Next steps

[Bini]

Here's the update between now and my last post. After completing marriage counselling, my husband and I decided to separate. I started working and I'm going back to school in the fall, so I've been pretty busy schedule wise and haven't had much time to centre myself. I've joined a group for women in the same or similar situation as myself, and there I have met some wonderful friends. For the most part, I feel pretty balanced, but I am going through a pretty major shift and everything is still kind of a blur. I've been looking into new hobbies and I've been giving myself 'me time' once a week to be alone and just recoup. Any other suggestions for the next steps in finding and maintaining positivity and balance?

[Guest]

48 minutes ago, Bini said:

Here's the update between now and my last post. After completing marriage counselling, my husband and I decided to separate. I started working and I'm going back to school in the fall, so I've been pretty busy schedule wise and haven't had much time to centre myself. I've joined a group for women in the same or similar situation as myself, and there I have met some wonderful friends. For the most part, I feel pretty balanced, but I am going through a pretty major shift and everything is still kind of a blur. I've been looking into new hobbies and I've been giving myself 'me time' once a week to be alone and just recoup. Any other suggestions for the next steps in finding and maintaining positivity and balance?

I'm about to share something that may give you a roadmap.  How you choose to use it is entirely up to you.

My sister and a brother-in-law both went through separation and then divorce.  I know you haven't gone to that next level yet, but they did.

They had their worlds rocked for a good while.  It is not something you get over in a few years.  I've had a friend who eventually got over it over the course of about 15 years.  This is why so many say that divorce/no divorce -- neither is a "good" choice.  But often one is better than the other depending upon your individual situation.

Both my sister and my BIL decided that they'd been too trusting.  They both were certainly the ones who were wronged in each case.  They both wondered what they had done to deserve this.  The first thing for them to learn was that they hadn't done anything wrong.  Things like this happen whether we deserve it or not.  Everyone has their own choices in life that they need to take responsibility for.  The ones who were wronged have to suffer, cope, and hopefully recover.

It is interesting that they both went through similar processes.  But they differed in their religious outcomes.  My sister decided to leave the Church over this (even though her husband wasn't LDS).  My BIL began doubting.  But he eventually found a new place to be in his relationship with God.  And he found it to be a much better place than he had been before.  His testimony is now stronger than before.

Regarding other facets of their lives, they both began doing what you're doing now.  They had to figure out income (my sister because she was a SAHM, my BIL because divorce laws in CO are so very wrong).  They both had some problems defining themselves in the new life they were living.  They had been defined as a wife and husband so long.  That they didn't remember who they were as individuals anymore.

Next they had to deal with the custody issues.  My sister, no problem.  She would have full custody.  And she usually allowed him to visit whenever he wanted.  My BIL had to fight for everything.  She even accused him of things...  But after all that was over, they began working things.

My sister had an easier time from a logistics position.  But she still had issues emotionally.  She took much longer figuring out who she was.  She kept wondering what she did to deserve this.  It was not only a blur to her.  It was like she was just dreaming it all.

Some time later she was mostly at peace.  But there was definitely a scar.  A few years later, she found her old high school flame online -- they both considered each other "the one that got away".  The found they were both in the same boat.  They got back together.  They got married.  They were happy for a little while.  But tragedy struck... Most of the later stuff is irrelevant.  It was after that tragedy that she took time to really find out who she was and what she wanted in life.  She then carried out a normal life.  And she is happy.  But the light that shined in her eyes years ago, never came back.

My BIL still took another couple of years to deal with logistics because his ex was being difficult.  But he was actually in a much better place emotionally.  He had sorted out all the questions in his mind.  He'd come to terms with everything.  It took another year or so after that to get to a "status quo" regarding custody, money, and schedules.  And to him, as you say, it was all a blur.  But he was able to maintain some reason during that time.

He's now sorted everything out.  He credits everything to family and the Lord.  He still has to deal with the antics of his ex.  That can't be helped.  But with all other aspects of his life.  

He's met a new woman whom he is crazy about.  They both did a lot of due diligence.  I counseled them both about getting married to someone who is divorced.  It's not that the person is bad or damaged or anything.  It is things like custody battles, alimony, housing and job restrictions, etc. that just add that much more stress on a second marriage.  They both understood and took some time to consider it.  They're getting married later this month.  They're both wonderful people.  And they're both crazy in love with each other.  That was something I didn't see in his first marriage.

I'm really happy for him.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Guest

[anatess2]

Hi Bini!  Big big hugs...

I don't really have any advice except for the children also needing balance.  I hope and pray things get better for you from here on out.  You're a wonderful person and you are loved by us here.

[Sunday21]

@Bini. Very proud of you! So glad that you have joined a support group. Good move!