How to comfort IRL friend

[Guest]

We confront problems here a lot, but mostly problems of faceless people we've never met. Problems that feel somewhat abstract, that we don't see in person; enemies we don't see the other side of and don't go to church with every week. I think we do our best to give sounds advice based on what we understand of relationships and the Gospel, but it is different than learning about a problem being faced by someone you know and love.

Which is where I am now. A close friend is facing something that comes up here a lot, and I know what I'd say to a woman here in her situation. But in this case, I know different sides and angles of it. I know her. I sort of know her husband. I know her children. I understand 3-dimensionally what the impact of this problem and the possible "solutions" are.

It makes it harder to comfort and give advice. It makes me think harder about how I perceive the problems of people here.

Just some stuff I'm thinking about. :)

[Wingnut]

Based on prevalence of advice-related topics on this board, and the fact that you mention that you know her husband, I'll go with the suspicion and assumption that your friend has discovered that her husband has a problem with pornography.

My suggestion would be just to hug her, and let her know that you're there to talk to, whenever she wants or needs it. She can confide in you, cry on you, and count on you. You can't empathize, but you can sympathize. Be the friend who doesn't judge her, and doesn't judge her husband. Just be there. And make sure she knows that.

[Praetorian_Brow]

I wonder if the judgement that is made about people does far more harm than the actual activity that has been discovered or confessed to.

[Guest]

No. Mainly because what that seems to imply is that the action wouldn't be so harmful if people would just learn to be okay with it, and that is false.

Edited May 16, 2013 by Eowyn

[Just_A_Guy]

Geez. Here I skimmed the header and thought the topic was "how to comfort my IRS friend" and got all eager for another round of guv-mint bashing . . .

[pam]

Oh JAG. You are silly.

[Iggy]

We confront problems here a lot, but mostly problems of faceless people we've never met. Problems that feel somewhat abstract, that we don't see in person; enemies we don't see the other side of and don't go to church with every week. I think we do our best to give sounds advice based on what we understand of relationships and the Gospel, but it is different than learning about a problem being faced by someone you know and love.

Which is where I am now. A close friend is facing something that comes up here a lot, and I know what I'd say to a woman here in her situation. But in this case, I know different sides and angles of it. I know her. I sort of know her husband. I know her children. I understand 3-dimensionally what the impact of this problem and the possible "solutions" are.

It makes it harder to comfort and give advice. It makes me think harder about how I perceive the problems of people here.

Just some stuff I'm thinking about. :)

The hard part is the giving advice. Don't. Give generously of comfort. Like the little boy who went to the elderly neighbor who had just lost his wife. When his mother asked what he did. He said: I cried with him.

Eowyn, from reading your posts I have surmised that you are a true nurturer. You seek to nurture not only your own family, but those that you love and care about.

Nurture your friend, give her comfort, cry with her. Yell with her. Slam cupboard doors with her (that is my favorite release for frustrated anger, that and throwing canned food at the tree in the back yard.) Just don't give advice.

(FYI the tree is okay, but the fence is in dire need of repair!)