I don't belong

[mcknzm7]

I don't know if I'm looking for advice, or I just need to vent or what. I've been lurking for awhile, and decided I would finally post something, although I may sound pathetic.

Here's the situation.

I'm home from school right now, for a short six weeks. I've been home for two so I've got about a month before I head back up there. I've come home for summers before, and it's been alright. I like being around my family, I've liked the YSA scene, etc.

The problem is that this time, I feel so uncomfortable. I feel like I don't belong anywhere at all. I don't feel like I fit in or belong in the Singles ward, I don't feel like I belong in my family ward, I just feel so out of place. It has been very uncomfortable for me and I have felt very lost. I'm close to 22, the majority of the YSA members are 18-19, premissionaries, and even if there are any my age, a ton of people that I don't know have moved in. That's not a huge difference, but it is at this age. I'm not good at making new friends, and even if I have one there, I still feel so out of place. I can't even describe it. It's gotten to the point where I no longer want to go to church, but I go because I know I need to. I have a hard time listening because of the discomfort I feel. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I'm starting my senior year of college single, and it seems that most girls get married very soon after they start school. I feel like the people in my branch think there's something wrong with me because I'm not married yet. While I would like to get married someday, I hate the feeling that I've always had from leaders pressuring us.

Agh. It's gotten to the point where I'm just venting.

I'll be done now.

I'm up for any advice, but if nothing else, I've gotten these feelings out. Thanks for listening folks.

[Praetorian_Brow]

I just failed YSA, as I just turned 31 and didn't graduate with a wedding ring, so I can understand your feelings. I have no desire to attend a family ward, but I have no options, so I am currently not attending church. Contrary to public perception, there is nothing wrong with single people, even if I have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Find a friend, as that helps keep it comfortable. For a long time, I just stubbornly went to YSA when I reactivated myself, but I trod on a lot of toes because people tried to place me in their molds. As well, I didn't share the social cliches, so I probably pushed some peoples buttons, but at least it got them thinking.

Find someone who you think looks as awkward as you feel and go introduce yourself, as no doubt there is always someone like that and its surprising how you can connect.

[lagarthaaz]

On the plus side, you've only got a month more to put up with it before you head back to school.

I feel for you - you might be surprised how many people are probably feeling the same way. Could you get involved with a group of people who have a mutual interest (other than getting married off asap), like a choir, social sports team, or even just hang out with the missionaries for a few weeks doing service activities and such?

[LDSVALLEY]

I suppose since I am married and not single my advice might be out of place but......

When we moved into our current ward I felt out of place, my wife still feels out of place. Most people I have talked to feel, can you guess........out of place, Correct!!!!!!!!!!!!

Truly, I believe that in today's insulated society most of us feel out of place no matter what our situation. I do not make light of your feelings believe me I know how real they feel. But the honest truth is most of us feel as you do some or all the time.

The trick I have found is to fake feeling like you belong. Join in, force yourself to be involved, to get involved in everything you can. To pretend to be confident and self assured. In time you will begin to feel more like you fit in.

Remember it is not just your feelings you are dealing with but your salvation, people in a community used to be all in similar situations, income, life style etc. Now it is very diverse and people who appear that they are part of a click often feel like they don't belong.

But it is your salvation that you go to church for not to fit in. Take a risk and fake it for a while. I am glad I did otherwise I would most likely have walked out years ago. I still feel at times like I don't fit with the rest of the Ward then I tell myself that is their problem and I show up for the next service project with a grin and put my shoulder to the wheel. It's not easy but it does work. And it is worth it.

[NeuroTypical]

Hi mcknzm7. I can't really say anything to help, but I can say you're in good company. I pretty much felt that way until I was 26. Sometimes life throws stuff like that at us.

Feel free to follow everyone else's advice, I just wanted you to know you're hardly the only one out there who's been in that situation. If you can beat my score, I'll email you a blue ribbon. :)

[Dravin]

The problem is that this time, I feel so uncomfortable. I feel like I don't belong anywhere at all. I don't feel like I fit in or belong in the Singles ward, I don't feel like I belong in my family ward, I just feel so out of place.

At this point you are essentially visiting a ward for six weeks aren't you? Even if it was your home ward (in the case of the family ward), if a large number of people have changed then I could see how one would feel a little bit of an outsider. It takes time before the ward starts to feel like an old glove particularly if one is of a more introverted nature.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Dravin

[Roseslipper]

I understand how you feel I have felt the same way many times through out my life, and even when I am with many of my good friends who I know love me. I shouldnt of felt like that, but I did. So maybe its just a human thing. Try to over ride it and mingle and enjoy as much as you can and hopefully you wont feel out of place any more.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Roseslipper

[Roseslipper]

Hi mcknzm7. I can't really say anything to help, but I can say you're in good company. I pretty much felt that way until I was 26. Sometimes life throws stuff like that at us.

