Family Communication and Honesty

[char713]

My husband and I have been inactive for the past 2.5 years, but have decided to start attending regularly again and get back into full temple recommend standing. We have no other issues of worthiness or testimony, just haven't been attending.. for a couple of reasons but mostly just that we have not felt welcome at all in either of the wards we have lived in recently. 

 

Both of our families are fully active. I am the second of five children, and next week most of my family and one set of grandparents are coming to town to see my little brother off to the MTC. They have been talking about doing a lot of temple sessions while they are here. They may have assumptions, but they do not know (because I have never told anyone) that we have been inactive for this long period of time. 

 

I am wondering whether I should tell them outright that I cannot go to the temple with them this time because I have not been active at church, or if I should just stay away from the family gathering, using work as an excuse?

 

Normally I would tell them, easy peasy. But my family is pretty dysfunctional in the way that we communicate. My parents don't really talk to me, they talk behind my back. Three of my four siblings are also really chronic gossipers, rarely talk about anything unless it is something negative about someone else. Also, my parents are the some of the strictest members of the church that you could imagine. Our sin of not attending church is a sin of omission - not comission - and otherwise we are doing pretty freakin' well. Our struggle with infertility (the main reason why we haven't been regular attendees at church) has changed and strengthened our testimonies more than possibly any other struggle could. But my parents and grandparents will NOT see it that way. I wouldn't be surprised if my mother went into a period of heavy grieving if I told her. She also probably would assume that I was lying about the rest of our life being as good as it is, because she likes to make mountains out of molehills and takes obedience for obedience's sake VERY seriously. My grandparents are the same way. I don't know if I have the strength to deal with the repurcussions of having to be this open about my past struggles.

 

But I don't know if there will be a good enough way around it. If I do end up using work or other commitments as an excuse, they would find a way to work around them, they would re-schedule their time at the temple to fit my availability. I can't come up with another better excuse that would not hurt them or cast unnecessary other suspicions on myself or my husband. I don't know what to do! 

 

Please tell me what you think I should do. And how to do it. I've been lying awake at night for way too long, stressing about this, since I found out that they were all coming here. 

[Vort]

Congratulations on your return to activity! I hope it goes well.

 

Wouldn't it work just to say, "Thanks for the invitation, and we're so sorry we can't make it to Freddy's endowment"? You need give no further explanation after that, though if you wanted to, you could mention that you don't have a temple recomment at the moment.

 

Or do you live in Provo and everyone's going to be camping out at your house when Freddy goes in? That could be more awkward.

 

I guess it depends on your relationship with your parents. As a women, you are also in a different position than I would be. I think I would just say that I'm sorry I can't attend and leave it at that. In any case, good luck.

[PolarVortex]

I agree with Vort, but I'm assuming that you don't have the option just to not accompany them... that if you decline with a cryptic "No, thanks," they will start pestering you to explain why.  I can see where that would worry you.

 

I guess if it were me, I would simply start by declining any invitation to accompany them.  If they start drilling down into my reasons, I would drop the truth-bomb on them but spin it carefully in a way to minimize damage: "Because we went through a period of not attending sacrament meetings, and we are not yet finished fixing all that."  If your relatives look shocked, simply add, "Well, you asked me, and I certainly can't lie to you, can I?"

 

 

[Palerider]

You can always tell them you can't go this time due to your having some things to work on. If any questions come up just say it's personal.

Of course you can say your busy too.

[char713]

Thank you everyone. I should just be able to give a non-answer or vague excuse and leave it at that. But I'm worried that it won't work, it usually doesn't. Especially with something as important to my parents as their children's church involvement. They will pester me, they will make it a big deal, and they will assume the worst if I say nothing to make them think otherwise.

 

I live in the SLC area and my husband will be needing our car for work during most of their visit. So they'll either be picking me up for things, or I would take the train down to Provo for whatever non-temple gatherings there might be. A couple of the temple trips will be to St. George and Logan, and those are the ones that my little brother really wants me to attend with him. My other siblings who will be visiting both have young children, so will not be going on those longer day trips... putting more pressure on me to be the one sibling who can make it. 

 

Also, they gave me advance notice about this whole thing. Three weeks would normally be enough time to complete the recommend interviews if I simply didn't have a current one. So any excuse involving it simply having expired is no good. 

Edited February 14, 2015 by char713

[notquiteperfect]

First - You're an adult so it's none of their business.  Just state that unfortunately you won't be able to attend.  

Second - Go to whatever else you can so they don't feel like it's them.

Third - Set your intention that they'll be understanding and let it go (ie hope for the best).

Fourth - Offer to watch the kids so the other siblings can be a part of it.

Fifth - Just as they gave you advance notice, give the same to them so they're not caught off guard.

Edited February 14, 2015 by notquiteperfect

[PolarVortex]

My parents don't really talk to me, they talk behind my back. Three of my four siblings are also really chronic gossipers, rarely talk about anything unless it is something negative about someone else. 

 

That's unfortunate, but why not make it work for you?  Take your mom aside and tell her your situation, with an emphasis on "we're getting back on track for the TR" and not "we stopped attending."  Then tell her you're really sorry you can't attend with everyone at this time and that you don't want to discuss this further with anyone else.  Your statement above leads me to think that your situation will be common knowledge within your entire family within hours if not minutes, and nobody will bug you further.  If you lie or deceive now and the truth comes out later, people you love could be really hurt.

 

Truth is the best way to go 99.9% of the time.  There are exceptions, but this is not one of them.  And telling loved ones that you have to work when you really don't is... well, it's just not right.

 

I have my own issues around returning to the Church, so I feel for you, really.  Best wishes!

 

Edit: I would do this only if your family absolutely insists on a reason for your not attending.  If you can make a generic "no, thanks" work, go for it, even if you have to say it cheerfully a hundred times.

Edited February 14, 2015 by PolarVortex

[char713]

Thanks again for the responses. I agree about honesty being the best policy, and that I ought to be able to expect my family to respect my privacy. Don't know how well it will go over, but if they insist on being told, I will just have to take whatever the consequences might be. 

[Palerider]

Thanks again for the responses. I agree about honesty being the best policy, and that I ought to be able to expect my family to respect my privacy. Don't know how well it will go over, but if they insist on being told, I will just have to take whatever the consequences might be.

I would consider the real reasons why you can't go to be personal and I would just say it's personal and or I would rather not say. If they keep pressuring you to tell them why....I would then ask them to respect your decision and leave it at that.