how do I reconcile this hurt?

[missmollymormon]

Hey guys, this might be a long one but please bear with me.

My heart is aching, I mean truly aching.. I guess I will have to start from the beginning.

I joined the church almost two years ago. Missionaries came to our door, and taught us. It wasnt long before I knew the church was true. At that time, I wasnt aware of the missionary rules. I knew they werent allowed to date on their mission but I thought that they were allowed to have crushes. I know now I was wrong about that, but anyway on with the story.

So I found myself quickly falling for an elder. It was electric. Our chemistry was so obvious that a couple of people commented.

He baptized me.

He came to our house every day, we played cards and board games, joked, and even lit fireworks and sparkler bombs in my backyard. We had nerf gun wars, and generally mucked around. When we had lessons, the spirit was so strong. When my father had suspected prostate cancer, he gave Dad a blessing that left us all, including him in tears. He confided some of his past to my mother, and talked of his depression. My mother confided in him things that happened to her as a child he cried, mum cried. He shared some of his diary entries with her. He was extremely close to our family. He was attached to us and we were attached to him.My mother thought of him as a son. Sometimes, he didn't come to teach, but rather have a good chat and a laugh. Like I said, I didnt know the missionary rules back then. He even hugged me and my mother on occasion. He dropped hints that he wanted to get to know me better after his mission.

Before he baptized me, my mother told him how I felt about him.She had happened to bump into him at a shopping centre. At the time, he was on a mission to buy me a plush pig because he knew how much I like pigs. He called me after and told me that he thought my upcoming atonement could be go the benefit of "someone else" as well-referring to himself. As in, and I quote "Megan I also think that your atonement could be to the benefit of SOMEONE ELSE as well.." I guess that was his way of saying he was interested too.

The day of my baptism, he came over and gave me a stuffed pig.He hugged me after baptizing me, in the chapel in front of other members of the ward. One lady commented to me that he seemed quite flirty with me. I would catch him looking at me quite often.

He was due to finish his mission just after christmas, so on christmas day I thought I would slip a note in his stocking to tell him how I felt, and that I would wait for him to finish his mission.

That night, he called me at 1030pm, for no reason- he was just playing around with the nicknacks I placed in the stocking. He had obviously found the note, but didnt mention it.

The next day (he was at our house daily) he came over and pulled my mum aside, he asked her if it was really me that snuck the note into the stocking. She told him it was. He admitted to my mum that he was attracted to me and made an arrangement to come to my house the next day to talk with me in private. My mum told him that I wanted to pursue a relationship with him when he finished. He said to her "I wish".

So the next day, he comes over. His companion was inside the house talking to my family while the elder and I had a private chat. He told me that once his mission was over, we could vjsit with each other. He told me that he felt that I was the reason for his mission, that he was suicidal before he met my family. He told me that he didnt know if he could handle leaving his mission and not being able to see us every day. He hugged me, and had his arm around me. He told me that he would at least always be my friend. He also said that he always knew I liked him. Even before he baptized me.

One day, he took my Mum for walk. He asked my mother what she wanted for me in my life. My mother told him that she wanted me to marry and have children. He told her that it's already happened. Mum asked him "Are you telling me what I think you are telling me?" He hit the ground and nodded "yes".

Later, he changed companions. This companion obviously did not like what he was seeing. They came to give me a comfort blessing the day before I was due to go on a holiday. During our holiday, we found out that my crush elder had an emergency transfer. I was devastated, but he only had two weeks left of his mission, so I figured I would hear from him soon enough.

When I came home frm my holiday, he had pulled a dodgy with some other elders so that he could come back to our house. He told us again that he loved us, and promised he would come back in a month after he had settled back home. He said that he hoped to be back as soon as possible, but he wasn't sure what his family situation would be like when he got home. He refused to leave without hugging us. We showered him with gifts from our trip. As far as we were concerned, he was part of our family. We loved him. He ended up leaving our house quite late that night. The other Elders were getting quite annoyed with him for staying out so late past curfew.

So his mission finished. After a week or two, I contacted him. All he gave were vague responses. I was quite concerned, I thought maybe he was just depressed. He barely answered any messages. I was hurt. It was so unlike him, he usually would respond to us straight away. As time went on, he became more aloof. I made the mistake of asking if he was okay... It seemed to offend him. I didn't understand any of this.

