How can I handle this?

[diane9986]

So I have been married for a year. Just after I got married my husband told me that he had a masturbation issue. No he does not look at Pornography he doesn't have too. When I mentioned talking to the bishop he said that before we got married he talked to his "home ward" bishop who said that he would just get over it it wasn't a big deal.

well you can imagine my shock when he told me that, as well as when he was still doing it 6-7 months into our marriage. Then he said he "stopped" but guess what that was a lie too..... Just about every 3-4 months he breaks down and tells me that he has been lying to me and that he hasn't stopped... WELL DUH it's not like I couldn't guess when you stopped being intimate with me.

My husband is cheating on me with himself. I don't know what to do or how to handle it! I can't sleep I just feel lied to and alone with all of this! When I talked to my bishop about it he told me that there was nothing he could do because I was not my husband coming in to talk to him. That makes it that much better!

This is really effecting my life. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, I just want to cry and run away. Please if you have gone threw anything like this help me, give me advice, how did you handle it?

[TalkativeIntrovert]

I am surprised you bishop didn't support YOU as you hae a very real problem and have asked for help.

I have some probably very non-lds comments I could make but wont. Can you convince your husband to see bishop?

It is one thing to have the issue whilst still maintaining intimacy with your partner. There is something more horribly wrong when it REPLACES that intimacy.

Have you spoken to your husband about your needs and how you feel? Has he noticed how it is affecting you?

It sounds like he needs 1:1 counselling and you need counselling together to help work through this.

[diane9986]

He wont go see our bishop because before we got married his old bishop told him that he would just stop and it was ok.

We talk about it all the time. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights i have had over the last year. it is just about every 3 months it is brought up. Yes he will stop for a week or two but he just starts it up all over again.

[Bini]

Have you asked your husband why he is choosing to self gratify through masturbation as opposed to being intimate with you? Either something is missing which is triggering this behaviour (maybe your libidos aren't as compatible as you think?), or there's a pornography issue he isn't up front about. But to choose masturbation over being touched and loved by your spouse, doesn't add up. What is the underlying cause..

[diane9986]

it all started when he was 16 with his first girl friend.... she got him addicted.

Edited July 30, 2013 by Eowyn
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[Bini]

OP, am I understanding that he wants certain sexual acts that you are not comfortable with doing, and therefore, does it himself? Sounds odd. At any rate, why not consider compromising and trying some new things? If you absolutely can't stomach something, and a happy medium can't be met, I second the counselling.

Edited July 30, 2013 by Eowyn
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[diane9986]

thanks guys

[Suzie]

My bet is that he has an ongoing pornography issue that it has not been disclosed yet.

[MarginOfError]

I'll also point out that for many chronic masturbators, they masturbate because they feel it relieves stress. This is going to be one of those "easier said than done things" but consistently making a big deal out of it is only going to add more stress and make it harder to break the cycle. You and he need to calmly sit down, identify stressors, and identify better ways to relieve stress, with an agreement of open communication about setbacks and relapses that don't come with punitive measures.

I know, easier said than done.

The other thing that stands out in your description is he has discontinued physical intimacy with you in favor of masturbation. While this does happen in extreme cases, the majority of masturbators are able to continue with normal sexual relations in spite of the masturbation. If your husband is unable to do so, I would recommend he seek professional therapy and counseling. I would consider this a serious quality of life issue that needs to be addressed with someone with better training than priesthood leaders receive.

[Bini]

Could be a stress reliever. That slipped my mind. Good post, MOE.