Feel free to follow everyone else's advice, I just wanted you to know you're hardly the only one out there who's been in that situation. If you can beat my score, I'll email you a blue ribbon. :)

lol lm :lol:like your blue ribbon thing hehe

[Roseslipper]

I just failed YSA, as I just turned 31 and didn't graduate with a wedding ring, so I can understand your feelings. I have no desire to attend a family ward, but I have no options, so I am currently not attending church. Contrary to public perception, there is nothing wrong with single people, even if I have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Find a friend, as that helps keep it comfortable. For a long time, I just stubbornly went to YSA when I reactivated myself, but I trod on a lot of toes because people tried to place me in their molds. As well, I didn't share the social cliches, so I probably pushed some peoples buttons, but at least it got them thinking.

Find someone who you think looks as awkward as you feel and go introduce yourself, as no doubt there is always someone like that and its surprising how you can connect.

oh Praetorian_Brow, dont let that stop you from going to church I hope u get back to church walk in tall, head held up high, with confidence and your smile and your handshake, and get to know the people, say hi, mingle you are very much needed in the family ward...please dont feel like u flunk out cause you didnt get married yet. When she comes, you will be happy doesnt matter if it happened in a single ward or family ward...Walk tall your a warrior of God!!

[Lakumi]

I suppose since I am married and not single my advice might be out of place but......

When we moved into our current ward I felt out of place, my wife still feels out of place. Most people I have talked to feel, can you guess........out of place, Correct!!!!!!!!!!!!

Truly, I believe that in today's insulated society most of us feel out of place no matter what our situation. I do not make light of your feelings believe me I know how real they feel. But the honest truth is most of us feel as you do some or all the time.

The trick I have found is to fake feeling like you belong. Join in, force yourself to be involved, to get involved in everything you can. To pretend to be confident and self assured. In time you will begin to feel more like you fit in.

Remember it is not just your feelings you are dealing with but your salvation, people in a community used to be all in similar situations, income, life style etc. Now it is very diverse and people who appear that they are part of a click often feel like they don't belong.

But it is your salvation that you go to church for not to fit in. Take a risk and fake it for a while. I am glad I did otherwise I would most likely have walked out years ago. I still feel at times like I don't fit with the rest of the Ward then I tell myself that is their problem and I show up for the next service project with a grin and put my shoulder to the wheel. It's not easy but it does work. And it is worth it.

after awhile faking it becomes so grating and tiring you just can't continue.

I have faked all of that my whole life, and at 24/25 I lost all desire to.

I somewhat share this person's problem, I fit in nowhere (and I know even if I do join the church I won't fit in around anyone my age).

a quick fix won't solve my problems and it may or may not solve the OP's

[dahlia]

Wow. 2013 and we have women who feel out of place because they aren't married at 20. This blows my mind.

You probably don't want to hear this, but just keep going to church. As others have stated, many of us feel out of place in one environment or another. You will either start feeling like you belong or you won't. Just keep going to church and receiving the Sacrament.

You are in college - keep your mind on your school work and don't worry about being married or not right now.

[mrmarklin]

Wow. 2013 and we have women who feel out of place because they aren't married at 20. This blows my mind.

You probably don't want to hear this, but just keep going to church. As others have stated, many of us feel out of place in one environment or another. You will either start feeling like you belong or you won't. Just keep going to church and receiving the Sacrament.

You are in college - keep your mind on your school work and don't worry about being married or not right now.

20 is way too young to get married IMHO.

[LDSVALLEY]

after awhile faking it becomes so grating and tiring you just can't continue.

I have faked all of that my whole life, and at 24/25 I lost all desire to.

I somewhat share this person's problem, I fit in nowhere (and I know even if I do join the church I won't fit in around anyone my age).

a quick fix won't solve my problems and it may or may not solve the OP's

The idea is to fake it until you begin to feel where you fit in. No one can keep faking it.

I find 7 habits of highly effective families. Steven R Covey. is very helpful. It is not written for members but he was a member.

[Lakumi]

The idea is to fake it until you begin to feel where you fit in. No one can keep faking it.

I find 7 habits of highly effective families. Steven R Covey. is very helpful. It is not written for members but he was a member.

