Husband's dying of cancer

[Deborah Mofford]

Hi Guys,

 

I'm a member of the LDS Church, my husband is not. He was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, and while I've been dealing with it pretty well, I'd love to just have a discussion here with other members who have gone through losing a spouse, in particular, but any relation is okay.

 

What's particularly difficult for me is that we don't have children. His entire care is up to me, and it does get difficult to do all my chores, his chores, our chores, plus take care of his needs due to the illness, drive him to doctors' appointments, do all the shopping alone, and just well... watch him slowly deteriorate. The Relief Society has asked me if there's anything they can do, but the problem is what I need is just a 15 minute thing here and a 20 minute thing there, never consecutive, and we live in the boondocks, so it's not convenient to call on members for help. I do have a small staff of people I can talk to like the social worker at my husband's oncologist, my husband's palliative care doctor (who also works with spouses), and my BFF in the church. 

 

My husband's cancer is a form of lung cancer, even though he's never smoked a day in his life, and this form has no risk factors. It's called adenocarcinoma of the lung ALK positive.

 

I'm still strong in the gospel, and I know what the future holds after death. But what is bothering me is watching my husband die, knowing that some day I'll have to die too, and wondering if I'll experience this much pain. Also, the time between his death and mine. What do I do? Of course the counselors tell me that there's no guarantee that he'll go first, I may die in a car accident tomorrow, there's no guarantees. I don't know, I'd just love to talk to other caregivers who are spouses and LDS, or as I said just family members and LDS. Hopefully that all made sense.  Thanks in advance!

[PolarVortex]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.  The only thing I can tell you with certainty is that you will have good days and bad days ahead as you confront the reality of this situation.  Focus on the good days and don't be discouraged by the bad ones.

 

An aunt of mine (not LDS) just passed away from lung cancer, but she smoked.  The only thing I learned is that every medical case is unique and that unexpected things can happen.  My aunt got her diagnosis and was given only a few months to live, but she lived another 2.5 years.  Amazingly, she lived by herself independently in a big house, with some help from her children and church friends (like grocery shopping and mowing the lawn), and except for occasional fatigue her quality of life was not really that bad.  Actually, it wasn't the cancer that killed her.  She went out on her porch to smoke a cigarette and slipped and fell and got banged up really bad, and she passed away a few days later.

 

I really didn't know how to handle my aunt, because I really loved her.  I finally just decided to spend as much time as possible with her and focus on daily activities.  That seemed to be the best strategy, because when she finally passed my grief was very manageable.  I didn't even go to the funeral.  She lived two time zones away and I decided I would spend all my travel time visiting her while she was still alive.

 

Do not worry about the nature of your own passing.  Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  I like the KJV even better: "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."  

 

Your RS friends will be able to help you most if you are totally honest about what you need.  Work on staying connected to the people around you, because that will be a source of strength to you.

 

Finally, I must say that I have hit several points in my life where I thought everything was lost and hopeless.  It wasn't.  Not by a long shot.  Your husband's medical condition certainly is stressful and sad, and your life will probably change a lot.  Be open to the possibility that this change may not be as hard as you might think now, and that your own life may still have many wonderful things ahead.

 

As I have said in other posts here, being strong in the face of adversity is one of God's greatest gifts.  It will bless you, your husband, and everyone around you.  

 

Wishing you strength for your journey.  Don't walk it alone.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Deborah, I haven't been in that situation so I don't really have anything helpful to offer.  I just wanted to say I'm sorry you and your husband are going through this.  Hugs and prayers.

[notquiteperfect]

My mom passed away due to cancer and I was there the last 3 months of her life to help.  What I wish I had known was that there are other options!  Western-trained doctors don't have all the answers so I'd find others who do (naturopaths, herbalists, etc).  Since you live a distance away, start searching the internet for info (check dr. mercola's site, naturalnews.com, etc). There's info out there, just start looking.  You can even check amazon for essiac tea (native indian remedy that shrinks tumors).  Do a search on this forum where I've listed other things (getting sunshine, alkalized diet, etc).

 

Aside from learning that cancer is optional, focus on life and create memories.  

 

As far as getting support, if you can anticipate some things, bundle them up so someone can help for an afternoon maybe?  At any rate, reach out and let others have the blessing of serving.

 

Love and prayers - A

Edited November 19, 2014 by notquiteperfect

[yjacket]

My heart goes out to you.  Cancer is rough and it just plain sucks-it is hell; everyone's experience with it is a different, just as every cancer is different.

 

If I can get a little bit of time I'll send a PM; some people say don't give up hope (50 Days of Hope is a great little book), I say never stop fighting. At the end of the day we are all dust, what matters are the experiences we've had, the relationships we've built, our attitude about life, how we've treated others,etc.

