What Can I Do To Be Accepted

[Davidjr]

I have a question. I am a 27 year old male, I come from a very strong religious family, LDS on my Fathers side and Catholic on my Mothers side. Anyhow, to the point. I am seeing a girl who I love very much and plan to mary. Her family is LDS and her father is a prominent member of the church. Through out my life I havent always made the right choices but i learn from my mistakes and keep striving to make the right choices and be a better man. No matter what I do I cant seem to gain the approval of her father. I am trying so hard to be a good man for myself and those around me. It is very hard for me to talk about this. I always thought he and I were friends and honest with one another, but he expresses his discontent with me behind my back. I guess my question is what am I doing wrong. I know I as a person cant please everyone. Though from a man I look up to those words cut me like a knife. I dont know how I should feel at this point, sadness and anger are the main feelings i am expieriencing. If anyone has any advice for me I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for your time.

[prisonchaplain]

If I'm reading this right, the father's main concern is that you are not a practicing, reliable LDS member. The father, you've said is. What of the girl? Is this the crux of the problem?

[Davidjr]

If I'm reading this right, the father's main concern is that you are not a practicing, reliable LDS member. The father, you've said is. What of the girl? Is this the crux of the problem?

She is non practicing at this time or not as much as she should. Yes, I believe my not being in the church is a big part of it. On the other hand my job, home, motivation are not good enough either. His exact words of my accomplishment ares "I'm not impressed".

[rosie321]

<div class='quotemain'>

If I'm reading this right, the father's main concern is that you are not a practicing, reliable LDS member. The father, you've said is. What of the girl? Is this the crux of the problem?

She is non practicing at this time or not as much as she should. Yes, I believe my not being in the church is a big part of it. On the other hand my job, home, motivation are not good enough either. His exact words of my accomplishment ares "I'm not impressed".

It seems to me, from the outside looking in, is that you are not as prisonchaplain pointed out a practicing, reliable member of the church.

Being her father is so active in the church and holds its teachings to be true, he will not easily give up his daughter to someone who does not hold the same eternal values and principles dear. He wants the best for his daughter. In his eternal view your actions will not bring either of you happiness since you are not doing things in the right way.

He will probably have a hard time trusting an instant conversion back to the faith too. If you do suddenly become active again he will want to test you until you can prove you won't cause harm to his daughter temporally or eternally.

IMO her father is doing the job of a responsible dad

[the_jason]

The only approval you need to gain is your fiance's and your Heavenly Father's. Her father may be a strong prominent member, but even strong prominent members have faults. His disapproval does not mean your Heavenly Father disapproves. As long as you strive to do your best, to provide for your wife, to love her, and to support her, that's what what matters. Don't seek to gain the father's approval, but the Father's approval.

[rosie321]

The only approval you need to gain is your fiance's and your Heavenly Father's. Her father may be a strong prominent member, but even strong prominent members have faults. His disapproval does not mean your Heavenly Father disapproves. As long as you strive to do your best, to provide for your wife, to love her, and to support her, that's what what matters. Don't seek to gain the father's approval, but the Father's approval.

I agree with your statement that the only approval you need to gain is your Heavenly Father's and fiance but urge caution at the same time. God does place people, particularly parents in our paths, who have hopefully had more life experience and wisdom so that they may help guide and direct. The parents concerns should be thoughtfully and prayerfully considered when making the decision too. If after considering their thoughts you decide to go your own way that's another matter.

Like it or not when you marry the family does have a big impact. So its best to live as peaceably as possible and consider the longterm influence they might have on your future relationship.

[prisonchaplain]

The only approval you need to gain is your fiance's and your Heavenly Father's. Her father may be a strong prominent member, but even strong prominent members have faults. His disapproval does not mean your Heavenly Father disapproves. As long as you strive to do your best, to provide for your wife, to love her, and to support her, that's what what matters. Don't seek to gain the father's approval, but the Father's approval.

IMHO, Heavenly Father expects us to seek earthly father's approval.

[Gillebre]

What if an earthly father disapproves of his children becoming members of the Church?

The father won't give his blessing, but certainly the Father will.

[prisonchaplain]

What if an earthly father disapproves of his children becoming members of the Church?

The father won't give his blessing, but certainly the Father will.

Gill, this is an entirely different circumstance. God does come first. On the other hand, even in such a case, every possible effort should be made to respect the earthly father. As an example, my parents had me baptised as infant. I waited until I was 16 to be baptised by immersion as a believer. My father said he was proud of me. Would he have thought so if I had done so against his wishes at 8-10 years old?

Eventually, I would have been baptised without his approval, but it was a worthy effort to honor his role as father, even if I disagreed with his religious practice.

[miztrniceguy]

i didnt see where he actually said he was a member himself...said father was lds, mother catholic...didnt say for himself.

