Enough!

[rosie321]

This is the situation

I want to attend church and do whats asked.

My child is developmentally disabled. I have been told by members that he doesn't need to come to church. He will be saved anyway. He's got an automatic pass I guess because of his disability. I don't agree with this. I feel it important that he learn of the gospel and basic morals. But he doesn't fit in. In fact he's hates it and now puts on a production about going. (Can't say I blame him). He's not ready for any ordinances yet that doesn't stop pressure from being applied. There are some that are trying to help (its really appreciated) but there is some snide, hurtful things going on too. There are some who make it very clear you're not welcome. If it were just myself I wouldn't care, but it is not.

There is a nearby church which has the ability to address his needs. He might not be getting the gospel in its fulness but he would at least be learning things that would help him. It would be closer to go to this church also. Would it be wrong to go there? Through a program he went through there he came home excited about God and Jesus rather than dreading it. They presented things in a way that he can comprehend and there are some good social programs to assist. In contrast to the way the primary is set up. Its difficult for a typical child. On him it is especially hard. Here he would be learning.

I know that the LDS church is the place to be. Would it be wrong to want him to learn the basic knowledge of christ and his gospel in a way that he can understand at another? He's already been told that he doesn't need to be there at primary.

I've prayed for the wisdom. Instead of feeling a burning that I should go to church, I feel that I shouldn't go there right now and do what's best for my child. Is not going wrong? As much as I enjoy church principles I'd be going out of guilt that I wasn't doing the right thing. I've given this much time and thought I'm torn between doing the right LDS thing and what feels inside to be the right thing. I feel I've put forth much effort to go despite extradordinary circumstances I've been given. They're something I've dealt with personally and choose not to discuss in detail here. But these factors do play a part in this decision.

The reason I'm so concerned here is that this choice has ripple effects on others. What should I do? Am I right to feel this way or choose this course of action? Or is this the start to going apostate? If I were going that way I should be there.

I don't want to handle the questions of why I'm not there or that I should be there from other members because it would probably make me mad after some of the things that have been done. There are some great people there and I am not angry at the church. I want to continue building my families foundation from the bottom up. With Christ the chief cornerstone. I don't want to be forced to take on another battle defending myself against other pushy and agressive members. I've got enough other things on my plate right now.

[sixpacktr]

Rosie,

Why on earth would anyone deny anyone else the ability to come to church?!

IMHO, you take him to church. If some have a problem with that, tough. You are where you should be, and so is he.

I have been in wards with children that are retarded (my niece is), with those that have different diseases, emotional problems, etc. As long as they aren't overly disruptive (and for a Mormon audience, that has to be pretty rowdy! I've always held that the rudest people in the world are Mormons. They can't shut up! ) he cannot be told not to come to church. It is for everyone, even if they are "already going to make it". (BTW that is a very short sighted remark).

Take your child, enjoy what you can, teach them what you can.

[StrawberryFields]

Rosie,

I hear you and my heart goes out to you.

There is nothing like the feeling that comes when your child has been hurt and you can't make it all better for them. What's even more difficult is when this hurt comes from people in the Lord's Church. It has happened to me as you know and also to other people who post here. Have you considered going to primary with him and staying in his class? This could be an option as I have had something similar happen when I was teaching a primary class.

I live in Utah and we have a ward for kids with Special needs although it might be just for young adults.

You and your son are in my prayers.

[MaidservantX]

You know, Rosie, my two cents, after thinking and praying about it as obviously you have, I would not feel hyperventilatingly guilty about taking your son to another church. Just from what much you've said, I wonder if it can be not an either/ or situation. For example, could you take your son to the other church/ program for, say, 4 weeks, and then revisit the situation with the Lord? I am sure you are continuing to ask the Lord for a way to be opened for your entire family to enjoy the right experience at the LDS church. But you know, I would feel just as fine that he has answered your prayer leading you to this program for the sake of the heart of your son. I imagine that this might be near to impossible, but after taking your son to the other church, is there a way for you to go to Sacrament Meeting also? Do you have someone that gives you breaks and takes care of him? I would also use this as an opportunity to strengthen your home worship and obedience (according to LDS commandments: Family Home Evening, scripture study, etc.)

I don't think God punishes mothers for being mothers. God bless and good luck.

[vinny15]

Wow. I have a home teaching family with a severely mentally disabled child and they go to church evry week. There are two other children with a similar disability in the otehr ward.

I honestly think that there is something funny here if they wouldnt want him at church.

What do you mean by "doesnt fit in" How much could he fit in? Im sure they trat him with kindness right?