A few months later, I organized to meet with him in his home town. There, he told me that he wasn't ready to visit us in our town. I understood that, and we had a good time, we went to Luna Park and enjoyed the rides and I saw hints of the fun person he was on his mission. He clearly didn't want to drop us back off at our hotel. He seemed like himself again for a few hours. He organized with me to visit his ward the next morning, so I caught an hour long train there. But when I got there, something seemed off. I briefly met his parents. Straight after the lessons, he dropped me back at the train station.... didnt even invite me over for lunch or to hang out. I thought his parents would be interested to hear my conversion story seeing as their son baptized me. I was quite surprised by this. I had flown over there to see him, and he had promised for us to hang out after his mission. He didn't seem to want to offer any of the slightest common courtesies. I didn't even get to say goodbye to his parents, they were nowhere to be seen. At the train station, he turned to me and said that he wanted time and space. He left me balling my eyes out at a train station by myself in a foreign city.

He then blocked me and my family from his facebook.

Down the track, ( a few days ago, actually) I find out that while he was telling me that he wasn't ready to come back, he was actually coming back- a few times from what I hear, to date another girl who he also met on his mission.

he was also in contact with other members from our ward, while ignoring us at the same time.

I've only just found this out, and it has rehashed all the hurt that I tried to overcome.

I cant even look at my baptism pics, it hurts so much. I wish that I had have chosen someone else to baptize me. I had a priesthood blessing by my bishop (I dont think Bishop is aware of this though). It was completely unrelated to this, but a message came through not to regret letting him baptize me. I do get comfort from that. for a while I almost wanted to have my baptism annulled so I could be rebaptized by someone else so I dont have to relate him to my baptism anymore. After that blessing though, I changed my mind. There is a reason why it was him that baptized me and I'm happy to trust the Lords will on that.

I cant share all the amazing spiritual experiences I've had with him. I cant tell him about my endowment and how beautiful it was, I cant tell him about my youngest brothers baptism,or my parents baptism. I cant tell him all the blessings the Gospel has been in my life. I cant tell him that I am going to Utah next month to visit all the temples. I can't tell him the fruits of his mission. It upsets me, because I know when he is old and grey, he wont be able to help but think of me, the girl he baptized, or my family and the wonderful time we all had together. It upsets me to know that this will be a great regret to him one day. He will always wonder what we are doing and how far gospel wise we have come, but due to his own choice he will never know. I don't wish that on him, but its inevitable.

I thought at the very least I had made a friend for life.

How can someone lie so much? Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Edited October 10, 2013 by missmollymormon
added something

[missmollymormon]

Sorry about my typos, im on a tablet and it doesnt cooperate...

[Guest]

He behaved very inappropriately for a missionary. His second mission companion did the right thing turning him in. He probably realized that after being removed from the situation, and doesn't want to revisit the shame. That is not your fault, or your family's, since you did not understand the rules that missionaries are obliged to live under. I'm sorry you were hurt as a result of his bad choices.

[missmollymormon]

I just wish I could look at my baptism photos and not feel so betrayed. This doesnt in any way affect my testimony of the church, but it darkens what should have been a great memory for me, the best day of my life, my baptism. Its so hurtful. I dont want to get back at him, I am not seeking revenge. I just want him to know how much he has hurt me and my family. But I guess theres nothing I can do...

[Guest]

Ahhh such is life in the mission field.

That's why missionary rules are there to prevent these things from happening. When one is in a mission, you are completely removed from your home environment that it seems like you become this totally different person. The Spirit is very strong in the mission field that these young men and women are so far removed from worldly things. Love abounds. Love is free. Love is unfettered. It's like reality is suspended.

Then you come home. Reality comes crashing down and everything is changed.

Give him some time to adjust back to being "normal" to get his perspective well adjusted to his reality. Then call or write to him and ask him to have a straight talk with you. Be ready for a closure because this may be where you're headed.