[the_jason]

<div class='quotemain'>

What if an earthly father disapproves of his children becoming members of the Church?

The father won't give his blessing, but certainly the Father will.

Gill, this is an entirely different circumstance. God does come first. On the other hand, even in such a case, every possible effort should be made to respect the earthly father. As an example, my parents had me baptised as infant. I waited until I was 16 to be baptised by immersion as a believer. My father said he was proud of me. Would he have thought so if I had done so against his wishes at 8-10 years old?

Eventually, I would have been baptised without his approval, but it was a worthy effort to honor his role as father, even if I disagreed with his religious practice.

It sounds like he has made every effort to gain the approval of his fiancee's father. As knowledgable and spiritual as the earthly father may be he may still fail to see the good qualities that this person has. As a father myself I'd probably be skeptical of anyone my daughter brings home, simply because I love her very much and nobody will ever be good enough for her. That being said, I err in my way of thinking because a marriage is a commitment between the couple and God, and if God approves who am I to say otherwise?

i didnt see where he actually said he was a member himself...said father was lds, mother catholic...didnt say for himself.

That's irrelevant. God can still approve of non-LDS marriages.

[BenRaines]

Was the fathers comment "I am not impressed" related to church membership or an overall comment?

I have had three son-in-laws. Of none of them have I been impressed. I have a potential son-in-law and daughter-in-law that will probably become such in the next six months. With them I am very impressed.

1st ex son in law. Had his own business. This meant that he worked whenever he wanted to, my daughter had a very good job. He stayed home, had his friends over, played Xbox all day long, didn't clean house and maybe worked 10 hours a week. Was LDS, went on a mission, don't know if he really served but went on one. Came home and quit going to church. After three years and a baby, of which he wouldn't care for while my daughter worked she dumped him.

I was not impressed.

Ex son-in-law #2.

Son of a stake president, returned missionary, going to school. Liked to fly off the handle and hit women, my daughter. One day he was driving back from our place to Utah and got lost. He got so mad he dumped a whole bottle of gaterade on her in anger. They came back to our house so she could change. I should have kept her with us then. After having a baby he flew off the handle one day because she didn't enter a check in the checkbook. He knocked her to the ground and punched her on the shoulder, leaving bruises.

I was not impressed. She moved home and got a divorce. From the trauma of this and the disappointment she met a non LDS guy who she moved in with, I was not impressed, and had a baby. They have since married and he is a nice guy.

There is one more with the oldest daughter, good job, but abusive also and a problem with prescription drugs. I was not impressed. After he hit my daughter for throwing out his alcohol, oh yes LDS too. She left him. I was not impressed.

So as a father with a bit of experience I can understand what a father might be thinking.

A father wants to know, can this man take care of my daughter, will he treat her like the princess that I have all my life.

There is a country song that is rather popular right now called "I loved her first". That sums up my feelings

Ben Raines

[Elphaba]

I have a question. I am a 27 year old male, I come from a very strong religious family, LDS on my Fathers side and Catholic on my Mothers side. Anyhow, to the point. I am seeing a girl who I love very much and plan to mary. Her family is LDS and her father is a prominent member of the church. Through out my life I havent always made the right choices but i learn from my mistakes and keep striving to make the right choices and be a better man. No matter what I do I cant seem to gain the approval of her father. I am trying so hard to be a good man for myself and those around me. It is very hard for me to talk about this. I always thought he and I were friends and honest with one another, but he expresses his discontent with me behind my back. I guess my question is what am I doing wrong. I know I as a person cant please everyone. Though from a man I look up to those words cut me like a knife. I dont know how I should feel at this point, sadness and anger are the main feelings i am expieriencing. If anyone has any advice for me I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for your time.

Hi ami,

What about the woman you plan to marry. She's the only one who's "approval" you need. What does she think? Does she want to marry you as well?

Why are you so worried about what he thinks of you? You're 27 years old. You don't need his approval for anything and you're giving him way too much power over your own self-worth. It would be nice if you had his respect, and perhaps that will come. But if it doesn't, then it doesn't. You can't let that get in your way.

As far as your marriage, you only need your prospective wife's approval. She's the only other person who matters. If what her father thinks is an impediment, then yes, you have a problem, because I suspect his discontent with you has nothing to do with anything you are doing wrong. She may have to make up her mind whether she wants to commit to you or not.

But right now, it's feels like you're talking to the wrong person.