[Dr T]

"let the children come to me." Jesus

[Guest Yediyd]

I am blown away by your problem, Rosie and frankly...I cannot understand it!! I have a very difficult son. He has flooded the mens bathroom during sacriment meeting, kicked a pregnate woman in the stomic, used the "f" bomb and the lords name in vain duing the sacriment, punched the Bishops son...and had numerous meltdowns at church where he ran outside and into the road or screamed at the top of his lungs!!!

Despite all this...I have never felt unwelcome at church!!! My son has been excluded from many of the activities because of his actions...but the members have been kind and understanding of me as his mother. Since my son missed out on a chane to go camping with some of the men...the priesthood has stepped up and made a point of finding ways to include my child in more activities. My son has a diagnoses of aspergers syndrome...but his autism can be severe at times and his temper violent.

I can't imagine your ward not understanding your son's dissability....It just doesn't make sence to me....is there more to this story that you are not telling us???

Did I mention that members of the primary leadership, then later,the priesthood leaders went to my son's day treatment center and met with his doctor to learn about his disorder and ways to deal with it at church!!

They met with his doctor three times and then my son's doctor came to his baptism!! And she is Jewish!!

She came because she was so impressed by my church and how they cared about my family and my son...she was so impressed...she wanted to see this church for herself...(her words)

It just blows me away that you and your son were not well recieved. I just can't imagine it.

I went to my Bishop when I felt my son was left out...my Bishop stepped up. I think you should take this to your Bishop.

[the_jason]

Is it more important for your son to be liked by other people, or to learn the gospel? My point being that hurtful people are not exclusive to latter-day saints. Your son is different. Some people have a hard time with people who are different. They don't know what to say, so they say something mean instead of shutting their yaps. Going to another church isn't going to solve anything.

[rosie321]

thanks for your comments everyone. Putting thoughts down and reading your comments has been helpful.

The_Jason-"better to be liked by other people or learn the gospel" Thats my area of struggle. If he's unable to work through all the stuff he's given he's unable to learn it. Should he be in an environment where he'd learn at least some principles from even if at other places? Also not only because of his disability but because my husband will not allow it he can not get baptized. So what other burdens are being placed upon him then he already has? His seperation and pressure from others will only grow.

Dr T. -Ideally all children should "Come Unto Me" as the savior said. Unfortunately there are those who'd like to selectively choose. I just wish they'd take a different perspective. I'd hate to be in their position when they stand before the savior and says "In as much as ye've done it unto the least of these..."

Yediyd- I could understand peoples frustration with behaviors as you mentioned and safety concerns. But on the other hand you deal with it everyday. He is one of Gods creation.

Maybe there is more to the story.

I do burden most of the load of handling the disability and keep up with all the new information on it, plus the other children. I work at night when the kids are in bed at a job with stressful conditions and am going to class on the side. All to keep up with the expenses and care. Trying to maintain house. I've been facing some medical concerns of my own that are concerning at the moment. Handle some various friend and family situations as well as try to maintain positive relationships in between. One of the reasons I check into this site to visit with others. Trying to stay out of debt but bills keep mounting despite my husband and my income. Keeping up with church responsibilities. Dealing with all the many meetings people feel are necessary. Being under the microscope for every little move made and having to document the whole life. Then some make you out to be a saint for handling what's thrown at you, get all distressed because they've missed out since they haven't been given such challenges as you. or others make their own insensitive comments, say you're not doing it right, become an expert educator and complain because you've missed something you should have done. Get this world I"M A NORMAL PERSON TRYING TO HANDLE THE CIRCUMSTANCES I"VE BEEN GIVEN! I don't want to be the center of attention. I'm not claiming disability priveledge. Another reason I like this site. I can be on and nobody cares:). Many times I wonder what I'm doing and wish I could stop. I'd wouldnt mind taking the time to educate everyone on disability and how to handle it but I've got too much on my plate already. The people who should be educated the most don't want to take the time or effort anyway.

Vinny-there are some who really treat him good. Heaven knows their names already as I've mentioned them. There are some who really like to instigate troubles though and make you feel lower than dirt. I guess I'm just too sensitive at this point. As I've discovered from this making this post, I think I maxed out with everything. Don't know what to cut out right now. Church is a huge stressor and I wish it wasn't such an extra heavy burden:(. Guess that's why I picked it.

Xhenli-you're right I shouldn't make it all or nothing. I was upset. There's so many factors to consider.

Strawberry-thanks for your prayers and the cyber hug . It was just what the doctor ordered lol.

Sixpactr thanks for your comments too.

Thanks all. You really gave some things to consider.

