How do you stay-at-home moms do it?

[pam]

 

 

Why are you helping with homework and math? Kid should be figuring it out on their own-they have books, internet, teachers, etc. 

 

 

Because that's what we, as parents, do.  

[Backroads]

As long as you are helping your child to learn and not doing the work for him.

[Guest]

Letting kids figure things out for themselves can go too far. Lapses in education are not okay. 

[Guest]

If I may Anatess, one thing I have learned or has been taught to me is that modern day parenting has it backwards.  Modern day parenting says parents lives revolve around the kids-when it should be the reverse. The kids lives revolve around the parents life.

 

If I may be so bold-it appears you have a kid-centered life, which is out-of-balance and will end up sending the wrong message to the children (i.e. they are "special" and they must have everything). That in the end will breed narcissistic adults.

 

That's not how it works in my house.  In my house, everybody's lives revolve around The Family.  The Family is a set of Christ-centered principles and traditions and peoples that has spanned generations and evolved with the melding of my husband's and my principles, traditions, and peoples.  Kids don't revolve around parents in the same manner that parents don't revolve around kids.  We all revolve around The Family that is the foundation of our identity.

 

 

 

Why are you helping with homework and math? Kid should be figuring it out on their own-they have books, internet, teachers, etc. 

 

My kids' Math teachers SUCK.  Seriously.  They can't teach worth crap.  They teach math as a series of steps and rubrics instead of a set of principles.  For example:  They are given a test and they have to show work... if the steps they took to get to the right answer doesn't match what the teacher's "rubric steps" are or if they're missing a step because they combined it with the previous step - they don't get that step's point.  It's stupid.  This is basically a teacher (or, rather, a School Board) teaching the kids to DO math instead of teaching the kids to UNDERSTAND math. 

 

Therefore, when my kids don't understand their math homework, I sit down with them and teach them math principles and numerical methods that is tailored to how their brains work - which may not be the same method that the teacher grades them on.  A good math foundation is critical to them building upon each math principle to make the next level math stuff easier to handle.  I could care less what grade they come home with or what score they get on the State Assessment.  I know for sure they understand Math even if how they Do math doesn't grade well on a stupid test.

 

Same with other subjects - like Health Class.  Hah hah... a joke of a class.

 

 

Why are the kids not doing laundry and kitchen clean-up?  If you are helping out with their homework the least they can do is help you in your work.

 

 

My kids have their own chores.  Washing gi's after jiu-jitsu and cleaning the kitchen is my chore.   I don't make a habit of making my kids do my chores.  We're a family.  The Family works because everybody does their part of running the house.

 

 

 

Cut out juijisu- your kids will be much more well adjusted in the long-run if they take that time-do chores, help around the house, or simply spend family time together. 

 

Family Principle - Martial Arts, like Music, is a required skill.  I don't care which type of art as long as it's not a McDojo.  Martial Arts is instrumental in building self-confidence, self-control, self-awareness, environmental awareness, in addition to self-defense skills.  Both my kids picked jiujitsu because the gym close to our house has the awesomest Professor in the city.  My husband grew up with wrestling, me and my siblings grew up with Arnis.  

 

When some kid is cowering infront of the school bully, my kid will be the one standing in-between them.

 

And some little factoid:  Spencer Stone overpowered the terrorist on the train in France by employing defensive skills learned in jiujitsu. 

 

Music builds mathematical and logical skills in addition to creativity, communication, expression and an appreciation for beauty and diverse cultures.  One kid picked piano, the other kid picked drums.  They don't have music in standard public schools.  My piano kid is really good with piano - he passed auditions to an arts school so he's been in it for Middle and High School.  My other kid is taking drums instruction from a professional drums teacher for one hour a week.  I grew up with Music as a required 3-credit class every year in my school from Elementary through High School... that's standard Philippine instruction.  Lots of people ooohhh and aaaahh over these Filipinos that do good in Britain's Got Talent and such... they're a dime a dozen in the Philippines.

 

 

 

 

Again, simply my friendly advice, it appears rather than having the child's life centered around yours (which will ground them in the real world), your life is centered around theirs (and will led them to have unrealistic expectations in life).

 

My kids' lives are centered around The Family tradition - the activities that have been proven to work for generations in our families.

 

The problem is I'm the driver in the Family.  My husband's work schedule doesn't match any of the driving-required schedules.  I have a 14-year old that has been driving since he was 12 and is quite capable of driving himself even in the chaotic Philippine streets.  But no... America doesn't allow 14-year olds to drive themselves and most everything in my section of America is 20 miles away it seems.

