My wife and I used to get into trouble with drugs and alcohol and lately she is looking back.

[Ijustforgotit]

Hello...I definitely need some advice on this. To make an extremely long story short, my wife and I partied our way through high school from ages 16 up to 22 years old. We finally got our heads on straight, got married two years ago, and went through the temple about a year ago. When we first went through the temple she had a real problem wearing garments. She does always wear them however, I have seen her in tears multiple times about how uncomfortable they are. She was okay through the winter season, but now because summer is rolling around, I think she see's cloths she wants to wear but cant. It is something that is still very new to us, considering where we have been. Last night she was crying because she felt guilty for feeling the way that she does about garments. She says she feels guilty because she hates them, and that she is constantly reminded how much she hates them all day while she is adjusting them. She also told me she was feeling guilty because sometimes she wishes that me and her could just relax once in a while with a drink, or with some marijuana. She was raised LDS as was I, and naturally I told her those thoughts and feelings were not hers but that satan is working on her. She feels ashamed of herself, and her words are that she feels like she is wicked. I just don't know how to make her feel better. More so, I cannot figure out how to help her change her way of thinking so that she stops feeling the way that she does about garments. She loves the gospel and I know she has a testimony. So many miracles have happened in our lives to believe otherwise, but she feels so bad because of the way she still thinks. Please, any advice is welcome. Thanks.

-James:confused:

Edited May 15, 2013 by Ijustforgotit

[skippy740]

I don't know if you CAN make her feel better.

Can I assume (I hate that word) that she's tried various fabrics that are available and that she finds them all equally uncomfortable? Or that she's using the fabrics that is the least annoying?

Two years is still a relatively short period of time. I suppose you're both around 25 years old, so that you're both rather young as well.

I'm not a psychologist or anything, but is she looking for some kind of "escape"? If the garments feel restrictive, and she is desiring alcohol/drugs... it makes me wonder if there's a deeper problem to be explored?

Take her out on a nice relaxing and fun date. Perhaps a massage? Maybe she's just stressed.

Just some ideas for you.

[Smudge]

Are you still living in the area where you both grew up? If so is it possible to move somewhere different ( Scotland is so cold in the summer that she might not struggle as much with garments - she says tongue in check)

Other than that pray for and with her and get her name on the prayer roll.

[Ijustforgotit]

I don't know if you CAN make her feel better.

Can I assume (I hate that word) that she's tried various fabrics that are available and that she finds them all equally uncomfortable? Or that she's using the fabrics that is the least annoying?

Two years is still a relatively short period of time. I suppose you're both around 25 years old, so that you're both rather young as well.

I'm not a psychologist or anything, but is she looking for some kind of "escape"? If the garments feel restrictive, and she is desiring alcohol/drugs... it makes me wonder if there's a deeper problem to be explored?

Take her out on a nice relaxing and fun date. Perhaps a massage? Maybe she's just stressed.

Just some ideas for you.

Thanks! that sounds like a good idea! I am 24 my wife is 22 but we have self medicated our issues since 14 and 16. We abused drugs and alcohol for 6 years almost. So I can understand why stress could cause her to revert. But, she does not want to feel that way.

[Ijustforgotit]

Are you still living in the area where you both grew up? If so is it possible to move somewhere different ( Scotland is so cold in the summer that she might not struggle as much with garments - she says tongue in check)

Other than that pray for and with her and get her name on the prayer roll.

Thank you for this, it is great advice. As for moving we just purchased our first home 2 months ago and it has been stressful, but it is right where she grew up.

[Leah]

I don't know if you CAN make her feel better.

Can I assume (I hate that word) that she's tried various fabrics that are available and that she finds them all equally uncomfortable? Or that she's using the fabrics that is the least annoying?

Two years is still a relatively short period of time. I suppose you're both around 25 years old, so that you're both rather young as well.

I'm not a psychologist or anything, but is she looking for some kind of "escape"? If the garments feel restrictive, and she is desiring alcohol/drugs... it makes me wonder if there's a deeper problem to be explored?

Take her out on a nice relaxing and fun date. Perhaps a massage? Maybe she's just stressed.

Just some ideas for you.

I think the bolded portion was a very good point. It sounds like the issue with the garments is a symptom of something else, and not so much about the garments themselves. Garments that are so physically uncomfortable that they bring her to tears? With the range of choices available, and with the ability to custom order at no charge, garments shouldn't be any more uncomfortable than any other article of clothing one wears. As someone with a medical problem that causes severe heat intolerance issues, I was a little apprehensive of the physical reality of wearing garments, while simultaneously looking forward to wearing them because of what they represent.

I experimented with the various fabrics and styles and became adjusted to wearing garments within a surprisingly (to me) short amount of time. I am having a really hard time imagining the circumstances under which wearing garments is so physically uncomfortable as to make someone cry.

You also mentioned that she feels that garments prevent her from wearing the clothes she wants to wear. I think that's a very telling statement. If she is wanting to wear clothing she cannot wear with garments, then she is not wanting to wear modest clothing, as taught by the church. That is a different issue than whether or not garments are physically uncomfortable.

I don't think it's about the physical act of wearing the garments. I think it's about what they represent. I think that's what she is rebelling against.

[Guest]

I don't know if you CAN make her feel better.

Can I assume (I hate that word) that she's tried various fabrics that are available and that she finds them all equally uncomfortable? Or that she's using the fabrics that is the least annoying?

Two years is still a relatively short period of time. I suppose you're both around 25 years old, so that you're both rather young as well.

