DH's internet habits...how worried should I be?

[yjacket]

 

Who cares about what science says or thinks about anyone's libido.  I was addicted for nearly five decades to porn and I have a lower libido.  It is all about self-control. 

 

Actually science does say that there is a link between low libido and porn so you fit the bill. But yes, it is all about self-control regardless of anything else.

[JojoBag]

I'm not trying to pick on anything, but I am honestly really confused now.  Earlier you said:

 

 

Your above two statements to me are conflicting; i.e. you are giving one piece of advice for someone else and then saying something different for yourself.

 

I see your confusion.  I meant one thing and was not clear.  Let me go back to the all important qualifier:  If he does not change.  I do not advocate anyone leaving a spouse if they make the necessary changes in their lives.  I also do not advocate leaving because a person can be difficult when first confronted with these problems.  A person who looks at porn experiences shame, embarrassment, frustration at being caught, anger because they want to continue their addiction/problem, etc.  It is a rare person who outright admits their problem, confesses, and turns their life around at the drop of a hat.  Almost without exception, they balk at the changes demanded of them. 

 

I do advocate patience and long suffering, but not at the expense of a person's mental health if the spouse is abusive.  I do consider looking at porn a form of emotional abuse.  It is devastating to the victim spouse and can damage the relationship beyond repair.

[JojoBag]

 

 

Who cares about what science says or thinks about anyone's libido.  I was addicted for nearly five decades to porn and I have a lower libido.  It is all about self-control. 

 

Actually science does say that there is a link between low libido and porn so you fit the bill. But yes, it is all about self-control regardless of anything else.

 

 

Got a reference for this?  I've seen many other studies that say different.

[yjacket]

JojoBag, I don't agree with everything you post (on the forums, pretty sure I do in this thread), but thank you for being a man making concerted efforts to hold other men to the highest standard, and rejecting their "can't help it" -type excuses (apparently, when women make this attempt, we're acting like mothers - and apparently there's something wrong with acting like mothers).

Please point me to where on this thread anyone has said or said anything like they "can't help it". Statistics are statistics-it only indicates what has occurred, and does not abrogate responsibility in any way shape or form. It can be very addictive, but that isn't saying anything about "can't help it"; just because something is addictive never means it's not their fault or they can't help it. It simply means that it can require a lot of fortitude, grit and mental determination to abstain.

 

As such, and given the condition of the world, rather than have such disdain for everyone who doesn't want to metaphorically burn at the stake those that either deal with or have dealt with this issue, maybe we should simply recognize that it is an extremely difficult problem, a significant portion of men in the church deal with this issue, while it isn't morally right and is probably the biggest sin members of the men of the church deal with, if we castigate and advocate this as a divorcable reason a large percentage of families within the church would be broken up.

 

The solution to the problem isn't to "mother your husband". And yes there is something very, very wrong in mothering your husband.  Women who make comments like "I have 4 children" including their husband in it are not wives and are not treating their husbands with the dignity and respect that their husbands deserve as head of the household. The solution is to have better, stronger marriages, to set the husband in his rightful place as head of the household and to empower him to be the head with the woman as the heart of the home. That together the work hand in hand for the betterment of their family.

 

Stronger marriages, that is the solution.

[yjacket]

If he does not change.  

That is putting qualifiers on something that Jesus nor the scriptures ever said; and how long is long? You didn't change for 50 years!! The above statement is a cop-out and against the Gospel.  How many times should I forgive me brother? 7x7 no, 70x7.  The above statement is bunk and you know it.

 

I do advocate patience and long suffering, but not at the expense of a person's mental health if the spouse is abusive.  I do consider looking at porn a form of emotional abuse.  It is devastating to the victim spouse and can damage the relationship beyond repair.

 

You didn't advocate earlier long suffering; you said she had the right to drop him.  Porn emotional abuse?  Do I get to claim that a messy house is emotional abuse too? Do I get to claim that if my wife sits around all day doing nothing that she is emotionally abusing me because I don't feel that she respects the things I provide for her?  What about if she works all the time and I never see her? What if I really want kids and she change her mind and doesn't want kids. What if she decides she's going to go inactive and starts drinking? 

 

Come on, man.  Now you are just reaching and are looking for anything to justify your earlier comments. You used porn for 50+ years and because of that even though your wife never knew you emotionally abused her? She was never the wiser, but you were emotionally abusing her?  That makes a mockery of those individuals who really are emotionally abused.  

Dude study up on what emotional abuse really is.

http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

And emotional abuse is one of those things that shouldn't happen ever, yet let's look at

1. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

Yes I'm sure those two never happen in a marriage. If the above only constitute emotional abuse and emotional abuse is grounds for divorce, then every marriage in American should have grounds for divorce at one point or another.

 

I get it, you used porn for 50+ years and were so ashamed of yourself and so disgusted that you felt that your wife should divorce you and as such you feel that anyone who does so their wife also has the right to divorce.  You might feel that way, but the scriptures, GAs, and GC talks do not give any indication that this is the case.

 

The solution to the porn problem isn't divorce it is rather to make the marriage stronger.

Edited December 26, 2015 by yjacket

[Aussie Mongrel]

So like, according to you when I go running and adrenaline starts getting pumped out through my veins I am opening myself to possession by evil spirits?

 

 

No as far as I know running is fine you won't get possessed (but as if you didn't really already know this, ha ha) it's actually probably recommended by Heavenly Father for health and to release endorphins which can help with depression and physical well being. However on the other hand sexual sin is from Satan and will destroy everything in its path. Sexual sin opens people up to possession and will afflict, destroy and break apart Heavenly Fathers families and is in opposition to all that is good, lovely and beautiful. 

 

I am so glad that you corrected me on adrenaline because this is sometimes the argument that men put forth about the brain differences of men and women. However both men and women need dopamine it is our motivation chemical and both men and women need it to function properly. So when some women and men focus inappropriately for to long at people from the opposite sex or inappropriate pictures they release dopamine which is found in both women and men's brains.

 

Unfortunately both women and men can get possessed by evil and unclean spirits. Satan / evil spirits do not discriminate they will possess anyone that opens themselves up for it.

[Blackmarch]

That is really inappropriate. If I were you, I would talk to him (as calmly as possible) about how much it bothers you and suggest he see the Bishop. Then yeah, I would talk to the Bishop too.

Seconding this.