[Guest Yediyd]

I do burden most of the load of handling the disability and keep up with all the new information on it, plus the other children. I work at night when the kids are in bed at a job with stressful conditions and am going to class on the side. All to keep up with the expenses and care. Trying to maintain house. I've been facing some medical concerns of my own that are concerning at the moment. Handle some various friend and family situations as well as try to maintain positive relationships in between. One of the reasons I check into this site to visit with others. Trying to stay out of debt but bills keep mounting despite my husband and my income. Keeping up with church responsibilities. Dealing with all the many meetings people feel are necessary. Being under the microscope for every little move made and having to document the whole life. Then some make you out to be a saint for handling what's thrown at you, get all distressed because they've missed out since they haven't been given such challenges as you. or others make their own insensitive comments, say you're not doing it right, become an expert educator and complain because you've missed something you should have done. Get this world I"M A NORMAL PERSON TRYING TO HANDLE THE CIRCUMSTANCES I"VE BEEN GIVEN! I don't want to be the center of attention. I'm not claiming disability priveledge. Another reason I like this site. I can be on and nobody cares:). Many times I wonder what I'm doing and wish I could stop. I'd wouldnt mind taking the time to educate everyone on disability and how to handle it but I've got too much on my plate already. The people who should be educated the most don't want to take the time or effort anyway.

You just discribed my life, Rosie!!! (Sort of...I don't work, but I have, and I am currently looking for a job that I can do, as I get "incouraged" to be self-suffciant at church as well!!)I wasn't judging you...I just don't understand why you are being (and your son) treated so badly at church. I have Fibromyalsia as well and on top of everything that I deal with, I am in pain every day!! I suffer from depression because of the pressures that I deal with, but I have found comfort at church. I still feel like I don't fit in in alot of ways, and my son gets picked on by the other kids (that's why he hit the Bishop's son) and there are some who avoid me and my son...but I just avoid them and suround myself with the people who are possitive. I still don't get invited to people's houses nor do the members of my ward "hang out" with me...But I feel welcome and loved at church. At home...I'm still alone. I understand alot of what you are going through. I get ALOT of judgment about my son as well. People don't understand his dissorder or actions and they blame me as his mother...I get it all the time...

Church is my escape from all that. I wish you had that, I'm sorry you don't. And I'm sorry if I sounded like just another judgmental person.

Yediyd

[rosie321]

You just discribed my life, Rosie!!! (Sort of...I don't work, but I have, and I am currently looking for a job that I can do, as I get "incouraged" to be self-suffciant at church as well!!)I wasn't judging you...I just don't understand why you are being (and your son) treated so badly at church. I have Fibromyalsia as well and on top of everything that I deal with, I am in pain every day!! I suffer from depression because of the pressures that I deal with, but I have found comfort at church. I still feel like I don't fit in in alot of ways, and my son gets picked on by the other kids (that's why he hit the Bishop's son) and there are some who avoid me and my son...but I just avoid them and suround myself with the people who are possitive. I still don't get invited to people's houses nor do the members of my ward "hang out" with me...But I feel welcome and loved at church. At home...I'm still alone. I understand alot of what you are going through. I get ALOT of judgment about my son as well. People don't understand his dissorder or actions and they blame me as his mother...I get it all the time...

Church is my escape from all that. I wish you had that, I'm sorry you don't. And I'm sorry if I sounded like just another judgmental person.

Yediyd

You did not sound to me like just another judgemental person. In fact I can really appreciate your similiar experiences yet different perspective. Just kind of dumped many things out in the last post.

There are some very good people at church. I guess I don't give them enough credit because I get so focused on one thing. Because of just the stressors of the disability going to church in and of itself is a challenge. Then when you have people wondering what you're doing there it just angers me and steals the spirit. Its hurtful to my children. They didn't ask for this (or maybe premortally they did). But there are those who are pleasant and nice.

Maybe the lesson from all this is love and forgiveness on my own part. Seeking strength from the Lord. Changing my spirit towards others. Counting my blessings. Being open and understanding to others misunderstandings. No one else there has the same challenges so I can't blame them for not understanding the situation as it is. Plus I do have a tendancy of trying to handle everything on my own. Can't help but wish they'd make similar efforts though.

All problems can be solved here (at least theoretically). Isn't this site great?

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

[Guest Yediyd]

I could get angry if I let myself, too...I have experienced alot of what you have. But I just focus on the good people and the uplifting that church gives me. I have a struggle to get there every week as I don't drive and Not many people can give three people a ride...(room) and then others don't want to deal with my son. He can be very obnoctious. It's tuff. Yes, this site gives me what I need. I don't get much fellowship and socialization...this is better than nothing.LOL.

[cchrissys1]

i was told that they are born with disabilitys becouse they fought valiantly against satan in the premortal and this way they are protected from him and not accountable. they are special. the church teaches not to sympathize with the other church's. we are the church. say we didn't have any more church buildings and couldn't go to meetings becouse of a catastriphy we are to hold church in our own home. we are the church. teach him Christs full gospel in the home. He will be just fine. Christs peace will be with him. don't hear the gospel from those who are not led by the spirit. you are inviting trouble into your home not the oposite.