I need some help

[DirkID93]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a few months now and I need some advice with some stuff. Every now and again we go out, just us, and it seems to always end badly (physically). We know that we do stuff that we shouldn't and yet we continue to do it anyways. I won't go into too much detail, but basically it is inappropriate and disobedient to Heavenly Father's commandments; something that should only be for people who have been married. What should I do about this situation? It's just so hard to resist the temptations sometimes.

[Guest]

Stop being alone. If you can't stay chaste together, maybe you shouldn't be together at all.

[EarlJibbs]

Dirk, I see from your profile that you are 19 and was recently baptised in March on 2013? Congrats on the baptism, now comes the hard part... keeping your covenants.

Not that it matters as far as going to far, but is this girl also a member of the church? Either way, my blunt opinion is to have enough respect for her to either break up or get married. There is also a choice of group dating. Its very difficult to go too far in front of others.

Also, go see your bishop once you are ready. It seems that you will need his help for repentance

[SoCal_Counselor]

With relationships, God wants us to be happy, and he wants us to be obedient. He wants us to fall in love, get married, become one through sexual intimacy, have children, and endure to the end; but he wants us to do it in the proper order. He has set up commandments (including the law of chastity) for our benefit and our own happiness. Being faithful and following him will help us to be happy.

I can't emphasize how important it is to have appropriate boundaries in a relationship before getting married. A few examples might be:

• Never being alone with her. Bedrooms are especially problematic. Be in a public place.
• Know the difference between appropriate touch and inappropriate touch (If she is touching/kissing you in a way that is arousing you, it is probably inappropriate for now. If you are touching/kissing her in a way that is getting her aroused, it is probably inappropriate)
• Setting the limit on physical touching (i.e. kissing is okay, passionate kissing is too far)
• Make sure you discuss these boundaries together

In the early stages of my relationship with my wife, we discussed some rules and boundaries before getting married. I told her that I was uncomfortable with her touching me anywhere my garments were, except for giving me a back rub. We determined that we would not engage in any kind of passionate kissing. We were also always in a public place. We found that our friendship and communication really developed as we were "unable" to take the relationship further physically.

After getting married, we allowed the sexual aspect into our relationship and it strengthened us even more. The foundation of our relationship was spiritual closeness, friendship, communication, love, trust, understanding, and respect. Sex and physical closeness is an important part of our relationship, but it is not the foundation.

[DirkID93]

Thanks everyone. I'll definitely talk to her about boundaries and group dating. I don't want to ruin this relationship because I've really taken a liking to her and she means a lot to me. Thank you all so much

[ElectofGod]

Stop being alone. If you can't stay chaste together, maybe you shouldn't be together at all.

I disagree with this comment. My wife and I had the same problem. We kept "heavy petting" over and over again. We had talked to the bishop and everything. The last 4 months after we were engaged it was a little easier to not mess up because we knew there was a short time to wait. We stayed clean the last 4/5 months but only because we had that marriage date to look towards. Plus we were so busy we stopped being alone. thoug hwe had dated 2 years and it was around 7-10 months when we first messed up.

We tried everything to not do it but really we kept messing up. What ended up happening was my wife couldn't get her sealing cancelation for another year so we had to get married civily. We talked about boundaries but it didn't work that well. You have to be strict on it to make it work.

Ask yourselves if you are considering marriage. If not maybe end it else don't stay out late and stay around others. If you can do that you can stop doing it but eventually the emotions will come back so you need something to look forward to, to keep yourself clean. (Marriage date, temple visit, etc)

Our marriage is the happiest marriage i know

[M_T_E]

If you did not have an upbringing within the Church then I can understand your difficulties that you are having. However when you did take that leap of faith and became baptized you promised essentially to obey the Words of Wisdom.

Prayer and discussing your feelings with your girlfriend are two options that have alot of potential to help remedy your situation. If you need to then you can seek out guidance from a Bishop as well.

[CrimsonKairos]

Ask God to help you be better than you are on your own. Seriously. Ask Him in the name of Christ to change your heart. Demonstrate you want this change of heart: pray, study your scriptures for inspiration and encouragement, fast from food and drink (no more than 24 hrs, generally) with the purpose of having your old heart replaced with a new creation, a heart whose desires and passions reflect those of Heavenly Father and Jesus.

In the New Testament, when Jesus healed people physically it usually mentions him at the same time casting out a demon. Some demons, he taught his disciples, come not out by but prayer and fasting. You're being tempted to act inappropriately, by the Father of lies who happens to give every demon their orders. God can cast out these demons/temptations, but as you know, you can't do it on your own.

Time to call in the reinforcements, if you're serious about it. :)

[Apple_Acres]

Speaking from personal experience, not controlling lustful desires can have serious consequences, namely, potentially ruining a valued relationship and marginalizing a sacred act.

[StriplingWarrior]

Okay man I am just going to tell you like it is, sex rocks. If you have to then tell her to wear clothing that is not flattering. That is how my fiancé and I made it. She would wear really baggy clothes that were not form fitting at all. This will help you to be less attracted to her momentarily.

Edited April 24, 2013 by Eowyn
unnecessary

[Guest]

I disagree with this comment. My wife and I had the same problem. We kept "heavy petting" over and over again. We had talked to the bishop and everything. The last 4 months after we were engaged it was a little easier to not mess up because we knew there was a short time to wait. We stayed clean the last 4/5 months but only because we had that marriage date to look towards. Plus we were so busy we stopped being alone. thoug hwe had dated 2 years and it was around 7-10 months when we first messed up.

We tried everything to not do it but really we kept messing up. What ended up happening was my wife couldn't get her sealing cancelation for another year so we had to get married civily. We talked about boundaries but it didn't work that well. You have to be strict on it to make it work.

Ask yourselves if you are considering marriage. If not maybe end it else don't stay out late and stay around others. If you can do that you can stop doing it but eventually the emotions will come back so you need something to look forward to, to keep yourself clean. (Marriage date, temple visit, etc)

Our marriage is the happiest marriage i know

I am fairly certain you misunderstood what Eowyn meant. She did not mean to break up. She merely meant not to be ALONE together. Or to be together where the temptation is strong. If being together meant being overcome by lust, then it's better to be apart and wait until a better time presents itself where lust is better managed.

[ElectofGod]

I am fairly certain you misunderstood what Eowyn meant. She did not mean to break up. She merely meant not to be ALONE together. Or to be together where the temptation is strong. If being together meant being overcome by lust, then it's better to be apart and wait until a better time presents itself where lust is better managed.

No I understood it the first time. But now that I read this explanation, I had an impression. When I had those problems I had talked to my bishop and he gave mee this exact council (I had forgotten until now but fairly certain the spirit brought it to my remembrance). He said, "maybe you should take a break from each other for a time". I wasn't going to do that because I was just about engaged, and did get engaged.

Now I have changed my mind and agree with it if its right for the person.

Pray about it ... I should of of done that myself when I had the chance lol.