I Am So Sad

[Elphaba]

I’m so sad. My 21-year-old daughter just came up to get a book to read, and once again, like she has for the last two months, she barely speaks to me. She said something about getting donuts at the store, and I asked her if she would pick up some apples while she was there. She said no, and started mumbling about how she was just going to get her own food.

Usually I let this go, because I have always taught her she has the right to say no. I think it is important to be responsible for our own wants and needs, and to be assertive about them. And we’ve always been fine with each other’s honesty. In fact, it’s been very functional, and freeing, so much so that it has allowed us to be close in a way I don’t see in other members of my family.

But, lately, the “no” just feels like an abandonment. In the past she has always been so loving and kind. Her “no’s” were reasonable and easy to take. Now they don’t make any sense and just feel plain mean. In fact, it’s more than that. She can barely bring herself to talk to me, and when she does, it’s obviously out of obligation.

You see, she’s in love. She met this boy at her new job two months ago. And I admit, he’s adorable. In fact, the only time she does deign to talk to me is to tell me how wonderfully he treats her. And that is something I love to hear.

I am especially excited to hear how they talk. And talk. And talk. For the last few years, as she has struggled with dating immature boys who are nice but shallow, I’ve spent many hours counseling her to please, please, please only accept a boy who listens to her, who asks her questions about herself, who understands what she’s talking about, and who really cares what she has to say. And, of course, vice versa.

I am also delighted to hear that he thinks she is funny! Because she is! She is hysterical. She makes me laugh so hard I pee my pants. But her humor is quirky, and not everyone gets it. Gloriously, he does! He thinks she is as funny as I do! I don’t know what that says about him, or about me. I guess it says we both think this delightful woman is hilarious.

My daughter does not suffer fools gladly. She has been through hell with boys, and she did not trust this one immediately. She had a crush on him right away, but had a very hard time believing his interest in her was real. After all, no other boy had ever really cared about “her.” They liked her and had fun with her. But they never really knew who “her” was.

She also was first put off when he’d put his arm around her. Her body would freeze up and become rigid, because she didn’t know what to do. At first all she would allow him to do was hold her hand. Little by little she let him gently take her body into his protection. Now he is always “holding“ her--either he has his hand on her shoulders, or her hand in his, or his arm around her waist, or some other variation thereof. It took some time, but she was finally able to relax into it, and I am so joyful that she did. She deserves to be physically cherished, and when I see how gentle he is with her, I want to cry.

She is still hesitant and holding back. After all, it’s only been two months. But this boy is special. I can see that. And I can’t help wonder if he’s the one. If so, I am glad. I like him, and believe I could even love him, because I believe he is falling in love my daughter. That makes him a king to me, and I want him to make babies with my baby.

So, it appears I have lost my daughter. And I don’t understand why she is treating me so mean. We used to be so close, so fun, so playful. We used to go places in the car and sing along with the CD, belting out our voices that neither of us could keep in tune. She’d come home from work and it was time for The Simpsons and her pokes and teasing and “You won’t believe what happened today!” and even sitting in my lap because she needed to be held. She’d bring her stupid cat in that I hate and make me actually hold it, and I’d do it, because it was her cat, and I love her so much I’d do anything for the little snot!

I miss her so much! But I have to face the fact that she doesn’t’ need me anymore. She has him to do all these things with now. And I know that is the way it is supposed to be. And I hope with all my heart that if it is not this lovely boy who steals her away from me, it will be another who treats her just as wonderfully as he does.

I suspect my lovely daughter is scared right now. I think she’s falling in love, and is afraid he might go away and break her heart. I think he has brought an irresistible sense of vigor and energy into her life that she has never had living with me. I imagine she’s subconsciously weary of having her sickly mother as her best friend, and wants nothing to do with that any more now that she’s found a healthy, gorgeous, MAN to be with. She’s going boating, to the movies, out with friends, and with his family on picnics--things I simply cannot do. Perhaps she’s had a taste of life! and I’m not it. In fact, I've mourned the fact that I could never give her these things. So if this is why she's stepping away from me, I wouldn't care if I never saw her again as long as I knew her life was full of all of these things and more. I would be ecstatic.

Guess what! She just came in and gave me a hug to tell me she loves me. Isn’t that lovely?

But it still wasn’t the same, and I am so sad. I really miss my daughter.

Elphaba

[StrawberryFields]

Your story also makes me sad thinking about the future with my own daughter who just turned 18 how time flies!

I am glad that she came back in and showed you that she does care. :)

[susieSA]

Awwww Elphie

[shanstress70]

How sad and sweet at the same time. Have you talked to her about this? Please let her know how you feel, that you think she's withdrawing from you. I would say not to complain or whine or make her feel guilty, but I know enough about you to know that you wouldn't do that. I'm a firm believer in communication. Maybe you're doing something that's bugging her and you're not aware of what it is... not that I can imagine that!

