Responsibilities of Adult Children to Mentally Ill Parents

[Guest]

From the research that I've done, I really haven't found any information on this topic from a Gospel/eternal families point of view: what are the responsibilities of adult children to parents who are severely mentally ill and were abusive and neglectful during childhood years? Namely, how do we "honor thy father and thy mother" and treat them with Christlike love while still protecting our own children from the same abuse we received? 

Yes, this is the situation that I am dealing with right now so I won't try to pretend that it is hypothetical. However, I am truly interested in some opinions and insights on this matter from a doctrinal point of view. 

I will try to give the briefest rundown that I can, but it will still be long:

My mother grew up in rural eastern Washington in the most abject poverty you can imagine. Her father was verbally and physically abusive. She was raped and molested by a neighborhood boy at a young age. On top of all that, she has severe bipolar disorder, OCD, anxiety, factitious disorder (self and proxy), and an overwhelming sense of victimhood that pervades every aspect of her life. My mother tried her hardest to break the cycle of abuse, but she was unable to do so because of her own issues. She was never physically abusive but was very psychologically abusive and, at times, neglectful. My father does not suffer from the severity of mental illness that my mother does, but he has also battled depression most of his adult life (mostly from dealing with my mom's issues) and was also psychologically abusive at times. During my entire childhood, my parents were constantly arguing and would often scream at each other. Occasionally, my mom would be physically violent toward my dad. I was mostly left to my own devices and was responsible for feeding myself, all of my own self care, managing my own homework/schoolwork, extracurriculars, etc - basically my entire life - from about the age of 7. My father was not spiritually active for the majority of my childhood, although he would still go to church. We RARELY had family prayer, scripture study, FHE, etc. Gospel principles were not taught in my home. 

Fast forward to four years ago. I meet the most wonderful man and we are sealed in the Temple. I join his loving, strong family and they adopt me as one of their own (I'm pretty sure my MIL/FIL love me more than their own son). Although I was always aware that my family was deeply troubled and that my mother was severely mentally ill, I never realized the full extent of it until I spent time around my husband's family and I saw how healthy families work through conflict, show each other love and charity, and strengthen family bonds through faith in Jesus Christ. Although we live 1,000 miles away from both of our families, we maintain a strong bond with my husband's family through frequent phone calls, skype, and visits home whenever we can manage. 

My husband and I have placed our marriage as the first priority in our lives. We are extremely happy together and we have a very strong relationship. Fortunately, I have escaped the mental illnesses that beset my mother. Indeed, I consider myself and my husband to be very healthy both mentally and physically. We are now parents to the most beautiful 11 month old daughter. Now that we have our own eternal family, we are doing everything we can to raise our daughter and any future children to know the Gospel and have faith in Jesus Christ. Our home is filled with the Spirit and with love. 

When I am around my family, however, I do not feel that love. I do not feel the Spirit. I feel longing to be back with my husband's family (now my adopted family). I feel a sense of urgency and foreboding that I must protect my daughter from the things that I experienced as a child - although my mom has sought many treatments, none have helped. She spends a great deal of time around her 7 other grandchildren (my nieces and nephews) and I see the same emotional manipulation happening with them that we went through as children. Most recently, my mother came to our home to visit for a week. Even outside of the rest of my family, within the walls of my own home, I felt that same foreboding and desperate need to protect my daughter and my husband from emotional and spiritual harm. 

So, here is my question again: what are my responsibilities to my parents? We severely limit any contact with my parents (my mom's recent visit was an anomaly). Indeed, we are on the verge of cutting them out of our lives completely, Without them, we are happy and loving and full of joy. With them, the stress that our little family feels is almost unbearable. BUT...My parents are sealed in the Temple and we (my three siblings and me) were all born in the covenant. My parents are sealed to their parents and so forth back to our pioneer ancestors on all sides. Only the Lord can say whether my parents and grandparents and great-grandparents have kept their covenants and whether we will all be together in the Celestial Kingdom someday. But if we are, what will that day of reckoning look like? How will I explain to my family why I cut them out of my mortal life, why they never got to know my children? I truly believe that because of the severity of her mental illness, my mother is not accountable for most of her actions. How will I explain to Heavenly Father that I forsook my earthly parents for things they cannot be held accountable for? I guess what it boils down to is this - is it a sin to cut off or severely limit contact with my family? Am I putting my own salvation at risk by doing so? Is there ever justification for cutting off one's own parents? If so, what is that justification? 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I'm sorry about your parents, but so glad you have found a wonderful family in your husband's family.  As you know the scriptures say that a man and woman should leave their mother and father and cling to their spouse. Clearly at this point in your life, your husband takes priority over your parents....and so do your children. Therefore if being around your parents is potentially damaging to them then you must take the action necessary to keep your children safe. 

If your mother were a healthy individual, she would undoubtedly agree, right? But whether she is responsible or not, she is not healthy and not safe for your children. Consider it another way...you're seen how abuse can be passed on from one generation to the next, you are a chainbreaker. If you were to allow your children to be abused by their grandmother, they might pass on that abuse to their children. You are in a position to stop all of that.

You asked about how you might explain things in the afterlife if you cut off your mom...again if she were healthy you wouldn't need to explain it to her. She'd give you this same advice.

Im speaking from experience . . . I cut off my mom too. 

I believe in our situation honor your parents means bring honor to them by the life you lead. Bringing honor to the family name so to speak.

