Anti Social Advice

[MsValerie]

If you read my intro post you will see I am new, learning and deciding on if LDS is the right place for me. I've never felt 100% in sync (if that's the right term) with the domination I was raised in (Protestant).

I am a very anti-social person. I always have been, I prefer my own company most of the time and have very few friends. I do not drive and live in the country (well, what I consider the country since I'm surrounded by farm land, etc) so at the same time it is hard for me to meet people. The area I live in is mostly people in the mid 40s and above as well (other than the teenage and children).

One of the main reasons for being anti-social lately, at least the last couple of years is because of my trouble trusting people, this causes me not to want to meet anybody new/make new friends. Most of that revolves around former places of employment and people I thought were friends. I've had 2 jobs outside of the home and both ended badly, with my getting fired for something I did not do. The people saying I did these things (one was giving away a pack of cigarettes to somebody I used to be in school with, the person behind them in line was the managers husband, he didn't stick around long enough to watch me purchase them for the people, but told his wife I was stealing and I got fired the next day. His wife told the District Manager, who fired me. The people even came in (as well as the person I was working with the night before) to tell her what happened, and she told them all that it was too late, she'd already fired me), the second incident was along the same lines, but with beer (somebody asked me if they could have the 5$ discount (which is something that store was known for, someone gives the person working 5$ so they can pocket it and get what the want from the shop). I told the person no, I don't do that (and I didn't, I was the only one) she said OK. I didn't know she had actually stole beer until the day I got fired (which was weeks later as they were waiting for me to get my check and take it from me, the girl had purchased beer the night in question as well).

So, I basically got screwed by people I thought were friends of mine as I worked at both places for almost 2 years (per place). The first, they waited for the manager to go away on vacation. The second, they waited for my check to get there, so they knew 2 weeks before firing me that they were going too. Both places, they basically made me sign a paper saying what I "stole" or I'd get arrested, a cop was on hand at the second location. The second location wanted my whole entire check, for what I later found out (after going to court and talking to probation officer, as I'd never seen the police report, nor was I ever arrested/taken to get finger printed, etc) was for $20 and some change. I told the cop about everything going on and complained to the higher ups in the company (as well as customers, family, other employees, etc) and was told that I was just trying to get back at them for firing me (I wasn't. The manager at location 2 told me that I'd have to sleep in the store if I couldn't get the door to lock - with witnesses)...

So those both made my trust issues even more difficult and hard to get past. It's been over 3 years since the 2nd and about 10 years since the first and I still get emotional talking/thinking about them. So, I don't trust people and am very picky about who my friends are, most of the friends I have I've known since I was in high school at least, and they don't live close to me anymore (or never have). I am looking for advice on how too join a community so open as LDS and feel wanted within that community. It's one of the things that draws me towards LDS, the community aspect, but I can't seem to get past my past issues/feelings. Should I talk to somebody about it? I don't want to talk to a Bishop, as I don't feel that I deserve to be able to as I have not been baptized within the LDS religion.

[EarlJibbs]

There are several on this forum that would be able to relate to your anti-social issues I think. I dont think you would have a problem feeling accepted, you may actually feel a little overwhelmed by joining a very social group like the LDS.

I am in no way dicouraging it, just a little warning that you may get bombarded with love and attention. I say go for it and see how you like it. Being a member of the church is one thing I really rely on. I know that anywhere I go, I instantly have friends and a group of people that understand my beleifs and accept me. I love it.

[estradling75]

Don't put your trust in people... Put your trust in the Lord.

It has been said that church is a hospital for sinners not a home for saints. So when you go... go with the mind set that while the Church teaches true and correct principles everyone there are going to be struggling in some way with living up to those standards (even the leaders)...

All that community and trying to be friendly and helpful that you see is made up of people trying (and sometimes failing) to live as Christ taught... This works great until we fail then we need a lot of tolerance and repentance and forgiveness to keep going which is also what Christ taught.

Move forward as fast as you feel comfortable that moving forward is what God would have you do.

[Yehshen]

Ms. Valerie:

I converted to the Church about 2 years ago, and even my kindest friends label me anti-social. I have had no problems with acceptance, but as one of the earlier posters said, it was a bit of a challenge getting used to the "community" - which is very open and caring.

Alas, the thing that attracts me about the LDS church is the community, but the community is very very social.

So, I've had to set some ground rules. I don't want people visiting me - and I was originally freaked out when at baptism, I was told my address would be given to everyone. No!!!!!

You know, its the old break up story: it's not you, it's me. But after two years everyone is tolerant of my wish to have home teaching/visiting teaching at church, in restauants, etc. I tell people I'm embarrassed that my house is messy (true enough) but basically I just am uncomfortable entertaining people.

I would just tell people how you are feeling.

[Lakumi]

There are several on this forum that would be able to relate to your anti-social issues I think. I dont think you would have a problem feeling accepted, you may actually feel a little overwhelmed by joining a very social group like the LDS.

I am in no way dicouraging it, just a little warning that you may get bombarded with love and attention. I say go for it and see how you like it. Being a member of the church is one thing I really rely on. I know that anywhere I go, I instantly have friends and a group of people that understand my beleifs and accept me. I love it.

yo

while I have never met anyone who understands me, the church is nice to me

and its really me and my anti socialness that has kept me away (I'll go back, then vanish then go back, its a spiral) and they'll come to see that

nothing I can really do about that

[Misshalfway]

Well, it sounds like even though you know you have trust issues, that you are actually very attracted to the social opportunities in the church. It sounds like you really want to get involved and feel wanted, but that you are afraid you'll trust and end up getting hurt again.

I wish I could promise you that being in the church would be a perfectly safe situation and that you'll never get hurt again. I can't. But that doesn't mean that the church and it's social structure still isn't a really good place for you. It could be a place you could heal. I don't know. What I do know is that you aren't alone. Many have been through hard things where they were profoundly hurt or betrayed. And many are compassionate and understanding. It's hard, though, even with the best recommendations, to trust when you have been so badly hurt. It's hard to act when our insides are trying so hard to keep us safe. It sounds to me like you'd be rather social now if it hadn't been for your history. Am I getting that right? I guess you'll just have to decide if staying completely safe is worth it. I've been through some hurtful betrayals and sometimes its still really hard for me to do social interactions. But I've also noticed that staying isolated isn't so great either. I've had to learn how to balance what I can do with what I can't. If big parties are hard, then I opt for connections with a few friends. If one on ones are hard ( i hate going to lunch for example), I've chosen bigger parties where I can blend in more. It's ok to move forward with caution as you try to find a strategy that works for you. And it's ok to respect the limits of your trauma. But don't always trust your caution as the wisest advice. Sometimes staying safe isn't the best thing. It keeps us stuck.

Have you ever considered that you might have some post traumatic stress symptoms? I guess I'm wondering if doing some therapy might help. It could, at the very least, help you understand yourself, develop adaptive coping skills, and maybe even help you clear the trust issues all together. I don't know. Just an idea.

One more question, if you didn't find your trust issues interfering with things, would you have any other concerns about joining the church?