LaughingMan Posted August 14, 2013 Report Share Posted August 14, 2013 My name is Isaac Gabriel. It is a fitting name. The name of someone who laughs, but has great messages to share. I am 29 years old, and live in Missouri, though truly I feel at home most anywhere I am, so long as I am around people that I trust. I have grown up with two loving amazing parents who are both members of the church. My mother was a convert when she married my father and collectively (yours, mine and ours family) there are seven children including myself. All of the male children are active in the church (except myself at the moment), one of my sisters is an inactive member, another is Buddhist but attended church from roughly the ages 11-18, and the last is spiritual but not religious. I am the youngest by 16 years. My fathers side of the family has been in the Church since nearly the beginning, and has a long history. My progenitors were among the first to be baptized in the United Kingdom (specifically Wales). My great-great-grandfather was the last Stake President of St. Louis before the Stake was closed during the Extermination Order. Another traded suits with Parley P. Pratt in an attempt to prevent Pratts assassination, and Pratt was killed wearing my grandfathers suit. Two relatives owned property in Nauvoo, and a house still stands on the property one owned. The last I will mention was the first blacksmith in the Idaho territory. President Young sent him north from Salt Lake City to assist efforts in the Logan, Utah area, but he went a little too far... In general, strong faith characterizes my forebears, and I am no different. However, one of the greatest strengths, and simultaneous weaknesses is our stubborn nature. My faith has never been the question, but I am tormented. I over-analyze everything, and doubt myself and my capabilities to the extreme. My fathers grandmother had a vision once; she was being assaulted by the adversary and succeeded in fending him off, but as he departed finally, he told her implicitly that if he could not have her, he would come after her progeny ten-fold. I've never met him, but he's certainly made himself very much known in parts of my life. It is said that the greater your faith and your knowledge, the more Lucifer works at you. I know this is the truth because I've felt his work. It also is said that our Father in Heaven and our elder brother Jesus know us better than we know ourselves, as they know us personally, without the veil that clouds our memories of the pre-existence; conversely, it is not often thought that Lucifer, as our brother as well, knows us just as well. He knows our strengths, and he knows our weaknesses. He knows exactly where to hit us and how and where it counts the most. As earlier stated, I am a member. One could say I'm mildly active, even though I'm aware that is a bit of a logical fallacy. I go to church, but on a somewhat irregular basis at this point. I am far from perfect, I have my faults. I know that my faults are no greater or more insignificant than those of others, but having seen what I've seen and experienced that which I have experienced I am not entirely comfortable at this point making myself more of a fixture in my local singles Ward. I've bared my soul to my fellow single adults, in testimony, and as a substitute Sunday school teacher. When I was nearly 16, I lost one of my heroes. My paternal grandfather, one of the greatest men I've ever known, died. He was very ill and living in California, and gave up the spirit rather abruptly, and we were left without a chance to say goodbye. It was my first experience with the death of a loved one, and unfortunately my second came extremely quickly. Roughly six weeks later, I was at a mutual friends house with my best friend, and a fourth person. My best friend and I stayed in the house and the other two went out to shoot a tin can with the mutual friend. When the two came back inside, the removed the clip, but forgot about the round in the chamber, and my best friend was shot in the face and was brain-dead before he hit the floor. This has haunted me since the very second it occurred. I've not ever been the same since. Within six months, my maternal grandmother, who was seemingly the picture of health, collapsed suddenly in pain at her home, called my uncle, was taken to the hospital, and died the next morning. For many years, I refused help. My parents tried to get me to attend counseling, which I did. Unfortunately, I'm intelligent enough that I was fully capable of talking circles around the counselors, to appease my parents. Eventually, a few years later than most, I decided it was time to go on my mission. I received my patriarchal blessing, attended the temple for the first time (which was an immense experience that I will not at this time go into, and have only in the last 8 months discovered a fragment of the magnitude of it) and received a mission call to the Philippines Manila Mission. After my third week in the MTC, I had a massive panic attack that lasted days. I was sent home with the message that I had an immense ability to relate to people and reach them emotionally. I was told that my mission in life was my life. My life was my mission. I'd shown the willingness to serve, and that was enough, but that I was welcome to return to the field at any time I wished. I made my share of mistakes upon returning. I nearly got married to a girl who nearly joined the church, but freaked out and returned to her Baptist roots, and constantly told me I was going to burn in hell for all time. I lost my virginity to her, which was the mistake. The relationship was a learning experience which I did not learn from quickly enough. After we split, I made another awful decision, and dated an attractive young married woman who was separated. I've atoned for those mistakes. However the guilt, pain, loss and breaking of trust finally began to catch up with me, and crush me. I still admitted nothing so far as psychological issues, until last December. In the six years from the end of the previously mentioned relationship, until last December, I was in emotional hell. I admitted having no issues, but I was in immense pain. My family couldn't help me. I wouldn't allow them to help me. I'd have panic attacks, mood swings, go from exhaustion to bouncing off the walls, rage issues, constant fear and paranoia. I finally broke down and begged for help, but I'd silenced myself for so many years, I couldn't find the words. Its still difficult for me to open up, but I've forced myself to do just that. I have my bad days, and my good days... at this point, there are more negative than positive. Its a process feeling out the medications I'm on now, and balancing what I know is the truth, and the faith that I have, with the swirling, boiling emotions that permeate me at times. I've a combination of Bipolar, PTSD, Major Depressive and General Anxiety disorders, with myriad tendencies. Many of these are at odds with the way I've felt since I was a child, which tears at me from the inside at times. As a child and early teenager, I was known for my sensitivity and empathy. I still have those traits, but I'm far more guarded about them as a general rule. I feel as though I've rambled enough for now, and I feel like I've barely scratched the surface, but I'm glad to be here, and hope to be able to support and converse with all of you more in the future! Isaac Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted August 14, 2013 Report Share Posted August 14, 2013 Welcome Isaac and thank you for sharing your story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TalkativeIntrovert Posted August 15, 2013 Report Share Posted August 15, 2013 Welcome Isaac - great name - it is my son's name and chosen because of the meaning as you mention :) Your family history is amazing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaughingMan Posted August 16, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 16, 2013 Thank you to both of you... for all the reasons!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lakumi Posted August 16, 2013 Report Share Posted August 16, 2013 I didn't know I could have an into novel mind you most of my novels aren't really appropriate for LDS.net Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaughingMan Posted August 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2013 I didn't know I could have an into novel mind you most of my novels aren't really appropriate for LDS.netIts more an auto-biography... a lot of times the bio's would have to be edited just as much as a novel!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lakumi Posted August 17, 2013 Report Share Posted August 17, 2013 Its more an auto-biography... a lot of times the bio's would have to be edited just as much as a novel!! my bio talks about some of my dreams, and they are crazy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JodyTJ Posted August 17, 2013 Report Share Posted August 17, 2013 Welcome to LDS.net. That was an interesting read. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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