 

It is rough and the pain, sorrow, depression, anger, helplessness all those feeling come and go; sometimes it's just the practical things of life that are hard.  Use this experience to draw closer to your Heavenly Father, when it gets rough and hard, when it seems like there is no light get down on your knees and cry unto God.  He will hear you and He will answer and then keep your eyes and hears open to see His works in your life and to hear His words in your life.  The hardest thing to do in this life is to be completely 100% willing to submit our will to the Father; to emulate our Savior's prayer in the Garden, "not my will but thine be done".

 

There will be days when you think you just can't do it, when it seems too hard, too overwhelming and that's when somewhere, somehow if you are attentive to His works, He'll come; it might be in the call of a friend, the prompting of the Spirit, the rush of the breeze, but it will happen.  He will pick you up and help you put one foot in front of the other.  Don't worry too much about 5 years from now or what life will be like . . .just focus on the here and the now.  What is the most important thing for me to do today? And He will guide you and give you strength to make it happen.  Just don't give up.

 

It doesn't mean I'm perfect or that I don't make mistakes or have flaws to correct as I struggle to correct myself, but through all of my experience, I have come to know God. I could never have gained that outside of going through what I went through; and that is something I would never give up.   

[Guest]

My dad went through this.  Lung cancer - never smoked a day in his life, very particular with his nutrition and exercise and yearly physicals...

 

He lived in the Philippines.  We were told - 6 months tops... My dad did not want to do chemo because he says he is ready to die and wants to "die with dignity" but we all insisted that he go through it because we're not ready for him to die.

 

My sister is a nurse in Texas and my brother is a doctor in the Philippines, so between them they got my dad into this clinical trial for Avastin.  My co-worker's mother also has stage IV lung cancer and was given 6 months... 14 years ago!  She's in that Avastin clinical trial and has been for the past 14 years.  She has lost some mobility but she continues to live a good quality of life.

 

Anyway, we flew my dad to Texas and got him into the trial and it worked!  His cancer stopped advancing, and we even saw a slight decrease in the size.  But he did suffer major side-effects that caused his nerve-endings to deteriorate causing him reduced mobility.  He stayed in the trial for 2 years and his physical condition was stabilizing but his mental state was deteriorating - he was depressed.  One day he yelled at my sister, "I want to go home!  You must hate me because you refuse to send me home!".  So... we had to take him out of the trial and flew him back to the Philippines after which he died peaceful and happy after 6 months.

 

There were many lessons I learned from those 2.5 years... one of which is:

- The Human Spirit's needs are not always the same as what the Body needs.  The Spirit is eternal.

 

Which also applies to you - your Spirit's needs need nourishing.... and this may take more than 15 or 20 minutes...

 

Hope things get better for you soon.

[Blackmarch]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.  The only thing I can tell you with certainty is that you will have good days and bad days ahead as you confront the reality of this situation.  Focus on the good days and don't be discouraged by the bad ones.

 

An aunt of mine (not LDS) just passed away from lung cancer, but she smoked.  The only thing I learned is that every medical case is unique and that unexpected things can happen.  My aunt got her diagnosis and was given only a few months to live, but she lived another 2.5 years.  Amazingly, she lived by herself independently in a big house, with some help from her children and church friends (like grocery shopping and mowing the lawn), and except for occasional fatigue her quality of life was not really that bad.  Actually, it wasn't the cancer that killed her.  She went out on her porch to smoke a cigarette and slipped and fell and got banged up really bad, and she passed away a few days later.

 

I really didn't know how to handle my aunt, because I really loved her.  I finally just decided to spend as much time as possible with her and focus on daily activities.  That seemed to be the best strategy, because when she finally passed my grief was very manageable.  I didn't even go to the funeral.  She lived two time zones away and I decided I would spend all my travel time visiting her while she was still alive.

 

Do not worry about the nature of your own passing.  Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  I like the KJV even better: "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."  

 

Your RS friends will be able to help you most if you are totally honest about what you need.  Work on staying connected to the people around you, because that will be a source of strength to you.

 

Finally, I must say that I have hit several points in my life where I thought everything was lost and hopeless.  It wasn't.  Not by a long shot.  Your husband's medical condition certainly is stressful and sad, and your life will probably change a lot.  Be open to the possibility that this change may not be as hard as you might think now, and that your own life may still have many wonderful things ahead.

 

As I have said in other posts here, being strong in the face of adversity is one of God's greatest gifts.  It will bless you, your husband, and everyone around you.  

 

Wishing you strength for your journey.  Don't walk it alone.

Unfortunately i have little to no experience with this, will be praying for ya, and best wishes to you and your husband.