Dealing with lonliness

[ru1too]

Was married for 20 years, then my wife got cancer and died. I was devastated, but i survived.

Met another woman and knew it wasn't right from the start, but still spent 7 yrs together, but that came to an end 2 yrs ago. Mutual parting.

Now i find myself 58 yrs old, a sad lonely man.

To fill my days I work 3 jobs, visit with my grand kids and work around my home.

Problem now is I miss having someone to care about, someone who cares about me, someone to share dreams and hopes.

I feel unmotivated, why push hard to get this or that done, for what reason.

I still take care of my self, i exercise, i try to eat right, I'm there if someone needs a hand, but it's not enough.

I understand why God created Eve for Adam.

Anyone else dealt with this, any suggestions?

[Lakumi]

While I am significantly younger then you (and have generally always been a loner) I spend most of my waking hours alone.

I always found hobbies or something to stimulate the mind to be the most positive.

Something creative, I have a ton of those sorts, and though it sounds cliche it gets rid of most of the negative feelings that might crop up.

[Guest]

I think loneliness is one of the harder things to have to live with. I'm sorry for your loss, and that life has been hard since.

Are there other groups you could get involved with? People that share an interest with you? Maybe try looking around at meetup.com to see if there's something in your area.

[ventura23]

Was married for 20 years, then my wife got cancer and died. I was devastated, but i survived.

Met another woman and knew it wasn't right from the start, but still spent 7 yrs together, but that came to an end 2 yrs ago. Mutual parting.

Now i find myself 58 yrs old, a sad lonely man.

To fill my days I work 3 jobs, visit with my grand kids and work around my home.

Problem now is I miss having someone to care about, someone who cares about me, someone to share dreams and hopes.

I feel unmotivated, why push hard to get this or that done, for what reason.

I still take care of my self, i exercise, i try to eat right, I'm there if someone needs a hand, but it's not enough.

I understand why God created Eve for Adam.

Anyone else dealt with this, any suggestions?

Go through the loneliness and the pain might lead you to God to fulfill your need, instead of women.

Don't be like Adam.

[Leah]

Go through the loneliness and the pain might lead you to God to fulfill your need, instead of women.

Don't be like Adam.

Can you explain what you mean by your last sentence?

[ventura23]

Can you explain what you mean by your last sentence?

I'm sorry Leah, I thought I was replying to a man.OOPS

[ru1too]

Go through the loneliness and the pain might lead you to God to fulfill your need, instead of women.

Don't be like Adam.

Going thru the loneliness for me isn't an option to do or not do, it's part of my life.

I will survive, alone or not, i just prefer to not be alone.

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22

[Quin]

Was married for 20 years, then my wife got cancer and died. I was devastated, but i survived.

Met another woman and knew it wasn't right from the start, but still spent 7 yrs together, but that came to an end 2 yrs ago. Mutual parting.

Now i find myself 58 yrs old, a sad lonely man.

To fill my days I work 3 jobs, visit with my grand kids and work around my home.

Problem now is I miss having someone to care about, someone who cares about me, someone to share dreams and hopes.

I feel unmotivated, why push hard to get this or that done, for what reason.

I still take care of my self, i exercise, i try to eat right, I'm there if someone needs a hand, but it's not enough.

I understand why God created Eve for Adam.

Anyone else dealt with this, any suggestions?

Me, too. LOL. Right down to the 3 jobs!

Granted, my marriage was bad, my kids aren't grown (but the ones I did kinship providing for are back with -healthy!- parents 3,000 miles away, and my own I only have part time.).

I just die inside when it's just me.

Not that anyone knows. It's not depression, or moping, or bitterness.

It's more Rudyard Kipling..

THE WOLF

``Now is the Law of the Jungle---as old and true as the sky;

And the wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the wolf that shall break it must die.

As the creeper that girdles the tree-trunk, the Law runneth forward and back---

For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack.''

I work hard, remember to eat -even if I don't cook, I love cooking, but not for myself-, am generally happy-looking... But the vivacity, sparkle, and drive from life is just gone. I'm not the kind of person who is meant to be on their own. It's vexing, and galling, growing up with the ethos that I "should" be okay on my own. But that's the best I am. Okay. Not my best. Not by a long shot. A totally pale imitation of my best.