Edited October 11, 2015 by anatess

[yjacket]

Because that's what we, as parents, do.  

 

No it's what modern parents do.

[yjacket]

My kids' lives are centered around The Family tradition - the activities that have been proven to work for generations in our families.

 

Ultimately the Family is a unit of 2, husband and wife. Therefore kids' lives should be centered around the family unit-husband and wife.

 

You can do whatever you want to do-it doesn't bother me in the least- you were complaining about being so exhausted-I made an observation about why and you didn't like it.  Okay-no problem.

 

About juijistu etc. . . . yes, yes I know everyone thinks that their special child will one day use it to do xyz; Johnny needs soccer practice to develop his fine motor skills so husband and wife kill themselves and their lives so that everything revolves around Johnny; all the while teaching Johnny that what is really important is that he is a special little snowflake and anything he wants in life he deserves. So when Johnny goes into the work force and realizes he isn't a special little snowflake and he doesn't get promoted, doesn't get that raise, etc. he gets depressed thinks he's not worth anything and ends up being quite frankly a spoiled brat.

 

If you are exhausted because of all the running around you are doing for your kids then quite simply and plainly you have a child-centered life and it is out of balance.  It's a fact.

 

Being a parent isn't about doing things for your kids-it's about teaching them how to one day be a responsible adult.

[yjacket]

My kids' Math teachers SUCK.  Seriously.  They can't teach worth crap.  

So what; I've had lots of teachers who suck and can't teach worth a crap. It's not the teachers job to make me learn.  It is my job to learn. Just because you think they suck-doesn't actually mean they suck.  Have you sat in the course and taken it with them?

 

I can't begin to list the number of times in my life I've had to learn something new on my own-especially at work.  One of the things that makes me extremely valuable at work is that if there is a way to get something done-I will figure it out. No one is holding my hand, going through each and every step of the way.

 

What is the life skill that is more important? Teaching a child math, or teaching them how to learn for themselves, how to figure things out for themselves, being self-sufficient?

 

You spent an hour with the child.  That isn't teaching that is doing it for them. A 5-minute question, example problem sure that is one thing . . . spending an entire hour that is an completely different thing.

 

I'd rather let my kid fail math then spend an hour a day "helping" with their math.  I already went through school once, I didn't need anyone to sit with me for an hour a day; my kids are smart I have supreme confidence that they can figure it out.  If they can't-well it's not my job to make their grades good that is their job.  If they can't seem to figure out how to do math on their own, then I guess I won't be taking them to soccer practice, boy scouts, or whatever other privilege I deem necessary for them.  

 

I guarantee you once they realize it is their responsibility not yours and if they don't figure it out extra activities like jujitsu aren't happening very, very quickly you'll start seeing them all the sudden "magically" start to get better at math.

 

It is the modern day parenting helicopter, my kid is so awesome and I've got to do everything for him so he can get into the best schools and be the most awesome person ever.

[pam]

No it's what modern parents do.

 

Funny it's what my parents did as well and I'm almost 60.  It's what my friend's parents did too.

[yjacket]

Letting kids figure things out for themselves can go too far. Lapses in education are not okay. 

Which is more important to be "educated" or to be a responsible adult?  Because there are a whole lot of "educated" 21-24 year-old children who up to their eyeballs in debt and living with mom and dad until they are 30.

 

Part of actual education is life education not book education, because in the real world book education counts for getting the first job after that it's all about life education; are you honest, do you work hard, do you take initiative, do you do what the boss tells you, are you a jerk or a good person.

 

In the work force if the boss has to hold your hand and dictate to you how to do every little thing-you aren't going to get very far-you better learn how to figure things out on your own.

[yjacket]

Funny it's what my parents did as well and I'm almost 60.  It's what my friend's parents did too.

Well I'm 35 and it's not what my parents did, not what my friend's parents did and not what my grandparents did so there :-).

Edited October 11, 2015 by yjacket

[Backroads]

So why did I spend parent-teacher conferences chatting with parents on how to help their kids with math and reading at home if parents shouldn't be involved? The kid ought to learn some effective math strategies sooner or later from someone, be it a teacher, a parent, or self discovery. And I don't even assign math homework.

[Guest]

Which is more important to be "educated" or to be a responsible adult?  Because there are a whole lot of "educated" 21-24 year-old children who up to their eyeballs in debt and living with mom and dad until they are 30.

