mistakes that you make will doom them. God knows your heart and theirs. He will not cast away desirous souls. If they are taught to listen for the Shepards voice they will hear it.

Many people join when they are older and from many different faiths. Ideally in the LDS church 8 is the magical age. But in Gods world anything is possible. Things will be worked out. Don't think all hope is gone. Lay a proper foundation for them. One in which they are taught to listen to the spirit, follow Christ.... what ever church they may be sitting in. Such are principals that will bless them greatly.

Pray for them and dedicate them to God then sit back and see what the Lord can do with that. I'm glad to see so far you have maintained that desire and hope you continue that. They will be blessed and you will be blessed. They will come out stronger in the end as they wrestle to find truth. This is your circumstance so you have to trust that God will find away for you to accomplish the thing in which he hath commanded you and led you to.

[rosie321]

I was told in the Army when I was a combat engineer that "obstacles are not going to keep us out of where we want to go. they are there to buy the person who put them there time. Obstacles are ment to be overcome." He was a hooah soldier he was talking about land mines and such but I read a double meaning.

I know we will make together and that this is just an obstacle ment to over come. IF you do your home work first and don't deal with it when you get to it.

Nice thought. I think you know more than you think you do. However, as to your last statement there are some obstacles, no matter how much homework you do beforehand just have to be handled on the spot by the sweat of the brow, and with lots of hope and prayers. :)

[shanstress70]

Awesome post, Rosie!

[LT04]

Shan I loved your post, thanks for the pep talk.

Re: to Rosie, "I think you know more than you think you do."

I by trade am a carpenter. I am required by my union to take a lot of OSHA classes each year. The biggest contributing factor to accidents each year in industry situations each year according to OSHA is over confidence.

I agree with you that home work won't always help but ten times out of ten I will always learn something from a different perspective even if the homework didn't help.

I would like to avoid pit falls before I come to them. I was told once that "good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from bad decisions." I hope doing homework will turn this law from a rule of thumb to a law that only applies sometimes.

[rosie321]

Shan I loved your post, thanks for the pep talk.

Re: to Rosie, "I think you know more than you think you do."

I by trade am a carpenter. I am required by my union to take a lot of OSHA classes each year. The biggest contributing factor to accidents each year in industry situations each year according to OSHA is over confidence.

I agree with you that home work won't always help but ten times out of ten I will always learn something from a different perspective even if the homework didn't help.

I would like to avoid pit falls before I come to them. I was told once that "good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from bad decisions." I hope doing homework will turn this law from a rule of thumb to a law that only applies sometimes.

Lt04 I hope that you don't understand that I wasn't mocking your decision to gather information and making sure you have the facts and information correct. I do the same thing myself and it has helped me. Asking questions to the seemingly obvious or expressing concerns isn't always bad. As you mentioned you may learn from a different perspective or just reinforce what you thought you knew.

My only concern was that you might fall into a trap of having to have everything laid out or become wrapped up into the legalistics causing you to miss some important gospel things.. It is important to be concerned about the legalities. As you pointed out many times heartaches can be prevented. On the other hand sometimes I think to some degree faith requires us to take risks and to go where our eyes can't see. YOu are going to need a lot of faith at times due to your circumstance if your are to stay strong in the LDS church and go against the popular legalistic opinions (like your not being married in the temple). You are going to have to put your faith and trust onto God and go places sometimes that you can't see ahead of time.

Faith is the first principle of the Gospel:).

An edit to the first line- I hope you DO understand:)

[LT04]

I'm sorry rosie!!!

No I didn't think you were mocking me at all. I have found one of my weaknesses is some times I tend to gather info to the point the problem never gets solved ( that can be bad )

I think everything will be ok in the end. It's just we decided to raise our children Catholic when we first started talking about marriage. It wasn't a big deal to me b/c I didn't go to church at all and hadn't gone for at least 3 years before we met. I still think raising them Catholic is a good idea b/c I would consider myself to be the most likely one to go inactive. She has a huge extended family here that are all very active also. I think by numbers alone they will have a larger support system for staying active. I guess I'm depressed that I won't be able to give our first child a blessing in the church. When we first found out we were having a baby the bishop we had then said that his biggest regret was he didn't get to bless his children. That has stuck with me ever seance.

I'm still thankful for all the advice I have been given. Until recent I never knew that there was a support group like this. I am deeply apreacitive for all your advice.