Elphaba

[onyx]

I have a question. I am a 27 year old male, I come from a very strong religious family, LDS on my Fathers side and Catholic on my Mothers side. Anyhow, to the point. I am seeing a girl who I love very much and plan to mary. Her family is LDS and her father is a prominent member of the church. Through out my life I havent always made the right choices but i learn from my mistakes and keep striving to make the right choices and be a better man. No matter what I do I cant seem to gain the approval of her father. I am trying so hard to be a good man for myself and those around me. It is very hard for me to talk about this. I always thought he and I were friends and honest with one another, but he expresses his discontent with me behind my back. I guess my question is what am I doing wrong. I know I as a person cant please everyone. Though from a man I look up to those words cut me like a knife. I dont know how I should feel at this point, sadness and anger are the main feelings i am expieriencing. If anyone has any advice for me I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for your time.

Hi amigoodenough,

I feel for your situation, I really do.

I experienced something similar when dating my husband.

My difficulty was with my mother-in-law.

She could not accept me.

The reason....I am older than my husband.

I was an RM, active LDS, doing all of the right things.

But she just could not accept me.

She didn't like the older woman/younger man relationship dynamic.

They are a very close knit family with an extremely strong matriarchial influence.

Yes, my MIL was and is definately "in charge."

It was evident to me that she was very protective of her son and didn't want to let him go.

Unfortunately she also got her daughter on board which complicated things for me.

I had two of them against me.

It was difficult and I went through times of great opposition and heartache.

The emotional pain was difficult - so I do understand your angst with this.

Anyways,....to cut a long story short.

We married, it has been 16 years now.

Over the years she realised that I was probably the best thing to have happened to her son.

(I'm not being boastful - he's the best thing to have happend to me also.)

She sees how good we are for each other and the growth that has happened.

She has become a close friend and I love her...she feels the same way about me.

How did this come about?

Gradually....

I have never fought with her, I have never had cross words with her.

I have treated her with respect and love.

I have made every possible opportunity for her to spend time with her son.

She has never had to feel cut off from him just because he married.

She came to realise that I truely was a good person.

She has seen how respectfully and lovingly I have cared for her son.

She more than accepts me now...even confides in me.

Yeah...we are good friends.

It took a long time to break down those barriers though.

It can take some time for a parent to feel at ease with a SIL or DIL.

A parent's role is to protect.

Sometimes it just takes time for them to see that things are fine.

It can take some time for them to resolve their worry and concern.

From my own personal experience I would counsel you to honour your girlfriend's parents and show them that their daughter is in good hands.

Keep in mind he is LDS - therefore he believes his family is forever.

This means that he will be in your life for eternity.

It is worth working on the extended family relationship as well as your relationship with your girlfriend.

I pray that it turns out for you the way it turned out for me.

It will take some work and maybe a great deal of time, but it is worth it....it really is worth it.

All the best...Onyx

[Gaia]

I have a question. I am a 27 year old male, I come from a very strong religious family, LDS on my Fathers side and Catholic on my Mothers side. Anyhow, to the point. I am seeing a girl who I love very much and plan to mary. Her family is LDS and her father is a prominent member of the church. Through out my life I havent always made the right choices but i learn from my mistakes and keep striving to make the right choices and be a better man. No matter what I do I cant seem to gain the approval of her father. I am trying so hard to be a good man for myself and those around me. It is very hard for me to talk about this. I always thought he and I were friends and honest with one another, but he expresses his discontent with me behind my back. I guess my question is what am I doing wrong. I know I as a person cant please everyone. Though from a man I look up to those words cut me like a knife. I dont know how I should feel at this point, sadness and anger are the main feelings i am expieriencing. If anyone has any advice for me I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for your time.

GAIA:

Hello There, Ami --

It is probabe that any man who presented himself as the woman's potential suitor, would meet with skepticism by her father -- that's how fathers ARE *smile*.

But in your case, at least some of her father's concerns are legitimate.

Y'see, The problem is not just that you have a "difficult" past; the problem is that you are asking someone to trust you -- and not just on a superficial or moderate level -- but on the most powerful level of all -- that which concerns the person nearest and dearest to him (his daugher), whom he has all his life worked to protect from any and ALL dangers. At this point, you represent a potential danger.

There is pretty much nothing you can say that will change his mind; if anything will, it will be your actions -- your everday behavior, as you prove day in and day out, that you have in fact changed and can be trusted.

Have you ever watched "Dr Phil"? He has some very interesting ideas -- One of which is:

"The best and most reliable predictor of future behavior, is past behavior."

So if your past behavior has been -- well, problematic or mixed --- it is going to take a considerable amount of work to establish a NEW "track record" by which people can judge you.

Yes, it can be frustrating and humiliating to feel that someone is constantly watching, waiting for you to "mess up" -- but (try to) look at it as an opportunity to prove your sincerity and determination to really become the (good, honorable) man of integrity, that you can be!

Good luck --

~Gaia

[prisonchaplain]

While 27 year olds can make their own decisions, imho, it would not be wise to simply ignore the objections of a future father in law.