 

Part of actual education is life education not book education, because in the real world book education counts for getting the first job after that it's all about life education; are you honest, do you work hard, do you take initiative, do you do what the boss tells you, are you a jerk or a good person.

 

In the work force if the boss has to hold your hand and dictate to you how to do every little thing-you aren't going to get very far-you better learn how to figure things out on your own.

 

Both are equally important.  They're not mutually exclusive you know.

 

Fact of the matter is - if your child needs help understanding concepts, he should be able to ask his mother or father to help him.  That's what I'm here for.  That's not going to make my kid an irresponsible adult.

 

My dad has burned the candles at both ends with his own dad teaching him school things.  And my dad turned out to be a math genius under his dad's tutelage.  His dad is a school principal and is an amazing teacher.  I have burned the candles at both ends with my own dad teaching me school things.  There is nobody else who understands how my brain works better than my dad especially since we both have the same way of thinking through things. 

 

Math builds on concepts like a ladder.  If you didn't get the first rung, you won't get the next rung.  So, if my dad taught me how to extract the square root of a number and I can't figure out how to solve a cube root or the 4th root on my own, he's going to whack me on the head with the math book (which he has done... more than once).

Edited October 11, 2015 by anatess

[Guest]

Well I'm 35 and it's not what my parents did, not what my friend's parents did and not what my grandparents did so there :-).

 

And there you go.  Just because that's how you parent doesn't mean that that's how everyone else should parent.

[Guest]

Ultimately the Family is a unit of 2, husband and wife. Therefore kids' lives should be centered around the family unit-husband and wife.

 

My husband grew up in this kind of family.  His parents underwent a terrible patch (bad enough to get one of his parents disfellowshipped) when my husband's youngest sibling was only 11.  The kids spun out of the family and the 11 year old ended up a drug addict and died 10 years later.

 

That's not how it works in my house nor in many houses in the Philippine culture.

 

The Family is an identity.  Yes, the Father and Mother has ultimate responsibility for their own children.  But the Husband and Wife are centered around The Family who are centered around God.  That includes grandparents and great-grandparents and any other member invested in The Family.  So much so that, if the Mother and Father renege on their duty as parents, the children will not spin out of the circle.  They are still centered around The Family who are centered around God.

 

 

You can do whatever you want to do-it doesn't bother me in the least- you were complaining about being so exhausted-I made an observation about why and you didn't like it.  Okay-no problem.

 

It's not that I didn't like it.  It's just that that's not how it works in my family.

 

 

 

About juijistu etc. . . . yes, yes I know everyone thinks that their special child will one day use it to do xyz; Johnny needs soccer practice to develop his fine motor skills so husband and wife kill themselves and their lives so that everything revolves around Johnny; all the while teaching Johnny that what is really important is that he is a special little snowflake and anything he wants in life he deserves. So when Johnny goes into the work force and realizes he isn't a special little snowflake and he doesn't get promoted, doesn't get that raise, etc. he gets depressed thinks he's not worth anything and ends up being quite frankly a spoiled brat.

 

I've been pretty tolerant of your judgment of my parenting skills.  But when you take one day of my life as a mother and judge my children as spoiled brats in fieri, I take exception.

 

This is what you just said... any parent who sends their children to Martial Arts classes and Soccer Academies are creating spoiled brat children.

 

Whatever.  

 

I guess Tim Tebow was a spoiled brat too for having his parents enroll him in Football Training at the local high school.  And Brazilian kids must be spoiled brats too for joining soccer academies as soon as they're old enough to run with a soccer ball.  And Bruce Lee must be a spoiled brat too for taking Martial Arts classes with Master Ip Man.

 

 

If you are exhausted because of all the running around you are doing for your kids then quite simply and plainly you have a child-centered life and it is out of balance.  It's a fact.

 

Being a parent isn't about doing things for your kids-it's about teaching them how to one day be a responsible adult.

 

So... because my kids can't drive themselves, then I must be spoiling them rotten because I'm doing the driving for them.  And because I'm driving them, then they must not be learning how to one day be a responsible adult.

 

And no.  Your fact is completely wrong.  I'm not exhausted because my life is child-centered.  I'm exhausted because we got into a bad time management routine that needs to be adjusted.  It's as simple as that.

 

 

 

So what; I've had lots of teachers who suck and can't teach worth a crap. It's not the teachers job to make me learn.  It is my job to learn. Just because you think they suck-doesn't actually mean they suck.  Have you sat in the course and taken it with them?

 

I can't begin to list the number of times in my life I've had to learn something new on my own-especially at work.  One of the things that makes me extremely valuable at work is that if there is a way to get something done-I will figure it out. No one is holding my hand, going through each and every step of the way.