Music helps.

Animals help. I'd like to get back into working with horses. You're never alone when you've got a horse to lean on. Teddy Roosevelt said that there's something about the outside of a horse which is good for the inside of a man, and I have no idea why it's true, but it is.

Friends honestly make things worse in many ways, since I can't take them home & cuddle them. Except when I can. And for a short period of time I have someone to cook for, and laugh with, and roughhouse with, and share time with. But then we go back to our lives, and their loss is felt more keenly. So I'm a bit gun shy about getting too involves socially, even though I'm a social person.

Books & Movies help.

Work helps.

Internet forums help. LOL. I'm in here intermittently. Generally when Im in hotel rooms. But the people here make me think. I need that.

Travel helps. My work at present means travel about 50% of the time. New places turn my brain on. At home I'm often stuck on autopilot. Autopilot kills me more than loneliness.

Tylenol helps (I forget, but being alone actually gives me a headache, so sometimes my total lack of motivation can actually be solved by fixing the dull ache behind my eyes, or in my neck).

I can't do scripture study on my own (just the way I am, I've tried. And. Failed. A lot.) ...

, but I can chat with HF & the Spirit on my own.

That helps. Especially at night.

All kinds of things help.

But in the past several years of being mostly alone, I haven't found anything that fixes.

I've toyed around with the idea of going back to active duty, or camp counseling at risk youth... Some kind of 24/7 job. But either would mean losing the time with my family that I do have. And, quite frankly, I'm getting too old. So I'm going to need to find something else.

<laughing> My family has a saying "going nowhere fast" (coupled with "I don know where I'm going, but I'm making good time!"). I often think of my life this way, right now. I'm very busy. But it's all treading water. I could wish that it wasn't. But I have come to learn, that on my own, that's the best I can do. Kill time. Some people are good on their own. I'm not one of them.

After a bad marriage, though, I'm not willing to repeat that mistake.

Better a shadow of myself, than that.

But that's part of what makes loneliness so hard... Because not only do I miss people, I miss myself, who I am when I'm around the right people.

Q

[ventura23]

Me, too. LOL. Right down to the 3 jobs!

Granted, my marriage was bad, my kids aren't grown (but the ones I did kinship providing for are back with -healthy!- parents 3,000 miles away, and my own I only have part time.).

I just die inside when it's just me.

Not that anyone knows. It's not depression, or moping, or bitterness.

It's more Rudyard Kipling..

THE WOLF

``Now is the Law of the Jungle---as old and true as the sky;

And the wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the wolf that shall break it must die.

As the creeper that girdles the tree-trunk, the Law runneth forward and back---

For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack.''

I work hard, remember to eat -even if I don't cook, I love cooking, but not for myself-, am generally happy-looking... But the vivacity, sparkle, and drive from life is just gone. I'm not the kind of person who is meant to be on their own. It's vexing, and galling, growing up with the ethos that I "should" be okay on my own. But that's the best I am. Okay. Not my best. Not by a long shot. A totally pale imitation of my best.

Music helps.

Animals help. I'd like to get back into working with horses. You're never alone when you've got a horse to lean on. Teddy Roosevelt said that there's something about the outside of a horse which is good for the inside of a man, and I have no idea why it's true, but it is.

Friends honestly make things worse in many ways, since I can't take them home & cuddle them. Except when I can. And for a short period of time I have someone to cook for, and laugh with, and roughhouse with, and share time with. But then we go back to our lives, and their loss is felt more keenly. So I'm a bit gun shy about getting too involves socially, even though I'm a social person.

Books & Movies help.

Work helps.

Internet forums help. LOL. I'm in here intermittently. Generally when Im in hotel rooms. But the people here make me think. I need that.

Travel helps. My work at present means travel about 50% of the time. New places turn my brain on. At home I'm often stuck on autopilot. Autopilot kills me more than loneliness.

Tylenol helps (I forget, but being alone actually gives me a headache, so sometimes my total lack of motivation can actually be solved by fixing the dull ache behind my eyes, or in my neck).

I can't do scripture study on my own (just the way I am, I've tried. And. Failed. A lot.) ...

, but I can chat with HF & the Spirit on my own.

That helps. Especially at night.

All kinds of things help.

But in the past several years of being mostly alone, I haven't found anything that fixes.

