Am I wrong? Do I expect too much?

[Pistachio]

My fiancé and I are both divorcees with children under 12 years of age. He has 3 and I have 2. He is currently unemployed and I am working. I also have a small business that I'm trying to build up to hopefully make some significant profit in the next couple of years. My fiancé's ex wife doesn't work and gets money from the government. She also gets money from my fiancé's multilevel marketing business, which is about £150 a month. He isn't active in the business really but it pays out because other people he signed up to it are active. So in total his ex gets about £650 a week. This is more than I earn with my job and my business. My fiancé told me this morning that when he starts working, and gets paid, he will send his first months wages to his ex for his kids and he will give his second month's wages to his cousin who has been putting him up for free until he gets a job. He just moved to the UK so is still finding his feet. I suggested he gave some of each month's wages to the kids and some to his cousin each month. He disagreed with this and said it was a 'spiritual' thing he felt he needed to do. I am struggling with this. I have spent more money than I can afford on visiting him, while he was abroad and even now. On our dates, I usually pay. He still lives a 3.5 hour drive away from me. He keeps saying he will pay me back when he starts earning some money. I never ask him to, but he insists he will. He has shown me he loves me in other ways but I am a little disturbed by this. I thought he would have considered doing what he promised. I thought he would try to get some money from his monthly payments to help towards being able to visit me more regularly. I didn't mind before but now I do. Sending a months salary to his ex (who gets more than I do already) for the kids and then the next months salary to his cousin. Where do I come in? Please tell me straight. Am I being evil? Selfish? I'm not being supportive to him as a father in thinking this way am I? I just feel like I'm losing my money and working hard and spending my hard earned money on this relationship but I wasn't considered a priority when he does start earning.

Can anyone relate to this or have any advice. I feel bad that I feel this way so if I'm wrong someone please tell me so I can sort myself out. Thanks.

[NeuroTypical]

Sounds like something you should have settled before agreeing to marry him. But since here you are, the message is clear. You know who and what you are marrying. He has told you his plans. You already know how the money will work.

It's not a 'change if you love me' thing. It's a 'take him and stop having a problem with it, or leave him and find someone else' thing.

Choose carefully - your children and his are relying on you making it work this time. Marriage is hard enough with a 50% divorce rate. 2nd marriages are much worse, with something like a 75-80% divorce rate. Drag kids through another divorce, and you're setting them up to have problems connecting with their own future spouses, placing them at higher risk of living in poverty, and going to prison.

[Gwen]

I would sort this out before the wedding (even if it means postponing the wedding). Pre-marriage counseling might be a good idea. Do you have a plan on what you will do financially after the wedding? Still going to keep separate accounts and a yours vs mine deal or is everything coming together as one with an equal say in what/when/how things get paid?

Fights over money is one of the big reasons stated for divorce. It will not get easier with a second marriage. Sort it out now.

[mdfxdb]

You're not married yet. If you already have those sort of resentment about money that will only increase once you are married. He will not change how he deals with money. Don't think he will. An agreement to marry is not marriage. Money in a marriage is a big deal. You need to hash this out before you tie the knot.

[Pistachio]

Sounds like something you should have settled before agreeing to marry him. But since here you are, the message is clear. You know who and what you are marrying. He has told you his plans. You already know how the money will work.

It's not a 'change if you love me' thing. It's a 'take him and stop having a problem with it, or leave him and find someone else' thing.

Choose carefully - your children and his are relying on you making it work this time. Marriage is hard enough with a 50% divorce rate. 2nd marriages are much worse, with something like a 75-80% divorce rate. Drag kids through another divorce, and you're setting them up to have problems connecting with their own future spouses, placing them at higher risk of living in poverty, and going to prison.

Thanks, I certainly do not want to put all these children through another divorce. I would rather stay on my own than get into another marriage with problems that I can see from the get go.

[Pistachio]

I would sort this out before the wedding (even if it means postponing the wedding). Pre-marriage counseling might be a good idea. Do you have a plan on what you will do financially after the wedding? Still going to keep separate accounts and a yours vs mine deal or is everything coming together as one with an equal say in what/when/how things get paid?

Fights over money is one of the big reasons stated for divorce. It will not get easier with a second marriage. Sort it out now.

Hi Gwen,

We only just got engaged and have not booked anything or set a date. I think the counselling sounds like a good idea, but I would have to pay for it and I can't afford it. We had planned to have a joint account with equal say, after marriage.

I want to talk to him about it but I'm worried that it will seem like I'm trying to make him choose between me and his kids. DO I talk to him about it or just accept that he will always put his kids first financially, even if we are struggling and his ex is rolling in dough. Isn't there a way it would be fairer?

