Single Dads

[checkerboy]

Hi I am a single dad of two boys, ages 4 and 6. I was just wondering if there are any other single dads out there that would like to get together and talk about problems and solutions. I don't have a set custody with my children yet but I do get to see them a few times a week. What are things you do to keep close to them? I try to call them every night around their bedtime. My ex is not very active in the church and I get to take them to church a lot of the time. But my oldest doesn't like to talk to me about things like his school or his Primary class. Is there something I can do to help him open up to me?

Any way any thoughts would be appreciated

[Annabelli]

checkerboy: I am not a single Dad but I just wanted to let you know that many children do not talk about school and primary. A lot of parents will ask their children "what did you do at school today?" They have several lessons, activities, gym/music, lunch, recess, and they do not know how to summarize it. It is basically the same with Primary where the teacher uses several examples during the lesson.

It is best to make a statement relating to your experience like "I went to lunch with my friends today and we ate Pizza." "What did you have for lunch?"

And for Primary it is the same principle of communication just relate something simple from your Sunday school class.

Dad's bond with their kids through common interest like sports. Playing basketball is an all time favorite.

Instead of taking your kids out to dinner, stay home and cook a meal together. Buy a used bicycle and fix it up together. Let them teach you how to rollerblade.

When you take them home, say something like "I'll see you Sunday." That goodbye embrace sometimes sends the wrong message and often leaves them feeling like it a final goodbye.

Let us know how it's going.

[Canuck Mormon]

Although I recently re-married, I was in your position for the past 4 years. My ex left me for another woman and took my son with her. At the time I had no job, no home, no prospects either. So I had to let my son go with her. I called him every night and we talked for 5-10 minutes. He used to, in fact still does, do the same thing as your oldest. It would take me asking and asking for him to give me something. I see my son every Wednesday night as well as every other weekend. I now take him to church every weekend he's with me, and last year he expressed a desire to be baptized, that has since passed. The best thing you can do is just show them how important they are to you and be patient. Don't try and force your son to open up, let him come to you. It's a fine line that WILL get crossed. They are also going through a traumatic time. All my son wanted to do for the longest time was watch Tv when he was with me, but now we watch a bit, then go and do something as a family or just me and him. Just keep putting them first and they will eventually open up. Hang in there. It will get better. If you have any other concerns or questions, feel free to contact me and I'll help with what I can.

Good Luck and keep your chin up. :)

[siouxz72]

Hey Checker! I'm not a single dad, either, but I have a hint that might help your little boy tell you about his day. I always ask my kids what their favorite part of the day was. Or what was the coolest thing you learned in Science today or whatever....that way they could think of a specific story to tell me rather than an open ended "how was your day". Hope that helps! You're doing a great job!

Love and Rockets! -siouxz

okay...i see that Annabelli said almost the same thing here.. oh well.. you know what they say about great minds! plus we're moms so we automatically rock! :)

[sgallan]

checkerboy -

I am a single dad of a girl aged 11. Her mom is an addict/alcoholic so I basically have had full and sole custody for almost three years now. And all the functional responsibility for a year before that. I am not religious (lifelong story) so I will stay out of that part of your concerns.

Every kid is different and you know your kids best. But we as parents don't know everything. So we ask for suggestions, and many come. In this case some good suggestions have been given. It is up to you - knowing your children - to decide which one might best work for your kids.... or the ones to attempt.... and the ones that probably aren't a good fit for your children. This all being the hard part of parenting.

Otherwise, if you just want to vent, share experiences, or issues that perhaps some of the 'moms' might not get, I'll be happy to be around.

[checkerboy]

Thanks for all the advice. I would like to keep this open for sharing, venting, etc. like sgallan said. So post any new experiences that would help us dads.

Thanks again.

[sgallan]

I'll share one...... my daughter being a little athlete in a boy dominated sport has had a 'lot' of boyfriends. But they were just that.... boys who were friends. Though a lot of those boys very first crushes were on Reni. Tonite, for the first time Reni mentioned she had a crush on a boy. She said, "Dad I want to tell you something, but promise not to laugh". I said okay, she said, "I have a crush on ****. I didn't laugh. This boy is a handful (family situation), but he is smart, and his heart is in the right place.

It was always fun with the boys who had a crush on her..... they were just little kids. But now her hormones are starting to kick in, it becomes a little different. Lucky me pretty much every kid in the Junior High is scared of me..... and her (she pinned the boy she has a crush on in wrestling in about 15 seconds).

[the Ogre]

Hi,

I'm a single dad. My ex left me almost almost six years ago. She has yet to contact us (although I have a good relationship with her mom). When the divorce was finalized, the kids all shut down. This was terrifying for me because I had to learn about being as full a parent as I could be. I decided to not pester them about things and just started being as active in their lives as possible by going to their activities and volunteering for everything. I became as ubiquitous as possible in their lives as possible while totally siding with them on everything except when they acted out. I also started making sure our evenings were as full as possible with none tv and movie related activities as possible, I'm not saying get rid of the tv, but do something else (chess, scrabble, trivial pursuit, frisbee, football, bicycling, basketball, whatever). When the important things came up, we had already learned how to communicate in the non-threatening activities, that we were able to talk frankly about everything. Now not everyone was as open as the other or as quickly. They all came about at their own paces and in reflection of their individual personalities.

The next thing is pick your battles with the kids and with the ex. The kids suffer when you can not get along with their mom even if she is not present. If she has a bed time follow it, but know also some rules can be broken as long as it is not done out of spite. The rules I have never enforced after the divorce were bed times, cleaning off the plate, always eating at the table. There were others that went by the way side. Eventually the kids went to bed at a reasonable time (I always woke them up early so they got tired), they eventually cleaned off their plates when there were no seconds, and eating at the table became the best place to eat when right afterward we pulled out the scrabble board or chutes and ladders ( a fun game even now when they are too old for it, it has just become far more competitive).

Divorce is hard on the kids because they still blame themselves sometimes. Mine still struggle with the fact that mom just left. We know she had an affair and left with that guy, but they sometimes have told me if they were better kids she would have stayed. I have nothing to say about that anymore except to say that maybe if I had been a better husband she would still be here, but that we will never know because there is no way to ask her about it.

Good luck dude. Separation is rough. I am glad though for my situation over yours. My ex is gone and so no arguments through the kids and grandparents.

Aaron the Ogre

[Annabelli]

Divorce is hard on the kids because they still blame themselves sometimes. Mine still struggle with the fact that mom just left. We know she had an affair and left with that guy, but they sometimes have told me if they were better kids she would have stayed. I have nothing to say about that anymore except to say that maybe if I had been a better husband she would still be here, but that we will never know because there is no way to ask her about it.

the ogre: Every time we think about the mistakes that we may have made, it is like beating yourself up emotionally over and over again. Then the things that we think that we did wrong out weigh the true facts that that person was selfish and self absorbed in indulgence.

There are people who get an adrenalin rush from getting busted and put in jail, or sneaking around having affairs, etc. They are emotionally addicted to it and like being around other adrenalin junkies.

She may have done something really good and was blessed with a good husband and wonderful children but she simply didn't value the blessing.