I remember going through something similar with my mom when I was in my first 'real' relationship. We were always best friends and were so close, as she was a single mom and most of the time it was just the two of us. But the situation was different because she didn't like my boyfriend and didn't pretend to. This made me withdraw from her and she showed extreme jealousy when I hung out with his family. They were the functional family that we were far from, and this made her feel very insecure.

What kind of health problems do you have, Elph?

Take care, and hopefully this will sort itself out!

[Gwen]

elphaba,

not sure if this is even remotely the same thing (probably not) or if it will be even remotely helpful. i don't know all the details of your situation but reading your post made me think about something that happened with my sis and i. my sis is 18months older than me. we did everything together. i was rather shy when i first met new ppl or situations so i followed her everywhere. she was a good big sis and let me. we were as much friends as we were family. it was great growing up, i always had someone to show me the way, teach me the ropes, i lived with my best friend. then came that awkward yr when she left highschool and joined the "real world" while i still had a yr to finish. she went off for a summer to work for a facility for troubled youngsters (helped with her degree in school) and i was left home. at first i was lost, without her i had no friends (all her friends were my friends and they too moved on), i was to shy to go out and do things alone, etc. so i decided it was time to grow up. i did finally find some things to do, ppl to go out with, that kind of thing. i found i'm not really all that shy. i had fun. i found my life. a life without her leading the way. i found some independance. was one of the best summers of my life. she came back at the end of the summer and all her friends had left town, and little did i know it had been one of the worst and lonelyest summers of her life, and the roles were reversed. she wanted to do everything i was doing, i had all this stuff going on, she wanted to spend time with her sis and friend. i was afraid she wanted things to be like they were, i didn't want to let go of my new found self. so i pushed her away, didn't invite her to the things i was doing. that went on for a bit till she mentioned how hurt she was to me. i knew i was doing it but not to that extent, i didn't realize how much it hurt her. she told me how horrible her summer had been, i told her my concerns of going back (though i cherish those memories with her) to the way it was. we had to find a new way to have our relationship. a way that embrassed the changes we were going through. once we knew the situation and eachothers situation we were able to go back to being the friends we'd always been. but as "adults" this time rather than "kids".

my point lol (it's bad when you have to point out the point, i think i do that alot, anyway)

sounded to me like you described a fairly large transition to a new place in life for her. she may not know how to keep what you had without going back compleatly to what you were. maybe she wants to be there (the hug she came back to give you), just not sure how to and have this new life of hers. kinda like i was with my sis. i agree with shan, i think you should talk to her. carefully. you don't want her to think or feel like you are guilting her into something or back to where you were. she may not know how lonely you are or what she can do about it. just an open discussion about the changes, what she wants, what you want, that kind of thing.

another thought, rather lds-ish in manner (sorry, it's who i am lol). there was a talk recently about the tender mercies of the lord, how the lord speaks to us in so many simple ways to comfort us. the hug your daughter came back to give you sounded like that to me. not getting out much (for any reason) can lead to depression and thoughts that satan loves us to have. most leading to sorrow. your daughter was aware of you and sinsitive enough to realize she needed to come back and give you a hug. take that for the beauty that it is, sounds like you did a good job raising a good girl. yes she is going to leave, yes things will change. you can focus on that or you can focus on the fact that she came back for that hug. she came back!!

i hope this works out well for you

[Gabelma]

Its all a sign that you have been a great Mother and got it right - think its CS Lewis that said we raise our children so that we know longer need us, if they want us its a bonus.

Looks like she still loves you and will want to be part of your life for ever but right now maybe is trying to get over the fact she doesn't need you the same.

Charley

[daytooremember]

it sounds like your daughter is having a hard time dealing with a lot . from not having a guy show that kind of love towards her and the touching part and what worryed me was when u said he was a king and I want him to make babies with my baby. have u thought about asking her what she wants ? or are there things going on with him that she has done and doesnt no how to tell u ? may be one nite ask her if she can have a bit of free time so u can have a mother daughter date so u can talk to her . it sounds like shes been great with u up intill now . i hope it works out for u both . have u thought about putting her name on the temple prayer roll ? a few xtra prayers wont hurt

Its all a sign that you have been a great Mother and got it right - think its CS Lewis that said we raise our children so that we know longer need us, if they want us its a bonus.

Looks like she still loves you and will want to be part of your life for ever but right now maybe is trying to get over the fact she doesn't need you the same.

Charley

[Guest WhoShotJS]

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