[Pistachio]

You're not married yet. If you already have those sort of resentment about money that will only increase once you are married. He will not change how he deals with money. Don't think he will. An agreement to marry is not marriage. Money in a marriage is a big deal. You need to hash this out before you tie the knot.

What you've said really hits hard. Because if this is how he is going to be with money, and he won't change, then there's no use in me talking to him about it. I should start to seriously consider ending it. It won't be easy.

[mdfxdb]

It wont be easy. You need to decide if this is how you are going to live out the rest of your financial life. If you are ok with it then be prepared to take 2nd position as far as finances go for the rest of your life. This means you can't complain, you are accepting it.

Just because you had planned to have a joint account with him in the marriage doesn't mean his behavior will change. I can promise you it will not. When there are kids involved you can throw "equal say" out the window. He will do what he thinks is best for his kids no matter what, as he should. You should do the same. If you can't meet him on those terms then there is no real point to the whole thing.

[Maureen]

What you've said really hits hard. Because if this is how he is going to be with money, and he won't change, then there's no use in me talking to him about it. I should start to seriously consider ending it. It won't be easy.

This is precisely why you and your fiance should be talking about this now. Not talking about it and assuming how's he's going to decide on financial matters is not the answer. Talk to him about what you've asked in this thread. He's the only one who can answer your questions about how he will deal financially with his kids and your future family.

M.

[Gwen]

Hi Gwen,

We only just got engaged and have not booked anything or set a date. I think the counselling sounds like a good idea, but I would have to pay for it and I can't afford it. We had planned to have a joint account with equal say, after marriage.

I want to talk to him about it but I'm worried that it will seem like I'm trying to make him choose between me and his kids. DO I talk to him about it or just accept that he will always put his kids first financially, even if we are struggling and his ex is rolling in dough. Isn't there a way it would be fairer?

If he's not sharing the bills and talking to you about decisions now he won't after you get married. Saying "equal say" and doing it aren't the same thing.

Many churches and counseling facilities will do free pre-marriage classes/counseling. Start doing some investigating and see if you can't find something to get started.

There does have to be choice between "me" and "the kids". That happens in all relationships where kids are involved, even when the kids belong to the both of you. There will be times when you have to make a choice. Baby needs to nurse/eat but mom and dad need cuddle time... guess what... lol Mom and dad need a date but all the field trip deposits are due and there is only so much in the paycheck.... got to make a choice. Some decisions are more clear than others. The two of you need to talk now about where the lines are, what the needs are. His are not the only kids that need providing for.

In my situation I supported my husband completely where his son was concerned. I never nagged about child support, etc. There did come one point where she wanted more money and it would hurt our kids. I did not support that and told my husband to fight it 100%. Which we did and she didn't win... though we are still paying off lawyer fees.... sigh. We are supposed to pay child support until 19 but his son is talking about a mission. If he leaves at 18 I refuse to pay her money if he's not in the house. The money is for him not her. We will take that to court. I have no issue paying the child support as long as it goes to the child, we'll see if we can get it rewritten to pay him instead of her. Those were my boundaries, you have to decide what yours are.

[Smeagums]

You're not married yet. If you already have those sort of resentment about money that will only increase once you are married. He will not change how he deals with money. Don't think he will. An agreement to marry is not marriage. Money in a marriage is a big deal. You need to hash this out before you tie the knot.

This isn't true. When my wife and I got married it was very hard for us, mainly me, to come to an agreement with money. I conceded because my wife's plan was a superior plan than mine and I am thankful for it. I do believe that it is hard for people to conform on money matters because when someone works, and works hard for it, they do with it how they please.

So I understand and say that he can change and an agreement can be made. I was use to doing whatever I wanted with my money, that sounds really selfish, to only having a very small amount of money each month for myself. I am happy and grateful for my wife and budgeting!

[mdfxdb]

This isn't true. When my wife and I got married it was very hard for us, mainly me, to come to an agreement with money. I conceded because my wife's plan was a superior plan than mine and I am thankful for it. I do believe that it is hard for people to conform on money matters because when someone works, and works hard for it, they do with it how they please.

So I understand and say that he can change and an agreement can be made. I was use to doing whatever I wanted with my money, that sounds really selfish, to only having a very small amount of money each month for myself. I am happy and grateful for my wife and budgeting!

You are the exception. Congradulations. Too bad everyone in a marriage isn't like you. The divorce rate would be much lower. I stand by my original statement.

[Pistachio]

Thanks everybody for your advice. I did have a talk with him and apparently I misunderstood what he was saying. He said that he had agreed to do as I suggested and that he is always open to suggestions anyway. It did seem unlike him to ignore ( as I thought) my suggestion. I guess I need to see how it works out with money issues when he starts working, before we start any real wedding plans.

I really appreciate all your inputs and will let you all know how it goes.