I'm sorry you are hurting. But, there are other dashing young men that will touch your life in the near future. Just concentrate on your spiritual journey and when you think back to this missionary, know that it was him who brought you to this path to the fullness of joy. That in itself makes him a special person to you. I still remember my missionary. He was the one instrumental to my conversion and I told my husband that I wanted the missionary to baptize me instead of my husband baptizing me and my husband completely understood. He is now married with children and we don't have any contact with each other. But that guy will always have a special place in my heart.

Edited October 10, 2013 by anatess

[estradling75]

In addition to the change from being on a Mission to being home that Anatess... Your missionary had an emergency transfer... That means a Rebuking with Sharpness from his Mission President (and possibly his Stake President)... Read Alma 39 if you want to see what that entails. I am highly confident that your Missionary had Alma 39 likened unto himself very strongly by the Mission President.

So read it Alma 39Â* and realize that while you did nothing wrong your Elder has been given an whole new perspective on the sin he committed. And unfortunately you are the focal point of that

[missmollymormon]

I know he will always have a special place in my heart, but its just very painful. I believed every word he said. He testified to me that heavenly father does not make junk, yet treated me as disposable junk just a few months later. I just cant understand it. I know there are other guys on the horizon, I just need to get this out there so maybe instead of feeling hurt, I can just feel grateful for the part he played in my life. But, he snt forth coming with answers, in fact, he outright denies it all which just makes it harder to understand. I have confided in him more than I have everconfided in another person in my life. He was part of my family, we all adored him. I trusted him totally, he broke that trust. If I could just understand his motives, it would greatly help. Was he lying all along or did he truly mean what he said? What changed? I cant help but feel there is more to the story. I know theres been some gossip too.

[missmollymormon]

I get what you are saying, estradling, but isnt part of the repentance process making restitution to those you hurt as well? I mean, yes you can ask heavenly fatherfor forgiveness, but shouldnt you also try and help the person you have hurt? Before my endowment, I wrote a letter to someone I wronged a few years ago. IT was someone I hurt unintentionally, but I hurt them none the less. I didnt ask for their forgiveness, but I gave them the explanation they deserved.

[estradling75]

I get what you are saying, estradling, but isnt part of the repentance process making restitution to those you hurt as well? I mean, yes you can ask heavenly fatherfor forgiveness, but shouldnt you also try and help the person you have hurt? Before my endowment, I wrote a letter to someone I wronged a few years ago. IT was someone I hurt unintentionally, but I hurt them none the less. I didnt ask for their forgiveness, but I gave them the explanation they deserved.

Yes... But also remember that repentance takes time... If he is busy trying to forsake his sin (aka You) then he is not going to be in the right headspace to see your pain and suffering... Or if he can, he might feel that he can't do anything about it without risking further transgressions.

[Guest]

The best thing you can do for yourself is work on forgiving him, even if he never reaches out for the forgiveness. Do it for yourself, not for him. You deserve the peace.

[Guest]

Was he lying all along or did he truly mean what he said?

Hard to tell from here. But, I would go for him telling the truth unless we know something else about him that would lead us to believe he was lying.

What changed?

Coming home from a mission is a very big change. Ginormous, in fact.

I cant help but feel there is more to the story. I know theres been some gossip too.

Maybe there is. But, if I were you, I wouldn't listen to gossip. I would wait to give him time to settle a bit then I would see if he is willing to have some closure.

[beefche]

My take on this? He broke up with you. Right or wrong, good or bad, he has effectively shown you that he doesn't want to continue the prior association you had before.

You obviously still care for him. That's understandable. But, like with any break up, you need to let him go. You may say you just want to be friends with him, but I'm a girl and I know what that means. You still care for him and want him to a part of your life--even if that means friends. Because you are hoping it will once again turn into what it was before.

What he did as a missionary was wrong. He got found out, was reprimanded and now he doesn't want that association. It may be because of guilt, it may be because of other factors. You don't need to know them--I know you'd like to know because it helps you to understand. But, as all break ups that happen, sometimes you'll never know the why behind it.

So, let him go. Make a conscious effort to not think of him, not obsess with him, go and do other uplifting things. Leave him be--don't contact him by any means. At some point, you'll be able to look on this time with fond memories, but not right now. So, don't even try. Just block him out of your mind--it will have to be a conscious effort on your part. You will get over this--it just takes time.