Trust vs Love in marriage

[cheezits]

Wondering how people feel about trust and love in a marriage. I've read about a lot of marriages where trust is broken or almost non-existent, but there is still love. Would you consider a marriage without complete trust a celestial marriage? Haven't trusted my spouse in regard to his pornography problem for almost 4 decades. I think he's trying, but I also think he's gotten better at hiding it too. So, the lack of trust. He lost a job because of his problem, but he has been able to keep his current job for over 5 years. I'm thankful, but I still wouldn't be surprised if he ever loses this one. I'm here because I care about him and our family. I think you could call this love. I serve him and help him. I've read that love is a verb and a choice. But I think that love, without trust, is not what could be considered a celestial marriage. Any feedback/comments would be appreciated.

[AngelMarvel]

I personally don't think that "love" is really "love" without trust, respect, commitment, compassion, and a lot of other things that could bring real "love" into the relationship.

We usually start out in a relationship with just a feeling that starts to grow. Sometimes we even say how much we love someone when we have only known them for a very short time... not even time enough to build trust or all those other things. That kind of love is what I would consider infatuation or puppy love. It may or may not continue on to grow and it could also last a very long time without ever moving on in the relationship.

Then there is romantic love. Everything is all peachy keen and roses. But, still there may not be trust and other things involved because trust needs to build over time. You don't just meet someone today and trust them... you don't even know them to know if you can trust them. You can give them the benefit of the doubt that they are trustworthy...but you don't know that really.

Trust is an earned thing. I used to tell my children... I trust you to come home at 8pm. When they didn't show up at 8pm then it may have just been a mistake... watch not working, no clock, messed up etc. But, when they didn't come home at 8pm for a number of times...it's not a mistake any longer and I didn't trust them any more that their curfew would be met. It would take a while of them coming home at 8pm until I started trusting them again. That is just really a simplistic scenario.

Could it be a celestial marriage? I think with work in the marriage that trust can be built or rebuilt. That would depend on you and your spouse and how much you have invested in this marriage. I think the love fades when the mistrust comes into play, but I also thing that if you really love this person, then that love can be rebuilt.

Ummmm... not sure if that made sense. I am not the best with word that I write. It all sounds great and organized in my head.

[Bini]

The ideal relationship would consist of respect, trust and love but not everyone is so lucky. Everyone's relationships start and endure differently. There are many kinds of love, there's unselfish love and there's selfish love. You can love someone so strongly that their happiness comes before your own, or you can love someone so strongly that you manipulate in order to fulfill your own happiness. The best kind of love is that which is webbed with respect and trust. Love can exist without either but that's not the kind of love that the Lord wants for us. Ultimately, I believe that in order to have an eternal marriage and family, those three things must be in the mix. And for those of us that fall short in one of those three aspects, it takes patience and room for improvement, to build healthy and long lasting relationships with our loved ones. So those are my thoughts.

[MrShorty]

A few thoughts, maybe contradictory, seemingly random:

1) It seems that, to develop the kind of unity that we aspire to (to become one like Christ and the Father are one), we need to develop a great deal of trust in our spouse. As laudable as this is for a goal, is it practical to think we will be able to develop this level of trust in an imperfect, mortal, human being?

2) We often use the word trust without qualification. In your case, I assume you are meaning that you are not sure if you will ever trust him to never use porn again. For a behavior that has been 4 decades in the making and as addictive as some people claim porn is, you may very well be correct -- you may never be able to trust him to be completely free of porn. At least, not until Christ can take him and purge this stain from him, which might not be until sometime in the next life.

3) Perhaps in building trust, we need to be more specific in who or what we are trusting. Perhaps in your case, holding out for the "trust you not to look at porn again" and stating that trust is impossible until you reach that point is too much. I recall an article by Mark Chamberlain (mark chamberlain porn out wife in - Yahoo! Search Results) where he talks about the importance for a husband to be able to tell his wife about it. So, perhaps a good first goal is to look for "can I trust him to tell me when he slips." rather than looking for complete abstinence. Interestingly, I expect that his willingness to come to you is going to be strongly influenced by his "trust" that you will react positively rather than negatively, supportive without being condemning, calm instead of hysterical. Can he trust you with his deepest secrets and his deepest struggles. Don't think that I am saying you should not be offended by his porn use or that you should give him some kind of "free pass" for his sin.

In building trust, especially in a situation like yours where trust has been severely compromised, it might be important to rebuild that trust in baby steps, finding ways to grow together, knowing that there will be setbacks along the way.

[Quin]

I haven't known any where trust STAYS broken.

The broken part tends to be the crisis point. Do or die. Stay or leave.

Because one way r another trust returns.

Either the "good" kind of trust... the kind of trust where you know you come first.

OR trusting that this is just the latest affair (aka more coming), or that this time they're really sorry (only to be hit again, it may be stupid, but it's still trust), that it really isn't his/her fault but their own (of course they trust their spouse! It was their fault, not their spouse's), etc.

Trust (the good kimd) Is often broken multiple times in a marriage before it reforms into sick-trust or I don't trust.

I've never known anyone who didn't trust their spouse who stayed married.

Either they stayed married and trusted that more (affairs,,beatings, lies, etc.) was in their future, or they stopped trusting all together and got divorced.

Q

[TalkativeIntrovert]

Broken trust over time = loss of feeling and love.

I used to love my husband so much it hurt, I still look at him and remember the love I used to have and that hurts even more because it will never come back.

I no longer trust him. He has broken his word too many times and caused damage to the family in doing so. The last time I confronted him with the evidence of his broken promise he looked at me and cried, he said he could see that it had ripped my heart out and asked if it could ever be fixed. I said no. I didn't cry, I was just dead inside. Love without trust doesn't exist in my life.

If he was really repentant, he would be doing something about it - return to church, confess to Bishop or even just make reparations (repay the money he has gambled by stopping golf and nights out). He has done none of that. He has continued on as if nothing as happened.

When we married, we talked about the most important things to us. My top one was honesty - no lies, ever. I talk to the kids about honesty all the time, I have it on my resume as one of the most import character traits. He knows this, and lies.

I am still married at the moment. The children are teens and they need both parents. In 4 years the youngest is finished school. It wont be a hard decision what to do when he leaves for University.

In regards to celestial marriage, I don't want to be married forever to someone I can't trust, so I guess that makes the celestial marriage irrelevant.