I've toyed around with the idea of going back to active duty, or camp counseling at risk youth... Some kind of 24/7 job. But either would mean losing the time with my family that I do have. And, quite frankly, I'm getting too old. So I'm going to need to find something else.

<laughing> My family has a saying "going nowhere fast" (coupled with "I don know where I'm going, but I'm making good time!"). I often think of my life this way, right now. I'm very busy. But it's all treading water. I could wish that it wasn't. But I have come to learn, that on my own, that's the best I can do. Kill time. Some people are good on their own. I'm not one of them.

After a bad marriage, though, I'm not willing to repeat that mistake.

Better a shadow of myself, than that.

But that's part of what makes loneliness so hard... Because not only do I miss people, I miss myself, who I am when I'm around the right people.

Q

You sound like a good guy. I wish you well.

[ru1too]

"I work hard, remember to eat -even if I don't cook, I love cooking, but not for myself-, am generally happy-looking... But the vivacity, sparkle, and drive from life is just gone. I'm not the kind of person who is meant to be on their own. It's vexing, and galling, growing up with the ethos that I "should" be okay on my own. But that's the best I am. Okay. Not my best. Not by a long shot. A totally pale imitation of my best."

That sums it up. I appreciate your comments....Thanks Quin

[Leah]

I'm sorry Leah, I thought I was replying to a man.OOPS

The OP is a man, so you were responding to a man.

So I ask again, what did you mean when you told him not to be like Adam?

[Guest MelP]

ru1too

Try a compatibility test. eharmony is one of them. If your looks are suffering and is why most woman turn you down for a date, find a woman who is not shallow or is blind and ask them for a date. Ever thought of volunteering? Also, what is the single man to single woman ratio for your city? Could be two few woman to to few men in your city. I had a woman friend in highschool who liked me...but was it more then just like? She came up to me in a wonderful cheerful mood and said hi. I should have at least asked her out for a date. I think chemistry is the most important aspect in a relationship. I was starting to have one with a six foot USAF woman,when I was a Airman and Im 5 foot 9. I always made her laugh and she was happy to be around me. Darn it if I cannot remember her name! I liked her!

You may want to also study what woman really want in a guy. Anyone read the book woman are from venus and men are from mars? is there any truth to that book?

Edited March 16, 2014 by MelP

[Quin]

ru1too

Try a compatibility test. eharmony is one of them. If your looks are suffering and is why most woman turn you down for a date, find a woman who is not shallow or is blind and ask them for a date. Ever thought of volunteering? Also, what is the single man to single woman ratio for your city? Could be two few woman to to few men in your city. I had a woman friend in highschool who liked me...but was it more then just like? She came up to me in a wonderful cheerful mood and said hi. I should have at least asked her out for a date. I think chemistry is the most important aspect in a relationship. I was starting to have one with a six foot USAF woman,when I was a Airman and Im 5 foot 9. I always made her laugh and she was happy to be around me. Darn it if I cannot remember her name! I liked her!

You may want to also study what woman really want in a guy. Anyone read the book woman are from venus and men are from mars? is there any truth to that book?

Totally depends on the woman.

Meaning we all want different things.

Except... Possibly... For good hygeine.

Even the almighty "confidence" which is one of the most wanted attributes isn't universal. A lot of women like shy guys, others are leaders whose perfect foil isn't another leader, others have got the Nightengale thing going (knight in shining armor, if they were a guy, the rescuing type), etc., etc., etc..

"generalities are always wrong"

Books and magazine purporting to sell the keys to men/women may very well get it right for significant percentages (most, a third, whatever), but just like men want different things in a wife from other men, women want different things in a man. No matter who ya are, what ya look like, etc.... You'll appeal to a certain subsection of the opposite sex who want someone just like you. Good thing. My bestie and I have always dated polar opposite guys. Hers make my teeth itch, mine she would slap. I should have taken it as a "doomed to failure" notice when she liked my exHusband.

You know what I mean, though? Like some men like sassy women, some like sweethearts, some like thoughtful, some like impulsive, some like outspoken, some like diplomatic.... some like pixies, some like amazons, some like driven, some like dependent .... And for every subsection that loves XYZ in their women, there's another subsection that can't stand the same thing.

Women are just the same. We're all different people who want different things.