 

What is the life skill that is more important? Teaching a child math, or teaching them how to learn for themselves, how to figure things out for themselves, being self-sufficient?

 

You spent an hour with the child.  That isn't teaching that is doing it for them. A 5-minute question, example problem sure that is one thing . . . spending an entire hour that is an completely different thing.

 

I'd rather let my kid fail math then spend an hour a day "helping" with their math.  I already went through school once, I didn't need anyone to sit with me for an hour a day; my kids are smart I have supreme confidence that they can figure it out.  If they can't-well it's not my job to make their grades good that is their job.  If they can't seem to figure out how to do math on their own, then I guess I won't be taking them to soccer practice, boy scouts, or whatever other privilege I deem necessary for them.  

 

I guarantee you once they realize it is their responsibility not yours and if they don't figure it out extra activities like jujitsu aren't happening very, very quickly you'll start seeing them all the sudden "magically" start to get better at math.

 

It is the modern day parenting helicopter, my kid is so awesome and I've got to do everything for him so he can get into the best schools and be the most awesome person ever.

 

Okay... here's little Johnny - 6 years old, coming home with homework about greater than, less than, and equal signs that he can't do because he didn't understand what the teacher was teaching... so you're going to tell little Johnny... sorry mister, you're going to have to figure it out on your own... because, you know, when you are in the workplace, you'll have to figure it all out yourself.  Here's the internet.  Wait, you don't know how to look for it on the internet?  Sorry, buddy, you'll have to figure it all out on your own.

 

Okay, okay, you say, sure, you can explain greater than, less than, equal signs because he's only 6... and he doesn't know how to use the internet.

 

So then your 12 year old comes home and can't do his homework because he didn't understand what the teacher was teaching about the Distributive Property of Polynomials in an InEquality.  So he goes to his mother, who happens to be an engineer, and asks her to explain it to him.  So you tell your 12 year old, go figure it out on your own... here's the internet...

 

What a lazy parent you are!  What does the internet teach about the Distributive Property of Polynomials in an Inequality that you, an engineer, can't teach your own kid?  What exactly have you gained by telling him to learn it off of somebody else rather than you?

 

 

I gave you ONE DAY of my life.  ONE DAY that happened to have one hour of math instruction because their teacher taught distributive properties in a manner not conducive to how my son's brain works - he is a visual, tactical learner.  He's not good with abstraction.  His teacher teaches abstraction - no other method.  The Math lessons are geared towards teaching kids how to pass an Assessment Test rather than geared towards teaching kids to understand the abstraction in Algebra.  There is a reason America ranks very low Internationally in Math Competency!  And those that rank high among Americans are either first generation immigrants, home schooled, or private schooled.  If it takes 10 hours for me to teach my son so that he understands Algebra, we're going to sit for 10 hours.

 

If my kid comes back to me the next day and I have to spend another hour teaching him Distributive Properties of Polynomials after our tutoring session the day before, I'm going to do what my dad did to me... I'm going to whack him in the head with his math book!

 

So yeah.  Go leave your kid to do their own Math learning.  Continue contributing to this generation of cashiers who can't figure out what to do with the extra dime you gave them because you were hoping you'd get an even dollar for change.

 

I gave you ONE DAY of my life and you call me a Helicopter parent.  Whereas you post that How to Keep Order in the House During Summer Break and somehow you're not a Helicopter parent...

Edited October 11, 2015 by anatess

[Guest]

I don't think anyone here has truly answered the question.

 

The truth is: We don't do it.  Do you honestly believe anyone has the ability to do all the things "required" of a SAHM every day?  My wife is constantly working, teaching (home schooling), guiding, planning family time, trying to get our homeschool group organized, being the taxi driver... My wife constantly feels like a failure.

 

All this is not just Hollywood hype.  It is reality.  Yes, things always fall through the cracks.  With finite time and mortal bodies, she simply cannot do it all.  She does the best she can.  I tell her everyday how wonderful she is and focus on what she DID get done.  And that's just enough to get her through the next day.

 

If I had more money and could hire a nanny, a tutor, a maid, a gardener, and a chauffeur, then I think she could handle the managing of it all.  But, no, she does not do it all.  And don't think you need to.

 

As parents we can only do our best and pray for Heaven's help that it will be enough for our kids.  Elder Holland actually said that the role of mother is so important that mothers (and I believe fathers too) have a right to not only beg for, but to actually demand the help of Heaven.