I'm not a psychologist or anything, but is she looking for some kind of "escape"? If the garments feel restrictive, and she is desiring alcohol/drugs... it makes me wonder if there's a deeper problem to be explored?

Take her out on a nice relaxing and fun date. Perhaps a massage? Maybe she's just stressed.

Just some ideas for you.

Everything skippy said. She should try different cuts and fabrics, and may need to change with seasons.

FWIW, I'm LDS and have never used any substance against the WOW. But when I was going through one of my hardest times in life, I used to dream about smoking. It felt so real. I'd inhale and literally feel myself relax. I've never touched a cigarette! When I'm really, really stressed out I find myself wishing sometimes I could just have a glass of wine at night like some women I know do to wind down. Silly, since I never have and never would. I think it's natural to be tempted, especially when there has been use before. It's what you do with the temptation that counts.

[Ijustforgotit]

I think the bolded portion was a very good point. It sounds like the issue with the garments is a symptom of something else, and not so much about the garments themselves. Garments that are so physically uncomfortable that they bring her to tears? With the range of choices available, and with the ability to custom order at no charge, garments shouldn't be any more uncomfortable than any other article of clothing one wears. As someone with a medical problem that causes severe heat intolerance issues, I was a little apprehensive of the physical reality of wearing garments, while simultaneously looking forward to wearing them because of what they represent.

I experimented with the various fabrics and styles and became adjusted to wearing garments within a surprisingly (to me) short amount of time. I am having a really hard time imagining the circumstances under which wearing garments is so physically uncomfortable as to make someone cry.

You also mentioned that she feels that garments prevent her from wearing the clothes she wants to wear. I think that's a very telling statement. If she is wanting to wear clothing she cannot wear with garments, then she is not wanting to wear modest clothing, as taught by the church. That is a different issue than whether or not garments are physically uncomfortable.

I don't think it's about the physical act of wearing the garments. I think it's about what they represent. I think that's what she is rebelling against.

Thanks for your response, but then, what do i do?

[Guest]

Thanks for your response, but then, what do i do?

Talk it out with her and really listen. Try to hear what she is saying and ask questions to help her express what she is really feeling. That would be a start.

[applepansy]

Hello...I definitely need some advice on this. To make an extremely long story short, my wife and I partied our way through high school from ages 16 up to 22 years old. We finally got our heads on straight, got married two years ago, and went through the temple about a year ago. When we first went through the temple she had a real problem wearing garments. She does always wear them however, I have seen her in tears multiple times about how uncomfortable they are. She was okay through the winter season, but now because summer is rolling around, I think she see's cloths she wants to wear but cant. It is something that is still very new to us, considering where we have been. Last night she was crying because she felt guilty for feeling the way that she does about garments. She says she feels guilty because she hates them, and that she is constantly reminded how much she hates them all day while she is adjusting them. She also told me she was feeling guilty because sometimes she wishes that me and her could just relax once in a while with a drink, or with some marijuana. She was raised LDS as was I, and naturally I told her those thoughts and feelings were not hers but that satan is working on her. She feels ashamed of herself, and her words are that she feels like she is wicked. I just don't know how to make her feel better. More so, I cannot figure out how to help her change her way of thinking so that she stops feeling the way that she does about garments. She loves the gospel and I know she has a testimony. So many miracles have happened in our lives to believe otherwise, but she feels so bad because of the way she still thinks. Please, any advice is welcome. Thanks.

-James:confused:

The first person we need to forgive sometimes is ourselves. Even when Christ is standing there waiting to forgive us we can put up road blocks by feeling unworthy. I bolded some of what you wrote which I felt illustrates a need for her to forgive herself. Its not always easy to do.... well its never easy to do.

The garments being uncomfortable and wanting to revert to abusing alcohol/drugs are symptoms of temptation and Satan working on her weak spots.

Sometimes it takes realizing we are worthy of forgiveness before we're able to forgive.

And a deep understanding of the Plan of Salvation helps. Several years ago Justice posted an exercise, found here. Read about it. Follow the instructions maybe more than once. It helped me to understand the Plan of Salvation and the Atonement. Understanding the atonement helped me be more forgiving of myself and others.

[Windseeker]

I think you've gotten the best advice already..listen.

I will add to that, the temple covenants are between her and Heavenly Father not between you and her. If she chooses not to wear her garments then you ought to support her and show her compassion, understanding, patience and love.

You can’t change your wife, but your wife will change and so will you as the years go by. Expect it and know that all you can really do is show charity (understanding, patience, love).

Everybody I know who used alcohol or drugs at some point in their life will crave it again. I’m so glad I never messed with that stuff, because I don’t know what kind of relief it would provide. Instead I’ve had to learn to do other things like exercise and yoga and connecting with nature thru surfing, kitesurfing and playing league of legends..lol

While I can understand the alarm you might feel when she expresses that she craves it, it’s again time to be show patience and love and just listen.

[Ijustforgotit]

The first person we need to forgive sometimes is ourselves. Even when Christ is standing there waiting to forgive us we can put up road blocks by feeling unworthy. I bolded some of what you wrote which I felt illustrates a need for her to forgive herself. Its not always easy to do.... well its never easy to do.

The garments being uncomfortable and wanting to revert to abusing alcohol/drugs are symptoms of temptation and Satan working on her weak spots.

Sometimes it takes realizing we are worthy of forgiveness before we're able to forgive.

And a deep understanding of the Plan of Salvation helps. Several years ago Justice posted an exercise, found here. Read about it. Follow the instructions maybe more than once. It helped me to understand the Plan of Salvation and the Atonement. Understanding the atonement helped me be more forgiving of myself and others.

Thank you very much for this advice.