[NeuroTypical]

Hi there.  Briefly, my wife's parents enable and protect pedophiles, and have hung my wife out to dry more than once.  My mom used to leave suicide notes and blame me when I was a young teen.  I've spent years searching for answers like you're asking.  Here's what I've learned.

Honoring, loving, and forgiving your parents is on you.  You must find ways to do all three.  However, doesn't mean being a door mat. It doesn't mean forgetting the harm.  It doesn't mean you need to expose yourself or your children to harm.  You must forgive them, regardless of whether they ever repent and change or not - but forgiveness does not mean acceptance.  Honoring does not mean tolerating unacceptable behavior.  Loving does not mean showing up to the person that has hit you with a brick more times than you can count, without wearing a helmet.

And absolutely - your family is in your sphere of stewardship - you don't have to expose either of them to harm just because you're related to your parents.  

I don't see anything in your post about physical or sexual abuse, but you mention emotional manipulation.  From my experience, claims like that come from two sources.  People who need to forgive (because it was horrible and abusive), or people who need to repent (because they are rebelling from something and calling it emotional manipulation as a justification).  Of course, I don't know which one you are - you sound like the first one.  Just giving you an understanding of the things I've learned. 

To directly answer your question about cutting them off, here's what we did with my wife's parents.  We're willing to reconnect with them as soon as they take some steps.  Seek  counseling (and we receive independent confirmation they've done it).  Correct the public record where they've lied about my wife in a court room (again, and we hear about it from someone that isn't them).  And they partner with my wife on matters concerning their pedophile son.  They've missed out on 5+ years of opportunities to do any of that.  

[Backroads]

I see it as a spectrum. I have never been in the sort of situation you describe. However, my aunt is mentally ill and very emotionally abusive. As the closest relative, my mom felt obligated to care for her (her kids have varying degrees of connection to her). This led my mother to have a nervous breakdown when she still had young children of her own to care for. That incident made her completely change her view of helping her sister... she pretty much stopped. Oh, she invites her over for dinner every now and then and will maybe stop by for the odd assistance here and there. But that's it. My mom decided it wasn't worth sacrificing her own health and family.

You ask what degree of responsibility. That's up to you and what you can handle and manage without sacrificing your own spiritual state and your own family. I do think people reap what they sow. We all do, and in the end you do have to forgive your parents. And if your mom were in more dire scenarios my advice would probably alter a bit.

I wouldn't suggest disowning your mother right now, but to keep things distant out of necessity isn't a bad thing.

 

[Rhoades]

7 hours ago, foreignservicewife said:

Am I putting my own salvation at risk by doing so? Is there ever justification for cutting off one's own parents? If so, what is that justification? 

I think you've already received some valuable advice.  To further address your last questions, consider what Christ taught in Matthew 19:29: "And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life."   The key is "for my name's sake".

[Guest MormonGator]

1 hour ago, LiterateParakeet said:

I'm sorry about your parents, but so glad you have found a wonderful family in your husband's family.  As you know the scriptures say that a man and woman should leave their mother and father and cling to their spouse. Clearly at this point in your life, your husband takes priority over your parents....and so do your children. Therefore if being around your parents is potentially damaging to them then you must take the action necessary to keep your children safe. 

If your mother were a healthy individual, she would undoubtedly agree, right? But whether she is responsible or not, she is not healthy and not safe for your children. Consider it another way...you're seen how abuse can be passed on from one generation to the next, you are a chainbreaker. If you were to allow your children to be abused by their grandmother, they might pass on that abuse to their children. You are in a position to stop all of that.

You asked about how you might explain things in the afterlife if you cut off your mom...again if she were healthy you wouldn't need to explain it to her. She'd give you this same advice.

Im speaking from experience . . . I cut off my mom too. 

I believe in our situation honor your parents means bring honor to them by the life you lead. Bringing honor to the family name so to speak.

 Lit again gives amazing advice. Speaking from my own personal experience-we didn't cut off my MIL but we did distance ourself from her. She is incredibly self destructive and loves to blame others for her situation.  

[Backroads]

1 hour ago, Rhoades said:

I think you've already received some valuable advice.  To further address your last questions, consider what Christ taught in Matthew 19:29: "And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life."   The key is "for my name's sake".

And if being closer to your mother puts in a state where you really can't have the spirituality you need, you find yourself turning away from Christ... well, there's your answer.

Sometimes service and caring for others isn't fun, but there is always a line.

[Guest]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I agree completely that I must honor, love, and forgive my parents. I like the advice to honor them by living the best life that I can. I do sincerely love them and I respect and honor them as the people who gave birth to me and raised me. I am very happy and content with the person that I am, so I also honor and love them as the people who helped me become who I am. 

In my opinion, forgiveness is an ongoing process. I came to terms with my childhood and all the issues it entailed years ago. I forgive my parents for what they did. One of the issues with having ongoing contact with them is that there are constantly new things that need to be forgiven. I am working with the Savior on forgiving new trespasses quickly and completely. 

I also agree that contact is a spectrum. I'm not ready to cut them out of my life completely, but I think it's time to take a break and really step back. We'll see how the next several weeks go. Hopefully the Spirit will guide us in this.

Thank you all for helping me understand this. I am trying my hardest to live my life and raise my family the way Heavenly Father wants me to. Now I know that living my life in harmony with the Gospel and seriously limiting contact with my family are not mutually exclusive.