I never fit in, anywhere

never have, never will. I am just too out there for people to really understand

habits of families? I don't have a family

me reproducing is just not a good idea (not only do I have all sorts of nutty idea's and problems but what would the woman have? she'd have to be pretty out there to want to marry me)

[LDSVALLEY]

I never fit in, anywhere

never have, never will. I am just too out there for people to really understand

habits of families? I don't have a family

me reproducing is just not a good idea (not only do I have all sorts of nutty idea's and problems but what would the woman have? she'd have to be pretty out there to want to marry me)

You might be surprised over how many people think the same way.

His first book was 7 habits of highly effective people if that is better.

The family one has more stories in it which help most people so I recommend that one.

And sorry you do have a family. You were born into one, you were baptized into a Ward one, and you belong to a heavenly one.

I don't mean to make light of the feelings people have with this issue, I have been there several times. I have just learned 2 things about it.

1 most people who seem happy and "in" feel like they don't fit in at one point or another.

2 Often it is our own perspective that is off and we view ourselves different then how others view us.

I told my Bishop once that I didn't fit in and he told me I was nuts. That it was how I was looking at it that was wrong. OF course I assumed he was off his rocker and didn't know what he was talking about. But then I though what if he was right? So I assumed I fit in for awhile and acted like I did and then realized I did have connections and contacts.

I was still different, I have different interests then I think everyone at church, a weird sense of humor and I think differently then most of them. But I can still be "in".

Having talked to members about being in or out most people believe they are out even those considered the head of the in groups. 90% of the time it comes down to how we think, not how others think about us.

[Lakumi]

You might be surprised over how many people think the same way.

His first book was 7 habits of highly effective people if that is better.

The family one has more stories in it which help most people so I recommend that one.

And sorry you do have a family. You were born into one, you were baptized into a Ward one, and you belong to a heavenly one.

I think its more my very introverted nature that makes me not fit in (usually since I keep away from others- a variety of reasons, from having nothing to say to them or just not liking them)

As the last son of Krypton I have no parents, they died (I kid of course, normally I use the Batman origin story, I more meant like wife or children or something)

I was never baptized, I am not LDS (though have considered it, and that's why I am here)

[JodyTJ]

I think its more my very introverted nature that makes me not fit in (usually since I keep away from others- a variety of reasons, from having nothing to say to them or just not liking them)

As the last son of Krypton I have no parents, they died (I kid of course, normally I use the Batman origin story, I more meant like wife or children or something)

I was never baptized, I am not LDS (though have considered it, and that's why I am here)

I'm an introvert to, though, I think that's going to change when I get accustomed to Mormon culture (it is quite different, and that is what is so appealing about it). I think you'll fit in. You fit in on LDS.net, and most of the people on here are Mormon. Plus, most people are understanding of different habits and such.

Oh, and remember how polite and open minded Canadians are.

[Lakumi]

I have some bad habits, and some truly bizarre interests. I've gotten some people here give me the virtual "what the heck" stare. And I am first to admit the dolls are weird but they are a part of my life and I treasure them.

In my experience people shun the odd ones, or maybe they just shun me.

I don't think I will be shunned by the Mormons, but I don't think I will be their friend either, just how life goes for me.

[NeuroTypical]

I fit in just fine. I work in a building full of introverted engineers, and when they get together and socialize, I'm the one standing in the corner watching everyone.

It stopped being 'not fitting in' once I got comfortable with who I was.

[lagarthaaz]

I fit in just fine. I work in a building full of introverted engineers, and when they get together and socialize, I'm the one standing in the corner watching everyone.

It stopped being 'not fitting in' once I got comfortable with who I was.

I think I'm teaching the next generation of your introverts. Some of my former students who are now doing engineering degrees came to our Senior Formal (Prom? Whatever you call it) wearing Dr Who suits and sat at their group table playing with their Dr Who Screwdrivers. You can never get a word out of any of them, but mention computers or Dr Who and they become extremely funny and animated :) They gave me a Tardis cookie jar when they graduated from high school :)

[Dravin]

I fit in just fine. I work in a building full of introverted engineers, and when they get together and socialize, I'm the one standing in the corner watching everyone.

It stopped being 'not fitting in' once I got comfortable with who I was.

Indeed, if you are introverted and you are spending your time in social situations (even Church) comparing yourself to the more extroverted people and wondering why you aren't like them and otherwise spend the time measuring yourself against their yardstick and declaring yourself wanting it is hard to be comfortable.