Always better to be yourself. Most people can't pretend to be someone else for an eternity. I know more failed marriages & LTRs because at least 1 of the people was trying to be what they thought someone else wanted, instead of themselves. Low & behold, after a couple years pretender is all resentful & exhausted, while the person they lied to is livid & confused. No bueno.

_____

As an aside:

ROFL.... Glad you said USAF!

Q

[Guest]

The best way to deal with loneliness is to immerse yourself in service. And Churches are ripe with service opportunities. I'm not sure how your Church does service opportunities but if you talk to your pastor or somebody there, I'm sure they can hook you up with some things. If not, you can talk to the LDS missionaries and just ask them straight out - I want to be of service to others, do you have anything I can do? Yes, they're probably going to ask to teach you the missionary discussions, but hey, missionaries are great company too.

If that doesn't pan out - you can try having a pet. They provide service opportunities and will shower you with pure love and devotion.

But yeah... Service is a great way to fight loneliness/depression.

[Lakumi]

The best way to deal with loneliness is to immerse yourself in service. And Churches are ripe with service opportunities. I'm not sure how your Church does service opportunities but if you talk to your pastor or somebody there, I'm sure they can hook you up with some things. If not, you can talk to the LDS missionaries and just ask them straight out - I want to be of service to others, do you have anything I can do? Yes, they're probably going to ask to teach you the missionary discussions, but hey, missionaries are great company too.

If that doesn't pan out - you can try having a pet. They provide service opportunities and will shower you with pure love and devotion.

But yeah... Service is a great way to fight loneliness/depression.

depending on your personality I think, for church service...

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

ru1too, I'm so sorry you are hurting. I think loneliness is very common and very painful. And there are no easy answers.

I find some comfort in knowing that the Lord understands because likely He was lonely too. After all He had no real peers. He was surrounded by people all the time, and yet alone because He was so different than them.

Hang in there. This life is not easy, but I'm told the next one will be better.

[xVOWx]

As others have mentioned, creative endeavors can be wonderful coping mechanism. They can bring meaning and purpose to the pain. I myself compose music and do a bit of writing from time to time. It’s no cure, but finishing/working on a project not only helps me to work through my emotions, but it can bring a sense of satisfaction to an otherwise dreary moment in time. Though many of us are alone, sometimes it helps to know we are not alone in our loneliness.

 

The moment is gone.

Lost in a sea of despair.

A torrent so vile it swallows my world.

Like a plague sweeping the many realms of my heart.

All good is laid to waste. All remains are left to decay.

It is the dream killer. A reality forged by the hardest of truths.

A nightmare born upon waking.

A darkness that blots out the sun.

[MLW]

At least you have the chance to find someone someday.

 

I am in a cold and distant marriage with no hope of changing it and no possibility of divorce.  when I try to see how Jesus felt the same way I do, I can't quite figure it out but take comfort in knowing He understands my trial.

 

I don't mean to sound pathetic but wanted to point out that things could be worse for you and perhaps you could find some hope in that for yoursel

 

 

[Bini]

Sorry for your loss. I couldn't imagine losing a spouse.

 

How long have you been feeling "the blues"? Feeling lonely is common after losing companionship, but also, it can extend to depression. Talk to your doctor if you suspect you're in a depressive funk. Mental depression can enhance negative feelings tenfold.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I know when I've dealt with depression it didn't matter how much service or acts of kindness I did for others, I still felt like crap inside. If you haven't already, take a moment in prayer, ask for some guidance in helping you figure out what step you need to take.

[omegaseamaster75]

At least you have the chance to find someone someday.

 

I am in a cold and distant marriage with no hope of changing it and no possibility of divorce.  when I try to see how Jesus felt the same way I do, I can't quite figure it out but take comfort in knowing He understands my trial.

 

I don't mean to sound pathetic but wanted to point out that things could be worse for you and perhaps you could find some hope in that for yoursel

No possibility of Divorce?

 

Get a lawyer.....anything is possiable

[MLW]

No possibility of Divorce?

 

Get a lawyer.....anything is possiable

 

I have a physical issue that limits my earning ability.  Not to mention all the things I can't do and need help with around the house, etc.

 

I can't quite figure out this site - is there a link or indication of responses to my posts or do I need to keep checking back?